I am a gentleman, didn't I
"The fix is in. It remains only to be seen what it's been traded for. To get to this stage, anyone wanting to be a referee has had to learn to enjoy the special flavor of pressure-group dick. The question is: will the referees stagger off ice with lungs half full of steaming Winnipeg semen? Or will they merely be licking their lips
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Zhenya told Alex that Crosby said the best offense was a good defense, or maybe the other way around; Alex tunes out a lot of the things Zhenya tells him about Crosby. He's thinking about defending, though, because Hendy is writing in his black book again. Hendy actually reviews team rosters before games and writes down lists of potential insults for chirping use during the game, both general and personalized. Alex goes over to investigate, because sometimes Hendy will practice them with him and it's always worth hearing, even though he refuses more often than not, claiming that the best ones have to spontaneously come from a natural state of game play to truly work. It's a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence.
"Got good?" he asks.
Hendy grunts, and then looks up, his eyes faraway and contemplative. "I have something pretty good, but I can only use it on someone with red hair. Also it has to be someone we're playing in November."
Alex tries to cross-index these two things in his mind, shuffling and rejecting candidates. "Flash? Panthers are next week."
Hendy immediately shakes his head. "Nah, I can't use it on Flash," he says. "It's too mean for him. Ideally, I need someone who speaks English first."
Alex tries again. "Campbell?"
"Hmm. Maybe. Anyone else?" Hendy makes a motioning gesture with his hand. "Someone who’s more of a dick."
Alex thinks, longer this time. "Not playing Commodore. No Sedins in November either. Plus, they not bad people. Torres, but again, not playing them."
"Shit, Torres would have been really good for it too, damn," Hendy says. He scrubs his hand through his hair. "I'm out."
A bolt of inspiration hits Alex. "Flyers. Hartnell. We play them at end, near end of month. Or Giroux."
"Oh my God, I love you, that is too fucking perfect," Hendy says excitedly. "Yeah, Hartnell, awesome."
"What is chirp?" Alex wants to know, but Hendy just shakes his head.
"You'll see," he says.
It's three weeks, and Alex almost forgets about it, but near the end of the second period, Alex has the perfect seat on the bench for when Hendy skates up to Hartnell and tells him he has to stop going down on his sister when she's on the rag because he's got red shit all over his chin, and Hartnell goes apeshit and swings at him.
It's kind of an amazing line fight that follows: Giroux charges at Schultz, Wideman jumps Carle, and Hartnell and Hendricks are at the center of it, locked up together and swaying like a drunk couple.
Poor Matty Perreault loses the fight partner match-up terribly, and gets bodily dragged around the ice like a goddamn zamboni by Bourdon. By the time Mike Knuble (who was engaged in a relatively staid shoving match with Jagr, both of them wearing identical I'm too old for this shit expressions) rescues him, he's dusted all over with ice and looks distinctly the worse for wear. Schultzy looks completely horrified to actually find himself in a fight, but he's holding his own against Giroux basically by just keeping him at fully-extended arm's length; Giroux is swearing but going nowhere, and all but trying to kick his shins in the attempt to reach him. Wideman and Carle are down on the ice wrestling; Wideman is nominally on top, but Carle's pinning down one of Wideman's legs, so every time Wideman tries to yank it out, he basically humps Carle's hip, and Carle throws his elbow back into Wideman's side, and it's a disturbing cycle of punch-hump-swear-elbow-punch-hump-swear-squirm.
Hendy and Hartnell are still going at it in the middle of the ice. Alex leans over the boards with the rest of the team, banging his stick and howling encouragement at him. This one is going to merit five stars in Hendy's black book. Maybe all that shit about defending is right after all.
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This is SO AWESOME! Chirping and line brawls and TEAM! :DDDDDDDD
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Maybe I'll try to use it somewhere, on something.
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