thinking back...
So I have been feeling kinda icky today and didnt sleep well last night so I decided to be a bum today....its been kinda nice....i was looking back at my old posts...i am SO different now than I was back then...like some things are the same but my whole outlook on life is so different. It just seemed like every post i was in complete dispair and when i read them i remember that at the time i really felt HORRIBLE....and lost and i dunno....now i just feel like i look at issues that arise in my life so differently. I dont flip out....at least i try really hard not too and i usually dont....and i just am much more pro-active. I know what i want in my life and i know what i have to do and how i have to act to get there....and i AM getting there....slowly but surely....
So things w/ donnie and I have been going okay....the biggest issue that has come up lately has just been about us changing...but instead of having some catastrophic fight that ends w/ us thinking we should break up we just deal w/ it better....i talk w/ megan (dave's gf) about some of the issues and mostly donnie and I just pray about it together. I love him so much....it cracks me up when i look back at my journal and all of the guys i dated i was convinced i was "in love with"....donnie is honestly my first love....
There is a difference between the immature infatuations i had then compared to the whole hearted Godly love that Donnie and I have now...I mean thats not to say that some of those people werent meaningful to me....because they were but i just was clueless about love....
I also look at how i just was so dependent on other people and things to make me happy....the happiness i had then was so circumstantial and i realize now that that is no way to live life...we are all imperfect beings and so to depend on another imperfect being for happiness is ALWAYS going to leave you feeling unsatisfied and let down...the same for depending on a certain situation to make you happy....like i used to always think well once i graduate highschool ill be happy....or once i move out of my parents house ill be happy...and honestly if i would have continued in that line of thinking i would never TRULY be happy....becuase life is so full of ups and downs why would i want to accept that sometimes im gunna be happy and sometimes im gunna be sad depending on whats going on in my life....
I live my life joyously now....i live more for the Lord and because of that I am much happier...and thats not to say that I still dont have shitty circumstances sometimes becuase we ALL do but its how i look and react to those circumstances is what is so different. Even when things dont go my way i am confident that the Lord loves me and planned my life for me long before i was even a thought in my mothers mind....so whatever unfair situation arises i know that it is "unfair" because that is how God planned it to be....and it may seem unfair or crappy at the time but when God closes one door he opens another.... "For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the Lord, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jer. 29:11)...It just makes me whole outlook on life much more upbeat and optimistic....
i still have no job im kinda worried but i have enough money to last me for a while because of babysitting....i just would really like a job because i hate that donnie has to pay for everything i would like to help out more esp since he has more bills than me AND hes been saving up for an engagement ring for me....we are waiting to start our pre-engagement counseling at church...we are at the top of the list so we will be starting as soon as there is available counselors. Im really excited!! I cannot wait to start my life with donnie!! When i look back to the posts in here from right before i met donnie and the posts from earlier in our relationship i feel like i kinda always knew that i would marry donnie but it seemed so far away that it almost seemed like an unrealistic thing to think...but now its not
i even talked w/ my parents about me and donnie getting married earlier than we had originally planned....they were more receptive than i thought they would be...i just explained that we had always originally planned on marrying once i finished undergrad but now we want to get married sometime next summer or fall (Summer/Fall 2008) instead of 2009. Basically the whole reason we were waiting till then is because i know thats what my parents thought was best....but then we started reasoning that its not my parents getting married it is him and i and if its what we want then thats fine and its not even like we are being stupid and rushing...yes we are young but we have been together 3 years (4 and a half years by the time we get married) and we are doing the pre-engagement counseling....we are doing all the right steps....i would understand too that my parents would want me to wait till i was out of school and maybe working but i am going straight to grad school and law school so even after i get my bachelors i am just going to be starting law school that fall....ill have a summer break just like i do now...no diffrent....i wont be working ill just be doing school (obviously considering i will be in law school and grad school at the same time which will take up all my time)....i dunno i am so excited i have been looking at wedding stuff online and just thinking about it a lot more...
i am just SO happy where my life is right now....i started to get really depressed (which hadnt happened in a while) a few weeks ago but i prayed alot and snapped out of it....i am just so optimistic that i really can have the life i always wanted...i no longer have to define myself by my problems or issues....i am just who i am...and i am for once happy w/ that...
So things w/ donnie and I have been going okay....the biggest issue that has come up lately has just been about us changing...but instead of having some catastrophic fight that ends w/ us thinking we should break up we just deal w/ it better....i talk w/ megan (dave's gf) about some of the issues and mostly donnie and I just pray about it together. I love him so much....it cracks me up when i look back at my journal and all of the guys i dated i was convinced i was "in love with"....donnie is honestly my first love....
There is a difference between the immature infatuations i had then compared to the whole hearted Godly love that Donnie and I have now...I mean thats not to say that some of those people werent meaningful to me....because they were but i just was clueless about love....
I also look at how i just was so dependent on other people and things to make me happy....the happiness i had then was so circumstantial and i realize now that that is no way to live life...we are all imperfect beings and so to depend on another imperfect being for happiness is ALWAYS going to leave you feeling unsatisfied and let down...the same for depending on a certain situation to make you happy....like i used to always think well once i graduate highschool ill be happy....or once i move out of my parents house ill be happy...and honestly if i would have continued in that line of thinking i would never TRULY be happy....becuase life is so full of ups and downs why would i want to accept that sometimes im gunna be happy and sometimes im gunna be sad depending on whats going on in my life....
I live my life joyously now....i live more for the Lord and because of that I am much happier...and thats not to say that I still dont have shitty circumstances sometimes becuase we ALL do but its how i look and react to those circumstances is what is so different. Even when things dont go my way i am confident that the Lord loves me and planned my life for me long before i was even a thought in my mothers mind....so whatever unfair situation arises i know that it is "unfair" because that is how God planned it to be....and it may seem unfair or crappy at the time but when God closes one door he opens another.... "For I know the plans I have for you, 'declares the Lord, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jer. 29:11)...It just makes me whole outlook on life much more upbeat and optimistic....
i still have no job im kinda worried but i have enough money to last me for a while because of babysitting....i just would really like a job because i hate that donnie has to pay for everything i would like to help out more esp since he has more bills than me AND hes been saving up for an engagement ring for me....we are waiting to start our pre-engagement counseling at church...we are at the top of the list so we will be starting as soon as there is available counselors. Im really excited!! I cannot wait to start my life with donnie!! When i look back to the posts in here from right before i met donnie and the posts from earlier in our relationship i feel like i kinda always knew that i would marry donnie but it seemed so far away that it almost seemed like an unrealistic thing to think...but now its not
i even talked w/ my parents about me and donnie getting married earlier than we had originally planned....they were more receptive than i thought they would be...i just explained that we had always originally planned on marrying once i finished undergrad but now we want to get married sometime next summer or fall (Summer/Fall 2008) instead of 2009. Basically the whole reason we were waiting till then is because i know thats what my parents thought was best....but then we started reasoning that its not my parents getting married it is him and i and if its what we want then thats fine and its not even like we are being stupid and rushing...yes we are young but we have been together 3 years (4 and a half years by the time we get married) and we are doing the pre-engagement counseling....we are doing all the right steps....i would understand too that my parents would want me to wait till i was out of school and maybe working but i am going straight to grad school and law school so even after i get my bachelors i am just going to be starting law school that fall....ill have a summer break just like i do now...no diffrent....i wont be working ill just be doing school (obviously considering i will be in law school and grad school at the same time which will take up all my time)....i dunno i am so excited i have been looking at wedding stuff online and just thinking about it a lot more...
i am just SO happy where my life is right now....i started to get really depressed (which hadnt happened in a while) a few weeks ago but i prayed alot and snapped out of it....i am just so optimistic that i really can have the life i always wanted...i no longer have to define myself by my problems or issues....i am just who i am...and i am for once happy w/ that...