Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased? 2
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel, Sam/Jess, Bobby, Gabriel
Title: Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased? 2
Rating: 15 or so
Genre: AU, angst, romance, mental illness
Summary: Dean is a group therapy organizer. He also happens to be schizophrenic. Cas is a morose E.R. doctor. Sam is a caring brother...and some other profession I haven't thought of yet. Bobby is Dean's old-fashioned, gruff psychiatrist. and uh....Jess and Gabriel are there....also.
Author's Notes: have you noticed how I hate summaries? well I do. thanks to everyone who left an encouraging comment on the first part. I appreciate it.
"I felt like I was lying on the ground covered with leaves. Like a four foot thick pile of leaves. And people were walking on me. Laughing and talking. They didn't know I was there. Roaches and worms were crawling on me."
~~~
"Dean!"
"What?!"
Sam stepped out the open back door to find Dean putting mulch in Jess' garden. Sam raised his eyebrows. "Jess ask you to do this?"
"It looked like shit." Dean said while pushing the mulch around with a hoe.
"Don't you have an appointment today?" Sam was asking the question to be nice really. He was a stickler for Dean keeping his appointments but they'd had one argument too many about Sam demanding he go instead of gently reminding him.
Dean thrust the hoe at him. "Tell her you did it. Maybe you'll get lucky."
"As if I need help for that?"
"Are you saying Jess is easy?"
"...she's standing behind me and you're trying to get me in trouble right?"
Dean grinned as Jess hugged Sam from behind and spoke around his large frame. "Thank you, Dean. I was dreading doing that."
"No problem, babe." He slapped her ass lightly as he passed into the house.
"Hey!" He laughed at Sam's exclamation and headed for his room to change.
```
"So what happened to your hand?"
"That bookshelf you gave me, thanks again by the way, it needed a little extra support." Bobby looked at him expectantly. "So I borrowed Sam's nail gun."
Bobby looked down at his notes. "You know there's a whole list of things you're not suppose to be touching, pretty sure nail gun's on there."
"It's not like I went all Evil Dead. I missed."
"Well you know I have to take these things seriously. Whether you want me to drop it or not this is gonna be entered in my notes. And, to be honest, when the state weighs in next month I'll have to mention it."
Dean shot out of his chair and paced the room frantically. "I can't keep this up, man. I need a real job."
"You don't like working the groups here?"
Dean stopped and threw up his arms, laughing derisively. "I hate it! Group therapy is a crock of shit. And relying on Sammy is embarrassing."
Bobby pushed his brows together. "Why do you say that? Sam loves taking care of you."
"I don't want Sam taking care of me. It's my job to look after him." Dean growled back. Dean sat down back down on the edge of the seat, elbows on his knees. "Look, whether I talk about this or not doesn't mean anything and you know it. All this shit isn't going away...ever. So why am I even here? These meds work."
"You know it doesn't work like that." Bobby's eyes followed Dean's hand as he pulled at his own hair with it in frustration. "Do you think you should shave your head again?"
Dean shot out of the chair again. "Fuck this!" He went into the private bathroom.
Bobby was becoming concerned by his behaviour. He made some notes while waiting for Dean to come back out.
Dean came back out and stopped, crossing his arms. "I really don't want to be here today. Can we reschedule?"
Bobby pointed at the chair across from him with his pen. "Sit. Down." They stared each other down until Dean finally moved and sat back in the chair. "What's with you today?"
"Nothing. I'm just frustrated by life in general."
"Uh huh. How many people are in the room?" Bobby had asked this question of Dean many, many times.
Dean ground his teeth together. "Just you and me."
It was an obvious lie. Bobby sighed in resignation and pulled the prescription pad towards him. He wrote on it quickly and held it out to Dean.
Dean took it and read it. "No. You had me on this one already."
"And it worked."
"It worked?! I wanted to kill myself!"
Bobby had to bite his tongue before he said something awful in response to that. "It's a much lower dose. I want you to add it to your other treatments."
Dean just shook his head and stared out the window.
"We have to find the right balance, Dean."
```
He had debated telling Bobby about the E.R. doctor. It's not like it mattered really, but someone knowing about his illness and not giving a damn was a rare occurrence. He was ignoring the voices telling him to go back to the hospital and fuck the doctor over the admitting counter.
Dean didn't really consider himself bi, gay, or straight. After having so many labels put on you by the government, friends, and family putting one more on himself wasn't something he wanted to consider. If someone was hot, they were hot, end of story.
And the doctor had been very hot. He was also currently standing a few customers in front of Dean in line at Starbuck's.
He was wearing his white doctor's coat. Dean wondered if he ever took it off.
Cas ordered his coffee and went to the pick up counter. He got his order and started to walk out when he caught sight of Dean and their eyes met. Dean smiled as Cas walked towards the exit, passing by the line. "Hey doc, how about that coffee?"
Cas paused next to him and took a sip. "It's good." He continued walking.
Dean pursed his lips in irritation and stepped up to the counter.
Cas turned just outside the door and watched Dean get a Horizon milk and a blueberry muffin before sitting at one of the tables inside. Cas looked down at the coffee in his hand in thought before groaning in acceptance and walking back into the establishment. He sat at the empty seat across from Dean and took in Dean's look of surprise.
A warm smile broke out across Dean's face. "Couldn't stay away?"
"So it appears."
Dean took a bite of his muffin and spoke through it, making Cas cringe. "So I didn't get a chance to thank you for ripping a nail out of my hand without warning."
"Warning someone makes them tense up. The muscles stiffen and removing the object becomes more difficult."
Dean nodded and sipped at his milk. Cas may have seemed okay with it before but Dean doubted the guy would want to date a head-case so Dean decided to throw caution to the wind. "You know I live about a block from here."
Cas paused mid-sip. "Oh?"
Dean nodded again. "Yeah and you don't really strike me as the type for emotional attachments."
Castiel blinked at his blunt statement and made one of his own. "You're suggesting we go to your house and have sex in the middle of the afternoon and never call each other?"
Dean choked on his milk and coughed. "Well, I wasn't gonna say it like that, but now that you mention it."
Cas stood up.
Dean's eyes widened and he looked up at him. "Really?"
"If you're amenable?"
"I'm not sure what that means but I'm pretty sure whatever it is that I'm very. So very is the answer here."
They threw away their trash and walked in silence towards Sam and Dean's house. When they stepped inside Dean locked the door and took Cas' hand, pulling him into his bedroom. He locked that door too before pushing Cas against it with a kiss. It wasn't awkward, they were both good kissers, but there wasn't much heat to it. Cas seemed to be just accepting whatever happened and Dean remembered asking him if he hated his job. It was fairly obvious that Cas was pretty depressed.
Dean pulled back and licked his lips, looking at Cas who just looked back at him blandly. "You don't really want to do this do you?"
Cas looked at the floor, his eyes darting in confusion. "I'm unsure." Dean sighed and Cas looked back up at him. "You don't either."
They stared at each other. This wasn't like staring at Sam or Bobby, since those times were usually in frustration or to make a sarcastic point. There was something here, in Cas' eyes, that he didn't want to look away from.
Dean stepped back and held out his hand. "Hi. I'm Dean Winchester."
Cas looked confused but took the offered hand and shook it. "Castiel Novak."
Dean raised his eyebrows. "Castiel?"
"My mother said Daniel was too common." Cas looked surprised that he'd offered this information so easily.
Dean just smiled. "Want to get a drink some time?"
"You want to date me?" Cas looked uncertain.
Dean just smiled more. "Yeah, I really do. I thought this," He gestured towards the bed. "might be more what you were looking for but it's not what I want, so" Dean reached into Cas' pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He typed on it and showed the screen to Cas where he'd added himself to Cas' contacts. "I'll leave it up to you." He put Cas' phone back in the pocket he'd pulled it from, never breaking eye contact. He reached behind Cas and unlocked the bedroom door. Cas took the hint and stepped back out into the hall.
They walked to the front door and Dean unlocked it and held it open. Cas started to leave and stopped. He always seemed to be at war with himself.
Cas turned and grabbed Dean's shirt and pulled him into another kiss. This one had passion behind it. Dean melted into him, grabbing his hips and pulling Cas flush against him. Cas' hand went from balled into Dean's shirt to sliding through Dean's hair, his other hand on Dean's ass pulling him closer.
Someone cleared their throat loudly and Dean jerked away, turning to glare at Sam who'd just stepped in from the backyard. Sam pointed towards the kitchen and then walked into it.
"I'll call you." Cas mumbled against his neck. And then he was suddenly gone.
Dean smoothed out his shirt before closing and locking the door behind him. He headed into the kitchen where Sam was leaning against the counter looking at him in question. Dean shrugged. "We were both at Starbuck's."
Sam just shook his head and went to the fridge to start making dinner.
```
"Hey Castiel, you're out of Doritos!"
Cas dropped his keys in the bowl by the door as he entered his apartment. He shut the door behind him and walked to the kitchen to see Gabriel sitting on the counter surrounded by candy wrappers and chip bags. "I don't eat Doritos, Gabriel." He pulled the broom and dustpan from the space between the fridge and wall and swept up the wrappers. He collected the chip bags and threw them in the trash. "How did you get in my apartment?"
Gabriel shook his head in disappointment. "Spare key on the door frame, Castiel, really? It's a wonder you've never been gang raped."
Cas just shook his head at his brother's antics and got blankets for him to sleep on the couch. He had a feeling there was more to Gabriel's visit than wanting to connect. They hadn't seen each other in a couple years. They'd been at a family reunion when Raphael had decided to out Cas to the whole family. It hadn't gone over well and Cas hadn't been to see any of them since.
They spent the rest of the evening watching t.v., with Gabriel trying to get more than a few words from his brother and Cas trying to get Gabe to leave him the hell alone.
He took a shower, and tried not to think of Dean pressed against him, before turning in to bed.
He was awoken by the shrill ringtone he'd assigned to the hospital's number. He flung his hand out and pushed the phone to his ear. "Novak."
"Got a bad weather system moving in. Get here ASAP."
"K." He hung up and rubbed his face while sitting up. He rinsed his face off, brushed his teeth, and got dressed before slipping past Gabriel's sleeping form on the couch and out the apartment door to head to work.
He nearly slid off the road twice on the way. The rain was so bad he could barely see.
Once there he headed to triage where several people were already being treated. Richards looked up at him as he came in. "There's coffee in the staff room. Go gulp some and get back. You've got two minutes."
After that everything was a blur of activity. The storm raged on. Tornadoes and hail shredded their way through the city and the outlying areas. There wasn't time to think about anything beyond the patient in front of him. They were quickly overwhelmed as the waiting area became standing room only.
He was physically pulled away from a twelve year old boy he was performing CPR on. "Novak! Castiel! Stop! He's dead."
Thompson pulled him further from the table. Cas looked around to see two nurses staring at him. He looked up at the clock. It'd been sixteen hours since he'd arrived. It'd been forty minutes since he started resuscitation procedures. He cleared his throat. "Where's the family?"
"I'll take care of it. You need to rest."
The head nurse popped her head in the door. "What's going on in here? We need to clear this area." She barked at the two nurses who'd been staring at Castiel. She turned to the two doctors. "Electrocution on it's way. And two GSW's."
Cas stepped towards her but Thompson pulled him back. "No. Rest. Now." Cas glared at him. "Or I'll wake up Richards and he can tell you to do the same thing."
"Fine. I'm going."
He slept fitfully on the tiny cot. Richards was asleep on the one next to him.
He woke up two hours later to a huge bang. Richards was gone. He got up and went into the corridor. The lights were out.
"Generators down!"
There was a lot more yelling and movement as nurses and doctors rushed to stabilize patients.
By the time the storm was over and the majority of patients were cleared nearly two days had passed. There was still a lot to do but Richards had sent him home when it became apparent that he was too shaky and tired to be any good. He was angry for half a second before Richards said he was sending himself home too.
He didn't remember the drive home or walking up the stairs to his apartment. Gabriel was on the couch looking worried. He jumped up when Cas came in, asking him something. "I'm going to bed. If you wake me up I will destroy you." He didn't wait for a response before he crawled into bed and shut his eyes.
It seemed like he'd been asleep for a mere moment when he woke up but he felt much more coherent. There was a message on his phone from Thompson saying he'd been give the day off. He looked at the time after he'd listened to it to realize that he was two hours late for the shift he was suppose to work today so that worked out well.
His bedroom door swung open and Gabriel leaned against the frame eating a bowl of cereal. "Thought I heard you stirring in here."
Cas threw his pillow at him. It flew a few feet and landed just off the end of the bed. Gabriel looked down at it and shook his head sadly before taking another bite. "So this happen a lot?"
Cas grunted in question.
"You working thirty hour shifts?"
"We can't all be free-loaders." Cas stretched like a cat, trying to decide if he wanted to get out of bed at all today. He stared at Gabriel's cereal longingly. Seems his stomach had decided for him. He pushed himself to sit up using his arms and winced at the strain on his tired muscles caused by doing chest compressions. He headed to the bathroom to do some business and brush his teeth before going into the kitchen to make his own bowl of cereal, Gabriel taking up residence on his couch again.
They sat and watched part of a Rocky and Bulwinkle marathon. Gabriel got up to pee and Cas flipped around before landing on a documentary.
"-affects about one percent of people worldwide. It occurs equally among men and women, but in women it tends to begin later and be milder. For this reason, males tend to account for more than half of all patients. Although schizophrenia usually begins in young adulthood, there are cases in which the disorder begins later-"
"Shit." Cas went into his bedroom and grabbed his cell phone, scrolling through his contacts to land on 'Dean SexyPants Winchester'. He hit 'talk'.
"Hey bro! You want to get some dinner later?" Cas ignored Gabriel.
"Hello?"
"Dean?" Cas paced the floor between his bed and bathroom.
"Doctor Novak." Cas could hear the smile in the man's voice.
Cas paused mid-pace. "How did you know it was me?"
Dean laughed. "Your voice is kinda distinctive."
"Castiel? You hear me?" Gabriel asked from the doorway. "Oh, you're on the phone." He mimed locking his lips and backed out of the room as Cas glared at him.
"Cas? You there?"
He pulled the phone from his head and looked at it in confusion. Dean had given him a nickname? He shook his head and held the phone back up. "Yes. Are you free this evening?"
"Yeah, of course, what'd you have in mind?"
"Dinner? There's a nice Italian place near your house-"
"-Spinelli's. Yeah, that sounds great. You want to meet there about eight?"
Cas swallowed thickly. "Sounds...delightful."
Dean laughed again. "Casual Cas. Just no tie or smock, that's all I'm saying."
Cas smiled. "I'll see you then."
They said their goodbyes and hung up. Cas couldn't keep the smile from his face as he returned to his seat next to his brother. Gabriel watched him in a kind of morbid fascination. "You have a date? Is he hot?"
Castiel furrowed his brows. "What do you mean 'is he hot'?"
Gabriel blushed and looked away.
"Holy shit. You're gay."
"I'm not gay!" Gabriel smacked him with an accent pillow and the thought ran through his head 'Castiel has accent pillows?'. "I'm bi."
Castiel laughed lowly. Laughter bubbled out of him louder and louder until he was full out guffawing next to a stunned Gabriel. He finally stopped laughing a few minutes later. He felt lighter. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed having family. He smiled at Gabriel. "Get dressed. Let's go get something to eat."
It was pleasant, Castiel was forced to admit. Gabriel was funny, in an extremely eccentric, manic sort of way. Gabe flirted with their waiter until the man gave him his number. He showed it to Castiel proudly.
They went to see the latest Disney movie. Cas didn't care for it. "It's very unrealistic. No wonder straight men are always complaining. Women must all have such high expectations being raised on this sexist tripe."
They relaxed back in front of the t.v. and as eight o'clock drew nearer Castiel grew nervous. He didn't know why really. He'd already had his tongue down the other man's throat. He'd even grabbed his ass. There wasn't anything to be nervous about.
"Castiel! You're driving me crazy."
Cas looked at his brother. Gabriel gestured to Cas' bouncing leg and Cas immediately stopped bouncing it. At six-thirty he went and shaved and changed into a blue button-down shirt and black jeans. He walked out to the living room and Gabe looked him over. "Nice."
"Thank you." Cas looked at the clock, it was seven-twenty and he had to drive twenty minutes to get there. Twenty minutes early seemed a bit desperate. He sat next to Gabe for fifteen minutes, not paying attention to what was on the screen before he got up, grabbed his keys, and left without word.
```
Dean finished buttoning his shirt and took a breath. The man standing behind him wasn't being very helpful. "White? What if you spill something?"
"Jesus Sam, how's another colour gonna help with that?"
Dean watched Sam's lips moving in the mirror but he couldn't hear him over the voices telling him how hideous he was and how he deserved to die and he'd never be loved and he should kill Sam in his sleep so Sam wouldn't have to put up with him. He swallowed and shook his head, trying to ignore them. They'd been whispers yesterday.
"I gotta go. I'm already gonna be late." He walked out the house. It was nearing fall and a coolness was on the wind that comforted him. He took in a breath and tried to relax before setting out to Spinelli's.
He stepped inside the busy restaurant and spotted Cas sitting at a table about twenty feet away. "Can I help you, sir?"
He smiled at the host. "Yeah, I'm with that guy." He pointed to Cas and the man's eyes followed. "Right this way, sir."
Cas looked up and smiled as Dean walked up. "The waiter will be by shortly." They both thanked him as Dean took a seat.
"Nice place, huh?"
Cas smiled. "I've never been here before. I've heard the nurses speaking about it."
The waiter came by before more could be said and they ordered their drinks, Cas a white wine and Dean a beer.
Cas frowned at him as the waiter left. "Alcohol?"
"Don't go all doctory on me. It's one beer."
"You're right. I apologize."
The waiter came by with their drinks and they ordered their food.
"How about that weather?"
"Yes, I was at the hospital during most of it."
"I bet."
There was an awkward lull as they both searched for a topic of discussion. "So, what kind of music do you like?"
From there a good-natured argument about Chuck Berry versus Led Zeppelin of all things. They moved on through books, movies, comic books "The X-Men of course." "What are you talking about? Superman." "I always liked Angel." "Like from Buffy?", television, and inevitably, family.
"I never really knew my father. He left when I was very young. He seems to enjoy starting a new family every few years in a different city."
"So you have lots of brothers and sisters?" Dean spun his linguini on his fork and tried to stuff it in his mouth.
"Yes. One of them is staying with me at the moment in fact." Cas was cutting his pizza with a knife and fork. Dean had already commented on this strangeness.
Dean looked up and his response died on his tongue. There were people standing around their table staring down at them with dead eyes. They were naked. Dean shut his eyes and took a breath before opening them again. They were still there. One standing behind Castiel reached forward and touched Cas on the neck. Cas' eyes turned black and Dean jumped up from the table.
Cas looked up in surprise. "Dean?"
Dean swallowed. "I'll be right back. Excuse me." He hurried from the table into the empty men's room. He sighed and went to the sink to splash water on his face. He looked up into the mirror, the room was full of them. They started shrieking and Dean clapped hands on his ears. It made an ungodly wail as their voices mixed and crashed against one another's. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Shit. It's not real. Come on, Dean." He had no idea if anyone was in the room with him. There could be someone staring at him as he muttered to himself. "Shit." It stopped just as suddenly as it had started and he opened his eyes to see an empty room. He let out a shaky breath. He dried his face and hands and made his way back to the table.
He pasted a smile to his face as he sat back down. "Where were we?"
Cas smiled back but there was concern in his eyes. "Are you alright?"
"Fit as a fiddle." Dean picked up his fork and stabbed the beetle crawling on his plate. He sat the fork down and watched the beetles legs twitching in the air. He picked up his beer and spiders crawled out of it and ran up his arm and dropped to the table. He cleared his throat and set the beer back down. This wasn't going to work. He needed to get home before it got worse and he made a scene. Pretending it didn't exist when these things were as real to him as the man sitting across from him wasn't something he could keep up with.
Cas was kneeling next to him. When had that happened? He had Dean's wrist in his hand and was checking his pulse. People at the tables near them were trying not to stare. Their waiter was moving towards them from the kitchen entrance.
Deanjerked his arm away. "What are you doing? I'm fine."
Cas licked his lips and stood back up, moving back to his seat. "Maybe we should do this another night."
The room was so dark and cold. There were people moving in the darkness.
"You should die. You should die. You should die. Nobody wants a pathetic nothing like you."
"Where there is a tree there is a root. Where there is a root there is dirt. Nothing but dirt in your lungs. Nothing but a filthy monkey throwing it's own feces. Paranoid. Losing it's appetite for insects."
Their voices over-lapped. The flowed around him like waves and wind. And from what Sam had told him, one of them was using his mouth to scare the shit out of anyone near him.
Cas dug Dean's cell phone from his pocket and scrolled down to 'Sam', ignoring the contact 'Dr Sexy'.
"Dean? I don't think a 'call from the hospital' is gonna work on this guy. Just tell him you've go explosive diarrhea."
"Mr. Winchester. We are at Spinelli's. You should get here."
There was a moment's pause. "I'll be right there."
```
The next day Cas stopped by their house and Sam let him in before going to his room to give them privacy.
Cas sat on the couch next to Dean and didn't say anything.
Dean decided to get the conversation started. "I'm not taking all the medication I was prescribed. I had....an issue with the one they want me on again now and...I don't want to feel like that again."
Cas rubbed his temple. "Instead you want to have hallucinations while you're at dinner?"
"No."
They sat in silence.
"I don't think we should do this then." Dean looked close to tears as Cas spoke. "I don't have a lot of experience with this, Dean."
"I know."
"You shouldn't expect this much of me."
"I don't." Dean shook his head sadly.
Cas stood and walked to the front door. "Call me when you decide to adhere to your doctor's treatment plan."
Dean nodded as Cas left, then he let the tears slip out.
~~~
TBC
still debating the Sam/Jess/Gabriel thing
comments give me POWER!!!
Theme Song
Pairing: Dean/Castiel, Sam/Jess, Bobby, Gabriel
Title: Canst thou not minister to a mind diseased? 2
Rating: 15 or so
Genre: AU, angst, romance, mental illness
Summary: Dean is a group therapy organizer. He also happens to be schizophrenic. Cas is a morose E.R. doctor. Sam is a caring brother...and some other profession I haven't thought of yet. Bobby is Dean's old-fashioned, gruff psychiatrist. and uh....Jess and Gabriel are there....also.
Author's Notes: have you noticed how I hate summaries? well I do. thanks to everyone who left an encouraging comment on the first part. I appreciate it.
"I felt like I was lying on the ground covered with leaves. Like a four foot thick pile of leaves. And people were walking on me. Laughing and talking. They didn't know I was there. Roaches and worms were crawling on me."
~~~
"Dean!"
"What?!"
Sam stepped out the open back door to find Dean putting mulch in Jess' garden. Sam raised his eyebrows. "Jess ask you to do this?"
"It looked like shit." Dean said while pushing the mulch around with a hoe.
"Don't you have an appointment today?" Sam was asking the question to be nice really. He was a stickler for Dean keeping his appointments but they'd had one argument too many about Sam demanding he go instead of gently reminding him.
Dean thrust the hoe at him. "Tell her you did it. Maybe you'll get lucky."
"As if I need help for that?"
"Are you saying Jess is easy?"
"...she's standing behind me and you're trying to get me in trouble right?"
Dean grinned as Jess hugged Sam from behind and spoke around his large frame. "Thank you, Dean. I was dreading doing that."
"No problem, babe." He slapped her ass lightly as he passed into the house.
"Hey!" He laughed at Sam's exclamation and headed for his room to change.
```
"So what happened to your hand?"
"That bookshelf you gave me, thanks again by the way, it needed a little extra support." Bobby looked at him expectantly. "So I borrowed Sam's nail gun."
Bobby looked down at his notes. "You know there's a whole list of things you're not suppose to be touching, pretty sure nail gun's on there."
"It's not like I went all Evil Dead. I missed."
"Well you know I have to take these things seriously. Whether you want me to drop it or not this is gonna be entered in my notes. And, to be honest, when the state weighs in next month I'll have to mention it."
Dean shot out of his chair and paced the room frantically. "I can't keep this up, man. I need a real job."
"You don't like working the groups here?"
Dean stopped and threw up his arms, laughing derisively. "I hate it! Group therapy is a crock of shit. And relying on Sammy is embarrassing."
Bobby pushed his brows together. "Why do you say that? Sam loves taking care of you."
"I don't want Sam taking care of me. It's my job to look after him." Dean growled back. Dean sat down back down on the edge of the seat, elbows on his knees. "Look, whether I talk about this or not doesn't mean anything and you know it. All this shit isn't going away...ever. So why am I even here? These meds work."
"You know it doesn't work like that." Bobby's eyes followed Dean's hand as he pulled at his own hair with it in frustration. "Do you think you should shave your head again?"
Dean shot out of the chair again. "Fuck this!" He went into the private bathroom.
Bobby was becoming concerned by his behaviour. He made some notes while waiting for Dean to come back out.
Dean came back out and stopped, crossing his arms. "I really don't want to be here today. Can we reschedule?"
Bobby pointed at the chair across from him with his pen. "Sit. Down." They stared each other down until Dean finally moved and sat back in the chair. "What's with you today?"
"Nothing. I'm just frustrated by life in general."
"Uh huh. How many people are in the room?" Bobby had asked this question of Dean many, many times.
Dean ground his teeth together. "Just you and me."
It was an obvious lie. Bobby sighed in resignation and pulled the prescription pad towards him. He wrote on it quickly and held it out to Dean.
Dean took it and read it. "No. You had me on this one already."
"And it worked."
"It worked?! I wanted to kill myself!"
Bobby had to bite his tongue before he said something awful in response to that. "It's a much lower dose. I want you to add it to your other treatments."
Dean just shook his head and stared out the window.
"We have to find the right balance, Dean."
```
He had debated telling Bobby about the E.R. doctor. It's not like it mattered really, but someone knowing about his illness and not giving a damn was a rare occurrence. He was ignoring the voices telling him to go back to the hospital and fuck the doctor over the admitting counter.
Dean didn't really consider himself bi, gay, or straight. After having so many labels put on you by the government, friends, and family putting one more on himself wasn't something he wanted to consider. If someone was hot, they were hot, end of story.
And the doctor had been very hot. He was also currently standing a few customers in front of Dean in line at Starbuck's.
He was wearing his white doctor's coat. Dean wondered if he ever took it off.
Cas ordered his coffee and went to the pick up counter. He got his order and started to walk out when he caught sight of Dean and their eyes met. Dean smiled as Cas walked towards the exit, passing by the line. "Hey doc, how about that coffee?"
Cas paused next to him and took a sip. "It's good." He continued walking.
Dean pursed his lips in irritation and stepped up to the counter.
Cas turned just outside the door and watched Dean get a Horizon milk and a blueberry muffin before sitting at one of the tables inside. Cas looked down at the coffee in his hand in thought before groaning in acceptance and walking back into the establishment. He sat at the empty seat across from Dean and took in Dean's look of surprise.
A warm smile broke out across Dean's face. "Couldn't stay away?"
"So it appears."
Dean took a bite of his muffin and spoke through it, making Cas cringe. "So I didn't get a chance to thank you for ripping a nail out of my hand without warning."
"Warning someone makes them tense up. The muscles stiffen and removing the object becomes more difficult."
Dean nodded and sipped at his milk. Cas may have seemed okay with it before but Dean doubted the guy would want to date a head-case so Dean decided to throw caution to the wind. "You know I live about a block from here."
Cas paused mid-sip. "Oh?"
Dean nodded again. "Yeah and you don't really strike me as the type for emotional attachments."
Castiel blinked at his blunt statement and made one of his own. "You're suggesting we go to your house and have sex in the middle of the afternoon and never call each other?"
Dean choked on his milk and coughed. "Well, I wasn't gonna say it like that, but now that you mention it."
Cas stood up.
Dean's eyes widened and he looked up at him. "Really?"
"If you're amenable?"
"I'm not sure what that means but I'm pretty sure whatever it is that I'm very. So very is the answer here."
They threw away their trash and walked in silence towards Sam and Dean's house. When they stepped inside Dean locked the door and took Cas' hand, pulling him into his bedroom. He locked that door too before pushing Cas against it with a kiss. It wasn't awkward, they were both good kissers, but there wasn't much heat to it. Cas seemed to be just accepting whatever happened and Dean remembered asking him if he hated his job. It was fairly obvious that Cas was pretty depressed.
Dean pulled back and licked his lips, looking at Cas who just looked back at him blandly. "You don't really want to do this do you?"
Cas looked at the floor, his eyes darting in confusion. "I'm unsure." Dean sighed and Cas looked back up at him. "You don't either."
They stared at each other. This wasn't like staring at Sam or Bobby, since those times were usually in frustration or to make a sarcastic point. There was something here, in Cas' eyes, that he didn't want to look away from.
Dean stepped back and held out his hand. "Hi. I'm Dean Winchester."
Cas looked confused but took the offered hand and shook it. "Castiel Novak."
Dean raised his eyebrows. "Castiel?"
"My mother said Daniel was too common." Cas looked surprised that he'd offered this information so easily.
Dean just smiled. "Want to get a drink some time?"
"You want to date me?" Cas looked uncertain.
Dean just smiled more. "Yeah, I really do. I thought this," He gestured towards the bed. "might be more what you were looking for but it's not what I want, so" Dean reached into Cas' pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He typed on it and showed the screen to Cas where he'd added himself to Cas' contacts. "I'll leave it up to you." He put Cas' phone back in the pocket he'd pulled it from, never breaking eye contact. He reached behind Cas and unlocked the bedroom door. Cas took the hint and stepped back out into the hall.
They walked to the front door and Dean unlocked it and held it open. Cas started to leave and stopped. He always seemed to be at war with himself.
Cas turned and grabbed Dean's shirt and pulled him into another kiss. This one had passion behind it. Dean melted into him, grabbing his hips and pulling Cas flush against him. Cas' hand went from balled into Dean's shirt to sliding through Dean's hair, his other hand on Dean's ass pulling him closer.
Someone cleared their throat loudly and Dean jerked away, turning to glare at Sam who'd just stepped in from the backyard. Sam pointed towards the kitchen and then walked into it.
"I'll call you." Cas mumbled against his neck. And then he was suddenly gone.
Dean smoothed out his shirt before closing and locking the door behind him. He headed into the kitchen where Sam was leaning against the counter looking at him in question. Dean shrugged. "We were both at Starbuck's."
Sam just shook his head and went to the fridge to start making dinner.
```
"Hey Castiel, you're out of Doritos!"
Cas dropped his keys in the bowl by the door as he entered his apartment. He shut the door behind him and walked to the kitchen to see Gabriel sitting on the counter surrounded by candy wrappers and chip bags. "I don't eat Doritos, Gabriel." He pulled the broom and dustpan from the space between the fridge and wall and swept up the wrappers. He collected the chip bags and threw them in the trash. "How did you get in my apartment?"
Gabriel shook his head in disappointment. "Spare key on the door frame, Castiel, really? It's a wonder you've never been gang raped."
Cas just shook his head at his brother's antics and got blankets for him to sleep on the couch. He had a feeling there was more to Gabriel's visit than wanting to connect. They hadn't seen each other in a couple years. They'd been at a family reunion when Raphael had decided to out Cas to the whole family. It hadn't gone over well and Cas hadn't been to see any of them since.
They spent the rest of the evening watching t.v., with Gabriel trying to get more than a few words from his brother and Cas trying to get Gabe to leave him the hell alone.
He took a shower, and tried not to think of Dean pressed against him, before turning in to bed.
He was awoken by the shrill ringtone he'd assigned to the hospital's number. He flung his hand out and pushed the phone to his ear. "Novak."
"Got a bad weather system moving in. Get here ASAP."
"K." He hung up and rubbed his face while sitting up. He rinsed his face off, brushed his teeth, and got dressed before slipping past Gabriel's sleeping form on the couch and out the apartment door to head to work.
He nearly slid off the road twice on the way. The rain was so bad he could barely see.
Once there he headed to triage where several people were already being treated. Richards looked up at him as he came in. "There's coffee in the staff room. Go gulp some and get back. You've got two minutes."
After that everything was a blur of activity. The storm raged on. Tornadoes and hail shredded their way through the city and the outlying areas. There wasn't time to think about anything beyond the patient in front of him. They were quickly overwhelmed as the waiting area became standing room only.
He was physically pulled away from a twelve year old boy he was performing CPR on. "Novak! Castiel! Stop! He's dead."
Thompson pulled him further from the table. Cas looked around to see two nurses staring at him. He looked up at the clock. It'd been sixteen hours since he'd arrived. It'd been forty minutes since he started resuscitation procedures. He cleared his throat. "Where's the family?"
"I'll take care of it. You need to rest."
The head nurse popped her head in the door. "What's going on in here? We need to clear this area." She barked at the two nurses who'd been staring at Castiel. She turned to the two doctors. "Electrocution on it's way. And two GSW's."
Cas stepped towards her but Thompson pulled him back. "No. Rest. Now." Cas glared at him. "Or I'll wake up Richards and he can tell you to do the same thing."
"Fine. I'm going."
He slept fitfully on the tiny cot. Richards was asleep on the one next to him.
He woke up two hours later to a huge bang. Richards was gone. He got up and went into the corridor. The lights were out.
"Generators down!"
There was a lot more yelling and movement as nurses and doctors rushed to stabilize patients.
By the time the storm was over and the majority of patients were cleared nearly two days had passed. There was still a lot to do but Richards had sent him home when it became apparent that he was too shaky and tired to be any good. He was angry for half a second before Richards said he was sending himself home too.
He didn't remember the drive home or walking up the stairs to his apartment. Gabriel was on the couch looking worried. He jumped up when Cas came in, asking him something. "I'm going to bed. If you wake me up I will destroy you." He didn't wait for a response before he crawled into bed and shut his eyes.
It seemed like he'd been asleep for a mere moment when he woke up but he felt much more coherent. There was a message on his phone from Thompson saying he'd been give the day off. He looked at the time after he'd listened to it to realize that he was two hours late for the shift he was suppose to work today so that worked out well.
His bedroom door swung open and Gabriel leaned against the frame eating a bowl of cereal. "Thought I heard you stirring in here."
Cas threw his pillow at him. It flew a few feet and landed just off the end of the bed. Gabriel looked down at it and shook his head sadly before taking another bite. "So this happen a lot?"
Cas grunted in question.
"You working thirty hour shifts?"
"We can't all be free-loaders." Cas stretched like a cat, trying to decide if he wanted to get out of bed at all today. He stared at Gabriel's cereal longingly. Seems his stomach had decided for him. He pushed himself to sit up using his arms and winced at the strain on his tired muscles caused by doing chest compressions. He headed to the bathroom to do some business and brush his teeth before going into the kitchen to make his own bowl of cereal, Gabriel taking up residence on his couch again.
They sat and watched part of a Rocky and Bulwinkle marathon. Gabriel got up to pee and Cas flipped around before landing on a documentary.
"-affects about one percent of people worldwide. It occurs equally among men and women, but in women it tends to begin later and be milder. For this reason, males tend to account for more than half of all patients. Although schizophrenia usually begins in young adulthood, there are cases in which the disorder begins later-"
"Shit." Cas went into his bedroom and grabbed his cell phone, scrolling through his contacts to land on 'Dean SexyPants Winchester'. He hit 'talk'.
"Hey bro! You want to get some dinner later?" Cas ignored Gabriel.
"Hello?"
"Dean?" Cas paced the floor between his bed and bathroom.
"Doctor Novak." Cas could hear the smile in the man's voice.
Cas paused mid-pace. "How did you know it was me?"
Dean laughed. "Your voice is kinda distinctive."
"Castiel? You hear me?" Gabriel asked from the doorway. "Oh, you're on the phone." He mimed locking his lips and backed out of the room as Cas glared at him.
"Cas? You there?"
He pulled the phone from his head and looked at it in confusion. Dean had given him a nickname? He shook his head and held the phone back up. "Yes. Are you free this evening?"
"Yeah, of course, what'd you have in mind?"
"Dinner? There's a nice Italian place near your house-"
"-Spinelli's. Yeah, that sounds great. You want to meet there about eight?"
Cas swallowed thickly. "Sounds...delightful."
Dean laughed again. "Casual Cas. Just no tie or smock, that's all I'm saying."
Cas smiled. "I'll see you then."
They said their goodbyes and hung up. Cas couldn't keep the smile from his face as he returned to his seat next to his brother. Gabriel watched him in a kind of morbid fascination. "You have a date? Is he hot?"
Castiel furrowed his brows. "What do you mean 'is he hot'?"
Gabriel blushed and looked away.
"Holy shit. You're gay."
"I'm not gay!" Gabriel smacked him with an accent pillow and the thought ran through his head 'Castiel has accent pillows?'. "I'm bi."
Castiel laughed lowly. Laughter bubbled out of him louder and louder until he was full out guffawing next to a stunned Gabriel. He finally stopped laughing a few minutes later. He felt lighter. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed having family. He smiled at Gabriel. "Get dressed. Let's go get something to eat."
It was pleasant, Castiel was forced to admit. Gabriel was funny, in an extremely eccentric, manic sort of way. Gabe flirted with their waiter until the man gave him his number. He showed it to Castiel proudly.
They went to see the latest Disney movie. Cas didn't care for it. "It's very unrealistic. No wonder straight men are always complaining. Women must all have such high expectations being raised on this sexist tripe."
They relaxed back in front of the t.v. and as eight o'clock drew nearer Castiel grew nervous. He didn't know why really. He'd already had his tongue down the other man's throat. He'd even grabbed his ass. There wasn't anything to be nervous about.
"Castiel! You're driving me crazy."
Cas looked at his brother. Gabriel gestured to Cas' bouncing leg and Cas immediately stopped bouncing it. At six-thirty he went and shaved and changed into a blue button-down shirt and black jeans. He walked out to the living room and Gabe looked him over. "Nice."
"Thank you." Cas looked at the clock, it was seven-twenty and he had to drive twenty minutes to get there. Twenty minutes early seemed a bit desperate. He sat next to Gabe for fifteen minutes, not paying attention to what was on the screen before he got up, grabbed his keys, and left without word.
```
Dean finished buttoning his shirt and took a breath. The man standing behind him wasn't being very helpful. "White? What if you spill something?"
"Jesus Sam, how's another colour gonna help with that?"
Dean watched Sam's lips moving in the mirror but he couldn't hear him over the voices telling him how hideous he was and how he deserved to die and he'd never be loved and he should kill Sam in his sleep so Sam wouldn't have to put up with him. He swallowed and shook his head, trying to ignore them. They'd been whispers yesterday.
"I gotta go. I'm already gonna be late." He walked out the house. It was nearing fall and a coolness was on the wind that comforted him. He took in a breath and tried to relax before setting out to Spinelli's.
He stepped inside the busy restaurant and spotted Cas sitting at a table about twenty feet away. "Can I help you, sir?"
He smiled at the host. "Yeah, I'm with that guy." He pointed to Cas and the man's eyes followed. "Right this way, sir."
Cas looked up and smiled as Dean walked up. "The waiter will be by shortly." They both thanked him as Dean took a seat.
"Nice place, huh?"
Cas smiled. "I've never been here before. I've heard the nurses speaking about it."
The waiter came by before more could be said and they ordered their drinks, Cas a white wine and Dean a beer.
Cas frowned at him as the waiter left. "Alcohol?"
"Don't go all doctory on me. It's one beer."
"You're right. I apologize."
The waiter came by with their drinks and they ordered their food.
"How about that weather?"
"Yes, I was at the hospital during most of it."
"I bet."
There was an awkward lull as they both searched for a topic of discussion. "So, what kind of music do you like?"
From there a good-natured argument about Chuck Berry versus Led Zeppelin of all things. They moved on through books, movies, comic books "The X-Men of course." "What are you talking about? Superman." "I always liked Angel." "Like from Buffy?", television, and inevitably, family.
"I never really knew my father. He left when I was very young. He seems to enjoy starting a new family every few years in a different city."
"So you have lots of brothers and sisters?" Dean spun his linguini on his fork and tried to stuff it in his mouth.
"Yes. One of them is staying with me at the moment in fact." Cas was cutting his pizza with a knife and fork. Dean had already commented on this strangeness.
Dean looked up and his response died on his tongue. There were people standing around their table staring down at them with dead eyes. They were naked. Dean shut his eyes and took a breath before opening them again. They were still there. One standing behind Castiel reached forward and touched Cas on the neck. Cas' eyes turned black and Dean jumped up from the table.
Cas looked up in surprise. "Dean?"
Dean swallowed. "I'll be right back. Excuse me." He hurried from the table into the empty men's room. He sighed and went to the sink to splash water on his face. He looked up into the mirror, the room was full of them. They started shrieking and Dean clapped hands on his ears. It made an ungodly wail as their voices mixed and crashed against one another's. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Shit. It's not real. Come on, Dean." He had no idea if anyone was in the room with him. There could be someone staring at him as he muttered to himself. "Shit." It stopped just as suddenly as it had started and he opened his eyes to see an empty room. He let out a shaky breath. He dried his face and hands and made his way back to the table.
He pasted a smile to his face as he sat back down. "Where were we?"
Cas smiled back but there was concern in his eyes. "Are you alright?"
"Fit as a fiddle." Dean picked up his fork and stabbed the beetle crawling on his plate. He sat the fork down and watched the beetles legs twitching in the air. He picked up his beer and spiders crawled out of it and ran up his arm and dropped to the table. He cleared his throat and set the beer back down. This wasn't going to work. He needed to get home before it got worse and he made a scene. Pretending it didn't exist when these things were as real to him as the man sitting across from him wasn't something he could keep up with.
Cas was kneeling next to him. When had that happened? He had Dean's wrist in his hand and was checking his pulse. People at the tables near them were trying not to stare. Their waiter was moving towards them from the kitchen entrance.
Deanjerked his arm away. "What are you doing? I'm fine."
Cas licked his lips and stood back up, moving back to his seat. "Maybe we should do this another night."
The room was so dark and cold. There were people moving in the darkness.
"You should die. You should die. You should die. Nobody wants a pathetic nothing like you."
"Where there is a tree there is a root. Where there is a root there is dirt. Nothing but dirt in your lungs. Nothing but a filthy monkey throwing it's own feces. Paranoid. Losing it's appetite for insects."
Their voices over-lapped. The flowed around him like waves and wind. And from what Sam had told him, one of them was using his mouth to scare the shit out of anyone near him.
Cas dug Dean's cell phone from his pocket and scrolled down to 'Sam', ignoring the contact 'Dr Sexy'.
"Dean? I don't think a 'call from the hospital' is gonna work on this guy. Just tell him you've go explosive diarrhea."
"Mr. Winchester. We are at Spinelli's. You should get here."
There was a moment's pause. "I'll be right there."
```
The next day Cas stopped by their house and Sam let him in before going to his room to give them privacy.
Cas sat on the couch next to Dean and didn't say anything.
Dean decided to get the conversation started. "I'm not taking all the medication I was prescribed. I had....an issue with the one they want me on again now and...I don't want to feel like that again."
Cas rubbed his temple. "Instead you want to have hallucinations while you're at dinner?"
"No."
They sat in silence.
"I don't think we should do this then." Dean looked close to tears as Cas spoke. "I don't have a lot of experience with this, Dean."
"I know."
"You shouldn't expect this much of me."
"I don't." Dean shook his head sadly.
Cas stood and walked to the front door. "Call me when you decide to adhere to your doctor's treatment plan."
Dean nodded as Cas left, then he let the tears slip out.
~~~
TBC
still debating the Sam/Jess/Gabriel thing
comments give me POWER!!!
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