fuck it...
so i didnt sleep at all again last nite, and around 8 this morning i got up and went for a walk. i walked around stanley park for over 2 hours this morning and i did a lot of thinking, and came to a lot of realizations... and the major one being fuck it. im done being the only one putting any effort into my friendships. im done being the only one who makes any attempts to hang out with/make plans. im done hearing "ill call you later" and waiting around. from now on, the only way youre going to get effort out of me is if you put effort in yourself. if you tell me youre going to call and dont, or if we have plans and you blow me off, dont expect me to call you. its your turn to make the first move. from now on, you want my trust, you have to earn it. you want my friendship, you have to work at it. i may sound like a bitch, but im done letting people walk all over me. im sick of letting people treat me like shit. ive put up with so much from so many people, and im done with it. there is literally only a handful of people right now that have my trust and are going to receive any effort from me. and ive let them all know or am going to. i wonder why i feel like shit all the time and its because of the people in my life. everytime a supposed friend treats me like shit, i feel even worse about myself. and im done with that. i have low enough self esteem on my own without the people in my life bringing me down even more. so unless youre willing to put effort into this friendship, dont expect me to. ive made up my mind and im sticking to it. i dont care who i piss off with this entry, im done walking on egg shells around people, im done tip toeing around trying not to hurt or offend anyone when people that i care about and supposedly care about me hurt me on a daily basis and dont give a shit. im gonna flip out the next time someone makes a rape joke, because its not something that should be joked about, and it really hurts me when people make those comments, especially people ive talked about that in confidence and they still say things. thats fucked up. so yeah.. those are just a couple of the conclusions i came to today. i have people in my life that genuinely care and want to see me happy and dont blow me off... so why should i bother with the ones that dont care and do treat me like shit? i mean, ill still be their friend, ill still be civil... im just not gonna be the only one trying anymore. dont expect a call unless you call, dont expect me to try to make plans unless you do. this will probably cause quite a few falling outs with people, but at this point, i dont know what else to do, i cant keep letting people hurt me. so yeah... thats that... im not going to apologize for this decision or to anyone it hurts because no one has apologized for all the times theyve hurt me...