spewing
I caught up (well, sort of) on all these entries of yours, and I feel alternatively happy and worried. I'd love to leave comments, but I feel like I've been absent for so long that anything I have to say will be disregarded. At least my excuse for absenteeism is valid. I've been depressedanxiousexhaustedCONFUSEDangrysadwoefulregrefuldelighted...it's been a mess. Or, I'VE been a mess, I should say.
Today I attended a bridal shower with Chris and his mom. The bride-to-be (as her sash [yes, she had a sash] stated) is also a mother-to-be. The house was small and crowded, but the people were happy. Settled, too. Most of them are married. There was an extreme peace, like no one was trying to impress anyone else. There was no sexual tension of any kind. Sleazy clothes were non-existant. I was content, though I spent most of the afternoon shoved in a corner between the china hutch and the sliding door. I want that life. Can I be the young professional woman with a blue-eyed baby boy who can walk but prefers to crawl? Or maybe the older woman whose wrinkles state a certain age, but whose demeanour suggests she's in her prime? Maybe instead of choosing my path, I should choose the result I most want. Yes, a family is first on my list of desires. It may even be a need. I want kids and a husband I can love as unconditionally as I love my children. I want a house (it doesn't have to be much), and I want a job of sorts. If I can make enough money to contribute to the family in a meaningful way, then I'll be happy, even if I just mop floors for 8 hours. For a long time I felt I had to get a "good" job. Because that's what "smart" people do, right? They work hard and they earn a lot of money. I am intelligent - enough to recognize that this life is my own. And damn it, I want to share my life with a family, not with a company.
I hope that Chris and I can work together, because I love him. As ridiculous as it is, I love him unconditionally. Events have certainly proved that point. We've put each other through multiple hells. We've made mistakes with our relationship. I don't think either of us was ready to act like an adult, and that screwed us over. There are things I still need from him, and I've been hurt like I never imagined possible, but I love him. You can take that with a shoulder shrug. It's a fact. Maybe Chris and I really don't work as a couple. Maybe we won't be together tomorrow, let alone years from now. But I hope it's him I end up with. I have never met any other male who exudes such humility, fear, or passion. He's real. And we connect. And yet...I don't know if I can move beyond all that's happened. I'm talking about the bad stuff now.
Many of you seem to be craving boyfriends. What is it you want? Companionship? Love? Or a boyfriend? Let me tell you, the third is highly complex and can be devastating. So if you're ready to have your heart exposed and manipulated (not necessarily in a bad way) by someone else, then you're ready for a boyfriend. I sure wasn't. I'm still not. I'm insecure to such an extent that if Chris so much as looks at another girl, I tense up and my insides may flip-flop. Today I decided to pretend that all females are his relatives. Hopefully it'll help. The first few months are easy, and then the WORK begins.
So uh...thanks. Have a day :)
Today I attended a bridal shower with Chris and his mom. The bride-to-be (as her sash [yes, she had a sash] stated) is also a mother-to-be. The house was small and crowded, but the people were happy. Settled, too. Most of them are married. There was an extreme peace, like no one was trying to impress anyone else. There was no sexual tension of any kind. Sleazy clothes were non-existant. I was content, though I spent most of the afternoon shoved in a corner between the china hutch and the sliding door. I want that life. Can I be the young professional woman with a blue-eyed baby boy who can walk but prefers to crawl? Or maybe the older woman whose wrinkles state a certain age, but whose demeanour suggests she's in her prime? Maybe instead of choosing my path, I should choose the result I most want. Yes, a family is first on my list of desires. It may even be a need. I want kids and a husband I can love as unconditionally as I love my children. I want a house (it doesn't have to be much), and I want a job of sorts. If I can make enough money to contribute to the family in a meaningful way, then I'll be happy, even if I just mop floors for 8 hours. For a long time I felt I had to get a "good" job. Because that's what "smart" people do, right? They work hard and they earn a lot of money. I am intelligent - enough to recognize that this life is my own. And damn it, I want to share my life with a family, not with a company.
I hope that Chris and I can work together, because I love him. As ridiculous as it is, I love him unconditionally. Events have certainly proved that point. We've put each other through multiple hells. We've made mistakes with our relationship. I don't think either of us was ready to act like an adult, and that screwed us over. There are things I still need from him, and I've been hurt like I never imagined possible, but I love him. You can take that with a shoulder shrug. It's a fact. Maybe Chris and I really don't work as a couple. Maybe we won't be together tomorrow, let alone years from now. But I hope it's him I end up with. I have never met any other male who exudes such humility, fear, or passion. He's real. And we connect. And yet...I don't know if I can move beyond all that's happened. I'm talking about the bad stuff now.
Many of you seem to be craving boyfriends. What is it you want? Companionship? Love? Or a boyfriend? Let me tell you, the third is highly complex and can be devastating. So if you're ready to have your heart exposed and manipulated (not necessarily in a bad way) by someone else, then you're ready for a boyfriend. I sure wasn't. I'm still not. I'm insecure to such an extent that if Chris so much as looks at another girl, I tense up and my insides may flip-flop. Today I decided to pretend that all females are his relatives. Hopefully it'll help. The first few months are easy, and then the WORK begins.
So uh...thanks. Have a day :)