stargazing
the week of stress and hell is officially over. week two of stress and hell is about to begin. so much has happened in the past seven days that my head threatens to implode every time i think of it. i've been running around helter-skelter putting together altitude, making sure everything is in place for... wait for it... opening tomorrow. i made posters. i emailed/facebook'd pretty much everyone i know. i stayed late after the final performance of The Dinosaur Within to fix up my ship so it'd be in working condition for our dress rehearsal today. i think it's in good shape. everything works - i'm just hoping it works tomorrow. i need to focus on the character, really find those moments. it was a really wonderful feeling to step out there this morning, terribly exhausted and perked on coffee (my first cup of actual Starbucks' coffee. it was disgusting.) and my ADD meds, and to be finding things and playing in the moment. it's gotten to the point that it's almost difficult to play a "character" because i know this person so well. i've been living with him for almost a year now, and regardless of lack of rehearsal i feel like i can be him for a few moments and not have to think about it. i pray that all the technical aspects work, and as everyone knows i pray very little. it'll work. it has to work.
classes are coming to an end, thank goodness, but with them so goes my time here at UCSB. it didn't hit me until i watched the seniors in Dinosaur kiss the stage last night. some part of me isn't ready to leave. maybe it's that i don't have closure yet, or that i'm aware that it means i really will be on my own at last, or that i'm not ready to say goodbye to all these people who i've come to love so dearly.
oh man i'm in a pickle. of course, the Kikster. i don't know why, but i always come back to her. no matter who goes in or out of my life, this girl is consistently a source of delight for my heart. because she's my SM we've been hanging out a lot lately (probably also because we're trying to solidify our friendship before geography rips us apart.), and it's not difficult. i can just be around her. it's because we're friends, and friends first, i think, that makes it so strong. last night i walked her home from the cast party, completely on a whim, and we ended up going to the park way at the end of DP and stayed to watch the stars and talk. but mostly it was about the stars. i'm not a competent enough wordsmith to describe how beautiful a night it was. the sky was clear, clearer than Angelina Jolie's complexion. and the stars... well, you know how when you poke a bunch of holes in a black felt sheet with a pin and then shine a light through it? the stars were that bright, and that multitudinous. somebody stabbed that felt sheet worse than Caesar. the Milky Way (not the candy bar) was easily visible and we saw no fewer than seven (SEVEN) shooting stars, each of which garnered at least one wish. i think it's the happiest i've been in a long time, lying on my back, stars above me, my dear friend next to me sharing in the wonder and beauty of the universe. i would have held her hand if we both weren't so screwed-up right now. stupid exes. she convinced me to delete Shanana's number from my phone. and i did. i've spent all day wondering if i should try to get it back somehow. i do need to talk to her. i guess. Kiki's point: "why? what is there possibly to talk about?"
she makes a good point.
i don't want this to end. there are certain people here who i can't imagine living without. i've made so many dear friends this year and rekindled so many old ties... it scares me that that chapter is about to end. then again, i always did like finding out what happens next.
on a slightly unrelated note: i've had several life-altering epiphanies this week. one is the continuation of the "i love theatre for theatre's sake" epiphany that i'm still riding the wave of. last night at the cast party i couldn't help but think of how much more i'd rather be working on my play. my work and my leisure are very close entities at the moment, intertwining in a very lovely smoke-pattern that is, frankly, dazzling to the eyes. i am in love with creating, and sad and excited to see the culmination of such a long and rewarding process. i know i'll do more, but this feels like a real ending. less than fourteen days until i'm set free to the wind.
epiphany #2 is about people and energy, and how some people are electrons, some are electromagnetic batteries, and some are black holes. (the metaphor is flawed, i realize, but i'm very tired and feel i need to get this out now before it disappears. i'll refine and expand more on it later.) the basic gist is that some people are repositories for universal energy, and as such have an abundance of it. the black hole type is constantly trying to fill the void of energy that they create by sucking in an inordinate amount. electrons simply go along with the ebb and flow of the interactions between the two more powerful entities. the major conflict arises when a battery and a black hole come into contact and one begins siphoning energy from the other. the battery is all but compelled to give and give energy to feed the hole, but of course there is never enough because the hole is a circular-logic sort of thing and cannot be sated. eventually the battery is sucked dry and the hole moves on. but the more clever batteries realize the drain is happening, and with some amount of pain-inducing force are able to either push the hole away or stem the flow of energy away from themselves. the second result is more dangerous as it requires a constant vigil on the battery's part to maintain the delicate balance, but it is necessary for batteries to learn this "funneling" skill for even their own existence so that they are able to control the enormous amount of energy flowing into and through them at all times. it is painful for the battery to stem the flow to a black hole because there is that compulsion to give, to create an equilibrium. but the only equilibrium that can ever exist is one of give-and-take, so true stasis is impossible. my thought is that if one is careful with ones energy, as i've realized that i am a battery, that one may find a personal balance, and in that way love and be loved. unconditional is the word.
i feel, rather than think, love within and throughout me right now. love for someone who doesn't need me. maybe it'll happen someday, but not today. i have several stars riding on it, so i'm hopeful. time to get in my rocket ship and see them for myself.
classes are coming to an end, thank goodness, but with them so goes my time here at UCSB. it didn't hit me until i watched the seniors in Dinosaur kiss the stage last night. some part of me isn't ready to leave. maybe it's that i don't have closure yet, or that i'm aware that it means i really will be on my own at last, or that i'm not ready to say goodbye to all these people who i've come to love so dearly.
oh man i'm in a pickle. of course, the Kikster. i don't know why, but i always come back to her. no matter who goes in or out of my life, this girl is consistently a source of delight for my heart. because she's my SM we've been hanging out a lot lately (probably also because we're trying to solidify our friendship before geography rips us apart.), and it's not difficult. i can just be around her. it's because we're friends, and friends first, i think, that makes it so strong. last night i walked her home from the cast party, completely on a whim, and we ended up going to the park way at the end of DP and stayed to watch the stars and talk. but mostly it was about the stars. i'm not a competent enough wordsmith to describe how beautiful a night it was. the sky was clear, clearer than Angelina Jolie's complexion. and the stars... well, you know how when you poke a bunch of holes in a black felt sheet with a pin and then shine a light through it? the stars were that bright, and that multitudinous. somebody stabbed that felt sheet worse than Caesar. the Milky Way (not the candy bar) was easily visible and we saw no fewer than seven (SEVEN) shooting stars, each of which garnered at least one wish. i think it's the happiest i've been in a long time, lying on my back, stars above me, my dear friend next to me sharing in the wonder and beauty of the universe. i would have held her hand if we both weren't so screwed-up right now. stupid exes. she convinced me to delete Shanana's number from my phone. and i did. i've spent all day wondering if i should try to get it back somehow. i do need to talk to her. i guess. Kiki's point: "why? what is there possibly to talk about?"
she makes a good point.
i don't want this to end. there are certain people here who i can't imagine living without. i've made so many dear friends this year and rekindled so many old ties... it scares me that that chapter is about to end. then again, i always did like finding out what happens next.
on a slightly unrelated note: i've had several life-altering epiphanies this week. one is the continuation of the "i love theatre for theatre's sake" epiphany that i'm still riding the wave of. last night at the cast party i couldn't help but think of how much more i'd rather be working on my play. my work and my leisure are very close entities at the moment, intertwining in a very lovely smoke-pattern that is, frankly, dazzling to the eyes. i am in love with creating, and sad and excited to see the culmination of such a long and rewarding process. i know i'll do more, but this feels like a real ending. less than fourteen days until i'm set free to the wind.
epiphany #2 is about people and energy, and how some people are electrons, some are electromagnetic batteries, and some are black holes. (the metaphor is flawed, i realize, but i'm very tired and feel i need to get this out now before it disappears. i'll refine and expand more on it later.) the basic gist is that some people are repositories for universal energy, and as such have an abundance of it. the black hole type is constantly trying to fill the void of energy that they create by sucking in an inordinate amount. electrons simply go along with the ebb and flow of the interactions between the two more powerful entities. the major conflict arises when a battery and a black hole come into contact and one begins siphoning energy from the other. the battery is all but compelled to give and give energy to feed the hole, but of course there is never enough because the hole is a circular-logic sort of thing and cannot be sated. eventually the battery is sucked dry and the hole moves on. but the more clever batteries realize the drain is happening, and with some amount of pain-inducing force are able to either push the hole away or stem the flow of energy away from themselves. the second result is more dangerous as it requires a constant vigil on the battery's part to maintain the delicate balance, but it is necessary for batteries to learn this "funneling" skill for even their own existence so that they are able to control the enormous amount of energy flowing into and through them at all times. it is painful for the battery to stem the flow to a black hole because there is that compulsion to give, to create an equilibrium. but the only equilibrium that can ever exist is one of give-and-take, so true stasis is impossible. my thought is that if one is careful with ones energy, as i've realized that i am a battery, that one may find a personal balance, and in that way love and be loved. unconditional is the word.
i feel, rather than think, love within and throughout me right now. love for someone who doesn't need me. maybe it'll happen someday, but not today. i have several stars riding on it, so i'm hopeful. time to get in my rocket ship and see them for myself.