Update......
The recent events of my life have grown exponentially intense with every passing second. They have mutated into random assortments of love, hate, happiness, sadness, anger, and broken hearts. I have lost a part of myself and may never be the same again, which scares me shit-less. This emptiness growing inside me haunts every thought and emotion that moves through my complex reality. I am slowly realizing that my depression and emptiness has never really been away, just brewing deep down till it exploded to the surface. I'm sorry Sage that I let my deeper emotions harm you (you really didn't create this).
I can't stop destroying myself... and letting the world destroy me...
Drugs have taken over my life, which is sad, but I truly don't mind...
I knocked quite a few brain cells loose the other day with purposeful contact between my head and a door (stars and blackness).
I let steel and blood talk for me again and it helps... but I feel worthless for breaking my promise, but it was all that would help.
The car accident has fucked me over... and now my life is screwed. I have a week to get a job or the bus will be in serious danger but my recent events have brought my social anxiety back and destroyed my motivation. I feel hopeless.
I just wish the pain stopped and I had some money for a torch to glassblow and not to lie, a bunch of drugs of various sorts (weed, shrooms, salvia, acid in the long run, alcohol, whatever else I feel like.) Too bad I have lost any chance of having money for the next year... I can't believe how fucked I am.
Sometimes I feel that every decision I am making my soon destroy me.... I fear that this sadness, distance, and pain will grow as the relationship comes back full tilt. I am directly giving myself to something that will definitely hurt me; which may be the stupidest thing I could do... I know that this is going to hurt and I can't avoid that, but I hope that maybe one day it'll stop hurting. Maybe I really am stupid for putting myself back into this, but I cannot live without it. Sometimes I do get bitter and angry but that's my problem and to whomever it affects I'm sorry.
Everyone may think this is a horrible idea....and maybe it is... but I look at her and the doubt disappears... well, at least for now. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much, but I guess if I really love her and want her then I have to go through it and learn to deal...
I'm sorry... If I can't make it not hurt.
I'm sorry... If I can't stop my dependences.
I'm sorry... If I ever hurt you again.
I'm sorry... If I killed your respect for me.
I'm sorry... If I can't give it all to you.
I'm sorry... If trying won't be enough.
I'm sorry... If I can't learn to share you (I just love you too much.)
I'm SORRY.. That I can't just not care, I can't just not be hurt, I can't just forget, I can't just lose you to somebody else.
I'm sorry if my love ever hurts you... I just can't help loving you so endlessly. Please try to forgive me someday... I really am trying so hard.
I can't stop destroying myself... and letting the world destroy me...
Drugs have taken over my life, which is sad, but I truly don't mind...
I knocked quite a few brain cells loose the other day with purposeful contact between my head and a door (stars and blackness).
I let steel and blood talk for me again and it helps... but I feel worthless for breaking my promise, but it was all that would help.
The car accident has fucked me over... and now my life is screwed. I have a week to get a job or the bus will be in serious danger but my recent events have brought my social anxiety back and destroyed my motivation. I feel hopeless.
I just wish the pain stopped and I had some money for a torch to glassblow and not to lie, a bunch of drugs of various sorts (weed, shrooms, salvia, acid in the long run, alcohol, whatever else I feel like.) Too bad I have lost any chance of having money for the next year... I can't believe how fucked I am.
Sometimes I feel that every decision I am making my soon destroy me.... I fear that this sadness, distance, and pain will grow as the relationship comes back full tilt. I am directly giving myself to something that will definitely hurt me; which may be the stupidest thing I could do... I know that this is going to hurt and I can't avoid that, but I hope that maybe one day it'll stop hurting. Maybe I really am stupid for putting myself back into this, but I cannot live without it. Sometimes I do get bitter and angry but that's my problem and to whomever it affects I'm sorry.
Everyone may think this is a horrible idea....and maybe it is... but I look at her and the doubt disappears... well, at least for now. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much, but I guess if I really love her and want her then I have to go through it and learn to deal...
I'm sorry... If I can't make it not hurt.
I'm sorry... If I can't stop my dependences.
I'm sorry... If I ever hurt you again.
I'm sorry... If I killed your respect for me.
I'm sorry... If I can't give it all to you.
I'm sorry... If trying won't be enough.
I'm sorry... If I can't learn to share you (I just love you too much.)
I'm SORRY.. That I can't just not care, I can't just not be hurt, I can't just forget, I can't just lose you to somebody else.
I'm sorry if my love ever hurts you... I just can't help loving you so endlessly. Please try to forgive me someday... I really am trying so hard.