The Start. Again.
So much has changed. I am someone else. Again. I don't think I will ever stop changing. That's just what I am, a changeling. Unpredictable. Undependable.
I really didn't want to have to ever start over again. I'm fine and then something reminds me that I'm back at the beginning. It's exciting and I look forward to it, but man was it good to just KNOW. No more questions. Guards down. Because you knew the form. A dance. After your problems came up and you fought, you cried, you solved them. Done. Eventually you can get to a point where you can stand naked without thinking about it. Not think about them for a whole day.
To me, love used to mean that you shared everything. That it was something you teach. This is how I need it. And being alone in my head was the scariest thing. I wanted to be studied like something he wanted to know everything about. Like, if there was ever a test, he'd ace it. Needless to say I was extremely disappointed. Close though. Probably the closest it will ever get. But my point: I wont try that again. Just too complicated in there.
One of the major differences between then and now is that I wont be surprised when shit hits the fan. I still wont know what to do when there is shouting and angry faces and shoving, but at least I know that it's coming. Maybe this time I will surprise myself and do something remarkable, like that thing we do when, out of pure instinct, we absent mindedly pluck a flying object out of the air and save it from breaking. "I dunno how I just did that."
I really didn't want to have to ever start over again. I'm fine and then something reminds me that I'm back at the beginning. It's exciting and I look forward to it, but man was it good to just KNOW. No more questions. Guards down. Because you knew the form. A dance. After your problems came up and you fought, you cried, you solved them. Done. Eventually you can get to a point where you can stand naked without thinking about it. Not think about them for a whole day.
To me, love used to mean that you shared everything. That it was something you teach. This is how I need it. And being alone in my head was the scariest thing. I wanted to be studied like something he wanted to know everything about. Like, if there was ever a test, he'd ace it. Needless to say I was extremely disappointed. Close though. Probably the closest it will ever get. But my point: I wont try that again. Just too complicated in there.
One of the major differences between then and now is that I wont be surprised when shit hits the fan. I still wont know what to do when there is shouting and angry faces and shoving, but at least I know that it's coming. Maybe this time I will surprise myself and do something remarkable, like that thing we do when, out of pure instinct, we absent mindedly pluck a flying object out of the air and save it from breaking. "I dunno how I just did that."