Wait... What?
I'm posting this from the future.
It is the present, but if you read this blog before and notice the huge jump in time, it is the fucking future so don't argue. Look, I mean 6 years is a LONG time for someone to just jump back in to writing a blog that no one reads anyway, so OBVIOUSLY this is a post from the future that I actually wrote way back in the day. The logic is flawless.
Having said that, I lied. I have not managed to travel through time JUST to post on my live journal, no, that would be the silliest thing ever. Instead, it is actually some time in my sophomore year at LVC and I've managed to trick Live Journal into thinking it is the future! Isn't that amazing! Instead of doing homework, or whatever it was I did back then...... I mean... what I do now... in the present.... right... I simply decided to screw around on the good old LJ, since that what all the other kids do nowadays without facebook NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT IT IS SINCE IT ISNT RELEASED YET (Or was/is it?)
In any case, I can prove to you I am still in college.
I am single.
I am still in school.
I have a job a family member helped me secure.
I don't know where my life is going.
I don't have a social life, although I'd like to change that.
I'm in a room by myself with a TV, Computer, and Bed.
There is this awesome girl I'm talking to a year younger than me, but who knows how that will go.
Most pertinent and indicative of this being written in 2006; a particular someone still occupies the majority of my mind, and that fact needs to be a secret for the present state of our relationship to continue.
See? Everything is the same. Car, status, living arrangement, relationship status.....
Oh...
Wait. It seems I've been deceiving you slightly. Or perhaps myself.
The last time I wrote in this... thing... I was between relationships (gentle for saying single, sort of like how unemployment people say they're between jobs). I had been forcibly demoted from boyfriend to friend by someone whom I thought the world of. Half of the issue was me being an immature high school kid, half of it was her having questions and doubts. I'm sure you've all heard the story by now, especially if you have access to this blog entry, if not, 60 Minutes did a special on it a few years back, I highly recommend it.
I didn't understand why she wanted to go, and nothing I did could help solve the issues she needed solving before anything between us could continue. I flash forward to today (fine! It is 2012, jerk) and see that she is left bewildered at my decision, and I feel it is the only thing I could possibly do to help resolve my questions.
So one thing has changed in the past 6 years. This time, I'm the one whose made the tough choice and went off searching for answers, and she is the one left dazed and confused, completely unsure how to handle or adjust.
I wonder, though, if there are more similarities. After she made that choice, did she have overwhelming doubts about what she had done? Did she think, "Maybe it wasn't so bad..." Did she question her motives, what drove her to make the decisions she made?
Then maybe things really aren't that different.
I like to think I'm calculated and rational when it comes to making large decisions, but all the thinking in the world won't help when you don't have enough information. I should have looked at this like the SATs, I didn't know the answer so I shouldn't have colored in the bubble.
But I think that's the problem! I never knew the answers! I've been fiddling on this question for the longest time! I've had doubts, questions, concerns, and I've never had the same mindset about the future as her. I've been so selfish I'm lobster (Lobster... shellfish.. Fuck you it works with my lisp.) In my head it made complete sense to end it. We had been talking about the situation non-stop since the ice was broken a few months ago. I'm unhappy with so much of the relationship. In 10 years of knowing each other, we have a handful of things in common. It's like leaving the house and going on vacation are the only ways for me to have fun. 80% of my life cannot be shared with her, because she'll nod in appreciation until I'm done rambling. The other 20%, well now, <3 all over the place.
Does that make this a friendship? Or is this how long term relationships work? Would things be different if we hadn't been dependent on each other, would we not have lost mutual interest and see the friendship route as best? I have a new job, an expanding social life, and a lot of work/homework to do. I have things on my plate, and being selfish (I have been horribly selfish), I rarely ever made time for her. But when I WANTED to see her, she was always right there, willing to accommodate. That type of loyalty... is not something meant to be discarded because of small doubts, right?
I mean, a lot of the doubts and concerns I had dealt her emotional commitment.
Almost 18 months (that's four years from the day some of you might still think I'm writing this from... come on people, get with it), I spoke to a mutual about where I thought I saw things going. The problems I saw involved her getting a car, a job, and having her own life without needing me. I was really worried that the second that happened, she'd lose some interest in me. I still believe this to be the case to some extent, but I don't know. When someone confesses to you that you are the only stable thing in her life, it makes you wonder what would happen once other things stabilized.
Maybe that's what this all needs? Maybe we both need stability and an understand of ourselves...
Maybe that's what I need, because she seemed perfectly content with the relationship, and if I had just appreciated what I had, it very well might have been the only thing I needed in my life.
But how can I say that when I don't know if there are other people out there that would make that 80/20 gap more 50/50. (I would never want 0/100, I enjoy alone time, of course, I was an only child after all). How can I become content having nothing more than history and select things (things EVERYONE can enjoy, like Ice Cream or Vacations)... How was SHE so content? In just the past few months I've met someone who seems has leagues more in common with me than most male friends. I'm not blind to the things we don't share, but at this point in time, the line is more 50/50 than 80/20. Then again, I like cats because they'll leave me alone most of the time unless I turn on the laser pointer in an attempt to play with them. Maybe 80/20 is what I want, and I don't realize it, yet.
So many questions, doubts, concerns. And I'm 25 (IT ISN'T 2006! SERIOUSLY GET WITH THE PROGRAM) and I'm only going through this stage now. I've told many of my friends before, I'm so behind socially...
I can't be sure if I jumped the gun, and I can't be sure if it was necessary, and I can't be sure where I'm going, but I've grown and learned a lot about myself in the past week. Who knows what 6 years will bring....
It is the present, but if you read this blog before and notice the huge jump in time, it is the fucking future so don't argue. Look, I mean 6 years is a LONG time for someone to just jump back in to writing a blog that no one reads anyway, so OBVIOUSLY this is a post from the future that I actually wrote way back in the day. The logic is flawless.
Having said that, I lied. I have not managed to travel through time JUST to post on my live journal, no, that would be the silliest thing ever. Instead, it is actually some time in my sophomore year at LVC and I've managed to trick Live Journal into thinking it is the future! Isn't that amazing! Instead of doing homework, or whatever it was I did back then...... I mean... what I do now... in the present.... right... I simply decided to screw around on the good old LJ, since that what all the other kids do nowadays without facebook NOT THAT I KNOW WHAT IT IS SINCE IT ISNT RELEASED YET (Or was/is it?)
In any case, I can prove to you I am still in college.
I am single.
I am still in school.
I have a job a family member helped me secure.
I don't know where my life is going.
I don't have a social life, although I'd like to change that.
I'm in a room by myself with a TV, Computer, and Bed.
There is this awesome girl I'm talking to a year younger than me, but who knows how that will go.
Most pertinent and indicative of this being written in 2006; a particular someone still occupies the majority of my mind, and that fact needs to be a secret for the present state of our relationship to continue.
See? Everything is the same. Car, status, living arrangement, relationship status.....
Oh...
Wait. It seems I've been deceiving you slightly. Or perhaps myself.
The last time I wrote in this... thing... I was between relationships (gentle for saying single, sort of like how unemployment people say they're between jobs). I had been forcibly demoted from boyfriend to friend by someone whom I thought the world of. Half of the issue was me being an immature high school kid, half of it was her having questions and doubts. I'm sure you've all heard the story by now, especially if you have access to this blog entry, if not, 60 Minutes did a special on it a few years back, I highly recommend it.
I didn't understand why she wanted to go, and nothing I did could help solve the issues she needed solving before anything between us could continue. I flash forward to today (fine! It is 2012, jerk) and see that she is left bewildered at my decision, and I feel it is the only thing I could possibly do to help resolve my questions.
So one thing has changed in the past 6 years. This time, I'm the one whose made the tough choice and went off searching for answers, and she is the one left dazed and confused, completely unsure how to handle or adjust.
I wonder, though, if there are more similarities. After she made that choice, did she have overwhelming doubts about what she had done? Did she think, "Maybe it wasn't so bad..." Did she question her motives, what drove her to make the decisions she made?
Then maybe things really aren't that different.
I like to think I'm calculated and rational when it comes to making large decisions, but all the thinking in the world won't help when you don't have enough information. I should have looked at this like the SATs, I didn't know the answer so I shouldn't have colored in the bubble.
But I think that's the problem! I never knew the answers! I've been fiddling on this question for the longest time! I've had doubts, questions, concerns, and I've never had the same mindset about the future as her. I've been so selfish I'm lobster (Lobster... shellfish.. Fuck you it works with my lisp.) In my head it made complete sense to end it. We had been talking about the situation non-stop since the ice was broken a few months ago. I'm unhappy with so much of the relationship. In 10 years of knowing each other, we have a handful of things in common. It's like leaving the house and going on vacation are the only ways for me to have fun. 80% of my life cannot be shared with her, because she'll nod in appreciation until I'm done rambling. The other 20%, well now, <3 all over the place.
Does that make this a friendship? Or is this how long term relationships work? Would things be different if we hadn't been dependent on each other, would we not have lost mutual interest and see the friendship route as best? I have a new job, an expanding social life, and a lot of work/homework to do. I have things on my plate, and being selfish (I have been horribly selfish), I rarely ever made time for her. But when I WANTED to see her, she was always right there, willing to accommodate. That type of loyalty... is not something meant to be discarded because of small doubts, right?
I mean, a lot of the doubts and concerns I had dealt her emotional commitment.
Almost 18 months (that's four years from the day some of you might still think I'm writing this from... come on people, get with it), I spoke to a mutual about where I thought I saw things going. The problems I saw involved her getting a car, a job, and having her own life without needing me. I was really worried that the second that happened, she'd lose some interest in me. I still believe this to be the case to some extent, but I don't know. When someone confesses to you that you are the only stable thing in her life, it makes you wonder what would happen once other things stabilized.
Maybe that's what this all needs? Maybe we both need stability and an understand of ourselves...
Maybe that's what I need, because she seemed perfectly content with the relationship, and if I had just appreciated what I had, it very well might have been the only thing I needed in my life.
But how can I say that when I don't know if there are other people out there that would make that 80/20 gap more 50/50. (I would never want 0/100, I enjoy alone time, of course, I was an only child after all). How can I become content having nothing more than history and select things (things EVERYONE can enjoy, like Ice Cream or Vacations)... How was SHE so content? In just the past few months I've met someone who seems has leagues more in common with me than most male friends. I'm not blind to the things we don't share, but at this point in time, the line is more 50/50 than 80/20. Then again, I like cats because they'll leave me alone most of the time unless I turn on the laser pointer in an attempt to play with them. Maybe 80/20 is what I want, and I don't realize it, yet.
So many questions, doubts, concerns. And I'm 25 (IT ISN'T 2006! SERIOUSLY GET WITH THE PROGRAM) and I'm only going through this stage now. I've told many of my friends before, I'm so behind socially...
I can't be sure if I jumped the gun, and I can't be sure if it was necessary, and I can't be sure where I'm going, but I've grown and learned a lot about myself in the past week. Who knows what 6 years will bring....