where are you going?
The more I am here, the more I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere familiar, somewhere comfortable, somewhere new. Somewhere interesting, where learning doesn't mean spending thousands of dollars to be another generic number, fighting to get something more out of it, only to realize it isn't what you really wanted. What's the point? Everyday I tell myself that I'd learn more by traveling, seeing other cultures, meeting fascinating people that really are just trying to get by in their life. There's studying abroad, but it only takes you so far. You're still paying a rediculous amount of money and are restricted by rules and classes. The social aspect is much more accommodating though. I just think of the Gold Coast and how amazing it is there, and how all of Jessy's friends I met were so nice and all around good people, from all over.
Uni is really getting to me. I am having trouble just getting up and going to class. My dad asked me how my classes were going on the phone the other day, I said they were okay, and that I was already having some midterms. I felt guilty already, because I thought he'd be so disappointed in me if he knew how much I was slacking, and giving up already. I don't know why. It was the same in my last two years of high school. It was a struggle to force myself to sit down and focus on an assignment. There are so many times where I have such good intentions to do work, because I have a lot to do, or I'm behind, and I don't want to stay up all night, and I get swept away by someone else's persuasion and distraction. I don't know why I give into the schedules of other people's lives, because none of them coincide with my schedule, on many different scales. And it's no one's fault but mine, but it's hard not to give in so you don't miss out on the laughs. Everyone on our floor is great, but it's become all I feel like I'm here for, and it's so wrong. Then I get angry at myself and how I just go with what other people do, or want to do. It turns into irritations towards other poeple, but I just keep them in. It's not fair to do that to them.
I love the people here, but I'm not myself. It's not the same as at home. I don't do the same things. I hate living in a dorm. I hate not having a kitchen. I found out the other night that there are summer staff that live in this dorm and receive free food and accommodation just for being a desk assistant for conventions and old people. It would make it easier to take a summer class or two, if I could fit it all in with my work schedule, but then I think , do I really want to go through 3 or 4 more months of this style of living? The word free can be so powerful. Especially with my financial situation. Free bed, free food, free gym.
I've been thinking about what I should do about my car situation. I hate using Chloe's car, because I hate relying so much on someone else. I fill up her tank whenever it needs it, but its draining my bank account. Of course I'd be doing the same with my own car, but it'd only be used to go to and from work. And then I thought about just buying a semester trolly pass to get to work, and suck up the extra time and safety factor about riding the trolly (especially alone at night), but I'd probably still use Chloe's car for other trips (ie Ralphs/Walmart, DMV), so I'd still be filling up the tank, on top of buying the trolly pass. Either way, I'm spending a lot of money. I guess with a car of my own there are added costs, parking, insurance, title, registration, etc. I feel like I'm trapped, not being able to do exactly what I want. Kind of like when I felt stuck between independence and living at home the last few years. Except now I'm trapped by financial problems and confusion about where I really want to go in my life.
I guess no matter what I do, school, travel, work, I'll always need money. Which means I need to keep a job, which right now means I'm working at Outback, and unless I transfer somewhere else (which could only be home right now) I'm staying in San Diego. I can't wait til this semester is over. As sad as it is that I will be one of the only people here in UT, it will be refreshing to have some space and time to think about everything. Now I just have to stick it out for a few months.
Uni is really getting to me. I am having trouble just getting up and going to class. My dad asked me how my classes were going on the phone the other day, I said they were okay, and that I was already having some midterms. I felt guilty already, because I thought he'd be so disappointed in me if he knew how much I was slacking, and giving up already. I don't know why. It was the same in my last two years of high school. It was a struggle to force myself to sit down and focus on an assignment. There are so many times where I have such good intentions to do work, because I have a lot to do, or I'm behind, and I don't want to stay up all night, and I get swept away by someone else's persuasion and distraction. I don't know why I give into the schedules of other people's lives, because none of them coincide with my schedule, on many different scales. And it's no one's fault but mine, but it's hard not to give in so you don't miss out on the laughs. Everyone on our floor is great, but it's become all I feel like I'm here for, and it's so wrong. Then I get angry at myself and how I just go with what other people do, or want to do. It turns into irritations towards other poeple, but I just keep them in. It's not fair to do that to them.
I love the people here, but I'm not myself. It's not the same as at home. I don't do the same things. I hate living in a dorm. I hate not having a kitchen. I found out the other night that there are summer staff that live in this dorm and receive free food and accommodation just for being a desk assistant for conventions and old people. It would make it easier to take a summer class or two, if I could fit it all in with my work schedule, but then I think , do I really want to go through 3 or 4 more months of this style of living? The word free can be so powerful. Especially with my financial situation. Free bed, free food, free gym.
I've been thinking about what I should do about my car situation. I hate using Chloe's car, because I hate relying so much on someone else. I fill up her tank whenever it needs it, but its draining my bank account. Of course I'd be doing the same with my own car, but it'd only be used to go to and from work. And then I thought about just buying a semester trolly pass to get to work, and suck up the extra time and safety factor about riding the trolly (especially alone at night), but I'd probably still use Chloe's car for other trips (ie Ralphs/Walmart, DMV), so I'd still be filling up the tank, on top of buying the trolly pass. Either way, I'm spending a lot of money. I guess with a car of my own there are added costs, parking, insurance, title, registration, etc. I feel like I'm trapped, not being able to do exactly what I want. Kind of like when I felt stuck between independence and living at home the last few years. Except now I'm trapped by financial problems and confusion about where I really want to go in my life.
I guess no matter what I do, school, travel, work, I'll always need money. Which means I need to keep a job, which right now means I'm working at Outback, and unless I transfer somewhere else (which could only be home right now) I'm staying in San Diego. I can't wait til this semester is over. As sad as it is that I will be one of the only people here in UT, it will be refreshing to have some space and time to think about everything. Now I just have to stick it out for a few months.