broken...
how did i let everything get this far? how did everything get so out of control. i thought i was doing better...
i had the worst anxiety attack since ive been on meds, quite porribly of my life, last nite. to the point where i was balled up crying and shaking so dizzy that everything started spinning until i just straight blacked out. tht is the worst feeling in the world, i dont care what anybody else says. it just beats out a broken heart, which im also facing. but attacks like that terrify me. just the feeling of complete loss of control... not being able to breath through your own internal panic, not being able to see through the blinding tears and the world spinning around you. just utter internal chaos to the point your body just straight shuts down... i woke up a couple hours later, around 5 this morning, nauseaus and dizzy and im not feeling too much better now. my hands are shaking and my legs are shaking so bad unless im walking, i cant stand without feeling like im going to collapse. i think ive finally reached the point of complete and utter burn out... what is one supposed to do when they dont have a single aspect of their life they can turn to? i cant bury myself in my school work because i cant focus on anything. i have a constant headache and dizzy spells, so i cant read to distract me. i know there are people i can turn to, but i hate burdening the VERY FEW people i know i can trust, and the rest of the world hasnt given me a reason to trust them. i cant go to my family cus my dad and i dont exactly have the best of relationships, i havent talked to my brother in 3 weeks, and my mom has enough on her plate, plus we've never been those that really discuss our problems with eachother. i guess im just waiting for the breakdown at this point... ive reached burn out, so i guess the breakdown is the next step... unless i find some way to turn everything around... but at this point, anythings a shot in the dark... i need to go ice my knee, anything to feel like i have control over something. i hit it really bad the other nite and its swollen and bruised, and again this morning when i fell... what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to fix this?... fix myself?...
i had the worst anxiety attack since ive been on meds, quite porribly of my life, last nite. to the point where i was balled up crying and shaking so dizzy that everything started spinning until i just straight blacked out. tht is the worst feeling in the world, i dont care what anybody else says. it just beats out a broken heart, which im also facing. but attacks like that terrify me. just the feeling of complete loss of control... not being able to breath through your own internal panic, not being able to see through the blinding tears and the world spinning around you. just utter internal chaos to the point your body just straight shuts down... i woke up a couple hours later, around 5 this morning, nauseaus and dizzy and im not feeling too much better now. my hands are shaking and my legs are shaking so bad unless im walking, i cant stand without feeling like im going to collapse. i think ive finally reached the point of complete and utter burn out... what is one supposed to do when they dont have a single aspect of their life they can turn to? i cant bury myself in my school work because i cant focus on anything. i have a constant headache and dizzy spells, so i cant read to distract me. i know there are people i can turn to, but i hate burdening the VERY FEW people i know i can trust, and the rest of the world hasnt given me a reason to trust them. i cant go to my family cus my dad and i dont exactly have the best of relationships, i havent talked to my brother in 3 weeks, and my mom has enough on her plate, plus we've never been those that really discuss our problems with eachother. i guess im just waiting for the breakdown at this point... ive reached burn out, so i guess the breakdown is the next step... unless i find some way to turn everything around... but at this point, anythings a shot in the dark... i need to go ice my knee, anything to feel like i have control over something. i hit it really bad the other nite and its swollen and bruised, and again this morning when i fell... what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to fix this?... fix myself?...