When it's time to party, we will party hard
Hey, hockey is back, and it's Alex Ovechkin's 26th birthday. Awesome. In honor of that, I'm cleaning out a bunch of g-chat discussions I have had with flidgetjerome about the team and the dude, and some soccer thrown in. There's also a bunk of non-hockey links at the end for anyone who just wants to skip there.
Regretfully, I had most of these conversations with Flidget back in the winter, so they're now outdated in terms of still retaining several players mentioned. But hey, might as well still speak affectionately of Varly and Fehrsy and Arnott and Brads before the season truly starts and they have to become the enemy. Here we go.
***
twigcollins: "NHLPA gives final blessing to NHL's new head shot rule." Wow, hockey's a lot more violent than I remember.
ThorneScratch: See, when I went to the game the other night, my cousin was all disappointed because no one got into a down and out fight.
Him: I remember when they didn't actually play with helmets. God, I miss that.
Me: Uh... 'kay.
twigcollins: Yeah. Jeez. Back in the days when they released live bears onto the ice.
ThorneScratch: Nowadays, they just send a blindfolded Vladimir Putin out there, with a gun that has two bullets in it. Spin him around a couple times to disorient him, and then let 'im rip.
***
ThorneScratch: Speaking of nicknames, I am very glad that our city's team has not one but two players whose names are so similar to the word "semen" that you can get away with countless immature jokes.
twigcollins: Snerk. See, I am constantly amazed that there is someone in the government named "Dick Army." That never, ever gets old to me. Wow.
ThorneScratch: ...Dick Army. Dude.
twigcollins: Dick Army!
ThorneScratch: A real American hero. (Coincidentally, also the nickname of one of our players. Real American Hero, I mean, not Dick Army.)
ThorneScratch: "Semin all over the ice tonight!"
"Semin exploding everywhere!"
"Semin in the five hole!"
twigcollins: Oh God, the announcers must pay each other. Or do a drinking game.
ThorneScratch: Well, the funny thing is, one of the other players accidentally let it slip in a live interview that they call him "Jizz."
twigcollins: SNORK. Hee hee hee. I love how no one ever grows up.
***
Flidget: Okay, as you are drunk I need to ask you a serious question:
Is it me or is that picture of the little girl utterly disturbing?
ThorneScratch: WTF. Is this a sex site I'm going to get arrested for accessing? Because that was my first thought when I saw the pic.
Flidget: OKAY GOOD.
ThorneScratch: Wait, is this A CANADIAN SEX ACT?
Flidget: It's actually A CANADIAN DONUT. Or, I dunno, fried Canadian pastry good.
ThorneScratch: No, no, you are right. It is definitely disturbing.
Flidget: It worries me when entire ad agency teams work to put these things together. It means multiple people thought that picture was a great idea to promote delicious deep-fried pastries.
ThorneScratch: I find it worrisome as well! ...though also, it may just be my Americaness, but the words "beaver-tails" do not immediately signify deliciousness to me.
Flidget: But it's fried, Thorne! It's deep-fried! Surely that must appeal to your Americaness!
ThorneScratch: Yes but to me, beaver is always a sexual term! And I don't like deep frying my genitals, Flidget. I just don't.
Oh, I earwormed Louise tonight. I should hit you with the same video.
Flidget: Don't. Don't, or I'll hit you with the Canada Song
ThorneScratch: Which one? I might've heard it
Flidget: Not unless it's the Bangra version
ThorneScratch: Man, I gotta confess. It took me an EMBARRASSINGLY long time to realize "O Canada" has French in it. To be fair, the only times I tend to hear that anthem are during the Olympics and occasional hockey games, and I tend to be pretty drunk during both of those.
Flidget: The thing is everyone mumbles through their national anthem. You'd think professional athletes knew the words since they're sung before games, but no, they're all just hopelessly mouthing too
ThorneScratch: There's been some pretty hilarious clips of them. Like, there's one of the US relay team where they're all trying to sing along at different paces. They all look stoned.
Flidget: Is this winter relay? Because I gotta say, my general impression of winter athletes now is, "kinda stoned".
ThorneScratch: No, it's the summer swimming guys. But they WERE in Canada for a FINA meet. So I assume they had just been rocking the ganja. And yeah, I think all the snowboarders have a required stoned level.
Flidget: They should test at the Olympics for drugs in a different way. If you're not stoned enough, you're disqualified for not competing under a sufficient handicap.
ThorneScratch: Seriously, man. If anything, Phelps deserved a bonus for being willing to take a performance dehancing drug and still kicking ass.
Flidget: If Bode Miller could go clean, it'd probably turn out he's got superpowers.
...Wikipedia says he's dating a professional log roller.
... ...you can do that professionally?
ThorneScratch: I guess so! He has a kid now. I'm amazed his sperm managed to find the egg. I kinda see them veering wildly around like Bode himself, ending up in the oddest places. Like, chatting up the gallbladder.
Flidget: I'm just looking at the citations on his wikipedia page and I love how, like, half of them are from early 2010 being all "dude, he suuuuucks." Seriously, guys, he probably performed so well just to piss you off.
ThorneScratch: Just to fuck with people.
Flidget: He certainly fucked with us. We were expecting him to invent the new sport of "avoid the Bode snow katamari." Instead, he goes and wins himself gold medals, the bastard. He should try the ultimate challenge. Skiing on melted snow, at the Summer Olympics.
...Aaaaaaaaaaah motherfucker. They've reinstated John Terry as England captain, what the hell. Because that worked out so well during the World Cup last year.
ThorneScratch: Does he look good in a suit? Man, as long as it's not Wayne Rooney.
Flidget: He does look good in a suit. Like a cockney gangster cleaned up. My problem with him is more he's STILL a horrible pick for Captain because he slept with his team-mate's baby-mama.
ThorneScratch: ...Ho-shit son. That ain't cool.
Oh, just to go back to Bode for a sec, and to tie into hockey, this is a lot like how I expected we'd see Bode Miller curling.
Flidget: It was, at time of the world cup, about a 50/50 division between the team as to whether he should be reinstated as captain or kicked off the team all-together.
Oh my. I am disappointed he didn't try to use his team-mate to score a goal. Just shot him in with the puck.
ThorneScratch: It was more the shoveling him off to the side. "GET OFF THE ICE, WE'RE ALREADY FACING A POWERPLAY."
So, did Terry bribe a lot of people to keep from being kicked off?
Flidget: Um, no, he... it was a mess. It was messy. The mess unto which all messes seem way less of a deal. It wasn't France levels of 'a mess', mind.
ThorneScratch: So, John Terry didn't try to, like, choke anyone or scream at a coach like the French. No one got headbutted.
Flidget: No, no, and no. He did try to stage a rebellion mid-Cup to get his captain's armband back, but he had to back down when his support evaporated out from under him. But the amount of drama he caused fucked with our team cohesion. Anyway, I hate the fucking son-of-a-bitch and am furious he's been made captain again. Not in the least because he's actually making me appreciate David Beckham, and now I feel dirty. Because Beckham was a boring, boring player but a good captain. Everyone felt very inspired by looking at him.
ThorneScratch: I am sorry. I will be outraged on your behalf as well. Just point me in a direction and I will hooligan at them. I hear though, that Posh and Becks, they're finally going back to England? Dare we hope?
Flidget: Actually, that fell through. Tottenham was trying to get him on loan but Galaxy wanted him back. Which, I don't know. Between him and Thierry Henry, the US Men's League is getting a rep as the place that European players go to retire.
ThorneScratch: Given our interest in soccer/football is still something that only happens during the World Cup...
Flidget: Man, we were pretty surprised you actually noticed the World Cup. You didn't do any better or worse than you usually do.
ThorneScratch: We had nothing else going on that summer. You just caught us during a lull. I think it was because we assume we'll be knocked out in the first round anyway. And then we actually were there for more than one game. And it's all, "hey, sweet." Plus, vuvuzuelas. We don't get as down over soccer as England gets since it's not our sport. We go into it assuming we'll lose.
Flidget: The thing is you always get past the group stage. You're... not terrible. Actually, just consistently getting to the Cup is pretty impressive.
ThorneScratch: Yeah but we have that ingrained American thing where if we don't absolutely rock at a sport, it clearly sucks and we have NO TIME FOR IT. We're very silly that way.
Flidget: I just. You don't even rock at a sport. You rig the game. You're the only ones playing most of yours! I will give you hockey. Hockey, other countries actually play.
ThorneScratch: Well, we got Japan into baseball. Also, there's swimming. We're actually quite good there.
Flidget: But Japan's getting increasingly into football. You just. You just need to man up as a country, man. March your heart out onto a field where it can get broken. And learn and grow from that.
ThorneScratch: Basketball is all our thing, yeah. So is our football.
Flidget: Actually, the Philippines loves basketball. Which I blame YOU for.
ThorneScratch: Me personally?
Flidget: Well, you personally, but America in general. You guys tend to, like, to forget you used to have colonies. So you stuck an entire country of tiny Asians with a love for a sport that requires you to be very tall to be good.
ThorneScratch: The thing is, basketball is the thing we all do. Like how in South America everyone plays soccer as a wee kid. We do the same thing, just with basketball. It's what you grow up doing; it's the most likely thing.
Flidget: Honestly, most people respect basketball; it's a cool looking sport.
ThorneScratch: It moves fast and there are a lot of points. People like that. Well, Americans do. We have short attention spans.
Flidget: And hockey, as mentioned, is played by actual other countries.
ThorneScratch: I like hockey because it moves fast AND is violent. And graceful. And lasts forever. Seriously, we start in October and we don't end until June. That's like nine months of the year I have something I can watch, whereas swimming doles it out much more sparingly, and I get the shakes.
Flidget: Football's also a fast sport, it's just a tense one. It's a lot of running but not a lot of scoring. Baseball is just. No one gets baseball. At all. Even people who watch cricket don't get baseball.
ThorneScratch: I freely admit I don't understand baseball. For me, baseball is just an excuse to get drunk in the early afternoon in good weather, and occasionally ogle some dudes.
Flidget: American Football, we sorta get? But what we get is that it isn't rugby. But as cool as basketball looks, I am pretty happy that the Philippines has just this last year finally discovered association football. It's a sport far-better suited to tiny Asians.
ThorneScratch: Yes. Mind you, I still hold we should add bears to more sports. Adding bears makes things interesting.
Flidget: See, hockey players are so kitted-out, there may be bears on the rink already and you've just never noticed.
ThorneScratch: I did send you that commercial where Ovechkin fights bears, right? Actually, our hockey helmets are alarmingly weak.
Flidget: Yes. Also in the absence of bears, the absence should be remedied by making all goal-keepers ursine.
ThorneScratch: ...YES. Oh God yes. The phrase "Pulling the goalie" takes on a whole new dimension. (Running the goalie will go way down, though.)
Flidget: I love that you can do that in hockey. It's like reversing the polarity and diverting all power to forward phasers.
ThorneScratch: Dude, sometimes we even do it on a power play, or in the middle of the game. The announcers get very excited. Though generally it's just the last two minutes when you're throwing everything you got at the other dudes.
***
ThorneScratch: Tell me about football nicknames. How do those work?
Flidget: Weirdly
ThorneScratch: Because in hockey, they basically just grab a chunk of the dude's last name and slap an -ie, -y, -s, or -er on the end. Although that's for the names for players to yell at each other. Which makes sense; you need something short. The famous nicknames arise through other means and can be more of a mouthful. But I want to know football. I am trying to learn here.
Flidget: The problem with soccer is because the player-base is drawn so internationally. It's hard to pin-down a naming system because often that player got their nickname first somewhere else.
ThorneScratch: Ahh.
Flidget: For native English players, I can do tell you that Wayne Rooney is Wazza, because they named him after Paul Gascoigne. Gazza.
ThorneScratch: ...I see?
Flidget: But David Beckham isn't referred to as Becks other than in the context of with his wife, whereupon they're Posh & Becks.
ThorneScratch: So what's he actually called? (Then I will tell you how we settle the issue of having three people named Alex on the same team.)
Flidget: Beckham, mostly?
ThorneScratch: ...oh, boring.
Flidget: I mean, this is England you're talking about. Our louts are still always going to be probably more dignified than your louts.
ThorneScratch: To be fair, the majority of our hockey louts are actually Canadian. The rest are Russian and American, with a healthy helping of Swedes and Finns and Czech and Slovakians, here or there. And the occasional German or Belarusian. See, we have Alex Ovechkin, Alex Semin, and Semyon Alex Varlamov, which makes things fun. (We also have two Jasons, two Johns, two Matts and a Mathieu, two Mikes and a Michal, and two Gordos.)
Flidget: ...Semin. You guys don't chant, do you?
ThorneScratch: OH I'M GETTING TO SEMIN. We do chant, but not well. So Alex Ovechkin becomes Ovi-- actually he has at least nine nicknames, but Ovi is what everyone calls him.
Flidget: For your further education! (For the record, D-Becks never caught on.)
ThorneScratch: (As well it shouldn't.)
Alex Semin gets called Sasha to differentiate him from Alex Ovechkin, who also gets called Sasha, but also is known as Sanja. Semin also gets called Sema; however, that could also be used for Semyon. And I mean, it lends itself to so many jokes. "SEMIN IS ALL OVER THE ICE TONIGHT." "SEMIN IS EXPLODING EVERYWHERE."
And then in an interview some time ago, Matt Bradley forgot he was supposed to be PC, and casually referred to Semin as "Jizz", and Ovechkin did it again in another interview. Semyon Varlamov actually had to get his passport changed because they misspelled it as Semen when we first shipped him over. But everyone mostly calls him Varly. It is a very confusing scrum when they are all together at once. However, Semin pretends not to speak English, even though everyone knows he totally can, so Ovechkin is usually the only one of the Russians who ends up speaking in English to the press, being captain and all that.
Flidget: Man, I would be all, "My name means what now in English?" Then, I would fuck off home.
ThorneScratch: We sometimes recruit these guys from grim looking places. They look like they're coming from detention centers. You put up with a few bodily-fluid-related nicknames.
Flidget: Man, I'd like to note that Ovechkin has the same issues as Beckham where he's quite attractive as long as he doesn't open his mouth. Though in Beckham's case, it's because he's an idiot
ThorneScratch: Oh yes. See, I like the weird look of him. Even with the missing tooth. Are you looking at scruffy or shaved Ovi? He used to never shave; now Gilette forces him to. It is very startling at times to see his chin all smooth.
Flidget: Scruffy. Shaved looks too Bond villain henchman
ThorneScratch: His mom cuts his hair.
Flidget: Doesn't Gillette make trimmers? Because really, shaved versus unshaved Ovechkin isn't a good ad for razors.
ThorneScratch: I think he has a contract, though I dunno. I hope he has a clause for playoff beards. No, I mean, I love the dude because he is always interesting. Always doing something batshit insane.
Flidget: I am reading about his quest to bring soccer-style celebrations to hockey, which, really, you don't have yet? Imagine all the bloodshed that could ensue from six guys trying to manage a spontaneous coordinated dance routine on ice!
ThorneScratch: Mainly, we just have very close group hugs. In American football, you get fined if you showboat too much but yeah, he celebrates every goal like it's his first. Which is kind of endearing. More so because he does the very same thing whenever his teammates score.
Flidget: In association football they're also trying to crack-down on excessive celebrations
ThorneScratch: I mean, you can't really do excessive celebrating in swimming.
Oh, and here he is showing off his junk to his teammate. Not necessarily a celebration, just a way of life.
Flidget: His teammate seems pretty confused by it.
ThorneScratch: That's Mike Green. He always looks confused. It's kind of his thing.
Flidget: I mean, dude got a yellow-card for that but that just makes it more encouraging.
ThorneScratch: Awww. See, I found that kind of cool.
Ovechkin also does the Ovech-leap into the glass when he scores. ...he's broken the glass a couple times, mostly when he's hammering someone else into it. Oh that's another thing. He kisses his glove after every goal because of his dead brother. He has tragic backstory.
Also, I remember when whasherface, Chastain, whipped off her shirt after winning and everyone was OMG.
Flidget: That sure did A LOT for the popularity of women's soccer in the US. You actually care about that way more than anyone else does. Except maybe North Korea
ThorneScratch: Hey man, I am all for hot women whipping off their shirts.
***
You got through all that? Good. Anyway, have some links, so I can close off a bunch of tabs and delete some bookmarks. Fall cleaning and all that.
TV Gourmet: 64 slices of American cheese and 4 other Simpsons-inspired meals. Horrifying and fascinating at the same time. That much cheese, urgh. The Tom Collins pot pie is what really kills it, though.
Comix Recipes. This link from flidgetjerome (who, along with twigcollins and kaitou1412 send me brilliant links every single day). Comic artists draw recipes. Brilliance.
Crazy Things People Do To Ice Cream. Seriously, Ann is the Link Queen. I should just repost her emails. I would eat... I'd say two thirds of the things shown in this slideshow.
The Hawk and Dove bar is closing. And then re-opening. A local link. Ahh, the Hawk and Dove. I'll always remember you as "that bar I was where the guy standing next to me got stabbed." Memories.
Twenty iconic male movie roles in which Helen Mirren would have ruled. What it says on the can. And I would watch every single one of these movies.
David Bowie's 'Space Oddity' Recreated As Children's Book: Read and Listen. Seriously, do play the music while you look at this. The cheerful artwork makes it so much creepier.
National Costumes: Snarky commentary on the 2011 Miss Universe national costumes. Courtesy of Flidget, who summed it up best with "I'd just like to note that I've lived in a good chunk of those countries and I have no fucking clue as to why any of them are wearing what they're wearing." Part of me is horrified, part of me secretly loves, like, half of these and wants to parade around in them.
Drunk Swedish elk found in apple tree near Gothenburg. This is notable because, as I remarked to Twig when she showed me this link and especially the picture, this is basically how I expect to find Bode Miller every other Thursday night.
ThorneScratch: "Honey, get the saw, Bode Miller's drunk and stuck in our apple tree again."
twigcollins: "We heard him bellowing all night until he went away with the faintly clanking sounds of someone else's gold medals."
Vladimir Putin Is Training To Become Batman. sakuranochi sent this to me first, though Flidget was quick on the draw not a couple hours later. Basically, we are all doomed. As is that bear Putin is staring at.
Subterranean Amazon river 'is not a river'. A subterranean river said to be flowing beneath the Amazon region of Brazil is not a river in the conventional sense, even if its existence is confirmed. There's something very zen about this.
Astronomers discover planet made of diamond. Astronomers have spotted an exotic planet that seems to be made of diamond racing around a tiny star in our galactic backyard. relevant especially considering the recent Futurama season finale!
Final Fantasy scented candles. I am… nonplussed. Pluses I have none. Except to think tasteless thoughts about the Sephiroth candle and the smell of burning beloved peasant villages. Okay, I'm curious despite myself, I admit it.
The World's Strangest Houses. Personally, I love the Hobbit house one. Or the pig. Who doesn't want to live in a giant steel pig, eh?
When Will A Gay Pro Athlete Finally Come Out? Fascinating stuff. In addition to the belief stated in the article that it's going to have to be a superstar, I think the implied though not explicitly stated addition to that is it's going to have to be a male. Let's face it, because, if, say, an attractive superstar female athlete came out as gay, the reaction would be different than an attractive superstar male athlete. Hell, take attraction out of the equation, and the gender difference will still be marked.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. I think they should use this as a sobriety test. If you can understand and parse it, you pass. I actually thought the following link was even cooler though, which I reached from the Buffalo one.
The Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den . The Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den is a famous example of constrained writing by Yuen Ren Chao (1892-1982) which consists of 92 characters, all with the sound shi in different tones when read in Mandarin. It is also immediately going into my idea folder, because there has to be a story out there that needs that poem for a title.
Dynamo Minsk’s hockey funeral for the Lokomotiv crash victims. And lastly, to end on a sober note, one of Russia's top KHL teams, Lokomotiv Yaroslavl, was wiped out by a plane crash last week when they were flying to meet Dynamo Minsk for the season opening game. The entire team died, with only one member surviving the initial crash, only to succumb to his massive injuries a few days later. The link is to the memorial funeral that was held for the team, and it's pretty heartbreaking.
There was actually going to be a pic-spam with this-- I keep promising I'll do one, and I actually have it all uploaded and coded-- but I previewed this and the entry is already too so goddamn long, it'll just have to go separately. Also, I need to go to the grocery store. Tally ho.
Regretfully, I had most of these conversations with Flidget back in the winter, so they're now outdated in terms of still retaining several players mentioned. But hey, might as well still speak affectionately of Varly and Fehrsy and Arnott and Brads before the season truly starts and they have to become the enemy. Here we go.
***
twigcollins: "NHLPA gives final blessing to NHL's new head shot rule." Wow, hockey's a lot more violent than I remember.
ThorneScratch: See, when I went to the game the other night, my cousin was all disappointed because no one got into a down and out fight.
Him: I remember when they didn't actually play with helmets. God, I miss that.
Me: Uh... 'kay.
twigcollins: Yeah. Jeez. Back in the days when they released live bears onto the ice.
ThorneScratch: Nowadays, they just send a blindfolded Vladimir Putin out there, with a gun that has two bullets in it. Spin him around a couple times to disorient him, and then let 'im rip.
***
ThorneScratch: Speaking of nicknames, I am very glad that our city's team has not one but two players whose names are so similar to the word "semen" that you can get away with countless immature jokes.
twigcollins: Snerk. See, I am constantly amazed that there is someone in the government named "Dick Army." That never, ever gets old to me. Wow.
ThorneScratch: ...Dick Army. Dude.
twigcollins: Dick Army!
ThorneScratch: A real American hero. (Coincidentally, also the nickname of one of our players. Real American Hero, I mean, not Dick Army.)
ThorneScratch: "Semin all over the ice tonight!"
"Semin exploding everywhere!"
"Semin in the five hole!"
twigcollins: Oh God, the announcers must pay each other. Or do a drinking game.
ThorneScratch: Well, the funny thing is, one of the other players accidentally let it slip in a live interview that they call him "Jizz."
twigcollins: SNORK. Hee hee hee. I love how no one ever grows up.
***
Flidget: Okay, as you are drunk I need to ask you a serious question:
Is it me or is that picture of the little girl utterly disturbing?
ThorneScratch: WTF. Is this a sex site I'm going to get arrested for accessing? Because that was my first thought when I saw the pic.
Flidget: OKAY GOOD.
ThorneScratch: Wait, is this A CANADIAN SEX ACT?
Flidget: It's actually A CANADIAN DONUT. Or, I dunno, fried Canadian pastry good.
ThorneScratch: No, no, you are right. It is definitely disturbing.
Flidget: It worries me when entire ad agency teams work to put these things together. It means multiple people thought that picture was a great idea to promote delicious deep-fried pastries.
ThorneScratch: I find it worrisome as well! ...though also, it may just be my Americaness, but the words "beaver-tails" do not immediately signify deliciousness to me.
Flidget: But it's fried, Thorne! It's deep-fried! Surely that must appeal to your Americaness!
ThorneScratch: Yes but to me, beaver is always a sexual term! And I don't like deep frying my genitals, Flidget. I just don't.
Oh, I earwormed Louise tonight. I should hit you with the same video.
Flidget: Don't. Don't, or I'll hit you with the Canada Song
ThorneScratch: Which one? I might've heard it
Flidget: Not unless it's the Bangra version
ThorneScratch: Man, I gotta confess. It took me an EMBARRASSINGLY long time to realize "O Canada" has French in it. To be fair, the only times I tend to hear that anthem are during the Olympics and occasional hockey games, and I tend to be pretty drunk during both of those.
Flidget: The thing is everyone mumbles through their national anthem. You'd think professional athletes knew the words since they're sung before games, but no, they're all just hopelessly mouthing too
ThorneScratch: There's been some pretty hilarious clips of them. Like, there's one of the US relay team where they're all trying to sing along at different paces. They all look stoned.
Flidget: Is this winter relay? Because I gotta say, my general impression of winter athletes now is, "kinda stoned".
ThorneScratch: No, it's the summer swimming guys. But they WERE in Canada for a FINA meet. So I assume they had just been rocking the ganja. And yeah, I think all the snowboarders have a required stoned level.
Flidget: They should test at the Olympics for drugs in a different way. If you're not stoned enough, you're disqualified for not competing under a sufficient handicap.
ThorneScratch: Seriously, man. If anything, Phelps deserved a bonus for being willing to take a performance dehancing drug and still kicking ass.
Flidget: If Bode Miller could go clean, it'd probably turn out he's got superpowers.
...Wikipedia says he's dating a professional log roller.
... ...you can do that professionally?
ThorneScratch: I guess so! He has a kid now. I'm amazed his sperm managed to find the egg. I kinda see them veering wildly around like Bode himself, ending up in the oddest places. Like, chatting up the gallbladder.
Flidget: I'm just looking at the citations on his wikipedia page and I love how, like, half of them are from early 2010 being all "dude, he suuuuucks." Seriously, guys, he probably performed so well just to piss you off.
ThorneScratch: Just to fuck with people.
Flidget: He certainly fucked with us. We were expecting him to invent the new sport of "avoid the Bode snow katamari." Instead, he goes and wins himself gold medals, the bastard. He should try the ultimate challenge. Skiing on melted snow, at the Summer Olympics.
...Aaaaaaaaaaah motherfucker. They've reinstated John Terry as England captain, what the hell. Because that worked out so well during the World Cup last year.
ThorneScratch: Does he look good in a suit? Man, as long as it's not Wayne Rooney.
Flidget: He does look good in a suit. Like a cockney gangster cleaned up. My problem with him is more he's STILL a horrible pick for Captain because he slept with his team-mate's baby-mama.
ThorneScratch: ...Ho-shit son. That ain't cool.
Oh, just to go back to Bode for a sec, and to tie into hockey, this is a lot like how I expected we'd see Bode Miller curling.
Flidget: It was, at time of the world cup, about a 50/50 division between the team as to whether he should be reinstated as captain or kicked off the team all-together.
Oh my. I am disappointed he didn't try to use his team-mate to score a goal. Just shot him in with the puck.
ThorneScratch: It was more the shoveling him off to the side. "GET OFF THE ICE, WE'RE ALREADY FACING A POWERPLAY."
So, did Terry bribe a lot of people to keep from being kicked off?
Flidget: Um, no, he... it was a mess. It was messy. The mess unto which all messes seem way less of a deal. It wasn't France levels of 'a mess', mind.
ThorneScratch: So, John Terry didn't try to, like, choke anyone or scream at a coach like the French. No one got headbutted.
Flidget: No, no, and no. He did try to stage a rebellion mid-Cup to get his captain's armband back, but he had to back down when his support evaporated out from under him. But the amount of drama he caused fucked with our team cohesion. Anyway, I hate the fucking son-of-a-bitch and am furious he's been made captain again. Not in the least because he's actually making me appreciate David Beckham, and now I feel dirty. Because Beckham was a boring, boring player but a good captain. Everyone felt very inspired by looking at him.
ThorneScratch: I am sorry. I will be outraged on your behalf as well. Just point me in a direction and I will hooligan at them. I hear though, that Posh and Becks, they're finally going back to England? Dare we hope?
Flidget: Actually, that fell through. Tottenham was trying to get him on loan but Galaxy wanted him back. Which, I don't know. Between him and Thierry Henry, the US Men's League is getting a rep as the place that European players go to retire.
ThorneScratch: Given our interest in soccer/football is still something that only happens during the World Cup...
Flidget: Man, we were pretty surprised you actually noticed the World Cup. You didn't do any better or worse than you usually do.
ThorneScratch: We had nothing else going on that summer. You just caught us during a lull. I think it was because we assume we'll be knocked out in the first round anyway. And then we actually were there for more than one game. And it's all, "hey, sweet." Plus, vuvuzuelas. We don't get as down over soccer as England gets since it's not our sport. We go into it assuming we'll lose.
Flidget: The thing is you always get past the group stage. You're... not terrible. Actually, just consistently getting to the Cup is pretty impressive.
ThorneScratch: Yeah but we have that ingrained American thing where if we don't absolutely rock at a sport, it clearly sucks and we have NO TIME FOR IT. We're very silly that way.
Flidget: I just. You don't even rock at a sport. You rig the game. You're the only ones playing most of yours! I will give you hockey. Hockey, other countries actually play.
ThorneScratch: Well, we got Japan into baseball. Also, there's swimming. We're actually quite good there.
Flidget: But Japan's getting increasingly into football. You just. You just need to man up as a country, man. March your heart out onto a field where it can get broken. And learn and grow from that.
ThorneScratch: Basketball is all our thing, yeah. So is our football.
Flidget: Actually, the Philippines loves basketball. Which I blame YOU for.
ThorneScratch: Me personally?
Flidget: Well, you personally, but America in general. You guys tend to, like, to forget you used to have colonies. So you stuck an entire country of tiny Asians with a love for a sport that requires you to be very tall to be good.
ThorneScratch: The thing is, basketball is the thing we all do. Like how in South America everyone plays soccer as a wee kid. We do the same thing, just with basketball. It's what you grow up doing; it's the most likely thing.
Flidget: Honestly, most people respect basketball; it's a cool looking sport.
ThorneScratch: It moves fast and there are a lot of points. People like that. Well, Americans do. We have short attention spans.
Flidget: And hockey, as mentioned, is played by actual other countries.
ThorneScratch: I like hockey because it moves fast AND is violent. And graceful. And lasts forever. Seriously, we start in October and we don't end until June. That's like nine months of the year I have something I can watch, whereas swimming doles it out much more sparingly, and I get the shakes.
Flidget: Football's also a fast sport, it's just a tense one. It's a lot of running but not a lot of scoring. Baseball is just. No one gets baseball. At all. Even people who watch cricket don't get baseball.
ThorneScratch: I freely admit I don't understand baseball. For me, baseball is just an excuse to get drunk in the early afternoon in good weather, and occasionally ogle some dudes.
Flidget: American Football, we sorta get? But what we get is that it isn't rugby. But as cool as basketball looks, I am pretty happy that the Philippines has just this last year finally discovered association football. It's a sport far-better suited to tiny Asians.
ThorneScratch: Yes. Mind you, I still hold we should add bears to more sports. Adding bears makes things interesting.
Flidget: See, hockey players are so kitted-out, there may be bears on the rink already and you've just never noticed.
ThorneScratch: I did send you that commercial where Ovechkin fights bears, right? Actually, our hockey helmets are alarmingly weak.
Flidget: Yes. Also in the absence of bears, the absence should be remedied by making all goal-keepers ursine.
ThorneScratch: ...YES. Oh God yes. The phrase "Pulling the goalie" takes on a whole new dimension. (Running the goalie will go way down, though.)
Flidget: I love that you can do that in hockey. It's like reversing the polarity and diverting all power to forward phasers.
ThorneScratch: Dude, sometimes we even do it on a power play, or in the middle of the game. The announcers get very excited. Though generally it's just the last two minutes when you're throwing everything you got at the other dudes.
***
ThorneScratch: Tell me about football nicknames. How do those work?
Flidget: Weirdly
ThorneScratch: Because in hockey, they basically just grab a chunk of the dude's last name and slap an -ie, -y, -s, or -er on the end. Although that's for the names for players to yell at each other. Which makes sense; you need something short. The famous nicknames arise through other means and can be more of a mouthful. But I want to know football. I am trying to learn here.
Flidget: The problem with soccer is because the player-base is drawn so internationally. It's hard to pin-down a naming system because often that player got their nickname first somewhere else.
ThorneScratch: Ahh.
Flidget: For native English players, I can do tell you that Wayne Rooney is Wazza, because they named him after Paul Gascoigne. Gazza.
ThorneScratch: ...I see?
Flidget: But David Beckham isn't referred to as Becks other than in the context of with his wife, whereupon they're Posh & Becks.
ThorneScratch: So what's he actually called? (Then I will tell you how we settle the issue of having three people named Alex on the same team.)
Flidget: Beckham, mostly?
ThorneScratch: ...oh, boring.
Flidget: I mean, this is England you're talking about. Our louts are still always going to be probably more dignified than your louts.
ThorneScratch: To be fair, the majority of our hockey louts are actually Canadian. The rest are Russian and American, with a healthy helping of Swedes and Finns and Czech and Slovakians, here or there. And the occasional German or Belarusian. See, we have Alex Ovechkin, Alex Semin, and Semyon Alex Varlamov, which makes things fun. (We also have two Jasons, two Johns, two Matts and a Mathieu, two Mikes and a Michal, and two Gordos.)
Flidget: ...Semin. You guys don't chant, do you?
ThorneScratch: OH I'M GETTING TO SEMIN. We do chant, but not well. So Alex Ovechkin becomes Ovi-- actually he has at least nine nicknames, but Ovi is what everyone calls him.
Flidget: For your further education! (For the record, D-Becks never caught on.)
ThorneScratch: (As well it shouldn't.)
Alex Semin gets called Sasha to differentiate him from Alex Ovechkin, who also gets called Sasha, but also is known as Sanja. Semin also gets called Sema; however, that could also be used for Semyon. And I mean, it lends itself to so many jokes. "SEMIN IS ALL OVER THE ICE TONIGHT." "SEMIN IS EXPLODING EVERYWHERE."
And then in an interview some time ago, Matt Bradley forgot he was supposed to be PC, and casually referred to Semin as "Jizz", and Ovechkin did it again in another interview. Semyon Varlamov actually had to get his passport changed because they misspelled it as Semen when we first shipped him over. But everyone mostly calls him Varly. It is a very confusing scrum when they are all together at once. However, Semin pretends not to speak English, even though everyone knows he totally can, so Ovechkin is usually the only one of the Russians who ends up speaking in English to the press, being captain and all that.
Flidget: Man, I would be all, "My name means what now in English?" Then, I would fuck off home.
ThorneScratch: We sometimes recruit these guys from grim looking places. They look like they're coming from detention centers. You put up with a few bodily-fluid-related nicknames.
Flidget: Man, I'd like to note that Ovechkin has the same issues as Beckham where he's quite attractive as long as he doesn't open his mouth. Though in Beckham's case, it's because he's an idiot
ThorneScratch: Oh yes. See, I like the weird look of him. Even with the missing tooth. Are you looking at scruffy or shaved Ovi? He used to never shave; now Gilette forces him to. It is very startling at times to see his chin all smooth.
Flidget: Scruffy. Shaved looks too Bond villain henchman
ThorneScratch: His mom cuts his hair.
Flidget: Doesn't Gillette make trimmers? Because really, shaved versus unshaved Ovechkin isn't a good ad for razors.
ThorneScratch: I think he has a contract, though I dunno. I hope he has a clause for playoff beards. No, I mean, I love the dude because he is always interesting. Always doing something batshit insane.
Flidget: I am reading about his quest to bring soccer-style celebrations to hockey, which, really, you don't have yet? Imagine all the bloodshed that could ensue from six guys trying to manage a spontaneous coordinated dance routine on ice!
ThorneScratch: Mainly, we just have very close group hugs. In American football, you get fined if you showboat too much but yeah, he celebrates every goal like it's his first. Which is kind of endearing. More so because he does the very same thing whenever his teammates score.
Flidget: In association football they're also trying to crack-down on excessive celebrations
ThorneScratch: I mean, you can't really do excessive celebrating in swimming.
Oh, and here he is showing off his junk to his teammate. Not necessarily a celebration, just a way of life.
Flidget: His teammate seems pretty confused by it.
ThorneScratch: That's Mike Green. He always looks confused. It's kind of his thing.
Flidget: I mean, dude got a yellow-card for that but that just makes it more encouraging.
ThorneScratch: Awww. See, I found that kind of cool.
Ovechkin also does the Ovech-leap into the glass when he scores. ...he's broken the glass a couple times, mostly when he's hammering someone else into it. Oh that's another thing. He kisses his glove after every goal because of his dead brother. He has tragic backstory.
Also, I remember when whasherface, Chastain, whipped off her shirt after winning and everyone was OMG.
Flidget: That sure did A LOT for the popularity of women's soccer in the US. You actually care about that way more than anyone else does. Except maybe North Korea
ThorneScratch: Hey man, I am all for hot women whipping off their shirts.
***
You got through all that? Good. Anyway, have some links, so I can close off a bunch of tabs and delete some bookmarks. Fall cleaning and all that.
TV Gourmet: 64 slices of American cheese and 4 other Simpsons-inspired meals. Horrifying and fascinating at the same time. That much cheese, urgh. The Tom Collins pot pie is what really kills it, though.
Comix Recipes. This link from flidgetjerome (who, along with twigcollins and kaitou1412 send me brilliant links every single day). Comic artists draw recipes. Brilliance.
Crazy Things People Do To Ice Cream. Seriously, Ann is the Link Queen. I should just repost her emails. I would eat... I'd say two thirds of the things shown in this slideshow.
The Hawk and Dove bar is closing. And then re-opening. A local link. Ahh, the Hawk and Dove. I'll always remember you as "that bar I was where the guy standing next to me got stabbed." Memories.
Twenty iconic male movie roles in which Helen Mirren would have ruled. What it says on the can. And I would watch every single one of these movies.
David Bowie's 'Space Oddity' Recreated As Children's Book: Read and Listen. Seriously, do play the music while you look at this. The cheerful artwork makes it so much creepier.
National Costumes: Snarky commentary on the 2011 Miss Universe national costumes. Courtesy of Flidget, who summed it up best with "I'd just like to note that I've lived in a good chunk of those countries and I have no fucking clue as to why any of them are wearing what they're wearing." Part of me is horrified, part of me secretly loves, like, half of these and wants to parade around in them.
Drunk Swedish elk found in apple tree near Gothenburg. This is notable because, as I remarked to Twig when she showed me this link and especially the picture, this is basically how I expect to find Bode Miller every other Thursday night.
ThorneScratch: "Honey, get the saw, Bode Miller's drunk and stuck in our apple tree again."
twigcollins: "We heard him bellowing all night until he went away with the faintly clanking sounds of someone else's gold medals."
Vladimir Putin Is Training To Become Batman. sakuranochi sent this to me first, though Flidget was quick on the draw not a couple hours later. Basically, we are all doomed. As is that bear Putin is staring at.
Subterranean Amazon river 'is not a river'. A subterranean river said to be flowing beneath the Amazon region of Brazil is not a river in the conventional sense, even if its existence is confirmed. There's something very zen about this.
Astronomers discover planet made of diamond. Astronomers have spotted an exotic planet that seems to be made of diamond racing around a tiny star in our galactic backyard. relevant especially considering the recent Futurama season finale!
Final Fantasy scented candles. I am… nonplussed. Pluses I have none. Except to think tasteless thoughts about the Sephiroth candle and the smell of burning beloved peasant villages. Okay, I'm curious despite myself, I admit it.
The World's Strangest Houses. Personally, I love the Hobbit house one. Or the pig. Who doesn't want to live in a giant steel pig, eh?
When Will A Gay Pro Athlete Finally Come Out? Fascinating stuff. In addition to the belief stated in the article that it's going to have to be a superstar, I think the implied though not explicitly stated addition to that is it's going to have to be a male. Let's face it, because, if, say, an attractive superstar female athlete came out as gay, the reaction would be different than an attractive superstar male athlete. Hell, take attraction out of the equation, and the gender difference will still be marked.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. I think they should use this as a sobriety test. If you can understand and parse it, you pass. I actually thought the following link was even cooler though, which I reached from the Buffalo one.
The Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den . The Lion-Eating Poet in the Stone Den is a famous example of constrained writing by Yuen Ren Chao (1892-1982) which consists of 92 characters, all with the sound shi in different tones when read in Mandarin. It is also immediately going into my idea folder, because there has to be a story out there that needs that poem for a title.
Dynamo Minsk’s hockey funeral for the Lokomotiv crash victims. And lastly, to end on a sober note, one of Russia's top KHL teams, Lokomotiv Yaroslavl, was wiped out by a plane crash last week when they were flying to meet Dynamo Minsk for the season opening game. The entire team died, with only one member surviving the initial crash, only to succumb to his massive injuries a few days later. The link is to the memorial funeral that was held for the team, and it's pretty heartbreaking.
There was actually going to be a pic-spam with this-- I keep promising I'll do one, and I actually have it all uploaded and coded-- but I previewed this and the entry is already too so goddamn long, it'll just have to go separately. Also, I need to go to the grocery store. Tally ho.