(no subject)
Ok, now that the people who don't want to hear my problems with christianity aren't looking because of my warning......or those who are ignoring the warning :-P
Now I don't want to get into something huge, long and drawn out about why I don't believe in God, but I am a proponent in "You shouldn't bitch about something unless you know about it or participated in it somehow" I will say now that I was a Christian for the first 17 years of my life, I was a firm believer in god but I didn't go to church because I didn't believe that you needed to participate in a church to have a close relationship to whatever god you believe in.
My major problem with churches are the fact that they like to make us think that we have to be there, that we have to show up and participate in group prayers and everything else that happens in church to be close to god, but honestly I think that when it comes to a religion or being religious and having a relationship with whatever god to which you pray, I think that relationship can be there without having to go to church, but that if you believe in your god and you pray and honestly accept them into your heart and home and honor all the commandments and act like you know you should do and act in accordance with how your god would want you to act then you won't have to worry about attending church at 9 in the morning every sunday ( or saturday for those seventh day adventists among ya'll )
But like I said, I was a christian for 17 years of my 20 year life, the events that lead up to my falling out with god is a long and drawn out story, hense the reason for the LJ Cut ( your welcome soldiergrrrl :-P )
The story starts out with my girlfriend of almost 5 years Jessica ( and yes for those of you counting, at the end of this story you will realize that means we had been together since I was 12 ) on our 4th year anniversary I took her out on the portland spirit for a dinner cruise, and I proposed to her on that cruise, we had set the date for our getting married for one year from that date after I would have turned 18.
Well, two months away from our 5th year anniversary and ultimatly our wedding, the car she was travelling in went off the road for an unexplained reason, there was no paint from another car hitting it, there was no glass on the road back from where it went off the road from another car, and it was dry out and the road was a straight shot, she was driving and she didn't fall asleep in the car ( it was my car, I had small pinhole cameras set up because I was a drag racer and my buddies helped me wire them up so we could record our races to help ourselfs perform better )
Anyway, she was in the hospital for three days, I was in the hospital with her those three days, each and every day I was there I was praying for god to help her through it and to keep her here because I didn't think I could go on living without her, I was on my knees for three days and three nights straight and on the third night, she woke up screaming, I hit the button to call the nurses and held her head in my arms while they tried to revive her only letting go when they hit her with the shock pads but I would instantly pick her head back up, crying the entire time.
She didn't make it, and I was heartbroken, I spent the next six months in a suicidal haze, drinking and trying to kill myself at one point sitting in my adoptive uncles livingroom with a .357 magnum to my temple crying my eyes out, luckily my uncle pulled the gun out of my hand, dropping the bullets and the drum out of it and handing me back the barrel and frame.
From that day on, I haven't gotten a straight answer out of anyone, not my pastor, no one as to why a devout christian, lived the christian lifestyle for almost 18 years, was baptized and prayed and went to churse every sunday, I wasn't a weekend christian, I volunteered with the church, I fed the homeless with the church at least once a month and I lived right for 18 years of my life, but when I needed help the most then he wasn't there for me.
It was that incident that caused me to lose my faith, I have a friend who wants me to give god a second chance but I can't for some reason, and now I have a problem..... The girl I have a massive interest in and was the problem in my last long ass post is pretty much the spitting image of my jessica, same personality, same everything except for the fact that her face is different but has the same blonde hair and beautiful, endless pools called eyes.
So now I have this strange feeling that God is trying to test me or maybe try to bring me back to him through her, but I can't figure it all out........ *sigh* oh well, I think I am gonna follow soldiergrrrl's advice and just go to basic and AIT and get through it all before I make any decisions except for one small change but thats a different story all together.
Anyway, sorry for the second long ass post in two days but I just needed to vent and now I am glad I have a place I can go and put down how I am feeling and have people I haven't met before give me the outside perspective ( always nice to have the perspective that can give good advice, you know who you are :-D )
Take it easy and I will catch ya all on the flipside
-R