It has begun
I shall begin by stating I do not normally do well with writing journals. I tend to let them go quickly and say things i do not want others to read.... but i will let that go because i doubt many will read this. I will begin with last night. Last night was the "White trash party". I did not want to go. But Lindsay called me and told me to go (this has a mysterious power all its own that few know of.... or many and i thought few know.... very few understand) it was not a lot of fun... It took me about 15 minutes to be annoyed. I hate parties like that. Its too many people running around and when you are not drunk as the rest its no fun. You try to talk to someone but people you do not know are giving you angry eyes. This is a stronger factor because (i don't care if you notice or not) I care extremely if people like me or not. Everything people say hits me. I mean if it is too much. Everything involving Rocky is too much. I hate to become that annoying guy who talks about rocky all the time BUT PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME!!! and once i give the information i want to give all the information about their question. In fact, i have notices many many others talking about it more. Its cuz i actually have the passion attatched to it...... i think. I hate it. i want to stop. But i REALLY wanna be in it. From the first day of the Floor Show cast i have been going with that goal in mind. To be Brad Majors in the show. I hope it can come true. But if it will drive people nuts, i dont have to. I care that much. And on caring too much. I FREAKING HATE when i start caring too much for a person that doesn't seem to think i exist until suddenly i am not there. AND WHEN I AM THERE I DON'T EXIST!!!!! i just want to be close to someone again. Someone i can care for and hold at night as a friend. Nothing more. And, unfortunately i cannot have that. I want a friend's arms to fall into, not to be someones arms to fall into. I am tired of that. I want to have that person i can go to for help.... It feels like the one i had to run to for help is gone. I cannot see him that often and now i have someone i love to talk to and it makes me feel better, but she rarely wants to just talk to me. I always find her at a party setting, or near her friends, then its as though i am not there. I dont' want anything more than a friendship where i can be held, and supported, and not shot down and left in the dust for amusement. I am tired of being who i am. I wanna be someone else now. I am too tired... and i don't really wanna go on with it.