I don't know what to do.........
My husband has really done it.....I don't know what I am going to do. I can't go on and continue to live this emotional up and down roller coaster. We were what I thought "happy" on Friday til he did a 180 on me on Saturday, so i tried to stay out of his way, but by Monday he totally pissed me off. And I am thinking I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I know marriage, hell relationships, are hard, but do you try to sabotage your relationship continually....
Last night as I was watching television, my 2 year old still running around, he was playing with his Daddy, out of the blue he says "Why are you here?" I look at him, cause I am at a loss for words, and cannot believe this man has insulted my reason for being with him and in this family. I left put a load of laundry in the wash, and sat back down. "Are you going to answer my question?" he asks again. "No" I say, "because obviously you don't want me here" So I get up and start to pack a bag. Then he asks what I am doing? I tell him, leaving. Cause it's obvious that he doesn't want me here. I don't understand, as I get in the car and prepare to go, he stops me. And takes my keys. And still wants me to answer this stupid ass question that came out of the blue. I yell at him to get out my way. And ask him how could he insult me like that. So after he has taken my second set of keys away from me, I just stand in the living room, seething with fury. He says for me to go in the room and sit, so he can talk to me. Well it all boils down to, I want to know why you are here, cause he thinks I don't want to be here. That I don't make time for him and I to spend together. That I can make time for everyone else, but not him......I point out, that he is getting mad at the wrong person. He gets up at 3am, so he goes to bed at 10pm, soon as he comes home at 1pm, he is sleep until 5 or 6pm. I am busy with our 2y/o, ushering my 8 and 11 y/o to bathtub, or trying to cook a meal. On the weekend is our only family time. He lays around and I like to go out, well he doesn't, so I am usually by myself. I need a freakin' break too, and I have to expend myself just a bit further by making sure I am attentive to him. This summer is especially difficult, as the kids are home all day and we have to have things for them to do also. I don't understand......I really don't.. So I ask him how can he ask me a question like that, cause if I didn't want to be here, then I would be with my family in New York, where atleast I am loved, needed, and wanted. Near my family, my sister, brother, mother and father, aunts, uncle's, and numerous cousin's that I am close too..Instead of this godforsaken hell hole, with no one to connect me to my family I miss. Where if I came with my children and no money, that I know I always have a place to go. So how dare he insult me and my integrity because he is insecure in his own. "Why are you here?" .......
Ok, I was going to write this last night, but I was sooo mad, I slept on the sofa last night, but then went into my comfy bed later. I haven't gotten an apology at all. But now he is trying to make it ok. I am still hurt and angry. I am trying to be civil, but I can't do it. It is emotionally upsetting.
On a good note, I got my 2y/o hair cut finally today. I think I miss his afro, more than him. He looks like his older brother now. He finally knocked out. but he looks cute.
Til next time.........