so tired I am afraid that I can't sleep
I am so smoking a cigarette right now... hearing someone tell me that regardless of whether I smoke or not and regardless of whether I stop drinking in this very moment of time forever... I will still never make it to my old age.. really did not do well on my nerves.. I am thinking maybe that if I refuse to grow up it won't matter that I am not going to grow old.. don't worry not going through any type of crisis.. I am actually in a rather benevolent mood.. despite the fact that I don't think I have really slept since Wednesday.. shear will perhaps even hope may be driving me at this moment.
Pedro bought me dinner two nights ago .. or maybe it was last night..
I am testing a new theory at work starting tomorrow.. I'll let you know how it goes.. I have to properly word my hypothesis before I drop it on you..
Question of the Day-- " So Vik baby.. tell me.. What's your deal? You know your story? " I get asked that question a lot.. and I never know what exactly to say.. like hey.. yeah let me condense my life time for you in ten to eleven sentences.. and see if you get a sense of who I am.... I don't think I could spend four drunken hours conveying it all.. one thing I decided a few nights ago.. sitting at a bar.. waiting for my peeps to get back (they ran out for a quick weedage while I chilled in this booth at the old saloon.. people watching for ten min or so) Some pretty hot guys were checking me out and buying me drinks.. and for all that I was attracted to them.. I couldn't bring myself to do a thing about it ... all I could think was.. why bother? Why bother having this drink with you and maybe giving you my number.. and if it does turn into something and we get serious.. ending up at some other bar by myself... rehashing what went wrong. telling myself it wasn't meant to be.. that little lie we console ourselves with .. the bandaid that lets us keep that future scar hidden and protected for a while.. fuck that.. too much drama.. game plan at current is to skip the drama.. and when the craving for sex gets too strong.. find me a nice little bed buddy or just suck it up and ignore the crave..(these thoughts are unconnected and not well drawn out. later i'll clearly articulate my distaste for it all yet currently so very tired..)
I decided that I might be a lost cause.. that I don't want to give up on love.. but I think that I have screwed up things before and that I have been hurt so bad.. especially lately that I just can't bring myself to say.. I believe in love.. with out crossing my fingers. Maybe love is real.. it just isn't something I'm going to be allowed to have in life.. I just want to say this real quick..
Damn you Steve for breaking the last thread of trust I might ever have for anyone.. damn you for making me fall for you.. and then hurting me so bad.. I've had a lot of pain in my life.. but nothing has come to make feel that empty... damn you to hell Steve... and I need to stop now..
A recent conversation at work led me to evaluate a few things about me.. apparently there is a suspicion amongst a few that I must be a lesbian.. here stated plainly by the gay hostess at work is why the rumor started... I have failed to sleep with any of the guys who hit on me at work.. apparently this leaves me in a very small minority at work.. being that out of more than one hundred servers and a couple hundred staff members total.. I haven't slept with any of my fellow staff members... I am not married, getting married, or have a boyfriend.. this has befuddled a few of the guys... who after hitting on me and being shot down consoled themself with the fact that the reason I wasn't playing ball with them was because I was in fact on an entirely different team then they had imagined.... also stated to me by said host... "Victoria you are a confident sexual female with short hair and you haven't even slept with Rich, Steve, or Mark... seriously sweetie ofcourse it was assumed you were a lesbian." this statement left me speechless.. at first I thought I must defend my sexuality.. then I moved over to pure indifference deriving from exhaustion.. this weekend has kicked my ass at work.. I am so sore that my legs are numb and my back is as stiff as a board... currently re evaluating my decision to go on strike as far as dating and guys is.. Need back massage.. and a few other things...
Weeks events summarized into snippet of ramblage- drank too much Tequila, got pulled over by the cops and drug searched.. it was a scene.. almost wanted to tell them they were too late and a dollar or two short.. (sorry boys I haven't smoked the maryjane in quite some time and I don't plan too.. ) ate dinner with Dad.. and didn't have a ridiculous argument..
which leads me to the dad story... he had a stroke a bit ago..the doctors tell him he will be lucky to make it to 65 years old... that he should expect not to live more than ten years from his age.. he is forty two.. I believe they call it second stage heart disease.. he also has palpitations.. one part of his heart is enlarged and not functioning correctly or fully, the scar tissue from the stroke is a serious concern for his doctor and he has quite drinking for more than four months and become a born again Christian.. I know ... I was skeptical too.. I thought his new religious ways would fall apart with this heart situation yet he seems even more faith-filled and a totally different person than I know my father to be... alarming ... I am caught off gaurd and a little unsure what to do... I am going to church with him tomorrow morning... don't worry I'll be okay
I FIXED THE DOME LIGHT IN MY CAR ALL BY MYSELF!!!! groundbreaking I know.. but I did it by myself and I am amazed by me..
the only thing getting me through this weekend is the knowledge that Monday night after I get off work I am going to Sneaky Pete's .. where my favorite bartender Jamie has a gift waiting for me.. ( a portable alarm clock.. since I can't bring myself to buy a new one or through my own out.. despite the fact it only functions when I tilt it at a sixty degree angle).. and Jamie my darling will have all the alcohol I can stand waiting for me.. and I only pay seven bucks plus his ridiculous tip... after my friends and I close down the bar we are going to an after party at a friends house who is house sitting for her sister .. who happens to have a hot tub.. now all I need me is a hot boy to get all drunk with.. hmmm sorry old habits die a slow hard death
moment of zen----- bubble jets