Human Scum - The Conclusion
Out of idleness Hiei thumbed through the magazine, paused-and widened his eyes as he came upon an article that he was sure was geared at the magazine’s probably widely female audience:
“10 Things He Wants to Do In Bed.”
“What’re you doing?” Kuwabara asked as Hiei began tearing out the pages.
In reply Hiei shoved the torn rejects into the man’s face. “You buy this for Yukina to read?!”
“Huh-Oh-Oh, chill, Hiei, it came with the magazine is all!” Under his breath, Kuwabara muttered, “I ain’t getting anything anyway.”
Hiei bristled, and began to reassess the logic of the icy Koorime crone-bitches. Cloistered away, without (physical) vanity and mean and the ten things they want to do in bed.
After a moment, Kuwabara added, “’Sides, that’s just a kinda trashy magazine about kinda glamorous and kinda trashy people. You won’t see anybody like me in there.”
His tone managed to be proud, defensive, and resentful all at the same time. Hiei realized his quick save earlier with invoking Shishiwakamaru, who’d pointed out before what Kuwabara had just said: he wasn’t the type they showed in magazines.
He considered some woman model, taller than he was (hardly a feat, he knew), maybe even taller than Kuwabara, but so skinny he wondered-but, disgustingly, knew better-if she was from somewhere with famine.
“You look better than her,” he offered with a shrug, showing Kuwabara the picture.
“Thanks,” Kuwabara said sarcastically. “Sheesh, that girl’s probably got enough people on her ass about how she looks.”
For crying out-“Maybe your sister ought to get you some lady pads on her way home,” he said, relishing the choking noise and look of horror that followed.
“Shit, Hiei!”
“Oh chill, Kuwabara, it came with the female boss is all.” Coolly Hiei thumbed back through the magazine, decided he was done with it, and dumped it in Kuwabara’s lap. The bus was slowing down, anyhow.
“You know,” Kuwabara said as they dismounted, “you make a bitchy date.”
Hiei snorted. “What about Yukina?”
“Yukina’s sweet!”
“Too bad. She ought to be bitchy, around a pervert like you.”
“Oh, come on, Hiei! That’s just a magazine article! Stuff in magazines-well, ‘cept for maybe ones like National Geographic or Modern Guitars-but stuff in this sort of magazine don’t mean anything!”
“Is that so?” Hiei demanded, features melding into something that Kurama, having known him so long, might have recognized right away, but that Kuwabara seemed to take no notice of.
“Yeah! Man, if no one out here knows what you are, they probably at least know that you’re foreign. Jump at a bus, cant’ pay for a ticket, think everything in every magazine is real, which if that were true would make you an alien like that one tabloid said, though I guess that maybe that’s not the best example to use since you technically kind of are one but-Shit!”
Kuwabara made the most interesting face as he landed on the sidewalk. Hiei smirked down at him-before grabbing either side of his head, and to his horror-which didn’t help him, because that made him open his mouth-kissing him.
Feel him squirm! thought Hiei evilly, mimicking the movements with his tongue, which made Kuwabara squirm more.
After just a moment or two, though, Hiei hopped off of him, ignoring the crowd of people staring, and smirked as Kuwabara stumbled to his feet, wiping his mouth and giving Hiei a confounded look. “What the-?”
“Shut up,” Hiei cut him off. “Human scum.” And while Kuwabara stood and stared, he turned and proceeded in the direction of the home that human shared with Shizuru and Yukina, just down the street.
“HEY!”
Hiei was by the fence just outside the house when he heard the rapid footsteps catching up to him, on the patio when they did-
Through the sliding screen door, when the first caught up to him. Better to tumble with it, he decided as he went flying, and accomplished a perfect mid-air somersault before landing perched on the back of the couch-he had to give Kuwabara some credit, sending him through the kitchen with just one punch-, facing his attacker.
Who waved a still-clenched around, before fixing it frozen at his side. “What the HELL was that about?!” Kuwabara demanded. “Hey, I don’t know what you do with your buddies in Demon World, or at Kurama’s place”-Hiei raised an eyebrow-“and I don’t really even care, but I am not that way, and besides it’s rude to just tackle and French someone out in the open like that!”
Whatever the French had to do with this. “Rude?” Hiei repeated, letting himself fall over onto the couch. “I hope it’s living with two women that makes you sound like such a priss.”
“Priss?” A contorted face appeared over the back of the couch, and glared won at him. “I’m not a priss. I-!”
Hiei narrowed his eyes. “‘Sweat?’” he sneered.
“Right!”
The Koorime turned his head to one side. It wasn’t even fun baiting him anymore. “What do you think I do at Kurama’s place?” he asked.
“Uh-.” He pursed his lips, turning a little red. “Nothing I want to think about!”
“Nothing.”
Kuwabara stared won at him. “Huh?”
He rolled his eyes. “Nothing,” he repeated. “Nothing happens. ‘I ain’t getting anything anyway,’ like what you said. I think his study sessions take it all out of him.”
Above him the carrot-top cringed. “Let’s not talk about that, ‘kay? Wait.” Kuwabara gave him a weird look. “You wanna get some?”
Trying to take an objective look at himself, Hiei figured to that be perfectly honest, he probably didn’t come off as some hormone-crazed horn dog like Yusuke or the idiot standing over him could be; or effortlessly seductive, like Kurama. If he wasn’t getting any from Kurama (or from Mukuro, if Kurama was the one teasing him), then he must be perfectly sexless, much more sooner to beat the shit out of someone than be tender with them.
Well, maybe that was true, but still…
“Are you offering?’ he asked, unable to suppress a malicious smile as Kuwabara’s eyes practically popped out of their sockets. “Human scum?”
“Uh,” Kuwabara said. “Uh. Uh…” Did he think he was being seriously propositioned?
Without warning Hiei sat up and tugged on that stupid poof of hair that sort of reminded him of a rooster’s comb, yanked the attached head down, and kissed the mouth again. Shut up, he thought at the resulting, muffled protest sounds, kissing deeper. Would anyone speculate over them?
“Oomph!” he uttered through a tangle of tongues as the body on the other end teetered over the back of the couch and landed on top of him, practically crushing the already-dwindling air out of him.
So much for Kuwabara being "not that way,” he thought cynically as he felt big clumsy hands grope at his hips. Or maybe that was just it-he didn’t have a “pretty” face like Kurama did, but he-he had hips…
And there was something hard, pressing down on something hard, between his hips.
He’d always known that practically ever other thing that shot out of Kuwabara’s mouth was pure shit.
“I’m not your couch cushion!” he growled as Kuwabara’s arms crushed round his, Kuwabara’s hips began to grind into his, sending him sinking deep into the couch. The man above him eased, shifted weight, and he was able to at least get his legs out from underneath.
Which of course made other things shift, altering the pressure-he gasped loudly. All he’d meant was to fuck arou-“Oh!”
“Uh!” Kuwabara replied, squeezing his hips harder.
Shit, and if he-and he’d nothing to change into here-one hand slithered down, undid his belt, undid his pants, which eh started wriggling out of-
He cried out, hissed, cold metal of a button, denim stretched over rock hard pressure on his cock. Kuwabara humped him harder, he began to chew on the psychic’s ear, figuring that if he was going to bruise, that oaf ought to bleed…
“A-AH!” Hiei wrapped his legs round Kuwabara’s lest the go flying any which way while he all but disappeared into the couch, digging his knees into Kuwabara’s thighs, wondering when next he could breathe.
“Aw-shi…”
A snarl: “Urnh!!!”
“OW!”-Hiei’d bit down on an earlobe.
Both gasped, breathing deeply in, out, in, out. And then Hiei coughed. “You’re crushing my sternum,” he growled when Kuwabara tried to rest on top of him.
A sleepy, confused-sounding “Huh?,” then, “Sorry. I’ll-” Thud.
Fall off the couch, apparently. Hiei sat up, stretching his body and looking at the mess on it. His mess; Kuwabara’s pants had stayed on. Well, there was a box of tissues on the coffee table, thank you, Cold-and-Flu-Season.
He was on his feet, pulling his pants up, when Kuwabara rolled over and sat up. “Aw, man … Huh?” Kuwabara flexed his arm, twisted it around so that he could see the magazine page stuck to it. “Poor Yukina’s magazine took a beating, huh?” He pulled it off, paced it on the coffee table. “She’s going to be home soon,” he said, standing up. “I’m going to take a shower. Do you-?” He frowned, touched his neck, looked at the liquid on his fingers, touched his neck again, slid his hand up-
“Oh, you fucker, you made me bleed!”
Hiei considered his arms, lifted up his shirt and pulled down his pants a little, appraising the matching bruises on his hips. “Knew you were a pervert,” he muttered. “You’d better not be this rough with Yukina.” He’d felt that “bone” against him, wasn’t going to try imagining it inside of him.
“Ew-I told you…”
Hiei looked at the screen door. “Your sister’s going to kill you.”
“Aw, it’ll fix. She used to throw me through that at least once a week.” The psychic shrugged. “Well. Shower. What’re you doing?”
On the other side of the couch, he could see the leftover peach buns Kurama had bought him, spilled on the other floor thanks to Mr. “I am not that way”.
“Kurama’s on a weird health-food kick. I’m staying for dinner,” he said, teeth showing as he smiled, like barb. “You stupid, human scum.”
Kuwabara gave him a weird look, then shrugged and turned away. “Fuck you, Hiei,” he called on his way down the hall.
Right. He rubbed the ridge of his pelvis tenderly, then glanced at the kitchen sink.
His clothes were clean enough, but he sweat, too.
***
Must have been some study session, Hiei thought, hearing the click of a key turning in Kurama’s front door. He’d eaten with the Kuwabara’s and his sister (who now had garnet nails), done some after-dinner sparring to smooth over this afternoon (sort of-and was wearing some fresher bruises now, about as many as he’d given, too), and come into the apartment through an open window-an hour ago.
The door opened, and his friend walked in, a little stiff-legged. Hah! Hiei thought-He fucking knew it.
“Hello,” Kurama told him, setting down his things and taking off his coat. “Have you eaten?”
“Earlier,” he replied as Kurama walked past him into the kitchen.
“I haven’t yet.”
Hiei watched what he pulled out to eat, grimaced and was glad he hadn’t wanted to eat with him. The stuff looked worse than-“Cottage cheese does the same job,” he said when Kurama sat down with whatever it was.
“What?”
“You-” He shrugged. “I … read it in a magazine.”
“You were bored; I’m sorry.” Now Kurama gave him a different sort of confused look. “Did you get in a fight?”
He’d changed out of the clothes he wore earlier, and was now wearing a sleeveless shirt; Kurama had noticed the bruises on his arms. “Practice, with Kuwabara,” he said with a straight face. Kurama could look at him as pensively, could interpret it any way that he wanted.
So he thought.
Until green eyes shot wide open in shock, and Hiei’s followed suit, in horror.
Stupid, fucking, prying, puzzle-solving Fox, not that way!
“Hiei?!” Kurama exclaimed, even as the demon of that name tore over the couch and be-lined for the bathroom, locking the door behind him.
“Shut the fuck up and go read on of your stupid human magazines!” he yelled through the door.
“Oh, you mean one of my stupid ‘human scum’ magazines? Tell me, Hiei, smooth face or stubble?!”
By the way,
1. Due to its length, I also posted this on both the fanfiction sites, if you would like to R&R there,
2. After writing this I realized that in the title is a subtle theme that hid even from me. Take human scum and move the spacing down one to the right. Hah!
3. This is the first fic written by me, aged 20. My birthday was three days ago, on the 28th. It was also the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, and Mel Brookes's birthday as well.
So as I said in the entry right before this one, this is not the strangest pairing the Vampire Hunter D/Alucard/Indiana Jones hat saw fit to give me. Pairings more befitting of that title, in my opinion, include:
Yukina/Bankotsu
Naraku/Yomi
InuYasha/Mukuro
Yomi/Sensui
I think the hat had something special in mind for Yomi, wouldn't you agree?