Just when I think I got this thing figured out
A few days ago, I posted a short video (one of several in a series) of Dr. Russell Barkley brilliantly outlining recent research (as of 2 years ago) on the neuro-biological sources of ADHD.
There was one particular part, though, that caught my attention, and I wanted to explore this.
"You (non-ADHD people) can self-regulate your motivation. The frontal-lymbic circuit is the source of self-motiivation. This is where you're able to motivate yourself in the absence of consequences. This is where you think about those goals, and in thinking about them, it actually motivates you. It actually creates a postive emotional mood state. You want that goal, you want to attain it, and you will use that motivation to susatin action over time in the absence of consequences.
"...most adults would refer to this source as willpower. It is what many adults with ADHD we have interviewed have said that they lack: the ability the engage in a self-disciplined persistent course toward their goals.
"...you need self-motivation for all future directed behavior. And so now we know where the self motivation deficits are coming from. The corrollary of this deficit is that people with ADHD will always be dependent on the immediate consequences that surround them for how long they can sustain an action. For how long they can persist they will be externally dependent on the fuel for their behavior. Others are internally dependent, they generate their own motivational states."
That last part in bold made a connection with me in a way that few other things have in my search for answers. To whit:
I've been on many paths in my journey searching for some kind of peace and stability. With each one I find, a sense of hope and optimism comes with it. Sometimes, I think I've found my way out and I can stop making these damnable updates. But I've been through so many wrong turns and dead-ends in the last five years that it's developed into a cautious optimism, getting towards a weary acceptance that I might never find my way out. It's embarrassing to keep posting these kinds of updates from square-fucking-one every few months, I almost don't want to post them because people are tired of the repetition. God knows I am.
On a separate note, I got callbacks for two jobs. Interview tomorrow at 9am for a split shift that starts at 5:45 am and goes until 7:45pm. Another for a parking valet gig. Not really what I was gunning for, but desperate times, and all that.
HMTB
There was one particular part, though, that caught my attention, and I wanted to explore this.
"You (non-ADHD people) can self-regulate your motivation. The frontal-lymbic circuit is the source of self-motiivation. This is where you're able to motivate yourself in the absence of consequences. This is where you think about those goals, and in thinking about them, it actually motivates you. It actually creates a postive emotional mood state. You want that goal, you want to attain it, and you will use that motivation to susatin action over time in the absence of consequences.
"...most adults would refer to this source as willpower. It is what many adults with ADHD we have interviewed have said that they lack: the ability the engage in a self-disciplined persistent course toward their goals.
"...you need self-motivation for all future directed behavior. And so now we know where the self motivation deficits are coming from. The corrollary of this deficit is that people with ADHD will always be dependent on the immediate consequences that surround them for how long they can sustain an action. For how long they can persist they will be externally dependent on the fuel for their behavior. Others are internally dependent, they generate their own motivational states."
That last part in bold made a connection with me in a way that few other things have in my search for answers. To whit:
- The biological principles of motivation mentioned above share a connection to one's sense of self-worth. Instead of being able to build my own foundation of self-worth, I rely on external "consequences" in the form of compliments from superiors and customers for my work.
- I have excelled at pretty much any regular job I've had, but failed at every opportunity I've tried to create for myself because I cannot keep myself motivated to keep up the pace.
- This is why I derive my sense of self-worth from how much I produce or performance in a certain time period. Even on jobs where I am doing nothing, I feel guilty that I am wasting my time and their money because I'm not actually doing anything.
- I excel at regular jobs because of a constant need for affirmation from a superior or a customer. I don't generally work for the work's sake (I didn't pick up cigarette butts for my health), I am subconsciously seeking approval from a boss or customer. I seek out new opportunities for praise, which is what motivates me to be keep a smile plastered on my face and proactive on a task even when I am dying inside.
- The sense of satisfaction and confidence of a job well done is fleeting, but long enough to carry me forward to the next one. This is where the revolving-door of customer service comes in; a constant stream of customer approval.
- Why this pattern doesn't carry over in what I do for myself remains a mystery. Why am I willing to put up with perpetually disappointed clients and a ruined reputation, but I can kick ass with a boss or supervisor looking over my shoulder?
- This pattern leads to pushing harder and harder with higher expectations. The desire for approval turns into resentment as I push myself beyond my physical and mental boundaries. The pressure can get to be too much and I can end up with an episode.
- This pattern has led to a cycle of behavior that resembles other disorders such as depression or bi-polar, and is why they can be so difficult to figure out whether or not I actually have either. What could be symptoms of one could actually be something else entirely. Am I depressed, having an ADHD "flareup", or is this my normal state? Am I high as a kite from a hypomanic high, are the ADHD meds working, or am I just temporarily free of symptoms? For what it's worth, ADHD meds have been the only ones to help me so far, so there's that point in a direction.
- Another indicator was prior to 2005 when I was working out. I didn't do it for me, I did it to impress people. When people outright expressed that they weren't impressed, I stopped and haven't picked up a weight since. I want to work out and and recognize the health benefits, but there is no external motivation for me to do so.
- Same deal with my oral hygiene. I know how important it is, but I can't be buggered to develop the right habits to keep my teeth up. Then when I get an infection or crumbled toott, I promise to behave and brush my teeth all the time because the pain drives me to do so. Once the pain is gone, so is the motivation.
- On a separate note, this also explains why negative words can still get to me, even from those whose words should not matter (douchebags, trolls, haters, bullies). Words of praise are fleeting, but words of damnation can last for years. The acceptance of people in general is what makes me work so hard to not be a douchebag myself.
I've been on many paths in my journey searching for some kind of peace and stability. With each one I find, a sense of hope and optimism comes with it. Sometimes, I think I've found my way out and I can stop making these damnable updates. But I've been through so many wrong turns and dead-ends in the last five years that it's developed into a cautious optimism, getting towards a weary acceptance that I might never find my way out. It's embarrassing to keep posting these kinds of updates from square-fucking-one every few months, I almost don't want to post them because people are tired of the repetition. God knows I am.
On a separate note, I got callbacks for two jobs. Interview tomorrow at 9am for a split shift that starts at 5:45 am and goes until 7:45pm. Another for a parking valet gig. Not really what I was gunning for, but desperate times, and all that.
HMTB