Two words, Three words.
Pairing: Jongin x Kyungsoo
Genre: HSReunion!AU Drama/Romance (Cause apparently this is the only genre I can write as of now TTTT)
Number of Words: 2500 words~
Pictures flashed by the nearest white screen projecting photos from ten years ago as sweet music filled the background, trying to remind us of probably the sweetest days of our lives.
I am not sure if I do think those were the sweetest days of my life, but I was sure that they were actually one of the most memorable.
Do you even remember how we met?
Our first interaction was cheesy as hell, it makes me want to still judge myself and actually puke whenever I remember it.
I was so foolish back then, probably even timid.
Days before that, I got your number from a common friend of ours. To be honest, I can’t remember why I even asked for it. I guess it was just boredom was overwhelming me those days.
I sent you a message, asking if you actually know me.
I was so happy (and worried) when you answered with a yes. Happy because at least someone knows me and I am not that as left out as I thought I was. I was the black sheep of our batch then, the boy everyone disregarded. Probably even treated as shit by almost everyone. Everyone thought I was either ugly, too nosey, or too broken to be talked to.
Worried because I was the black sheep of our batch then, the boy everyone disregarded. Probably even treated as shit by almost everyone.
Everyone thought I was either ugly, too nosey, or too broken to be talked to.
Do you remember the first time I talked to you?
I remember it too clearly, even after 10 years it brings me a good laugh.
It was two weeks after your birthday back then. We were on a school break before that so I decided to just give you your gift after your birthday. I gave you a red bracelet I made. I remember making that when I was in the cemetery, waiting for November 1 to come so that I could go home already.
I remember giving it to you and running upstairs to my classroom because of the shame I felt back then. I really feel ashamed of it.
To be honest, I am not sure if I still feel ashamed of it after 10 years, because I guess you weren’t ashamed of it, you are even wearing it today.
You’re actually wearing it today.
Wait, you are really wearing it today.
Are you even serious?
I look at the white screen again and realized that the photos of our high school life were just being flashed over and over again.
One shows you in that prince’s hanbok you wore when we were in first year when you were requested to perform for one of the foreigner guests. I remember everyone was so impressed with your voice back then, they were saying you even sounded so much alike one of the greatest singers in Korea, that you ought to be studying in one of those high end highschools for performing arts.
I just dismissed you back then. I didn’t even think you were good looking. I told myself he has just a pair of beautiful eyes, nothing more.
The photos continued to play at the white screen. I see photos of my friends, playing football on the field, some hanging around the park, some sitting in their classrooms.
Then there was this photo of us together in what I thought back then as my safe place. Funny how I called it my safe place, when it was just a place no one ever goes. But then again, I guess that’s the purpose of that place, for no one else to see me.
But you saw me.
You found me. Both, literally and figuratively.
At the photo, you were smiling at the camera, trying to force me to look at the camera. I ended up looking like a blurred out ghost because of what you did. I remember you hating on me because the only photo we had back then was that photo of you and me standing by the fire exit, with me blurred out.
A blur.
Back then everything was a blur.
Except you.
You were the only solid thing that I was holding on to back then. I was slowly seeping into cracks, breaking, piece by piece back then. All my grades were falling, I was failing entrance exams for college, people still treated me as shit, people who I thought were my friends diss me straight to my face.
Back then I was known as the good for nothing Kim Jongin.
The boy who no one wanted to be seen with.
The broken Kim Jongin.
The boy who was hated upon by everyone.
You were the only solid thing I was holding on to back then. No one knew of my pain, no one knew of how hard was it for me to go to school then, no one knew how I was just trying to survive through the day in pain, looking down everytime someone talks to me.
You were my lifevest, the one who forced me to keep afloat even if the waves are just crashing at me, pushing me farther and farther off the shore.
You always told me that everything would be fine, that this will all end, and when it ends, I would be just stronger.
I dreaded every morning back then, thinking it’s gonna be one of those days where I’ll be stuck again in a never ending storm of negativity, insults, and shit. Then it all comes one morning. It was just like one of those mornings were you were early, I was early and we were just stuck with each other waiting for the sun to shine, people to come, and go on separate ways once again only to meet again the next morning.
But that morning, every thing changed.
We were the first people who were at school that morning, as usual.
“Kim Jongin!” you shouted, smiling, as you move yourself through the dark corridor separating your classroom and the staircase I was standing in. “I got here first!”
“I know. You move quite fast for someone with short legs.” I reply laughing. “What do you want?” I add, fake annoyance in my voice. I still ended up laughing though.
“You now have to do something for me.”
“If it’s teaching you how to dance again, I beg, please don’t make me do that. My muscles still hurt from trying to stretch you. And from laughing at you when you tried the jazz steps I made you practice.”
“I know, I am hopeless case with that, but hey no need to be harsh,” you say, then you turned and walked to the opposite side of your classroom, getting a guitar. “Sit here. At the middle. That’s my best angle.”
“So I have to watch you sing now?”
“Yes, and you don’t have any choice.”
Somehow, in between watching you sing, laughing at your off-keys, and you hitting me with your guitar, I realized, I guess, I ended up liking you.
I am not sure how I ended up feeling like so.
May be it was when you stopped me in the middle of my running to my next class just to show me your new magic trick.
May be it was when you smiled at me when I passed by you raising up the flag.
May be it was when you told me that my classmates are just jealous assholes who are insecure of me.
I may not be sure what exactly happened when I started liking you, but I am sure how we ended up like this, in this reunion, barely even sharing the same air and space, not looking at each other, moving somewhere else when someone is near.
It was one of those chilly nights of December, it was too cold out, but you still came to the fire exit, and tried to understand what was my problem. I’ve been avoiding you since November started, I guess you realized that and now we are here, in the fire exit, feeling the cold winter breeze against our skin.
“I like you Do Kyungsoo. I really like you.”
You looked at me. Only looked at me with those beautiful eyes of yours. They weren’t cold, like that of the breeze, but they weren’t warm either. They weren’t as comforting as they were when you came here today. They were blank, clueless, avoiding.
"I like you more than a friend does Kyungsoo. More than a brother. More than anything. I don't underestand this either, but I am really sure that I do like you Kyungsoo."
You just stared at me, stared, and stared.
“Can you please say anything?”
You shifted, looked at something else, somewhere else.
“Just anything please. Just anything.”
“You could say that you hate me. That this is stupid. You could tell me to back off. You could tell me that I disgust you so much. You could tell me that this is crazy that I am crazy. You could tell me that you regret even being here. You could tell me anything Kyungsoo, any freaking fucking thing. Just say anything. Anything!”
You were silent, fiddling with the red bracelet I gave you back then our first meeting.
“I’m sorry Kyungsoo, I didn’t mean to sho-“
“Thank you Jongin-ah.”
Those were the only two words you said, then you turned, and went away.
Two words, I never realized those two words could cause so much pain, so much pain that it still stings right now. I avoided you for ten years. For ten years, I tried to never look in your direction. For ten years, I tried not to expect that you’ll ask me to dance for you again. For ten years, I tried to not expect a single word from you when we end up bumping to each other.
Thank you was all you said.
But it was almost like you said you hated me.
And after ten years, it still stings.
So many words have been left unsaid between the two of us. I’ve tried to reach you after our highschool graduation, wanting to tell you everything that I had to. I was so sick of avoiding you then. I wanted to finally let go, and tell you a lot of things.
To tell you that I like you.
That I still like you.
That you were the only one who made me feel better then.
That you were the only thing that made everything make sense.
That you made me survive that hell.
That you were the best thing that happened to me Kyungsoo.
That you saved me Kyungsoo.
That I think I love you Do Kyungsoo.
There were so many things I wanted to say, but they were just as so many as things I wanted to ask. Questions that doesn’t even need verbal
answers, questions that don’t even need to be answered. Questions for closure, for healing, for endings.
Why did you go?
Where did you go?
Do you hate me for liking you?
Can we still be friends?
How are you?
So many questions, so many things I want to say. It’s been ten years, but I still long to speak those words, tell you those phrases, and make you answer those questions.
However that does not include this.
“Can you pass that glass to me?”
You look at me, smiling. That same smile you gave me during our first meeting.
“Of course, Jongin-ah” you say, handing me the glass.
“You remember” was all I can say.
Stupid Kim Jongin.
“I remember. I do. I remember everything.”
“Everything?”
“Everything. How are you Jongin-ah? It’s been a while isn’t it?”
I just stared at you, wondering how much do you really remember, if you really do. I wanted to speak, but words failed me, as usual. I was starting to answer you when you spoke once more.
“Why am I even pretending?” you say, sighing, rubbing the back of your head like you always did when you felt stupid back then. “Here. I am sorry for being such an asshole back then. I was too young to understand. Stupid and young. I didn’t realize that such feelings between you and me where possible. I am sorry that we had to end up that way. I tried to talk to you afterwards, but no one seemed to know where you were. Believe me, I am sorry.”
Moments trickled bye as I watched you speak. I wanted to say it wasn’t your fault, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have told you that. I surprised you. You weren’t prepared. I was the one who’s stupid, not you.
Then suddenly you took my hand.
You took my hand in yours.
My head started spinning, and spinning.
Everyone was going so fast, everything was going so fast. Memories flew by my mind like a fast slideshow in a white screen, our first meeting, our first word, our first message, our first gift, your first smile, your first nod, your first laugh, your first hello, your first goodbye…
Our last goodbye.
May be our first ending too.
May be this is going to be our second beginning.
The second beginning to the ending I am wishing for.
Was this the end I was wishing for?
The end after ten years of never-ending questions?
“Thank you Jongin-ah.”
“Thank you?”
Isn’t it supposed to be three words?
“Thank you because you made me realize that things can be different, but as different as they were, they can still be magnificent, and amazing. You made me realize that love doesn’t know boundaries, limits, and it can’t be stopped. Thank you because you didn’t stop what you had before, it made me realize that this feeling shouldn’t be stopped. It should just go on and flow towards the direction it wishes, to the person it wishes. It shouldn’t stop. No one can stop love Jongin-ah, no one.”
No one.
At that moment, I realized, you weren’t talking about me. About us. It was clear, that all we have was a memory of the past, a blur, like that of the photo they showed in the white screen. It was all just a photo, it is left fading, slowly people forget about it. And here I am, thinking you didn’t forget about that. I was hoping that once again, memories can rekindle, that the slideshow of our memories was just on replay, on a never ending loop.
I guess our story was meant to end with just two words not three. But I guess those two words were just what I needed to end it. But I guess those two words were what I just needed to accept it. This ending wasn't exactly what I imagined, neither was it what I wanted. But sometimes, we have to deal with what happens and just swallow everything. Like when you swallow a hot soup, all you can do is swallow, and feel it burn you afterward. Painful as it is, you just have to swallow.
Accept. I have to accept that all I can say is thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for the happiness.
Thank you for saving me.
Thank you for believing in me when no one was.
Because sometimes even if we don’t want the story to close, we have to sleep, we have to dream, and we have to wake up for a better tomorrow. May be, with my story with you ending, I’ll dream of better things, and do better for a better tomorrow.
May be with this story ending, I’ll open another story, that this time would end with three words.
As for now, this story has to end with two words.
“Thank you Kyungsoo-ah.”