The wool I've gathered all these days
So I have listened to Toad the Wet Sprocket's "Coil" a fair bit this past year. And the year before, for that matter. I identify pretty deeply with "Dam Would Break." And I hear "Throw it All Away" and I wish I could embrace it.
I have to now. It's the only way I can flourish.
"With the time I waste on the life I never had, I could have turned myself into a better man"
2009 was rough. I won't go into details here, but some of you know some of them.
A lot of what made it such a difficult year was my inability or unwillingness to let go of things, to declutter my life both physically and mentally/emotionally. I spend most of my life in my head, in a world of what-ifs and might-have-beens. I script conversations that haven't happened yet. I replay the ones that did, trying to extract every scrap of meaning, every piece of information that I can.
On one level, I'm pretty happy with myself. On another, I've essentially become an emotional cripple because I have so much trouble living in the present. I let fear and self-doubt keep me from recognizing and appreciating my accomplishments. I look to others for validation, and even knowing what a setup for disappointment that is, I can't seem to stop.
"'cause there ain't nothing you can buy, there ain't nothing you can save to fill the hole inside your heart -- so throw it all away"
I am entirely too good at holding patterns.
It's time I learned to live in the moment. To let things go. I can't hold on to everything. Doing that, with both the tangible and the intangible, was comfortable for a while ... but now my head is full and my heart is full and my house is full and my life is full.
I basically need to become a Buddhist, but I'd be a pretty awful one, so I'm just going to shoot for cleaning house and focusing on the immediate as much as possible. I know that's what I need to do to free myself from myself. Now, if anyone knows how to do it ...
"Take the dreams that should have died, the ones that kept you lying awake when you should have been all right, and throw them all away."
I have to now. It's the only way I can flourish.
"With the time I waste on the life I never had, I could have turned myself into a better man"
2009 was rough. I won't go into details here, but some of you know some of them.
A lot of what made it such a difficult year was my inability or unwillingness to let go of things, to declutter my life both physically and mentally/emotionally. I spend most of my life in my head, in a world of what-ifs and might-have-beens. I script conversations that haven't happened yet. I replay the ones that did, trying to extract every scrap of meaning, every piece of information that I can.
On one level, I'm pretty happy with myself. On another, I've essentially become an emotional cripple because I have so much trouble living in the present. I let fear and self-doubt keep me from recognizing and appreciating my accomplishments. I look to others for validation, and even knowing what a setup for disappointment that is, I can't seem to stop.
"'cause there ain't nothing you can buy, there ain't nothing you can save to fill the hole inside your heart -- so throw it all away"
I am entirely too good at holding patterns.
It's time I learned to live in the moment. To let things go. I can't hold on to everything. Doing that, with both the tangible and the intangible, was comfortable for a while ... but now my head is full and my heart is full and my house is full and my life is full.
I basically need to become a Buddhist, but I'd be a pretty awful one, so I'm just going to shoot for cleaning house and focusing on the immediate as much as possible. I know that's what I need to do to free myself from myself. Now, if anyone knows how to do it ...
"Take the dreams that should have died, the ones that kept you lying awake when you should have been all right, and throw them all away."