Bad ideas, awesome outcomes.
So I turned 21 this past weekend. It's okay I guess, I've been beering since I was 13 and I don't feel any different (though getting carded when I asked for a beer at a restaurant made me giggle like an asian girl in a hello kitty store).
Anyway, those of you know me and have seen me inebriated know that the term "loose tongue" is just the tip of the iceberg. I say horrible, berating things that could make even the most coldhearted person on earth contemplate suicide.
IE
Girl: I like your hoodie.
Jeff: YOU ARE SCUM
For whatever reason, I thought it would be fun/hysterical to polish off the rest of this bangin' ass watermelon vodka and orange juice concoction i made on my way to class.
AWESOME idea.
So, I arrived on campus at 11:45AM drunk.
Not the "holy shit, sit me down" drunk.
The "HOLY SHIT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?! CACTI ARE NOT FOR EATING YOU COCKJUGGLING THUNDERCUNT, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE IN A DOWNHILL BIKING ACCIDENT" drunk
Most of the day went fine. I just sat back, laughed at every busted up broad that walked by me, and ate some food. However, on my way to grab some chicken tenders to munch on whilst watching The Crow. Decidedly, being drunk is the only way I can make it through this movie without wanting to hatefuck the nearest psuedo-goth-broad. Which would have been horrible on account of the girl like that in my class looks like she showers with bacon fat and towels off with chicago style pizzas.
Anyway, I'm walking through the hall and some girl I know who's name always slips my mind tries to make me buy a cookie. I recognize her face so I don't give her the full brunt of drunkenly abusive Jeff. I tell her to shut up and that I don't want her filthy fucking wears. Had I not known she was a decent person I probably would have just stolen a bunch of cookies and told her God hates prostitutes and he sent me to take them away before she got AIDs on them.
She thought it was funny. So that's good, because I do know she's nice.
Next girl...not so lucky.
I was walking out of the cafeteria when I spotted her. She was walking on my right side. I'm almost sure she was comprised entirely of feces and cocoa butter. She looked at my food, and I knew she was going to talk to me. At that point my AVOID AVOID AVOID siren was going off. So I blurted out the first thing I could think of:
(In my best Steve Irwin voice)
"BUGGER ME! EET LOOKS LIKE OOY'VE FOUND THE EEELUSIV BLACK LAND MANATEE! KRIKEY!"
(I couldn't decide whether or not I liked the name MechaBlackie or BLM better, so we're going to call her MechaBLM).
MechaBLM: Whaaa? You funny.
Jeff: Don't do this.
MechaBLM: Do what?
Jeff: *stops walking*
MechaBLM: That smell good. You in dat movie class in da hawl?
Jeff: If you follow me I'm going to punch you and tell everyone you mistook my penis for a stick of butter and ravenously attacked me.
MechaBLM: Wut is you talking about?
Jeff: You talk like Corky from Life Goes on.
MechaBLM: Boy is you crazy?
Jeff: SHH YOU'RE GETTING DIABETES ON ME EVERY TIME YOU BREATHE OUT
At this point, MechaBLM finally caught on that I was not in approval of her presence. She tried to do one of those neck-cobra things but it really just looked like she was trying to squish a bag of oatmeal into her neck.
MechaBLM: So wut you tryin to say I'm fat? Cuz you a fuckin big boy
Jeff: Fat chicks are not even people.
MechaBLM: Wutchu mean?! Us thick girls is the best.
Jeff: For herding.
MechaBLM: Wut?!
Jeff: Philistine.
MechaBLM: Wut the fuck is a fill-a-stein? You think you smart?
Jeff: Your cavalier attitude towards your own ignorance makes me want to eat a kitten. Please return to the bayou.
MechaBLM: Bayou? WHAT YOU MAKIN A NEW ORLEANS JOKE?!
Jeff: No. I just assumed that's where you came from, on account of, you're a swampdonkey.
MechaBLM: Oh hell no.
She thundered back towards the commons.
I threw a chicken tender at her.
She turned around and looked at it, and for a second I thought she was gonna either A) Charge me, B) Pick it up, or C) Charge me then go back and pick it up.
She did none of the above, thankfully, because she probably could've sacked me across county lines, or made my head explode by taking the chicken projectile.
Anyway, that was my drunken school story.
I should do that more often.
Anyway, those of you know me and have seen me inebriated know that the term "loose tongue" is just the tip of the iceberg. I say horrible, berating things that could make even the most coldhearted person on earth contemplate suicide.
IE
Girl: I like your hoodie.
Jeff: YOU ARE SCUM
For whatever reason, I thought it would be fun/hysterical to polish off the rest of this bangin' ass watermelon vodka and orange juice concoction i made on my way to class.
AWESOME idea.
So, I arrived on campus at 11:45AM drunk.
Not the "holy shit, sit me down" drunk.
The "HOLY SHIT WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?! CACTI ARE NOT FOR EATING YOU COCKJUGGLING THUNDERCUNT, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE IN A DOWNHILL BIKING ACCIDENT" drunk
Most of the day went fine. I just sat back, laughed at every busted up broad that walked by me, and ate some food. However, on my way to grab some chicken tenders to munch on whilst watching The Crow. Decidedly, being drunk is the only way I can make it through this movie without wanting to hatefuck the nearest psuedo-goth-broad. Which would have been horrible on account of the girl like that in my class looks like she showers with bacon fat and towels off with chicago style pizzas.
Anyway, I'm walking through the hall and some girl I know who's name always slips my mind tries to make me buy a cookie. I recognize her face so I don't give her the full brunt of drunkenly abusive Jeff. I tell her to shut up and that I don't want her filthy fucking wears. Had I not known she was a decent person I probably would have just stolen a bunch of cookies and told her God hates prostitutes and he sent me to take them away before she got AIDs on them.
She thought it was funny. So that's good, because I do know she's nice.
Next girl...not so lucky.
I was walking out of the cafeteria when I spotted her. She was walking on my right side. I'm almost sure she was comprised entirely of feces and cocoa butter. She looked at my food, and I knew she was going to talk to me. At that point my AVOID AVOID AVOID siren was going off. So I blurted out the first thing I could think of:
(In my best Steve Irwin voice)
"BUGGER ME! EET LOOKS LIKE OOY'VE FOUND THE EEELUSIV BLACK LAND MANATEE! KRIKEY!"
(I couldn't decide whether or not I liked the name MechaBlackie or BLM better, so we're going to call her MechaBLM).
MechaBLM: Whaaa? You funny.
Jeff: Don't do this.
MechaBLM: Do what?
Jeff: *stops walking*
MechaBLM: That smell good. You in dat movie class in da hawl?
Jeff: If you follow me I'm going to punch you and tell everyone you mistook my penis for a stick of butter and ravenously attacked me.
MechaBLM: Wut is you talking about?
Jeff: You talk like Corky from Life Goes on.
MechaBLM: Boy is you crazy?
Jeff: SHH YOU'RE GETTING DIABETES ON ME EVERY TIME YOU BREATHE OUT
At this point, MechaBLM finally caught on that I was not in approval of her presence. She tried to do one of those neck-cobra things but it really just looked like she was trying to squish a bag of oatmeal into her neck.
MechaBLM: So wut you tryin to say I'm fat? Cuz you a fuckin big boy
Jeff: Fat chicks are not even people.
MechaBLM: Wutchu mean?! Us thick girls is the best.
Jeff: For herding.
MechaBLM: Wut?!
Jeff: Philistine.
MechaBLM: Wut the fuck is a fill-a-stein? You think you smart?
Jeff: Your cavalier attitude towards your own ignorance makes me want to eat a kitten. Please return to the bayou.
MechaBLM: Bayou? WHAT YOU MAKIN A NEW ORLEANS JOKE?!
Jeff: No. I just assumed that's where you came from, on account of, you're a swampdonkey.
MechaBLM: Oh hell no.
She thundered back towards the commons.
I threw a chicken tender at her.
She turned around and looked at it, and for a second I thought she was gonna either A) Charge me, B) Pick it up, or C) Charge me then go back and pick it up.
She did none of the above, thankfully, because she probably could've sacked me across county lines, or made my head explode by taking the chicken projectile.
Anyway, that was my drunken school story.
I should do that more often.