My mom < everyone else
I feel so stupid writing these things, because I know no one is reading them, but it makes me feel better to get these thoughts out of my head so I don't go insane.
I am absolutely fed up with my mom. I cannot stand to live with her another fucking day, let alone two years. No one knows the psychological battles I have to endure on a day to day basis just to deal with her. She puts me through so much, tries to make me feel guilty for things that no normal teenager should ever have to face, and continually throws in my face how disappointed I make her. I constantly feel like shit because of her, when everyone else my age enjoys the freedom they deserve. I get so close to her, only to be pushed away by my own "mistakes," or what she sees as flaws in her eyes.
To me, it's all bullshit. The only thing she is doing is reassuring me the miles in distance I want to put between us as soon as I am old enough to support myself. Don't sit there and tell me you're doing this out of love, you're doing this because you 'care about me'. Fucking let me be happy. Let me be like everyone else. Let me liiiiiiiiiiive.
And just when I think things couldn't get worse, they do. As soon as one event triggers a certain sadness in my mood they all just keep coming. I start to think about where I am in life, who I have in it, the way people treat me, the way things used to be, the people I miss...
What my mother doesn't realize is although it is hard to raise two children as well as a newborn baby at age 42, it is also easily just as hard being a sixteen year old girl in high school. I have yet to establish anything for myself; I don't pay my own bills, buy my own food/clothes, I can barely afford to even pay back the people who fucking loan me money. It makes me feel worthless and small when every single freedom is taken away from me - ESPECIALLY when on top of that, my mother let's me know how much I've let her down - and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. My identity is all I have when I have no one else.
Honestly all I want is stability & contentness. A worry-free life. A month worth's of smiles and easy going. A year of consistent happiness..
I want to be able to look back at my years in high school, and think that maybe it wasn't all so bad. I want to be able to remember the amazing times I had, the great people I met, and the experiences I learned from and will never forget. I want to sit here and not feel like everything I am doing/have done wasn't a complete waste of time. Most of all, I want to learn how to not let any of this bullshit get to me as much as it does. If you think you can teach me how to do that, by all means be my guest.
I am absolutely fed up with my mom. I cannot stand to live with her another fucking day, let alone two years. No one knows the psychological battles I have to endure on a day to day basis just to deal with her. She puts me through so much, tries to make me feel guilty for things that no normal teenager should ever have to face, and continually throws in my face how disappointed I make her. I constantly feel like shit because of her, when everyone else my age enjoys the freedom they deserve. I get so close to her, only to be pushed away by my own "mistakes," or what she sees as flaws in her eyes.
To me, it's all bullshit. The only thing she is doing is reassuring me the miles in distance I want to put between us as soon as I am old enough to support myself. Don't sit there and tell me you're doing this out of love, you're doing this because you 'care about me'. Fucking let me be happy. Let me be like everyone else. Let me liiiiiiiiiiive.
And just when I think things couldn't get worse, they do. As soon as one event triggers a certain sadness in my mood they all just keep coming. I start to think about where I am in life, who I have in it, the way people treat me, the way things used to be, the people I miss...
What my mother doesn't realize is although it is hard to raise two children as well as a newborn baby at age 42, it is also easily just as hard being a sixteen year old girl in high school. I have yet to establish anything for myself; I don't pay my own bills, buy my own food/clothes, I can barely afford to even pay back the people who fucking loan me money. It makes me feel worthless and small when every single freedom is taken away from me - ESPECIALLY when on top of that, my mother let's me know how much I've let her down - and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. My identity is all I have when I have no one else.
Honestly all I want is stability & contentness. A worry-free life. A month worth's of smiles and easy going. A year of consistent happiness..
I want to be able to look back at my years in high school, and think that maybe it wasn't all so bad. I want to be able to remember the amazing times I had, the great people I met, and the experiences I learned from and will never forget. I want to sit here and not feel like everything I am doing/have done wasn't a complete waste of time. Most of all, I want to learn how to not let any of this bullshit get to me as much as it does. If you think you can teach me how to do that, by all means be my guest.