Sunday
Dear friend,
I woke up this morning in a sea of sleeping friends around me. I lifted my head from the pillow and thought of this:
I've been rather unhappy with myself lately. I haven't admitted this until now, but it certainly is the truth. In my last visit to you, we discussed some people in my life. I allowed the words to leave my lips, convincing myself I was speaking of true feelings. I knew it was a lie.
"Even before my teeth are brushed in the morning, he rolls over and kisses me, telling me how pretty he thinks I am."
"My friends seem to like him...I hope this can go somewhere."
But I don't really want it to go anywhere. I wish I did. The family and friend "approval" is important to me, especially after dating someone that I don't think my friends could dislike more. But i've learned that it's not something that should make or break the deal. He speaks words that any girl would want to hear. The effort he puts in is something I've always desired. The little things to let me know he cares. The phone calls before bed "just to say goodnight". It's what I've asked for for a very long time. But when the feelings aren't reciprocated, the effort becomes an annoyance and the intimacy turns into more of an act of obligation than one of passion.
I know that I haven't been giving my full self lately. This is what disturbs me most. I'd much rather give a few people all of me than to give many people a small piece of me. I don't know when I started with the latter, but I know I'll be content once I make the switch back.
I hear my friends begin to wake, so I quickly close my eyes. I'm not ready to face reality just yet. As I place my head back onto the pillow, I find myself thinking of another. For a brief moment, I lay there wishing I were resting upon his shoulder and that the blanket covering me were his arms wrapped around me instead.
As much as I hate to admit it at times, my mom is usually always right about things. My friends continue to cover my bedroom floor as I rest, lost in thought, pretending to sleep. I pray with every ounce possible that this isn't her one chance to be wrong.
Until we speak again...
I woke up this morning in a sea of sleeping friends around me. I lifted my head from the pillow and thought of this:
I've been rather unhappy with myself lately. I haven't admitted this until now, but it certainly is the truth. In my last visit to you, we discussed some people in my life. I allowed the words to leave my lips, convincing myself I was speaking of true feelings. I knew it was a lie.
"Even before my teeth are brushed in the morning, he rolls over and kisses me, telling me how pretty he thinks I am."
"My friends seem to like him...I hope this can go somewhere."
But I don't really want it to go anywhere. I wish I did. The family and friend "approval" is important to me, especially after dating someone that I don't think my friends could dislike more. But i've learned that it's not something that should make or break the deal. He speaks words that any girl would want to hear. The effort he puts in is something I've always desired. The little things to let me know he cares. The phone calls before bed "just to say goodnight". It's what I've asked for for a very long time. But when the feelings aren't reciprocated, the effort becomes an annoyance and the intimacy turns into more of an act of obligation than one of passion.
I know that I haven't been giving my full self lately. This is what disturbs me most. I'd much rather give a few people all of me than to give many people a small piece of me. I don't know when I started with the latter, but I know I'll be content once I make the switch back.
I hear my friends begin to wake, so I quickly close my eyes. I'm not ready to face reality just yet. As I place my head back onto the pillow, I find myself thinking of another. For a brief moment, I lay there wishing I were resting upon his shoulder and that the blanket covering me were his arms wrapped around me instead.
As much as I hate to admit it at times, my mom is usually always right about things. My friends continue to cover my bedroom floor as I rest, lost in thought, pretending to sleep. I pray with every ounce possible that this isn't her one chance to be wrong.
Until we speak again...