the pretty music's discord
I feel really scattered tonight, like I'm having trouble cramming all of my thoughts and ambitions and nerves into five feet of person. Maybe this is why I keep drinking so much water: I'm actively trying to pee away some of my worries. I've heard of worse tactics.
I think that I worry too much about the future. Maybe I worry too much in general. Am I worrying that I worry too much? This thought-pattern is vicious. I worry, for instance, that I'm annoying you. You, vaguely-imagined livejournal reader, are probably not even reading this far if you are, in fact, annoyed. I worry that I've already forgotten everything that I learned in college. I know that college is ideally a process of learning how to learn and of becoming self-motivated, but I'd still like to remember how many countries there are that end in -stan. I'd like to know the exact rules for the use of a colon and the significance of electron spin. I'd like to remember that while it's great to be liked, it's wholly unnecessary to be cool. I feel like I'm in the eighth grade again.
But maybe this regression can be used as mental preparation for teaching high school kids. In less than a month, I'll step in front of a classroom full of students and say for the first time, "I am your teacher." In that moment, I can become anyone. They will have never seen me before, and I will not have seen myself in that role. It's almost as if my youth has an expiration date on it, and in that sliver of a second when I start that sentence, I will become an adult, magically and irrevocably. So who is that person going to be? And is that person going to be an effective educator? And when am I taking myself too seriously, and when not seriously enough? And when should I stop worrying about myself and start worrying about others? Is that even possible? And on and ahh and ohh and ughh, all and all and all and all...
I don't ever want it to stop; I just want some answers. I think I'll start with colons.
I think that I worry too much about the future. Maybe I worry too much in general. Am I worrying that I worry too much? This thought-pattern is vicious. I worry, for instance, that I'm annoying you. You, vaguely-imagined livejournal reader, are probably not even reading this far if you are, in fact, annoyed. I worry that I've already forgotten everything that I learned in college. I know that college is ideally a process of learning how to learn and of becoming self-motivated, but I'd still like to remember how many countries there are that end in -stan. I'd like to know the exact rules for the use of a colon and the significance of electron spin. I'd like to remember that while it's great to be liked, it's wholly unnecessary to be cool. I feel like I'm in the eighth grade again.
But maybe this regression can be used as mental preparation for teaching high school kids. In less than a month, I'll step in front of a classroom full of students and say for the first time, "I am your teacher." In that moment, I can become anyone. They will have never seen me before, and I will not have seen myself in that role. It's almost as if my youth has an expiration date on it, and in that sliver of a second when I start that sentence, I will become an adult, magically and irrevocably. So who is that person going to be? And is that person going to be an effective educator? And when am I taking myself too seriously, and when not seriously enough? And when should I stop worrying about myself and start worrying about others? Is that even possible? And on and ahh and ohh and ughh, all and all and all and all...
I don't ever want it to stop; I just want some answers. I think I'll start with colons.