A Primer/Cheat-sheet for Chris's First Hockey Game!
A Primer/Cheat-sheet for Chris's First Hockey Game!
So my roommate/BFF is going to be attending his first ever hockey game when the Blackhawks come to town! Yeah, they're playig the Senators, but Blackhawks!
I bought tickets a while ago, and he wanted to go, so YAY! And really, assuming the Hawks have turned things around by then, it should be a pretty awesome game!
I've been slowly teaching him about hockey this year, but he asked me to maybe write some of this stuff down? So since i'm a fan of multimedia, I decided to put together a primer/cheat sheet of sorts to help him out.
Since most of you guys are big hockey fans as well, I'm hoping that you can help me out a bit with things I've forgotten about, or should maybe expand on a bit?
Plus general squeeing about taking someone's hockey-virginity is greatly encouraged. :P
ETA: SCORING!
Hokay, so.
Hockey.
It's basically the greatest game ever, and everyone should watch it. In the NHL there are 30 teams, divided into two conferences with three divisions each. Every team plays 82 games, and at the end of the season, the top 8 teams in each conference advance to the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
I guess it would probably be useful to understand at least a little bit about some of the *rules* of hockey. (I KNOW, RIGHT? WHO CARES?)
Some uber basics: Each team is allowed to dress 18 skaters and 2 goalies. GENERALLY this means there are 12 forwards and 6 defensemen, but sometimes coaches mix it up a little, and dress 7, or sometimes even 8 defensemen, and play them as forwards. IDEK, OKAY?
Each team is allowed MAX 6 bodies on the ice at any given time. More on this later.
The rink is divided into three zones by the two blue lines:
They're pretty self explanatory, I hope.
There are some zone based things that you aren't allowed to do in hockey. Here, with the help of my mad MS Paint skills, are a couple of them!
Offside!
Pretend the squiggly black line is actually a nice, neat pass. See how the one player who is receiving the pass is inside the blue line, while the player making the pass is outside of it? That's not alowed, and it makes you offside.The puck must enter the attacking zone before the attacking team. Offsides generally result in neutral zone faceoffs.
Icing! (and not the delicious kind)
Icing is basically when a player plays the puck towards the attacking zone and it crosses at two red lines (the opponent's goal line being the second) without the puck being touched by another player. HOWEVER, if a player from the attacking team can reach the puck behind the goal line before a defending player, icing is waived off. It is also waived if the goalie plays the puck. Icing results in a faceoff back in the defensive zone. Also, the team that commits icing is not allowed to change their skaters.
Also, if the puck bounces off the glass and leaves the ice-area, play is stopped and there is a faceoff somewhere.
Those are the most common reasons for stoppages in play. But then we get to the fun stuff!
PENALTIES!
So here's how these things work.
Basically if a player does something illegal, they get a penalty. This means they have to go sit in a glass case of emotion AKA the penalty box for a period of time. Penalties can be either major or minor, with a minor one lasting 2 minutes, and a major lasting 5. If someone does something to REALLY piss of the refs, they can get at 10 minute major. OR, if they do something COMPLETELY DICKISH, they can be given a game misconduct, which means they get ejected from the game.
In most cases, when a player is in the penalty box, their team is not allowed to replace him. The other team is now on the POWERPLAY. Or the MAN ADVANTAGE. Or ABOUT TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS. Basically, they will play 5-on-4 hockey for the duration of the penalty, or until the team on the powerplay scores. There are some semantics to this, but they don't come up very often.
Sometimes, and these are the fun times, a team will get two penalties at once. Then we get some fun 5-on-3 hockey. This basically guarantees that the team with 5 skaters will score.*
*For some reason, last season the Canucks were incapable of scoring when they had a two-man advantage. Up until game 4 of the Western Conference Finals against San Jose, that is. Then they scored on three consecutive ones:
Click to viewIt was GREAT.
This should be the only explanation of penalties you'll ever need.
But if you need a little bit more...
Here, with video examples, are some common penalties! (Now with fun commentary by me!)
Slashing - unfortunately this one doesn't mean two players suddenly deciding to make out in the middle of the ice. Rather, it's when one player basically hacks at the stick or body of another player in a slashing motion.
In this one, the guy in white (Langenbrunner) hacks at the stick of the guy in red, so he got 2 minutes for slashing. (is everything making a lot more sense now?)
Holding - this is basically the penalty you get if you just want to hug it out with someone, but you don't time it very well.
Here, the guy in white (Bertuzzi) tries to hug the guy in teal, instead of playing hockey. Hugging is only allowed after scoring a goal, or winning a game. The NHL takes this very seriously.
High-Sticking - hitting a player in the head or neck with your stick. Doesn't matter if you meant it or not. And if there's blood, you've automatically earned yourself a "double-minor" or two back-to-back two-minute penalties. Here's a beauty:
Yeah, he probably had to go to the dentist after that one...
Cross-checking - This one's when you hit the other player with your stick when it's held in both hands. A great example is this one by notorious jerkface Dan Carcillo (he is not the one getting smacked in the face):
I'm told that this can hurt like a sonofabitch, especially if it's to the face. Ow!
And then there is the delay of game penalty*, which is stupid. And the too many men penalty**, which is even stupider.
* If you shoot the puck directly over the glass without it bouncing off of anything first, you get an automatic two-minute penalty.
** If a team accidentally has 6 skaters + a goalie*** on the ice and one of them plays the puck, this is a penalty.
***The only time a team is allowed 6 skaters is if they pull their goalie to give themselves a man-advantage. This often happens in the dying seconds of a 1-goal game. But it can backfire bigtime, because if the opposing team gets control of the puck, they've got a wide open net to shoot at. Unless the other team has a Kevin Bieksa:
The only other time this happens is when a team has a delayed penalty coming up. Delayed penalties occur when the wronged team is still on the attack, and stopping play might cost them a goal. The whistle is only blown when a defending player touches the puck, so it's safe 99% of the time to pull the goalie for the extra attacker.
Fighting is, while not openly encouraged, totally okay in the NHL. Yeah, both players get a major penalty (this is where Five for Fighting comes from, btw), but it's pretty inconsequential, since both players serve penalties and there is no man-advantage. That is, as long as both players agree to the fight. If one player jumps another, then they'll have to serve an additional two minutes for instigation. Basically, agree to fights like proper gentlemen, and everything will be great.
Oh right! And then there's also the whole point of the game, which is to score more goals then the other guy. A lot of the time they're pretty much just throwing the puck towards the net, but once in a while, you get some pretty beautiful goals. Because you can never get enough pretty goals, have some!
Some goals are the result of some sweet, sweet dangles (that's stickhandling), like these ones:
Watch number 71 in blue:
Malkin pulls out some *dirty* dangles right there, and completely undresses the Colorado defensemen.
Later in the same game:
Matt Duchene of the Avalanche pulls off what might just be the goal of the year. Woof.
Others are the result of some crazy-good passes:
Watch the replay of this next goal and marvel at how crazy the pass is:
That is some Wizardous Sedinery right there.
Have some more:
The Sedins pass like no others. Those long stretch passes are crazy slow, but perfectly timed and placed, and the get the goal out of it.
Some goals are scored on the breakaway:
Watch number 9 in blue just fire this one in
(I'm sorry that these are all Canucks goals. Oh wait, no I'm not.)
The crazy thing about this next one is that it's essentially like a shootout goal. (What is a shootout you might ask? well, i'm getting there)
Kopitar just knows exactly what to do with that puck the moment he's out of the penalty box. This was some great timing by Kings.
Still more goals are just due to ridiculously powerful slapshots.
(I know this isn't from an NHL game, but this guy is definitely an NHLer. And this is ridiculous.
Shea Weber has a slapshot that has been clocked at 106 mph. The only guy with a harder shot in the NHL is Zdeno Chara, who has clocked in 108 mph. RIDICULOUS.
Other goals are the result of sheer determination and hard work.
like this goal by Jonathan Toews:
He simply refused to quit, and he created this goal all on his own.
oh, and then there are some guys who just go into beastmode occasionally:
Ryan Kesler was insane in last year's second round series against Nashville. That was an example.
And then there are the shootout goals. When a regular season game ends in a tie after the regulation time has expired, there is 5 minutes of 4-on-4 overtime. If the game is still tied, it goes to a shootout. Basically, as long as you keep some kind of forward momentum, you can do whatever to get the puck into the net. This has led to some spectacular goals.
Like this one:
That is some of the filthiest dangling i've ever seen. Absolutely filthy.
Or this one:
Pavel Datsyuk is, dare I say it, the owner of the greatest hockey mind on the planet. The things he comes up with! They've never been done before. And they make goalies look ridiculously silly.
Really, the Red Wings basically win all the shootout awards:
Like, what?
Oh, and just because this is awesome:
Yeah. That's just a beauty.
Alright, so now that you have a cursory understanding of what this whole "hockey" thing is about, it's time to meet the teams that will be playing!
I'm gonna start with the Senators, just because I want to get them out of the way so I can focus on the awesomer Hawks.
Team: Ottawa Senators
Nicknames: Sens, Senasnores, Ottawa Who?
Founded: 1992
Things you'll hear their fans say: "Yeah, this year, man, we're *totally* going to make the playoffs. We've got [young player x]! They're going to score a million goals and take us all the way! A Cup for Alfie!"
Things you'll hear everyone else say: "Yeah, the Sens are irrelevant."
So this used to be the Sens' logo:
But it looked too much like the Trojan Condoms logo, so they changed it to this:
(Apparently this is much better? I guess)
The Senators used to be a team back when professional hockey just started to be a thing, and many delusional Sens fans will tell you that THEY WON THE FIRST EVER STANLEY CUP.
But see how I said they were delusional? That's because THAT FRANCHISE FOLDED. THE CURRENT SENS ARE NOT THE ORIGINAL SENS. (Just like the current Jets are not the original Jets. Even though they suck just as hard.)
This incarnation of the Senators was founded in 1992, part of a league expansion that also brought in the Tampa Bay Lightning. But this isn't really important. Except that it's the 20th anniversary season right now, and that means they've brought out a new third jersey.*
*Third jerseys are like a ballin' suit. You only wear them on special occasions, and sometimes they make you look silly. Almost every team has a third, and a lot of the time it gives them a chance to experiment with different styles before they make something their actual jersey. Or it'll be a heritage throw back. Which can be pretty damn cool. Or silly.
Some examples of Third Jerseys from around the NHL:
The New York Islanders currently wear these HIDEOUS abominations as their thirds:
These are the LA Kings' throwback jerseys (like a third, but worn a lot less):
The Pittsburgh Penguins used to wear these silly thirds:
but I think they finally figured out that it's really hard to look like you mean business when you're wearing baby-blue. Just saying.
Oh! and I CANNOT POSSIBLY LEAVE OUT THESE GLORIOUS HERITAGE THROWBACKS!!!
THESE WERE QUITE POSSIBLY THE MOST HILARIOUS THINGS EVER.
Oh Montreal. Never change.
Okay so the reason for this rather lengthy digression is that the Sens will not, in fact, be wearing their usual red home jerseys on March 2nd. They will be wearing their heritage thirds. Which look like this:
I actually like them a lot better than their home jerseys, and they look pretty sharp. Plus the giant "O" just makes a great target!
So with that in mind, here are some Sens that you should probably be aware of.
Daniel Alfredsson, Captain
Number: 11
Position: Right Wing
Why He's Important: He's been with the team since 1995, and has been captain since the 1999-00 season. He's also got the 4th highest point total of any active player.
Expect to hear: "Man, Alfie's sure having a great year. I sure hope he's going to come back next year!"
Don't expect to hear: Boos whenever he touches the puck. There is legitimately a Church of Alfie in Ottawa.
Jason Spezza, Alternate Captain
Number: 19
Position: Center
Why he's important: At the time of writing, he's the point-leader for the Sens, and he's one of the best faceoff guys in the league, and has taken more faceoffs than anyone else.. Look for him and Toews to be battling it out in the circle.
Expect to hear: "Spezza sure is good at faceoffs!"
Don't expect to hear: "Spezza sure is good at fighting!"
this is him actually playing hockey
this is him being gorgeous
and this is gratuitous arm-porn
Erik Karlsson
Number: 65
Position: Defense
Why he's important: Karlsson is one of the best young defensemen in the league. He's playing in only his third NHL season, and he's leading all of the NHL's defensemen in scoring. Look for him to be on the ice a whole lot. He's got the 10th highest average ice time per game of all players. Plus he's like basically the only attractive player on the Sens, so...
Expect to hear: "Hey, Karlsson's on the ice again!" and "Look at his sick flow!"
Don't expect to hear: "That Karlsson guy sure doesn't shoot the puck enough!"
Other than that, there's not a whole lot else you need to know about the Sens. They have a couple players (Chris Neil, #25, and Zenon Konopka #28) who are big jerks to play against, who fight a lot, and who rack up some serious penalty minutes. Konopka has a league-leading 168 penalty minutes at time of writing, and he's only played 49 games. That's 3.43 penalty minutes a game!
They've also got Chris Phillips, who is a former 1st overall draft pick. He's pretty underwhelming as far as 1st-overall guys go, but he just played his 1000th game, so that's impressive? You will see two 1st overall guys at this game; the other one is Patrick Kane. More on him later.
Also, Ottawa's goaltending is pretty terrible. So, there's that.
Okay, on to the fun part!
Team: Chicago Blackhawks
Nicknames: Hawks
Founded: 1926
Things you'll hear their fans say: "We've got a great young core, and some of the best players in the game. Coach Quenneville's line juggling keeps everyone on their toes! We're going to win another cup this year! And we've finally figured out the goalie situation!"
Things you'll hear everyone else say: "Those guys are jerks. And their goaltending sucks.
The Chicago Blackhawks' logo looks like this:
It is historic and is basically unchanged in the whole load of years they've been in the NHL.
Their road uniforms look like this:
Simple. Classic. Elegant. No stupid piping like some of those other guys.
Your five-second history lesson on the Hawks is this:
They joined the NHL in 1926, were an Original Six team (kind of a big deal), and have won 4 Stanley Cups, most recently in 2010:
Of course, the team the won the Stanley Cup was quite possibly the most stacked team in modern NHL history, and had to be dealt away during the ensuing offseason because of salary cap issues.
Just to give you an idea of just how stacked this team was, this was their forward lines for one of their Playoff games in 2010:
Only 5 of those guys are still with the team.
And two the third-line guys are now tearing it up on their respective teams. Andrew Ladd, for example, led the (now defunct) Atlanta Thrashers in scoring last year, and is now captain of the Winnipeg Jets. Kris Versteeg is leading the Florida Panthers in scoring. Both are first line players. It's kind of ridiculous.
But yeah, that's not all that important right now. What is important, is the guys who are playing for the Hawks right now (or at least some of them).
Duncan Keith, Alternate Captain
Nicknames: Duncs, Jigsaw, Ernie
Number: 2
Position: Defense
Why he's important: Well, to start, he's won a Norris Trophy (which goes to the best defenseman in the NHL each year). Also he's one half of perhaps the most bro-mantic defense pairing to ever play the game. No seriously. Even their team ships them:
Expect to hear: "Keith's on the ice again?! Must be because of his superhuman lung capacity!"
Don't expect to hear:"Man, Coach Quenneville needs to give Duncs more ice time. I haven't seen him yet this period!"
Niklas Hjalmarsson
Nicknames: Nik, Hammer, Jelly, The Swedish Chef
Number: 4
Position: Defense
Why he's important: He's basically the only other defenseman (apart from Keith and Seabrook), so he's kind of relied on to not screw up. Which he sometimes still does.
Expect to hear: "That was a bad giveaway by Yalmersun"
Don't expect to hear: "That was a Norris calibre move by Hjalmarsson just there!"
typical action shot of Brent Seabrook
Brent Seabrook
Nicknames: Seabs, Biscuit, Bert
Number: 7
Position: Defense
Why he's important: He's Chicago's other big-minute defenseman. He knows how to throw some serious hits, and he's also taken a few. I think he's playing with a little more caution this season, but he's still not wearing a visor so...
Expect to hear: "What a massive hit by Seabrook!"
Don't expect to hear: "What a massively beautiful dangle by Seabrook. He's sure got some silky mitts!"
Patrick Sharp, Alternate Captain
Nicknames: Sharpie, the Sharp Shooter, 1/50 Most Beautiful Chicagoans
Number: 10
Position: Forward (he plays all three positions at different times. Hard to say what he'll be playing on the 2nd)
Why he's important: Not only is he basically the most classically handsome guy on the team, he's also routinely the leading goal-scorer. Coach Q inexplicably uses him on the point of one of his powerplay units. Despite having better slap shot options. Also he plays a lot of pranks. And has an epic long-distance bromance with Adam Burish of the Dallas Stars.
Expect to hear: "Why is Sharp manning the point on this powerplay unit?"
Don't expect to hear: "That Patrick Sharp should be wearing a full face-mask. His face frightens small children."
I am reasonably confident that he is trying to pull off a Trudeau pirouette. If so, bravo, sir.
Jonathan Toews, Captain
Nicknames: Jon, Jonny, Tazer, Toes, Toe-ez, Captain Serious
Number: 19
Position: Center
Why he's important: Well, he's only 23, is the youngest ever member of the Triple Gold Club (Olympic Gold, World Championship Gold, and a Stanley Cup). Plus he's crazy talented, and can completely reverse the course of a game by sheer force of will.
Expect to hear: "Wow, Toews really just put the whole team on his back and pulled out that win!"
Don't expect to hear: "I wish Toews would play with more intensity. He's just not taking this seriously enough."
yeah... If i use a picture of him in his gear, you can't see his face. Also he looks ballin.
Ray Emery
Nicknames: Razor, The Room Killer
Number: 30
Position: Goalie
Why he's important: Well, if my goalie-senses are correct, which, given the unpredictability of Q's lineups, is unlikely, Emery will get the start in Ottawa. He was the goalie who backstopped the Sens to the Stanley Cup finals, before being driven out of town due to a combination of locker-room conflict, drugs, and attitude.
Expect to hear: "Man, remember that time that Emery fought [insert goalie x]?"
Don't expect to hear: "Man,remember that time that Emery did coke with [insert Sens player y]?"
Corey Crawford
Nicknames: Crow, Craw, Craw-daddy
Number: 50
Position: Goalie
Why he's important: Well, he stood up big time for the Hawks last year, and was one of the big reasons they were almost able to complete a comeback against the Canucks in their first round series. He's cute too?
Expect to hear: "Crawford really could be an excellent goalie one day!"
Don't expect to hear: "Crawford really could be an excellent CBC commentator one day!"
Marian Hossa
Nicknames: Hoss, Horse, Maid Marian
Number: 81
Position: Right Wing
Why he's important: Um, he's really good? Also at the time of writing he's the Hawks leading scorer, so that's kind of a big deal? Also he seems like a really nice guy! Oh, and it took him three different trips to the Stanley Cup Finals with three different teams to actually win it.
Expect to hear: "I wonder if Hossa is going to score 30 goals this season?"
Don't expect to hear: "I wonder if Hossa is going to score some hot babes after this game?"
that mouthguard hanging out of his mouth there? That's his trademark. He goes through at least twice as many as a regular NHL player in a season.
Patrick Kane
Nicknames: Pat, Kaner, Peek-a-boo, the Doctor
Number: 88
Position: Right Wing
Why he's important: He was the 1st overall draft pick in 2007, so that's KIND OF A BIG DEAL. Also, I think this is the best possible reason:
That is all.
Expect to hear: "That might just have been the dirtiest dangle I have ever seen from Patrick Kane. Also his playoff mullet was pretty gross."
Don't expect to hear: "I hope my boyfriend cuts his hair like Kane this postseason!"
How'd I do?
YAY? or NAY?