You got the teeth of the hydra upon you
This is a little late to the table, but. Okay, like. I feel it is a cruel and unjust world that I must wake up some mornings and be immediately confronted with headlines like "TOM CRUISE PLANS TO EAT BOTH PLACENTA AND UMBILICAL CORD OF NEWBORN BABY".
I mean, for fuck's sake. I can barely handle that stuff when I'm at my best, let alone just woken up. Words cannot describe the world-weariness implicit in this sentence. It isn't even the actual idea and mental image of Tom Cruise eating a placenta, it is merely that those words are all in the same sentence.
At work, I often write up briefs to have on hand for when physicians call, so that I can pretty much read it right off the page and not have to access a dozen webpages while juggling the phone. This can be unfortunate because I sometimes forget that I have written personal commentary into the briefs, only to come to a rude rediscovery when I'm rattling off whatever's on the page without looking ahead.
"Workshop is structured to provide insight into the physical principles of magnetic resonance and computed tomography in cardiovascular imaging (CVI), current clinical applications of CMR and CT and hands-on experience with clinical cases. Focus on instrumentation, principles of contrast mechanism and imaging protocols. Cardiac and vascular imaging strategies are presented, focused evaluations of cardiac morphology and function is highlighted. Applications include congenital and ischemic heart disease, valvular disease, coronary artery and plaque imaging. Imaging of the great and visceral vessels, extracranial arterial disease and MR and CT venography is presented. Peripheral vascular disease, including the aorta and the more distal vessels is covered extensively oh sweet merciful Christ if I write any more about this than my brainmeats will explode out my ears. Uh. I mean. Just a sec, doctor."
Actually, this has happened to me, sort of. The brain bit, I mean. Back at the beginning of the year, I was feeling sick and fretful but there was that trip to Notre Dame I had to do. And I had to go to the doctor to make sure I didn't have something highly contagious. The doctor told me I was probably going to be fine, but after she looked in my ears she said to watch out in the next few days for my sinuses pulling something big.
“You may experience some gooshing,” the doctor told me in a very matter of fact tone, indicating that gooshing was a scientific term in high respect, a normal thing to be taken as such.
"Gooshing?" I asked. My experience with things gooshing, particularly if they are gooshing out of me, is that it is nearly always bad.
"Gooshing," she confirmed.
And that night after my shower, boy did I goosh. There was a very peculiar sensation and then all this crap came out of my ear, in a variety of colors and consistency. I swear to God, I had a few moment's panic that every inappropriate thought I'd ever had-- and let's face it, I've had a lot-- had coalesced as matter on the physical plane, and that my brain simply could not take it and was hastily evacuating them as quickly as possible. Either that, or it was a massive build-up of tamped-down rage and spite being released, although you'd think that would come out a different opening.
But that's all in the past now, and I'm rather happy that it didn't happen on the airplane because I understand folks get twitchy if their seatmate is actively dripping bodily fluids from any orifice. I've blown an eardrum before, back when I was younger, and this was actually far easier.
***
I try to look in on whatever's going on in the swimming world. Ian Thorpe and Lee Furlong are apparently not dating after all. I was looking at pictures from some Speedo party, and I love how surprised Michael looks as Amanda is grabbing his ass. And dude, is there some law that all swimmers get whacked-out hair eventually? Ian Crocker has become a genuine hippy. Not to mention their bizarre fashion taste. But I suppose it's asking a bit much to demand good fashion from people who hang around without their clothes on most of the day.
Oh, and the most recent 20 Questions thing--
What’s your relationship with Ian Crocker like?
Michael: I think the relationship that we have is great, the closeness that we have you can see in “Unfiltered”, where we are playing video games on the shoot - that’s how we are, just two normal guys who are close, and have gotten closer since the Olympics due to a lot of appearances we do together, as well as swimming the same event. I get along with him very well, and he’s now one of [my] best friends.
What’s your favorite board game ever?
Michael: Probably Monopoly or Scattegories. I’m all right at both. I wouldn’t say (laughs) I’m “good,” though!
Totally called that Monopoly thing. Now if only I could find the damn entry where I left that WIP.
***
As would be expected, I bought Brokeback Mountain on DVD a while ago. (And for some reason, it was being displayed right next to the Narnia DVD which is some kind of crossover hell, especially if you decided to buy both at the same time. There's a joke to be made here about closets, but it is probably not worth it.)
Also, as Twig pointed out, it's kind of weird that apart from the main cover, the scenes they chose weren't necessarily of the two male characters as a couple, but of them either on their own, in embraces with their respective spouses, or together but not in any romantic pose. I mean, I can think of much more memorable scenes that I would have chosen.
***
Sometimes I say stuff, and sometimes other people say stuff, and sometimes I say stuff to other people, and-- here's the real kicker-- sometimes they say stuff back.
ThorneScratch: And now this Dirge shit.
twigcollins: ...ew. I feel like I'm watching movers take all my furniture and play demolition derby with it in my living room.
twigcollins:"No, ma'am, we got that--“ *smash*"
twigcollins:"Absolutely, ma'am, we'll be care-- whoa.” *crack*
twigcollins:"Hey, watch how far I can throw this plat-- I mean... uh... hee hee."
ThorneScratch: You know what, you're totally describing “Honest Zack and Reno's Moving Crew”. Possibly, Honest Seifer is involved there too. I love how sketchy organizations always put that "Honest" in. Like, you know it has to be the complete opposite if they put it in.
twigcollins: God, no kidding. And like, Reno would get the brilliant idea to sell tacos out of the back of the truck at the same time. So there'd be refried beans over everything.
twigcollins: Reno: Uhhhhh.... ole.
ThorneScratch: And Zack wears an enormous sombrero. And once the cops come, a fake mustache, too.
ThorneScratch:"Zack no es aqui. Me llamo Juan. Juan."
twigcollins: They’d hire a mariachi band. Zack probably hires one for many, many unnecessary occasions. God, he'd hire them to get Seph out of bed.
ThorneScratch: The mariachi band is third on Zack's speed-dial. Sephiroth is first. The really good buffalo wings place is second. Reno only merited fourth.
twigcollins: Well, usually Reno doesn't have his phone. Usually it's with a hooker. Or in a fish tank. Inside an octopus.
twigcollins: They’d set Tseng's ringtone to the orgasm from "When Harry Met Sally".
twigcollins: Rufus: We're allocating how much more to the ammunition budget?
twigcollins: Tseng: And I need a bigger gun. Is that thing in Junon Harbor ready yet?
twigcollins: You know, I bet Zack gets stuck in things a lot.
ThorneScratch: Oh totally. Cloud never leaves home without a crowbar, duct tape, and WD-40 for those occasions.
twigcollins: That’s his special ringtone. And Zack's fifth speed dial.
ThorneScratch:Cloud would be higher up on the speed dial, but Zack pretty much takes Cloud with him wherever he goes anyway. Because he's so portable.
twigcollins: Yes. And gullible.
twigcollins: Cloud: It's not gullible, you'd just pick me up anyway.
ThorneScratch: He’s too nice. Seph would just leave Zack stuck in that giant donut.
ThorneScratch: Cloud: *sigh*
ThorneScratch: Zack: It looked like I could fit, okay.
twigcollins: Cloud ought carry a small first aid kit. Not so much for the bleeding as the itching.
ThorneScratch: Zack: What about the valium?
ThorneScratch: Cloud: That's for me.
twigcollins: Zack: Sharing is caring.
ThorneScratch: Cloud: You said that about letting Reno take pictures of me while I was unconscious.
twigcollins: Zack: Where do you think the beer money came from?
twigcollins: Cloud: That would be the beer Reno stole?
twigcollins: Zack: It was pretty funny when he mistook the accelerator for the clutch on the truck, though.
twigcollins: Cloud: How many of Palmer’s cars have you--
twigcollins: Zack: Five. No, wait. Do love stains count?
***
twigcollins: Vin Diesel vs. Samuel Jackson
ThorneScratch: ....Damn. I dunno if the earth could withstand that. I mean, the power of baldness alone.
twigcollins: Riddick vs. One Bad Motherfucker. I mean, that is Shaft we're talking about.
ThorneScratch: Can you dig it? It depends. Do they fight barehanded or with huge-ass guns? Or with snakes?
twigcollins: I'd say first guns, but eventually barehanded on a plane full of snakes.
ThorneScratch: A plane full of snakes flying into the sun.
twigcollins: Set course for "badass".
***
twigcollins: Obi-wan Kenobi. Ultimate stoner Jedi.
ThorneScratch: Galactic bong. …good name for a rock band.
twigcollins: I wonder how many times he 'lost' his lightsaber.
"Did you sell it or really lose it this time? Or did you drop it over the side... again."
"Uh. Well, mostly the second and third one while trying for a number one. …Do you guys got any snacks?"
ThorneScratch: Anakin couldn't deal with that much mellow. He just didn't understand. I bet Obi Wan and Mace spent hours getting stoned, with Obi Wan dreamily rubbing Mace's head
"It's like... like... a bowling ball."
"The whole world is a bowling ball. No, wait. The whole galaxy is a bowling ball. Your head is the universe, man."
twigcollins: "You know what would be cool?"
"What?"
"Snakes on a plane."
"Snakes on a star destroyer."
Years later, aboard the Death Star:
Obi-wan: Man, I wish we had some snakes.
Luke: What?
Obi-wan: Nothing.
twigcollins: All I can see is Mace just blathering on and on while stoned. It starts out Jedi mystical bullcrap and just degenerates into bullcrap.
ThorneScratch: Eventually it all segues into how his lightsaber being purple is just a sign of how he's the most badass mothafucker ever.
twigcollins: "I don't even need it. I just like to advertise."
ThorneScratch: Mace was badass enough not to grow a beard. Obi Wan just grew his because he was lazy and didn't want to shave.
twigcollins: Oh, totally. Might find food there later, in case of being stuck on Hoth
***
ThorneScratch: Dude. There's this article on a site saying they want to try and get rid of Johnny Weir as the face of men's figure skating because he's so gay. And all I can think is "How can men's figure skating be seen as more gay than it already is?"
twigcollins: This is so true. It is not a sport that screams butch. Unless they had live bears on the rink, which is more and more hilarious each second I think about it.
ThorneScratch: ...Wait, do the skaters skate with the bears? Or try to avoid them? Because either one is great.
twigcollins: "Well , this promising young European goes into a triple-toe, triple- OOOOH, taken out by Binky on the left edge of the rink. We'll pause for commercials and to clean up the ice."
ThorneScratch: God, yes. And the bears should wear funny little hats.
twigcollins: Yes. Or just like, mines. Or a pit.
twigcollins: "We lost Scott Hamilton in that pit two years ago."
ThorneScratch: Like in Gladiator with the tigers?
twigcollins: Exactly. Gladiatorial ice skating. Ice combat. Two men enter, one man leaves.
twigcollins: And Weir would still win because he's a vicious little bastard.
ThorneScratch: Totally, yes. He'd shove his competitors right into the pit.
twigcollins: Human shield himself from the bears.
ThorneScratch: The bears wouldn't eat him anyway. Too many sequins. Plus, he's all tiny, thus not very filling.
twigcollins: They could wear extra uniforms. Like, so the bear gets a mouthful of sequins.
ThorneScratch: Breakway costumes! Naked skating!
twigcollins: Total incentive for not falling. I want naked luge. And naked Super G. And you know Bode Miller would be all over that shit.
ThorneScratch: Wow.
twigcollins: "Well, Bode Miller just wiped out but given as he's the only fuck insane enough to actually enter the Naked Super G, he wins all events. We gave bronze to a dog in the naked slalom."
ThorneScratch: No, I just, I mean. I just envisioned Bode Miller's rod and tackle flapping about in the cold and I'm still stuck back on that.
twigcollins: Okay, so how do we crack out luge, or skeleton, or whatever it's called? Which is already like... how to crack out sliding face first down an ice-covered pipe.
ThorneScratch: ...Hmm. Add ass-flags? Cannons along the sides of the pipe?
twigcollins: Swap out every other run with a first-timer?
twigcollins: "Now we send Joey, our cameraman."
twigcollins: "OH SHIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo..."
ThorneScratch: Make each competitor drink a pot of really strong coffee and eat a bran muffin before they go down?
twigcollins: Skeleton on fire. That's a possibility.
ThorneScratch: Yes.
twigcollins: And seriously, I know we can't actually play with human body parts but can't we play some game with a ball the same weight and heft of a human head? I'm thinking there's a market here. We could even make it look like Ben Stiller because everyone wants to decapitate Ben Stiller. They did a poll somewhere.
ThorneScratch: I kinda like Ben Stiller. Let's lop off Tom Cruise's head, it's not like he's using it or anything. And I'm pretty sure the Aztecs probably did some sort of human-head-ball game. Seems like the sort of thing they'd do. Crazy fuckers
twigcollins: Yeah, they had one. Tom Cruise just needs to not have people ask him what he thinks.
***
ThorneScratch: Someone asked me today if Mr. Fantastic could be considered a tentacle monster.
KadrinHeroSchool: ...oh my. That does make sense.
ThorneScratch: Does, doesn't it? But after some thought, I reluctantly concluded that with only one penis, he probably didn't quite qualify. I mean, certainly tentacle monsters have limbs, but they tend to have more than one phallus.
KadrinHeroSchool: ...Have we ever canonically seen Mr. Fantastic's groin, though?
ThorneScratch: ...Good point. Flidget would know. Although extra phalluses do not necessarily have to all be rooted in the groin. Hell, they can spring out his armpits if needed.
KadrinHeroSchool: Any place we haven't seen of Mr. Fantastic could well be covered in phalluses. Phalli.
ThorneScratch: No wonder Dr. Doom is always trying to kill him. Although I wonder why he got to name himself Mr. Fantastic. (I am sure someone could tell me there's an origin story behind this but I am ignoring the possibility for the point of what I'm saying.) I mean, that just smacks of ego. Other people have to nickname you, that's the whole point. You don't just get to decide one day that everyone's going to call you Mr. Fantastic. What if you're not?
KadrinHeroSchool: I bet he picked everyone's codenames.
MR. FANTASTIC: I'll be Mr. Fantastic.
EVERYONE ELSE: Grumble.
MR. FANTASTIC: Sue, you're the Invisible Woman. Johnny, Human Torch.
SUSAN: OK.
JOHNNY: All right!
BEN: And me, skipper?
MR. FANTASTIC: ...Thing.
BEN: You suck.
ThorneScratch: Well, he did at least refrain from giving himself a title or office or doctorate that he didn't have. I mean, he stuck with Mister, and that's about all you can compliment him on. Dr. Doom on the other hand, gets really pissed off if you forget the Dr. bit of his name. He went through many years of school for that doctorate!
KadrinHeroSchool: Isn't he a Baron, as well? If anything, Doom is modest.
ThorneScratch: If I were a Baron, you could bet I'd be throwing that out in every conversation possible. And Doom made it into a Stephen King book, too.
KadrinHeroSchool: Yeah, but he threw Golden Snitches.
ThorneScratch: Dr. Doom and Voldemort totally hang out in bars during their spare time, and bitch about not being able to kill their nemeses. Sometimes they swap ideas.
"Have you tried shooting that Potter boy into space?"
"No, but there's a thought. I'd better write it down on this napkin."
KadrinHeroSchool: "Consider werewolf attack."
"I've done werewolf attack."
"A basilisk?"
"Done."
"A gigantic animate chessboard."
"You're out of ideas, aren't you?"
ThorneScratch: I wonder if all supervillains have to learn to play chess before they become supervillains. Meanwhile, the Princes of Misanthropy are at this bar. Seifer is up on stage barking out Feuerkreuz, Totenkreuz and mangling the German horribly; Spike is drunk; and Saionji's shirt is... somewhere else. Possibly with Touga.
KadrinHeroSchool: All I can think of for Saionji is Martin Prince in the pool episode. "Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers!" (seventeen layers later) "...I brought this on myself."
ThorneScratch: Man, that didn't even take seventeen seconds. Touga is just that good. It's like bullriding and eight seconds, except the opposite, so really not like it at all.
KadrinHeroSchool: They call him the Shirt-Stealing Ghost.
ThorneScratch: He has his own theme music.
KadrinHeroSchool: And the Shirtless Signal, in case a particularly beshirted villain needs catching.
ThorneScratch: What does the Shirtless Signal look like? A shirt with an X over it?
KadrinHeroSchool: I was thinking a chest with clearly defined pectorals and abs, but that might be difficult to make a signal out of.
ThorneScratch: Maybe they just call him on his cell phone. He does seem to keep that with him wherever he goes.
KadrinHeroSchool: It doesn't have that drama, but it's more reliable.
ThorneScratch: Touga vs. Tentacle Monster!Mr. Fantastic. Available now on pay-per-view.
***
Flidget: Thorne, Thorne! There was a show today called 'Dark Side of Dolphins'
ThorneScratch: THE WORLD HAS FOUND OUT.
Flidget: But it was all about hunting techniques.
ThorneScratch: ...oh.
Flidget: It was, man. Does everyone assume that dolphins are hippy vegans, or something? But yes, no turtle-raping or vagina-carrying.
ThorneScratch: Damn. Or jizz shooting.
Flidget: I was sorely disappointed. I'd imagine that jizz thing would be necessary to get through vagina muscles that can carry things.
ThorneScratch: Would dolphin sperm look like tiny dolphins under a microscope? ....I never thought I'd contemplate that.
Flidget: …if a human sperm, say, got lost in a dolphin vagina would dolphin sperm come along and rescue it? Swim it safely to shore or to a human egg? Can you teach dolphin sperm tricks?
ThorneScratch: Jump through tiny hoops? What do you offer a dolphin spermatozoa as a treat? Mackerel sperm? See, we totally ignored the question of what the human spermatozoa is doing in the dolphin vagina in the first place.
Flidget: I think we both know exactly what it's doing there
ThorneScratch: Well, as long as we're going to be creepy and wrong at each other, I might as well get your opinion on a thing Kadrin and I were discussing.
Flidget: Please do!
ThorneScratch: Could Mr. Fantastic classify as a tentacle monster? You know, with the stretchy penis thing.
Flidget: I have never, actually seem him stretch himself out of shape. Out of proportion, yes, but not out of shape. He can't produce multiple tentacles and the one he'd have would still look pretty obviously like a penis, even if it were wriggling suggestively all over the place.
ThorneScratch: That was what we reluctantly concluded. We figured you need multiple phalluses to qualify.
Flidget: But, see, here's the biggest argument against it. Tentacle monsters are awesome in bed. Mr. Fantastic obviously isn't because Sue Fantastic keeps making eyes at Namor.
ThorneScratch: Good point. Actually, that segues nicely into the next part of our discussion. Do you have any idea of how the Fantastic Four got their name? Because it seems kind of egotistical of Mr. Fantastic to just name himself Mr. Fantastic. I mean, what's to say he really qualifies as fantastic?
Flidget: Oh man. Y'know, I have no idea. I hate them, which helps.
ThorneScratch: And what school did Dr. Doom get his degree at, anyway? Where do evil doctors get their degrees? Is there a special academy? Like Xavier's?
Flidget: Stan Lee just liked alliteration. He got it at the same school Mr. Fantastic got his. Actually, he's not really a doctor.
ThorneScratch: Really!
Flidget: Indeed! They eventually kicked him out for being evil.
ThorneScratch: False advertising! Kadrin said he was a baron or something.
Flidget: Yeah, he rules Latvia or something, which is an awesome country. He's all benevolent dictator. Duke Doom? Archduke Doom sounds pretty good
ThorneScratch: Archduke Doom. Emperor Doom. Rear Admiral Doom.
Flidget: He's a Count, I think, officially. At least, he was in 1602. Which I happen to have on hand.
ThorneScratch: We also figured that all evil supervillains have to learn to play chess at some point. They go to a camp for it, I bet.
Flidget: They could substitute Go with equal symbolism. But once they start deviating to mahjong and such, it starts looking undignified.
ThorneScratch: Chinese Checkers? Risk. Annual Supervillan Risk game. Always ends in tears
Flidget: People would keep drawing new countries on the board and Namor would claim all the oceans.
ThorneScratch: And what about space? Who rules space? So complicated.
Flidget: Man. Yeah, Galactus would just eat the board. But, anyway, yeah. I've recommended to Patrick already that if you want a proper tentacle monster superhero in bed, it has to be Plastic Man.
ThorneScratch: Yeah, he's kind of a player. Man, Mr. Fantastic and Plastic Man. That's some knotty possibilities.
ThorneScratch: That was the worst pun I ever made.
ThorneScratch: Ever.
Flidget: Yes. Yes it was.
Flidget: Luckily, they're in different publishing universes.
ThorneScratch: THAT HAS NEVER STOPPED THEM BEFORE.
Flidget: …though Plastic Man is sharing the DC verse with-- wait for it-- Elongated Man
ThorneScratch: ...any witty quip I could make would be entirely insufficient.
I have managed to avoid talking of anything of substance yet again. Huzzah!
I mean, for fuck's sake. I can barely handle that stuff when I'm at my best, let alone just woken up. Words cannot describe the world-weariness implicit in this sentence. It isn't even the actual idea and mental image of Tom Cruise eating a placenta, it is merely that those words are all in the same sentence.
At work, I often write up briefs to have on hand for when physicians call, so that I can pretty much read it right off the page and not have to access a dozen webpages while juggling the phone. This can be unfortunate because I sometimes forget that I have written personal commentary into the briefs, only to come to a rude rediscovery when I'm rattling off whatever's on the page without looking ahead.
"Workshop is structured to provide insight into the physical principles of magnetic resonance and computed tomography in cardiovascular imaging (CVI), current clinical applications of CMR and CT and hands-on experience with clinical cases. Focus on instrumentation, principles of contrast mechanism and imaging protocols. Cardiac and vascular imaging strategies are presented, focused evaluations of cardiac morphology and function is highlighted. Applications include congenital and ischemic heart disease, valvular disease, coronary artery and plaque imaging. Imaging of the great and visceral vessels, extracranial arterial disease and MR and CT venography is presented. Peripheral vascular disease, including the aorta and the more distal vessels is covered extensively oh sweet merciful Christ if I write any more about this than my brainmeats will explode out my ears. Uh. I mean. Just a sec, doctor."
Actually, this has happened to me, sort of. The brain bit, I mean. Back at the beginning of the year, I was feeling sick and fretful but there was that trip to Notre Dame I had to do. And I had to go to the doctor to make sure I didn't have something highly contagious. The doctor told me I was probably going to be fine, but after she looked in my ears she said to watch out in the next few days for my sinuses pulling something big.
“You may experience some gooshing,” the doctor told me in a very matter of fact tone, indicating that gooshing was a scientific term in high respect, a normal thing to be taken as such.
"Gooshing?" I asked. My experience with things gooshing, particularly if they are gooshing out of me, is that it is nearly always bad.
"Gooshing," she confirmed.
And that night after my shower, boy did I goosh. There was a very peculiar sensation and then all this crap came out of my ear, in a variety of colors and consistency. I swear to God, I had a few moment's panic that every inappropriate thought I'd ever had-- and let's face it, I've had a lot-- had coalesced as matter on the physical plane, and that my brain simply could not take it and was hastily evacuating them as quickly as possible. Either that, or it was a massive build-up of tamped-down rage and spite being released, although you'd think that would come out a different opening.
But that's all in the past now, and I'm rather happy that it didn't happen on the airplane because I understand folks get twitchy if their seatmate is actively dripping bodily fluids from any orifice. I've blown an eardrum before, back when I was younger, and this was actually far easier.
***
I try to look in on whatever's going on in the swimming world. Ian Thorpe and Lee Furlong are apparently not dating after all. I was looking at pictures from some Speedo party, and I love how surprised Michael looks as Amanda is grabbing his ass. And dude, is there some law that all swimmers get whacked-out hair eventually? Ian Crocker has become a genuine hippy. Not to mention their bizarre fashion taste. But I suppose it's asking a bit much to demand good fashion from people who hang around without their clothes on most of the day.
Oh, and the most recent 20 Questions thing--
What’s your relationship with Ian Crocker like?
Michael: I think the relationship that we have is great, the closeness that we have you can see in “Unfiltered”, where we are playing video games on the shoot - that’s how we are, just two normal guys who are close, and have gotten closer since the Olympics due to a lot of appearances we do together, as well as swimming the same event. I get along with him very well, and he’s now one of [my] best friends.
What’s your favorite board game ever?
Michael: Probably Monopoly or Scattegories. I’m all right at both. I wouldn’t say (laughs) I’m “good,” though!
Totally called that Monopoly thing. Now if only I could find the damn entry where I left that WIP.
***
As would be expected, I bought Brokeback Mountain on DVD a while ago. (And for some reason, it was being displayed right next to the Narnia DVD which is some kind of crossover hell, especially if you decided to buy both at the same time. There's a joke to be made here about closets, but it is probably not worth it.)
Also, as Twig pointed out, it's kind of weird that apart from the main cover, the scenes they chose weren't necessarily of the two male characters as a couple, but of them either on their own, in embraces with their respective spouses, or together but not in any romantic pose. I mean, I can think of much more memorable scenes that I would have chosen.
***
Sometimes I say stuff, and sometimes other people say stuff, and sometimes I say stuff to other people, and-- here's the real kicker-- sometimes they say stuff back.
ThorneScratch: And now this Dirge shit.
twigcollins: ...ew. I feel like I'm watching movers take all my furniture and play demolition derby with it in my living room.
twigcollins:"No, ma'am, we got that--“ *smash*"
twigcollins:"Absolutely, ma'am, we'll be care-- whoa.” *crack*
twigcollins:"Hey, watch how far I can throw this plat-- I mean... uh... hee hee."
ThorneScratch: You know what, you're totally describing “Honest Zack and Reno's Moving Crew”. Possibly, Honest Seifer is involved there too. I love how sketchy organizations always put that "Honest" in. Like, you know it has to be the complete opposite if they put it in.
twigcollins: God, no kidding. And like, Reno would get the brilliant idea to sell tacos out of the back of the truck at the same time. So there'd be refried beans over everything.
twigcollins: Reno: Uhhhhh.... ole.
ThorneScratch: And Zack wears an enormous sombrero. And once the cops come, a fake mustache, too.
ThorneScratch:"Zack no es aqui. Me llamo Juan. Juan."
twigcollins: They’d hire a mariachi band. Zack probably hires one for many, many unnecessary occasions. God, he'd hire them to get Seph out of bed.
ThorneScratch: The mariachi band is third on Zack's speed-dial. Sephiroth is first. The really good buffalo wings place is second. Reno only merited fourth.
twigcollins: Well, usually Reno doesn't have his phone. Usually it's with a hooker. Or in a fish tank. Inside an octopus.
twigcollins: They’d set Tseng's ringtone to the orgasm from "When Harry Met Sally".
twigcollins: Rufus: We're allocating how much more to the ammunition budget?
twigcollins: Tseng: And I need a bigger gun. Is that thing in Junon Harbor ready yet?
twigcollins: You know, I bet Zack gets stuck in things a lot.
ThorneScratch: Oh totally. Cloud never leaves home without a crowbar, duct tape, and WD-40 for those occasions.
twigcollins: That’s his special ringtone. And Zack's fifth speed dial.
ThorneScratch:Cloud would be higher up on the speed dial, but Zack pretty much takes Cloud with him wherever he goes anyway. Because he's so portable.
twigcollins: Yes. And gullible.
twigcollins: Cloud: It's not gullible, you'd just pick me up anyway.
ThorneScratch: He’s too nice. Seph would just leave Zack stuck in that giant donut.
ThorneScratch: Cloud: *sigh*
ThorneScratch: Zack: It looked like I could fit, okay.
twigcollins: Cloud ought carry a small first aid kit. Not so much for the bleeding as the itching.
ThorneScratch: Zack: What about the valium?
ThorneScratch: Cloud: That's for me.
twigcollins: Zack: Sharing is caring.
ThorneScratch: Cloud: You said that about letting Reno take pictures of me while I was unconscious.
twigcollins: Zack: Where do you think the beer money came from?
twigcollins: Cloud: That would be the beer Reno stole?
twigcollins: Zack: It was pretty funny when he mistook the accelerator for the clutch on the truck, though.
twigcollins: Cloud: How many of Palmer’s cars have you--
twigcollins: Zack: Five. No, wait. Do love stains count?
***
twigcollins: Vin Diesel vs. Samuel Jackson
ThorneScratch: ....Damn. I dunno if the earth could withstand that. I mean, the power of baldness alone.
twigcollins: Riddick vs. One Bad Motherfucker. I mean, that is Shaft we're talking about.
ThorneScratch: Can you dig it? It depends. Do they fight barehanded or with huge-ass guns? Or with snakes?
twigcollins: I'd say first guns, but eventually barehanded on a plane full of snakes.
ThorneScratch: A plane full of snakes flying into the sun.
twigcollins: Set course for "badass".
***
twigcollins: Obi-wan Kenobi. Ultimate stoner Jedi.
ThorneScratch: Galactic bong. …good name for a rock band.
twigcollins: I wonder how many times he 'lost' his lightsaber.
"Did you sell it or really lose it this time? Or did you drop it over the side... again."
"Uh. Well, mostly the second and third one while trying for a number one. …Do you guys got any snacks?"
ThorneScratch: Anakin couldn't deal with that much mellow. He just didn't understand. I bet Obi Wan and Mace spent hours getting stoned, with Obi Wan dreamily rubbing Mace's head
"It's like... like... a bowling ball."
"The whole world is a bowling ball. No, wait. The whole galaxy is a bowling ball. Your head is the universe, man."
twigcollins: "You know what would be cool?"
"What?"
"Snakes on a plane."
"Snakes on a star destroyer."
Years later, aboard the Death Star:
Obi-wan: Man, I wish we had some snakes.
Luke: What?
Obi-wan: Nothing.
twigcollins: All I can see is Mace just blathering on and on while stoned. It starts out Jedi mystical bullcrap and just degenerates into bullcrap.
ThorneScratch: Eventually it all segues into how his lightsaber being purple is just a sign of how he's the most badass mothafucker ever.
twigcollins: "I don't even need it. I just like to advertise."
ThorneScratch: Mace was badass enough not to grow a beard. Obi Wan just grew his because he was lazy and didn't want to shave.
twigcollins: Oh, totally. Might find food there later, in case of being stuck on Hoth
***
ThorneScratch: Dude. There's this article on a site saying they want to try and get rid of Johnny Weir as the face of men's figure skating because he's so gay. And all I can think is "How can men's figure skating be seen as more gay than it already is?"
twigcollins: This is so true. It is not a sport that screams butch. Unless they had live bears on the rink, which is more and more hilarious each second I think about it.
ThorneScratch: ...Wait, do the skaters skate with the bears? Or try to avoid them? Because either one is great.
twigcollins: "Well , this promising young European goes into a triple-toe, triple- OOOOH, taken out by Binky on the left edge of the rink. We'll pause for commercials and to clean up the ice."
ThorneScratch: God, yes. And the bears should wear funny little hats.
twigcollins: Yes. Or just like, mines. Or a pit.
twigcollins: "We lost Scott Hamilton in that pit two years ago."
ThorneScratch: Like in Gladiator with the tigers?
twigcollins: Exactly. Gladiatorial ice skating. Ice combat. Two men enter, one man leaves.
twigcollins: And Weir would still win because he's a vicious little bastard.
ThorneScratch: Totally, yes. He'd shove his competitors right into the pit.
twigcollins: Human shield himself from the bears.
ThorneScratch: The bears wouldn't eat him anyway. Too many sequins. Plus, he's all tiny, thus not very filling.
twigcollins: They could wear extra uniforms. Like, so the bear gets a mouthful of sequins.
ThorneScratch: Breakway costumes! Naked skating!
twigcollins: Total incentive for not falling. I want naked luge. And naked Super G. And you know Bode Miller would be all over that shit.
ThorneScratch: Wow.
twigcollins: "Well, Bode Miller just wiped out but given as he's the only fuck insane enough to actually enter the Naked Super G, he wins all events. We gave bronze to a dog in the naked slalom."
ThorneScratch: No, I just, I mean. I just envisioned Bode Miller's rod and tackle flapping about in the cold and I'm still stuck back on that.
twigcollins: Okay, so how do we crack out luge, or skeleton, or whatever it's called? Which is already like... how to crack out sliding face first down an ice-covered pipe.
ThorneScratch: ...Hmm. Add ass-flags? Cannons along the sides of the pipe?
twigcollins: Swap out every other run with a first-timer?
twigcollins: "Now we send Joey, our cameraman."
twigcollins: "OH SHIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo..."
ThorneScratch: Make each competitor drink a pot of really strong coffee and eat a bran muffin before they go down?
twigcollins: Skeleton on fire. That's a possibility.
ThorneScratch: Yes.
twigcollins: And seriously, I know we can't actually play with human body parts but can't we play some game with a ball the same weight and heft of a human head? I'm thinking there's a market here. We could even make it look like Ben Stiller because everyone wants to decapitate Ben Stiller. They did a poll somewhere.
ThorneScratch: I kinda like Ben Stiller. Let's lop off Tom Cruise's head, it's not like he's using it or anything. And I'm pretty sure the Aztecs probably did some sort of human-head-ball game. Seems like the sort of thing they'd do. Crazy fuckers
twigcollins: Yeah, they had one. Tom Cruise just needs to not have people ask him what he thinks.
***
ThorneScratch: Someone asked me today if Mr. Fantastic could be considered a tentacle monster.
KadrinHeroSchool: ...oh my. That does make sense.
ThorneScratch: Does, doesn't it? But after some thought, I reluctantly concluded that with only one penis, he probably didn't quite qualify. I mean, certainly tentacle monsters have limbs, but they tend to have more than one phallus.
KadrinHeroSchool: ...Have we ever canonically seen Mr. Fantastic's groin, though?
ThorneScratch: ...Good point. Flidget would know. Although extra phalluses do not necessarily have to all be rooted in the groin. Hell, they can spring out his armpits if needed.
KadrinHeroSchool: Any place we haven't seen of Mr. Fantastic could well be covered in phalluses. Phalli.
ThorneScratch: No wonder Dr. Doom is always trying to kill him. Although I wonder why he got to name himself Mr. Fantastic. (I am sure someone could tell me there's an origin story behind this but I am ignoring the possibility for the point of what I'm saying.) I mean, that just smacks of ego. Other people have to nickname you, that's the whole point. You don't just get to decide one day that everyone's going to call you Mr. Fantastic. What if you're not?
KadrinHeroSchool: I bet he picked everyone's codenames.
MR. FANTASTIC: I'll be Mr. Fantastic.
EVERYONE ELSE: Grumble.
MR. FANTASTIC: Sue, you're the Invisible Woman. Johnny, Human Torch.
SUSAN: OK.
JOHNNY: All right!
BEN: And me, skipper?
MR. FANTASTIC: ...Thing.
BEN: You suck.
ThorneScratch: Well, he did at least refrain from giving himself a title or office or doctorate that he didn't have. I mean, he stuck with Mister, and that's about all you can compliment him on. Dr. Doom on the other hand, gets really pissed off if you forget the Dr. bit of his name. He went through many years of school for that doctorate!
KadrinHeroSchool: Isn't he a Baron, as well? If anything, Doom is modest.
ThorneScratch: If I were a Baron, you could bet I'd be throwing that out in every conversation possible. And Doom made it into a Stephen King book, too.
KadrinHeroSchool: Yeah, but he threw Golden Snitches.
ThorneScratch: Dr. Doom and Voldemort totally hang out in bars during their spare time, and bitch about not being able to kill their nemeses. Sometimes they swap ideas.
"Have you tried shooting that Potter boy into space?"
"No, but there's a thought. I'd better write it down on this napkin."
KadrinHeroSchool: "Consider werewolf attack."
"I've done werewolf attack."
"A basilisk?"
"Done."
"A gigantic animate chessboard."
"You're out of ideas, aren't you?"
ThorneScratch: I wonder if all supervillains have to learn to play chess before they become supervillains. Meanwhile, the Princes of Misanthropy are at this bar. Seifer is up on stage barking out Feuerkreuz, Totenkreuz and mangling the German horribly; Spike is drunk; and Saionji's shirt is... somewhere else. Possibly with Touga.
KadrinHeroSchool: All I can think of for Saionji is Martin Prince in the pool episode. "Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers!" (seventeen layers later) "...I brought this on myself."
ThorneScratch: Man, that didn't even take seventeen seconds. Touga is just that good. It's like bullriding and eight seconds, except the opposite, so really not like it at all.
KadrinHeroSchool: They call him the Shirt-Stealing Ghost.
ThorneScratch: He has his own theme music.
KadrinHeroSchool: And the Shirtless Signal, in case a particularly beshirted villain needs catching.
ThorneScratch: What does the Shirtless Signal look like? A shirt with an X over it?
KadrinHeroSchool: I was thinking a chest with clearly defined pectorals and abs, but that might be difficult to make a signal out of.
ThorneScratch: Maybe they just call him on his cell phone. He does seem to keep that with him wherever he goes.
KadrinHeroSchool: It doesn't have that drama, but it's more reliable.
ThorneScratch: Touga vs. Tentacle Monster!Mr. Fantastic. Available now on pay-per-view.
***
Flidget: Thorne, Thorne! There was a show today called 'Dark Side of Dolphins'
ThorneScratch: THE WORLD HAS FOUND OUT.
Flidget: But it was all about hunting techniques.
ThorneScratch: ...oh.
Flidget: It was, man. Does everyone assume that dolphins are hippy vegans, or something? But yes, no turtle-raping or vagina-carrying.
ThorneScratch: Damn. Or jizz shooting.
Flidget: I was sorely disappointed. I'd imagine that jizz thing would be necessary to get through vagina muscles that can carry things.
ThorneScratch: Would dolphin sperm look like tiny dolphins under a microscope? ....I never thought I'd contemplate that.
Flidget: …if a human sperm, say, got lost in a dolphin vagina would dolphin sperm come along and rescue it? Swim it safely to shore or to a human egg? Can you teach dolphin sperm tricks?
ThorneScratch: Jump through tiny hoops? What do you offer a dolphin spermatozoa as a treat? Mackerel sperm? See, we totally ignored the question of what the human spermatozoa is doing in the dolphin vagina in the first place.
Flidget: I think we both know exactly what it's doing there
ThorneScratch: Well, as long as we're going to be creepy and wrong at each other, I might as well get your opinion on a thing Kadrin and I were discussing.
Flidget: Please do!
ThorneScratch: Could Mr. Fantastic classify as a tentacle monster? You know, with the stretchy penis thing.
Flidget: I have never, actually seem him stretch himself out of shape. Out of proportion, yes, but not out of shape. He can't produce multiple tentacles and the one he'd have would still look pretty obviously like a penis, even if it were wriggling suggestively all over the place.
ThorneScratch: That was what we reluctantly concluded. We figured you need multiple phalluses to qualify.
Flidget: But, see, here's the biggest argument against it. Tentacle monsters are awesome in bed. Mr. Fantastic obviously isn't because Sue Fantastic keeps making eyes at Namor.
ThorneScratch: Good point. Actually, that segues nicely into the next part of our discussion. Do you have any idea of how the Fantastic Four got their name? Because it seems kind of egotistical of Mr. Fantastic to just name himself Mr. Fantastic. I mean, what's to say he really qualifies as fantastic?
Flidget: Oh man. Y'know, I have no idea. I hate them, which helps.
ThorneScratch: And what school did Dr. Doom get his degree at, anyway? Where do evil doctors get their degrees? Is there a special academy? Like Xavier's?
Flidget: Stan Lee just liked alliteration. He got it at the same school Mr. Fantastic got his. Actually, he's not really a doctor.
ThorneScratch: Really!
Flidget: Indeed! They eventually kicked him out for being evil.
ThorneScratch: False advertising! Kadrin said he was a baron or something.
Flidget: Yeah, he rules Latvia or something, which is an awesome country. He's all benevolent dictator. Duke Doom? Archduke Doom sounds pretty good
ThorneScratch: Archduke Doom. Emperor Doom. Rear Admiral Doom.
Flidget: He's a Count, I think, officially. At least, he was in 1602. Which I happen to have on hand.
ThorneScratch: We also figured that all evil supervillains have to learn to play chess at some point. They go to a camp for it, I bet.
Flidget: They could substitute Go with equal symbolism. But once they start deviating to mahjong and such, it starts looking undignified.
ThorneScratch: Chinese Checkers? Risk. Annual Supervillan Risk game. Always ends in tears
Flidget: People would keep drawing new countries on the board and Namor would claim all the oceans.
ThorneScratch: And what about space? Who rules space? So complicated.
Flidget: Man. Yeah, Galactus would just eat the board. But, anyway, yeah. I've recommended to Patrick already that if you want a proper tentacle monster superhero in bed, it has to be Plastic Man.
ThorneScratch: Yeah, he's kind of a player. Man, Mr. Fantastic and Plastic Man. That's some knotty possibilities.
ThorneScratch: That was the worst pun I ever made.
ThorneScratch: Ever.
Flidget: Yes. Yes it was.
Flidget: Luckily, they're in different publishing universes.
ThorneScratch: THAT HAS NEVER STOPPED THEM BEFORE.
Flidget: …though Plastic Man is sharing the DC verse with-- wait for it-- Elongated Man
ThorneScratch: ...any witty quip I could make would be entirely insufficient.
I have managed to avoid talking of anything of substance yet again. Huzzah!