about last night at Josh's...
**added note- feel free to spread this to people who were at party. I would like certain things to be heard.
So I have a lot of reactions to last night (for those of you over at Josh's), but one of them was to go back and look at something. I gave a sermon on learning form pain a few years ago at a UU church. Here it is, if you're curious. It was a good reminder for me personally, to think back on, and where a lot of my frustration is when I see people (myself included) getting stuck in destructive cycles, having a strongly negative relationship to painful experiences.
I would prefer people not focus on what happened between her and William (or her ex husband) when dealing with x_rumour_x. x_rumour_x is not William. That I actually had someone tell me, that "it's okay, he's really a nice guy" (x_rumour_x) was a little disturbing to me. What will people who are only just getting to know him think of him if a friend feels the need to convince his girlfriend (with examples) of how he's an okay guy?
If I had been x_rumour_x, I think I would have handled it differently... but I'm not him, and I haven't been constantly barraged with this in public places since it happened because I still say "hi" to someone. Or told who I cannot be friends with. I could see losing patience, especially if it's not okay to say "not here" (ever). I consider that a violation of personal space- not to accept a no.
I think the attack on him and myself was misplaced. My thought is that until she confronts what happened herself, that the attack will continue to be placed on other people who were not there. The fact that she attacked me because I'm close to x_rumour_x seems to illustrate that. It is not x_rumour_x's responsibility to "deal" with it either. Only she can do that, and fortunatly it looks like she has a lot of help from loving people. I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with abuse trama, but I do not believe that should give a person extended license to behave like this in social groups. In a way I feel like it encorages it, and stunts the process of getting through and over it- which is no help to the person.
There's a bit that goes into that a lot more thoroughly in the Sermon (reasons we don't want to let go of pain). Anyways. I hope very much that she can get through this- she obviously has a lot of loving support, and I'm glad of that. By the way, I am fine with her reading this- that's why it's public.
I also hope that x_rumour_x does not start getting the same treatment as William by proxy- I know he has been concerned about that, and given my experience and what I've seen, it is a legititmate concern. I think he could use hearing from people that they don't think he's the son of satan. Like I said, I might have responded differently, but then, I have been known to completely lose my patience and get really harsh when someone hits certain buttons for a while. Note that he managed not to lose his patience in her presence, but simply refused to get involved and exited.
A lot of us have had a very stressful couple of months.
I don't think not ostricizing someone because you're not sure what they did, or because someone told you to, should be social death. I would instead consider the value of a friend who gives his friends and aquaintances the benefit of the doubt (while keeping his eyes open) in the face of extreme social pressure, to be a blessing.
I know from personal experience what it is like to be on the receiving end of accusations (in this case, completely false, but believed by the person making them) that cause an entire communty to hate and ostracize you. I for one was glad of people who reserved judgement (thanks fallen_scholar), and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you might be glad of it as well.
*later note:
I received an apology, and I'm glad of that. I don't know whether or not x_rumour_x did.
So I have a lot of reactions to last night (for those of you over at Josh's), but one of them was to go back and look at something. I gave a sermon on learning form pain a few years ago at a UU church. Here it is, if you're curious. It was a good reminder for me personally, to think back on, and where a lot of my frustration is when I see people (myself included) getting stuck in destructive cycles, having a strongly negative relationship to painful experiences.
I would prefer people not focus on what happened between her and William (or her ex husband) when dealing with x_rumour_x. x_rumour_x is not William. That I actually had someone tell me, that "it's okay, he's really a nice guy" (x_rumour_x) was a little disturbing to me. What will people who are only just getting to know him think of him if a friend feels the need to convince his girlfriend (with examples) of how he's an okay guy?
If I had been x_rumour_x, I think I would have handled it differently... but I'm not him, and I haven't been constantly barraged with this in public places since it happened because I still say "hi" to someone. Or told who I cannot be friends with. I could see losing patience, especially if it's not okay to say "not here" (ever). I consider that a violation of personal space- not to accept a no.
I think the attack on him and myself was misplaced. My thought is that until she confronts what happened herself, that the attack will continue to be placed on other people who were not there. The fact that she attacked me because I'm close to x_rumour_x seems to illustrate that. It is not x_rumour_x's responsibility to "deal" with it either. Only she can do that, and fortunatly it looks like she has a lot of help from loving people. I can only imagine how difficult it is to deal with abuse trama, but I do not believe that should give a person extended license to behave like this in social groups. In a way I feel like it encorages it, and stunts the process of getting through and over it- which is no help to the person.
There's a bit that goes into that a lot more thoroughly in the Sermon (reasons we don't want to let go of pain). Anyways. I hope very much that she can get through this- she obviously has a lot of loving support, and I'm glad of that. By the way, I am fine with her reading this- that's why it's public.
I also hope that x_rumour_x does not start getting the same treatment as William by proxy- I know he has been concerned about that, and given my experience and what I've seen, it is a legititmate concern. I think he could use hearing from people that they don't think he's the son of satan. Like I said, I might have responded differently, but then, I have been known to completely lose my patience and get really harsh when someone hits certain buttons for a while. Note that he managed not to lose his patience in her presence, but simply refused to get involved and exited.
A lot of us have had a very stressful couple of months.
I don't think not ostricizing someone because you're not sure what they did, or because someone told you to, should be social death. I would instead consider the value of a friend who gives his friends and aquaintances the benefit of the doubt (while keeping his eyes open) in the face of extreme social pressure, to be a blessing.
I know from personal experience what it is like to be on the receiving end of accusations (in this case, completely false, but believed by the person making them) that cause an entire communty to hate and ostracize you. I for one was glad of people who reserved judgement (thanks fallen_scholar), and if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, you might be glad of it as well.
*later note:
I received an apology, and I'm glad of that. I don't know whether or not x_rumour_x did.