calm
well, ive been a bit depressed lately.
it seems like when i lay out - i have a tan but i also get a high of confidence and productiveness. its strange.
thats one of the things i have always struggled with, feeling insecure when im not tan.
cricket finally spoke to me. he didnt have much to say really, but i think its a step in the right direction. i want to be friends with him, i love being around him. i hope we will be close someday.
me and beau are in a good place. its finally just good with us. im so happy about that.
therapy today was hard, we touched on the subject of my dad.
she wants me to forgive him, let go, and stop wishing he was different.
to forgive and detach. in order to change my patterns with men, & have any chance of sustaining a healthy relationship in the future, i need to do these things. not for his benefit, but for mine. forgive and detach-
mentally, emotionally, and hopefully close to follow, physically.
it was hard to talk about, im not sure how to forgive him. i dont really even understand the concept of forgiveness. hopefully one day soon i will be able to do so.
im supposed to make a list of things i do not want, and will not tolerate in a relationship. so its easier to know when to cut someone off. if you make a list of things you do want, then it complicates and blurs things because you think... oh i found someone who has all these good things, but then you may lower standards on other things. if i make a list of stuff i wont tolerate, then it will be easier for me to detach, to be strong, to cut off unhealthy relationships when they present themselves.
i told her that im very fueled by will power and boundaries i set for myself. so if i make a visible list of things i do not want, if i see any sign of it, i will force myself to cut them off, instead of ignoring and continuing because of feelings. most times i know that about myself so i purposely dont make any set rules. its self destructive to be that way.
i was raised in an environment that now, i have to completely do a 180 on what i normally am attracted to.
by nature, i am going to like men that remind me of male rolemodels in my life. since my father/male figures are nothing that in my right mind i would want to subject myself to, so i have to go against nature, and delve into logic. hence: the list.
im no longer longing for a relationship. im not even ready to meet that perfect man anyway, at this stage in my life it would be unfair to subject a man to me and my lifestyle. i have so many things i need to work on.
even if i met that perfect man tomorrow, i would ruin it immediately because i just am not ready.
i have no steady job, i have financial problems, i live with my parents, im transitioning into being less co-dependent, i struggle with manic depression and anxiety, i have personas that i still put on when im out in public or meet someone new, i am afraid to be loved, im afraid to be appreciated, im afraid of saying i love you, im afraid of saying thank you, im afraid of being attached, im afraid of being myself, im afraid of being cheated on and lied to, there is so many things in this world i cannot handle yet. i hope that when i am, i meet someone who is just as stable as me.
my therapist asked me " have you ever dated someone who has their shit together? is independent? unfaltering in their love, care, and compassion for you? straight forward with their feelings? " i just looked at her and said, "im drawing a blank"
i wouldnt know what that was like, relationships have always been a battle. they have always been tough, draining, and complicated. love for me was equated with war. struggle. just like my mothers relationship with my father, and just like my grandmother with my grandfather.
when i watched the movie "troy",
he says at the end "you have given me peace, in a lifetime of war"
this touched me so deeply.
that is what im looking for.
someone who it is easy to be with, easy to love, easy to understand.
someone who puts me at peace, when all i have known was war.
it seems like when i lay out - i have a tan but i also get a high of confidence and productiveness. its strange.
thats one of the things i have always struggled with, feeling insecure when im not tan.
cricket finally spoke to me. he didnt have much to say really, but i think its a step in the right direction. i want to be friends with him, i love being around him. i hope we will be close someday.
me and beau are in a good place. its finally just good with us. im so happy about that.
therapy today was hard, we touched on the subject of my dad.
she wants me to forgive him, let go, and stop wishing he was different.
to forgive and detach. in order to change my patterns with men, & have any chance of sustaining a healthy relationship in the future, i need to do these things. not for his benefit, but for mine. forgive and detach-
mentally, emotionally, and hopefully close to follow, physically.
it was hard to talk about, im not sure how to forgive him. i dont really even understand the concept of forgiveness. hopefully one day soon i will be able to do so.
im supposed to make a list of things i do not want, and will not tolerate in a relationship. so its easier to know when to cut someone off. if you make a list of things you do want, then it complicates and blurs things because you think... oh i found someone who has all these good things, but then you may lower standards on other things. if i make a list of stuff i wont tolerate, then it will be easier for me to detach, to be strong, to cut off unhealthy relationships when they present themselves.
i told her that im very fueled by will power and boundaries i set for myself. so if i make a visible list of things i do not want, if i see any sign of it, i will force myself to cut them off, instead of ignoring and continuing because of feelings. most times i know that about myself so i purposely dont make any set rules. its self destructive to be that way.
i was raised in an environment that now, i have to completely do a 180 on what i normally am attracted to.
by nature, i am going to like men that remind me of male rolemodels in my life. since my father/male figures are nothing that in my right mind i would want to subject myself to, so i have to go against nature, and delve into logic. hence: the list.
im no longer longing for a relationship. im not even ready to meet that perfect man anyway, at this stage in my life it would be unfair to subject a man to me and my lifestyle. i have so many things i need to work on.
even if i met that perfect man tomorrow, i would ruin it immediately because i just am not ready.
i have no steady job, i have financial problems, i live with my parents, im transitioning into being less co-dependent, i struggle with manic depression and anxiety, i have personas that i still put on when im out in public or meet someone new, i am afraid to be loved, im afraid to be appreciated, im afraid of saying i love you, im afraid of saying thank you, im afraid of being attached, im afraid of being myself, im afraid of being cheated on and lied to, there is so many things in this world i cannot handle yet. i hope that when i am, i meet someone who is just as stable as me.
my therapist asked me " have you ever dated someone who has their shit together? is independent? unfaltering in their love, care, and compassion for you? straight forward with their feelings? " i just looked at her and said, "im drawing a blank"
i wouldnt know what that was like, relationships have always been a battle. they have always been tough, draining, and complicated. love for me was equated with war. struggle. just like my mothers relationship with my father, and just like my grandmother with my grandfather.
when i watched the movie "troy",
he says at the end "you have given me peace, in a lifetime of war"
this touched me so deeply.
that is what im looking for.
someone who it is easy to be with, easy to love, easy to understand.
someone who puts me at peace, when all i have known was war.