what i wrote to him. just now.
im not sure if you even care anymore to hear what i have to say. i know i said id call, but i know when i hear your voice, i wont want to be mad at you anymore and i wont tell you what i need to tell you.
first let me say, i hope your doing amazing back in west palm, if your there. i vaguely remember you telling me you were moving back, so i hope that is working out.
i hope your also still sober.
i had a huge letter i wrote a few weeks back that i was going to send, but its just too long, and i want to be more simplistic, just know that there are alot of reasons why i need to stay away from you for now and possibly for a long while, but every other day i stop and wonder how you are, miss you, and want to call or text you, regardless of everything.
heres some parts of the letter i think you should hear...
'i thought you knew that when your around i am not able to be just friends. i thought you understood that my feelings never go away.
i wanted you to come visit, so bad. but when you sat there and threatened me, said maybe you wont get on the plane just because of some girl your dating, and that i try and ruin things with every girlfriend you have, which is so far from the truth... something just went nuts inside me. all my anger and jealousy just came out all at once. i couldnt stop shaking and crying and hitting things. i had bruises on my hands from that night for a week. and that isnt healthy for me to be around, even if you make me the happiest person most times, your someone who knows you can get me that low whenever you feel like it, and do.'
'you should know i dont fuck around and have pretend boyfriends, and play games and "keep it fiesty". i only act fiesty and rude to people i dont trust, i dont care about, or i am testing out to see if they are worth my time. that is a front of mine that i put up to protect myself.
so if that is what you are attracted to, im sorry, but that isnt the me your going to get if we ever got back together.
im loving, caring, i get attached and jealous, and yes im hot headed, sarcastic, a smart ass, and sometimes a bitch, but for the most part if i love someone, im going to do everything i can for them without hesitation.
that scares you and thats where we end.
i understand this, but i had always hoped you would one day change, and appreciate how much i care and have been through with you. sometimes I think you do, and other times, i feel like were back to square one. '
'but i want you to know, you once made me smile more than anyone i had ever known, made my heart jump when you called, made me feel safe when i laid with you, made me laugh just by how youd look at me, helped me want to be a more independant and productive person, taught me many things about myself and life, and made me happy to be alive when i woke up in the morning, because i knew i had a friendship, and a love for someone that was rare and I felt special to be loved back by someone so beautiful as you.
this all sounds crazy, and insincere to you, but its as true as it gets, so believe it.
i love you, the real you, not the front that everyone else loves, not the lies you tell me to try and make you look better, the real beau, even if you had no money, no car, one set of clothes, and your grandad and dad didnt have any money, boats, planes, or mansions. even if you had a drug addiction that you got over, cried to me about your problems, went to therapy, even if you weighed as much as the day i met you, and even if you weighed as much as you do now.'
this pretty much sums most of what i feel up.
if you want to know, im doing well, ive been talking to that chris kid (the one i dated last year) b/c him and his gf broke up again, whatever, i doubt it will go anywhere. im coming home for 2 1/2 weeks during the summer and possibly moving back right after that but i havent decided.
maybe when im home for the summer, or when i move back, we can try and be friends again. but for right now, its just too much.
i love you and miss you, but im sure you know that.
-alii
I DONT CONSIDER THIS NO LONGER SOBER, HES BLOCKED SO HE CANT WRITE BACK.
first let me say, i hope your doing amazing back in west palm, if your there. i vaguely remember you telling me you were moving back, so i hope that is working out.
i hope your also still sober.
i had a huge letter i wrote a few weeks back that i was going to send, but its just too long, and i want to be more simplistic, just know that there are alot of reasons why i need to stay away from you for now and possibly for a long while, but every other day i stop and wonder how you are, miss you, and want to call or text you, regardless of everything.
heres some parts of the letter i think you should hear...
'i thought you knew that when your around i am not able to be just friends. i thought you understood that my feelings never go away.
i wanted you to come visit, so bad. but when you sat there and threatened me, said maybe you wont get on the plane just because of some girl your dating, and that i try and ruin things with every girlfriend you have, which is so far from the truth... something just went nuts inside me. all my anger and jealousy just came out all at once. i couldnt stop shaking and crying and hitting things. i had bruises on my hands from that night for a week. and that isnt healthy for me to be around, even if you make me the happiest person most times, your someone who knows you can get me that low whenever you feel like it, and do.'
'you should know i dont fuck around and have pretend boyfriends, and play games and "keep it fiesty". i only act fiesty and rude to people i dont trust, i dont care about, or i am testing out to see if they are worth my time. that is a front of mine that i put up to protect myself.
so if that is what you are attracted to, im sorry, but that isnt the me your going to get if we ever got back together.
im loving, caring, i get attached and jealous, and yes im hot headed, sarcastic, a smart ass, and sometimes a bitch, but for the most part if i love someone, im going to do everything i can for them without hesitation.
that scares you and thats where we end.
i understand this, but i had always hoped you would one day change, and appreciate how much i care and have been through with you. sometimes I think you do, and other times, i feel like were back to square one. '
'but i want you to know, you once made me smile more than anyone i had ever known, made my heart jump when you called, made me feel safe when i laid with you, made me laugh just by how youd look at me, helped me want to be a more independant and productive person, taught me many things about myself and life, and made me happy to be alive when i woke up in the morning, because i knew i had a friendship, and a love for someone that was rare and I felt special to be loved back by someone so beautiful as you.
this all sounds crazy, and insincere to you, but its as true as it gets, so believe it.
i love you, the real you, not the front that everyone else loves, not the lies you tell me to try and make you look better, the real beau, even if you had no money, no car, one set of clothes, and your grandad and dad didnt have any money, boats, planes, or mansions. even if you had a drug addiction that you got over, cried to me about your problems, went to therapy, even if you weighed as much as the day i met you, and even if you weighed as much as you do now.'
this pretty much sums most of what i feel up.
if you want to know, im doing well, ive been talking to that chris kid (the one i dated last year) b/c him and his gf broke up again, whatever, i doubt it will go anywhere. im coming home for 2 1/2 weeks during the summer and possibly moving back right after that but i havent decided.
maybe when im home for the summer, or when i move back, we can try and be friends again. but for right now, its just too much.
i love you and miss you, but im sure you know that.
-alii
I DONT CONSIDER THIS NO LONGER SOBER, HES BLOCKED SO HE CANT WRITE BACK.