Strength
I read in Whitney's journal about strength. I may not be quoting correctly but it was something along the lines of "strength is how well you can hide weakness".
I know everyone has weaknesses and that they lie in different places. So of course we all take different approaches to different situations. But it seems for me, I can't find someone else who exactly knows how to approach my situation.
It's really hard. 'Cause so much of the time when it seems every fiber of my being is hurting, I tell myself to keep it together. I gotta get through it. And then, once it's done, lets pray it stays done.
I hate how I woke up feeling this morning. My soul ached. My soul despised its vessel. I'm not sure what stirred these feelings. It's just how I woke up feeling; hating everything, with myself included.
It was just depressing. There was nothing that I wanted more than to lay in my bed and wait for tomorrow to come. The hope that I've now become accustomed to having is enveloped in the belief that if today is THIS horrible, then tomorrow can only be better. Every now and again it helps. But majority of the time, it's kinda like false hope.
I need to find some source of strength for myself. I always tell myself that I just have to keep on going; that I've got to keep it together. But the question is what am I going towards and why is it so important to keep it together?
The answer to the latter of the two is that I've been a mess most of my life. And I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to feel as though my life resides within a black pit. I've got to keep it together just because... there isn't anyone out there that I can count on to pick up the pieces for me anymore. I've got to handle this shit. I've got to watch my back. And if I'm a basketcase, a pile of broken glass on the floor, I won't be able to take care of myself.
It's just hard. How do you know when it's okay to fall apart? When do know you have to be strong? I don't know the answer. I don't think I'll ever know the answer. But I guess the only thing I can do is be true to what I'm feeling, and should I fall apart in the process, then I HAVE to pick up the pieces as soon as possible.
Lets just hope that I can do that today. If I accomplish only one task today, I hope it be putting a smile on my face and looking like sunshine while my insides are a thunderstorm. If I can't be happy, the least I can do is fake it. I really couldn't handle someone attempting to fix me today.
Until Next Time...
I know everyone has weaknesses and that they lie in different places. So of course we all take different approaches to different situations. But it seems for me, I can't find someone else who exactly knows how to approach my situation.
It's really hard. 'Cause so much of the time when it seems every fiber of my being is hurting, I tell myself to keep it together. I gotta get through it. And then, once it's done, lets pray it stays done.
I hate how I woke up feeling this morning. My soul ached. My soul despised its vessel. I'm not sure what stirred these feelings. It's just how I woke up feeling; hating everything, with myself included.
It was just depressing. There was nothing that I wanted more than to lay in my bed and wait for tomorrow to come. The hope that I've now become accustomed to having is enveloped in the belief that if today is THIS horrible, then tomorrow can only be better. Every now and again it helps. But majority of the time, it's kinda like false hope.
I need to find some source of strength for myself. I always tell myself that I just have to keep on going; that I've got to keep it together. But the question is what am I going towards and why is it so important to keep it together?
The answer to the latter of the two is that I've been a mess most of my life. And I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to feel as though my life resides within a black pit. I've got to keep it together just because... there isn't anyone out there that I can count on to pick up the pieces for me anymore. I've got to handle this shit. I've got to watch my back. And if I'm a basketcase, a pile of broken glass on the floor, I won't be able to take care of myself.
It's just hard. How do you know when it's okay to fall apart? When do know you have to be strong? I don't know the answer. I don't think I'll ever know the answer. But I guess the only thing I can do is be true to what I'm feeling, and should I fall apart in the process, then I HAVE to pick up the pieces as soon as possible.
Lets just hope that I can do that today. If I accomplish only one task today, I hope it be putting a smile on my face and looking like sunshine while my insides are a thunderstorm. If I can't be happy, the least I can do is fake it. I really couldn't handle someone attempting to fix me today.
Until Next Time...