I am a gentleman, didn't I

[thorne_scratch]

"The fix is in. It remains only to be seen what it's been traded for. To get to this stage, anyone wanting to be a referee has had to learn to enjoy the special flavor of pressure-group dick. The question is: will the referees stagger off ice with lungs half full of steaming Winnipeg semen? Or will they merely be licking their lips

Comments

[thorne_scratch]

Shit, man, I still have traumatic dreams of nuns throwing chalkboard erasers at me. My high school nuns didn't fuck around.

I ended up filling out a chunk from a body swap fic. Kinda got too big for one comment.

"…and then, bam. We were like this," Zack finished.

Sephiroth ran that back through the portion of his brain that had forced itself, after long experience, to become adept at Zack-translation. "You touched something you shouldn't have, and now you've gotten yourself and Cloud into another illegal situation that you expect me to fix." He paused. "Again."

"Also humiliating," Cloud added, muffled. "Illegal and humiliating."

Zack looked earnest, which was much more effective than usual since he was using Cloud's face. "I investigated an unusual and unknown weaponry object to assess its potential in aiding my progress as a highly dedicated member of the Shinra military force."

"It was shiny so you touched it twice," Sephiroth said, translating further.

"Touched is such a subjective word," Zack said, and waved his hand vaguely.

Sephiroth took a step forward. Cloud jumped behind Zack-no, Zack jumped behind Cloud, and Sephiroth had to remind himself of that sharply to deal with the automatic pang of guilt from seeing what looked like Cloud in mortal terror of him-and said, "You can't hit me, I'm Cloud!"

"Please don't hit me," Cloud said at the same time, and even if it was Zack's eyes and voice, it was all Cloud's panic, and Sephiroth had another horrible pang of guilt. "Or, um, me."

Sephiroth sighed and rubbed his forehead. "No one is getting hit." He glared at Zack, peeking out from behind Cloud's back. "For now."

"Dude, this is kind of cool," Zack said. "My body is awesome to hide behind. Not that, you know, you're not a great shield regularly, Cloud, but this is really roomy."

"I never should have left Nibelheim," Cloud said. "I should have stayed home and just, just farmed rocks like everyone else."

"Aww. Cheer up, kiddo." Zack attempted to sling his arm around Cloud's shoulder, and had to get up on his tiptoes to reach. "You're in my body! You've got all my height and strength and stuff."

"And all those felonies," Cloud moaned.

"Hey, nobody saw me do most of those."

[thorne_scratch]

"Look, just, just…" Cloud took a deep breath. "Please don't break my body before I can get back into it."

"It's in excellent hands, little buddy," Zack said, though the words were slightly undermined by the way he had to jump in order to slap Cloud on the shoulder. "Don't you worry about a thing. I'm sure once we get that materia back, we can just make this all go away. I mean, if we can get it back."

"Right," Sephiroth said. "No one panic." He took a deep breath. "I will go get the material. Is it still in Hojo's lab?"

"Not… in a manner of speaking," Zack said carefully. "You see, Reno was there too…"

"You were with Reno. You let Reno touch-" Sephiroth said, and then broke off abruptly because Cloud was visibly quaking and Zack was shamelessly hiding behind him again. "The fact you are in Cloud's body and only the fact you are in Cloud's body is the sole thing keeping me from either killing you or letting you suffer."

"You are a true gentleman, Seph," Zack said, and Sephiroth nearly flinched. It was just weird to hear Cloud's voice and Zack's diction.

"So where is it?" he asked.

"Oh, Reno still has it. We just can't get it back."

"I have very little doubt in my ability to take something from Reno," Sephiroth said.

"No, you're not getting it. We can't. I mean, we literally can't take the material from Reno."

"Why not?"

"Reno swallowed it," Zack said.

Sephiroth stared at him. "Swallowed it."

"Yep."

Sephiroth gritted his teeth. "Why?" he managed to eventually make himself force out, even though it was distinctly painful.

"Man, why does Reno do anything he does?" Zack asked philosophically and shrugged. "I dunno. I think he usually does it just to keep people from having things. Or he was hungry. Or drunk. Or bored."

"Drug mule history," Cloud offered.

"Yeah, that too," Zack said. "He swallowed my keys once."

Sephiroth mentally counted to thirty in Wutainese. "It's still not an issue. I can get the materia." He dropped his hand to his sword hilt, and he saw both Zack's and Cloud's gazes narrow in on that.

"Whoa, you know, you really gotta stop going right to murder as your first solution to everything," Zack said, stepping forward. "Seriously. You know, he'll pass it in a day or so."

Sephioth considered that, and tightened his grip on his sword. "No, it'll be easier just to give Tseng an IOU for another Turk."

[milliebee]

Oh God that was brilliant. XD Especially Sephiroth's 'translating'.

[thorne_scratch]

Thanks! Hopefully I'll finish the whole thing at some point. Poor Sephiroth. Zack translation really taxes his brain.

[armina_skitty]

Soooo, how many different medications are Cloud and Seph on at this point to deal with the mental and emotional stress and trauma?

want moar pleez

[thorne_scratch]

Ha, anyone who's friends with Zack eventually has to add "drinking heavily" to the list of lifestyle choices But in a good way. Zack is an excellent, if somewhat unpredictable friend.

I'll finish it one of these days!

[white_jenna]

And I totally have a mental picture of Tseng's desk with that IOU on it. :D

[thorne_scratch]

Hell, Tseng has a special inbox on his desk just for those IOUs from various Shinra employees. And yet, no one's managed to successfully kill Reno yet.