[fic] Bloom and Grow 1/3 (ST: Reboot)
Bloom and Grow
Part One of Three
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot
Rating: teen
Characters/Ships: Joanna-centric, with Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Uhura, Sulu/Rand, Mirror!Kirk/Mirror!Joanna, Joanna/OC, Joanna/Chekov
Warnings: Implied adult/minor (just in the Mirror Universe - the other Joanna ships are normal teenage crushes)
Summary: Five times Joanna McCoy wished she'd never set foot on the Enterprise, five times there was nowhere in the universe she'd rather have been, and one time she wasn't so sure.
A/N: 6,600 words (this part only - 16,200 words total). Beta read by boosette. This is a follow-up to The Next Time You Say Forever, and it's probably a good idea to read that one first.
Status: Complete
One
Please, Joanna McCoy thought as Lieutenant Sulu half-led, half-dragged her down the corridor to Sickbay. Please don't let my dad be on duty. Let it be Doctor Desai or Nurse Ryan. Anyone but my dad.
"I'm fine," she insisted for about the fifth time since he'd marched her out of the galley.
"Uh-huh," Sulu said, which was exactly what he'd said all the previous times. He didn't even look at her. Which was probably just as well, Joanna thought with a heavy sigh, as blood dribbled onto her lips. She wasn't exactly looking her best at the moment.
Of course her dad was on duty, and of course he was standing right there when they entered Sickbay, arms crossed over his chest, like he'd been waiting for them. Yeoman Rand - with whom Joanna had been having lunch before her … accident - must have told him over the comm. Damn it.
Her dad's eyes kind of bugged out when he saw her, and his jaw dropped a little. Like he'd never seen a little blood before. Honestly.
"Rand said she walked into a wall?" he said as he hurried to take her from Sulu. She tried to wriggle away, but with her dad's hands clasping her shoulders firmly and Sulu standing right behind her, it was a wasted effort.
"I didn't see what happened," Sulu said as they both sort of propelled her toward one of the empty biobeds. "I just heard this smack and when I turned around, she was on the floor. Um, she got right to her feet again, so I figured she couldn't be hurt too badly."
"She's not," Joanna grumbled, glaring from one man to the other. "And, hello, she is right here."
"Sorry, sweetheart." At least her dad looked kind of contrite. "Move your hand, Jo. I need to see what you did to yourself."
"I'm fine," she said for the sixth time. Even though her fingers were slippery with blood and her shirt was probably ruined.
"Jo."
With a sigh, she dropped her hand. Her dad peered at her nose, then touched it gingerly with his forefinger. "Well, it's not broken. Pinch it - here." He guided her fingers to just below the bony bridge. "Lean forward. I'll get you a cold pack and some tissues."
"So," said Sulu, when her dad had left them, "what were you so wrapped up in that you forgot to pay attention to where you were going?"
Joanna stared at her knees. "Nothing," she muttered.
"Come on," he said, poking her arm playfully. "For a graceful kid, that was pretty clumsy."
Joanna looked up at him. "You think I'm-" she said, but stopped herself because she wasn't sure how to finish the sentence. You think I'm a kid? You think I'm graceful? The one burned; the other almost made her forget she was sitting in her dad's sickbay, holding her nose, covered in her own blood. Reluctantly, she supposed fifteen and a half did seem kind of young to a man of twenty-nine. Still, it wasn't like she was some dumb redneck. She might not be a Starfleet officer or even a crewman, but she was still an interstellar explorer. But hey, didn't her dad sometimes call Captain Kirk 'kid'? Her dad was definitely older than the captain - by six years, not fourteen, but still - and that didn't stop him from doing … stuff Joanna really didn't want to think about, thank you very much.
Sulu was smiling at her, she realized. He really had the most adorable smile. And the loveliest brown eyes she had ever seen; it was so sweet the way they crinkled at the corners.
Her dad's bark interrupted her reverie: "Head down, Jo." He came back with a cold pack, which he put into her free hand. "Hold that - yeah, right above where you're pinching. That's right. All right, just sit like that for five minutes, then we'll see if the bleeding's stopped."
"It's cold," she complained.
"That's why it's called a cold pack, sweetheart," he said dryly. He'd brought some tissues, which he now used to dab the blood from her lips and chin. "Now, are you gonna tell me what the hell happened?"
Joanna bit her bottom lip.
"Lieutenant?" her dad said after a moment. There was just the faintest growl in his voice, like he wanted Sulu to know he wasn't going to take any bullshit.
"I told you I didn't see what happened," Sulu replied. "I swear, I wasn't even paying attention to her. I'm trying to remember who else was in the galley at the time, if there were any good-looking ensigns she might've been ogling."
She could just about feel her dad's intense gaze on her bowed head. Suddenly she was glad of the cold pack, her hair falling in her face, even the blood: they hid her flaming cheeks.
Two
"Jo!"
Janice Rand was calling to her. Joanna stopped walking, turned, and waited for the yeoman - and the boy trailing after her - to catch up.
"Hi, Jo," said Janice. She indicated the boy. "This is Charlie Evans. Charlie, this is Joanna McCoy. She's Doctor McCoy's daughter. She's just about a year younger than you are. Maybe the two of you can…" She gestured vaguely and it occurred to Joanna that Janice looked a bit flustered, like she was at the end of her patience, but determined to seem bubbly and helpful. "I mean," she went on, "we're taking Charlie to Colony 5, and I thought it would be nice if he could spend part of the trip with someone his own age."
Great, thought Joanna.
"He's never met anyone his own age before."
Joanna had the feeling Janice wasn't telling her something. She looked Charlie up and down. She didn't like his looks, she decided. It wasn't just that he wasn't her type. There was something weird about his eyes. They were huge in his thin face, and gray, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it, but there was just something really weird about them. Also, he was gazing raptly at Janice, like she was some kind of basket-haired goddess.
Great, just great.
Still. She supposed it couldn't hurt to be nice.
"So," Joanna said after Janice had extricated herself and beat a hasty retreat in the direction of the turbolift. "So, um, what's on Colony 5? And where're you from? How come you never met anyone your own age before?"
"You ask a lot of questions," Charlie said, not quite looking at her.
"I asked three questions," Joanna pointed out. "That's not a lot."
"I don't like you," he said casually.
She didn't like him either, but his remark actually stung. A little. People usually took at least a few minutes to decide they didn't like her.
"You're not her," he went on, looking over his shoulder, though Janice was long gone.
"Um, no, I'm not. I'm me. So-"
He turned back to her then, and her breath froze. His eyes were crossed, his brows drawn together sharply over the bridge of his nose. Joanna's skin began to tingle, but she asked, "Um, are you okay?"
Through his teeth, Charlie said, "Go - a - way."
"Oh, for f-" And then everything disappeared.
*
Everything came back a moment later. At least, that was how it felt. Joanna felt disoriented for about a minute. Then she hurried up to the bridge. She arrived just in time to see Charlie vanish and some aliens - whom she'd learn later were called Thasians - apologize to Captain Kirk for the inconvenience.
"Okay," Joanna began, after the Thasians had departed as well. "What the hell is-?"
Then she noticed Sulu and Janice. She was standing there in this long, flimsy, pink nightgown, and her blonde hair was all unbound about her shoulders. So, Joanna had been gone at least long enough for Janice to change. And no one had noticed! Certainly not Sulu, who had his arm around Janice's waist kind of protectively, and kind of like he just enjoyed having his arm there.
"Everything all right, Jo?" Kirk asked.
She nodded because she couldn't seem to form words around the bitter mass that had lodged itself in her throat. As she backed toward the turbolift, she decided she didn't really blame Charlie and actually kind of envied him a little; there were definitely some people she wished she could make disappear.
Three
Kirk and her dad were fighting. Had had a fight, rather - a big one - and hadn't made up. Joanna didn't know what it was about, who had started it, and who was being a stubborn idiot, but it had her stomach all twisted up in knots. She'd been very young - barely six - when her parents divorced, but she remembered the fighting. Not so much the reasons for it, but the raised voices, followed by incredibly tense silences. And then, of course, her dad just walking out and slamming the door behind him.
He'd come back for his stuff and to spend time with her. But Joanna always remembered that night as the night her dad walked out.
She knew her dad wasn't going anywhere this time. For one thing, where the hell would he go? He couldn't just beam down to some planet or hop into the Galileo and fly away. Even if he could, he wouldn't just leave her this time. At least she wasn't going to lose him again.
But she didn't want to lose Kirk either. For the past year, he'd been such a big part of her life and she really, really liked him. Yes, he was reckless sometimes, and smug, and sometimes she kind of cheered - in secret - when her dad or Lieutenant Uhura told him he was full of it. But other times he was … awesome. He was so smart; she was convinced he could outwit anyone, except maybe Commander Spock. He knew the weirdest, coolest, most random things about history and other planets and Starfleet's top brass. She loved just talking with him. And he was brave, too. He didn't just send his officers into danger, like some captains probably did; he went with them, and if something bad happened, he didn't just try to save his own life. Sometimes not everyone who'd beamed down a planet came back to the ship, and you could tell just by looking at his face that Kirk was upset when that happened; he'd get this hard look in his eyes and his jaw and fists would clench, and you knew he wasn't just going to forget about that poor security guy, or whoever he was.
Most important of all, though, Kirk loved her dad. It was so obvious, he didn't even have to say it - and for all she knew, he didn't. The love just shined out of him; it was a wonder he'd managed to hide it for so long.
Joanna kept thinking about her dad and Kirk, and her dad and her mom. She couldn't concentrate on anything. Not the book she'd borrowed from Uhura, not the stuff she was supposed to be studying for her high school equivalency and her aptitude tests. She couldn't eat. She didn't want to talk to anyone. If anyone even tried to talk to her, she thought, she'd scream her head off. She was nearly sixteen, too old for tantrums, but - damn it.
She had to do something, she decided finally. She didn't really know how to talk sense into Kirk - that was basically Spock's job aboard the Enterprise - but maybe if she could get her dad to tell her what the hell had happened…
She went down to Sickbay. At first, her dad didn't appear to be there; she didn't see him anywhere in the main room and his office door was closed. He usually kept it open because he hated the way it chirped at him when someone wanted to come in. Well, maybe there'd been an accident, though Joanna hadn't heard anything announced over the comm.
She was just turning to leave when the door to her dad's office slid open. Suddenly and irrationally uncertain, Joanna ducked behind a biobed.
As she watched, her dad appeared in the doorway. He glanced over his shoulder and said something she couldn't quite make out. It might have been "Is this recent?" or "Are you decent?" or something else entirely.
A moment later, Kirk emerged, smoothing down his gold shirt. He flashed her dad a grin. "What do you think?" he drawled. Then he leaned toward her dad. Joanna clapped a hand quickly to her face, but peeked through her fingers as her dad's lips met Kirk's.
It was a very slow, gentle kiss, like they hadn't the energy for anything more, or like they were deliberately taking the time to taste each other. Right away, Joanna wished her brain hadn't had that thought. It wasn't because they were men; her mom and stepdad had grossed her out plenty of times too. It was fine for Kirk and her dad to be in love. Really, it was great. Her dad had been alone for a long time after divorcing her mom. Well, he'd been on dates, but none of the women he'd gone out with in Savannah had been good enough. The only woman good enough for her dad had been her mom. Somehow, the fact that they'd fallen out of love with each other long ago hadn't changed Joanna's mind about that. As far as men went, Kirk, in her opinion, was very nearly good enough. She just didn't want to think about certain aspects of their relationship. Like what they did when they were alone. Or thought they were alone.
She knew. She wasn't stupid. Some mornings she'd come by her dad's quarters for breakfast and Kirk would be there. They'd both be dressed (thank God) but come on. The one time Kirk had tried to pretend he'd just gotten there a few minutes before she did, she'd rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, please."
And of course there were the glowy looks they gave each other, and the way her dad liked to stand behind Kirk's chair on the bridge and rest a hand on his shoulder. Actually, that stuff was all right. It was kind of sweet. The stuff they were doing now, though...
They were still kissing. Only now, Kirk's hands were moving through her dad's hair, messing it up, then stroking it back into place. Her dad had his arms around Kirk's waist, kind of possessively. One fist rested against the small of Kirk's back, and the other… Joanna swallowed as she realized (oh God) she couldn't see where her dad's other hand was.
One of them made this low, growly sound against the other's mouth. Joanna did not know who'd made it. She turned away. Where, she wondered desperately, was a hull breach or a freshly thawed-out twentieth century megalomaniac when you needed one?
Four
The ion storm was causing some trouble with the transporter, but Spock didn't seem too worried. Then again, Joanna mused, Spock probably thought worrying was dumb and illogical and just didn't even bother with it. As she watched the away team flicker in and out on the transporter pad, she wished she could do the same.
For a second, her dad's eyes met hers. Then he, Kirk, Uhura, and Scotty were gone again, and Joanna's stomach lurched. She clasped her hands tightly and stared at the spot where her dad had been, as if she could will his atoms back onto the Enterprise. It was all she could do to stop herself from flying at Spock, wringing his arm and demanding that he do something. He was doing something, she knew. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see his fingers flying over the transporter interface.
In another moment, the away team was back, and Joanna expelled a painful breath. Boy, was her dad going to be pissed. He didn't like beaming under normal conditions; Kirk was probably going to catch hell for having Spock beam them up during an ion storm.
She started toward him, then stopped. Kirk was looking at her, and something in his expression gave her the queerest feeling, all gross and crawly, like a june bug had just scurried up her neck. His eyebrows rose and his lips kind of hitched to one side. It was like his customary smirk, but not quite, and Joanna just stared at him.
"Joanna," he said, raking her with his gaze as he stepped off the transporter pad, "why are you dressed like that? I can't see enough of your lovely body. And didn't I tell you to wait for me in my quarters? Spock," he went on, like he'd just noticed his first officer was standing there, "I think I liked you better with the beard."
Joanna looked to her dad, a What the fuck? on the tip of her tongue. But Spock grabbed her arm, nearly yanking her off her feet and knocking the breath right out of her. He pushed her behind him, then flung his arms wide, barring her from the away team.
"Is this a mutiny?" demanded the man who looked so much like Kirk. "Well, Spock? And Joanna." His cold eyes flicked back to her. "I never trusted you; I made you, after all. But I thought you'd have had a little more sense. I thought you liked being a captain's woman." His glance and his tone held so much derision that Joanna wanted to close her eyes and ears.
"Is it true, Spock?" Uhura's voice was a cool purr. "You've replaced me so quickly? And with this … child?"
"Daddy," Joanna said in confused desperation, looking around Spock's tall, immobile frame at her father. The whole room, the whole ship seemed to be tilting crazily; her legs felt like icicles and her stomach roiled. What the hell was wrong with everybody? "This isn't funny. Say something," she pleaded.
Her dad's look was almost like a physical blow: it was so cold, so hard. He'd never looked at her like that, never, not even when she'd really given him good reasons to be angry. "Joanna," he said in a stern voice, like she was the one who was insane or possessed or playing fucked-up games, "if you've betrayed your captain, I can't protect you."
A dry sob wrenched itself from her lips.
"Joanna." Spock's voice was quite firm. "That is not your father. Nor is that Captain Kirk. These are not our friends."
"Oh, I'm still captain, Spock," Kirk said in this low hiss. "As long as I'm alive, the ISS Enterprise is mine. And so is that girl. You want either of them, you'll have to kill me first."
"Fascinating," said Spock. Then: "Spock to Security. Intruder alert in the transporter room. Assistance is required."
"Belay that order," Kirk said. He started toward them again.
Spock was fast. And strong. In an instant, he had Kirk by the throat. The other three ran at him, but he just swept them all aside like they were flimsy stalks of wheat. He didn't even seem to care that one of them looked a whole lot like Uhura. Joanna stood there goggling stupidly for a moment or two. Then Spock, still grappling with Kirk, said over his shoulder, "Alert security. Hurry."
Joanna ran. She didn't think she'd ever run so quickly. But it was like she wanted to escape more than just that scene in the transporter room. She wanted to fly out of her own skin, which just crawled when she thought about Kirk's awful leer and her dad's chilling detachment.
She was breathless by the time she reached Security Chief Dawson's office, but she managed to gasp out Spock's message. Dawson didn't hesitate. He signaled to his officers - there were three others with him - and told them to set their phasers to stun.
Joanna followed them back to the transporter room, though by then she had a serious stitch in her side. She knew she probably should've stayed behind or gone to her room or something, but she had to know what was going on. If her dad was possessed by aliens … he was still her dad.
Spock was still on his feet, but definitely in need of some help, Joanna thought, standing on her toes to peer over Dawson's broad shoulder. Uhura and Scotty lay on the floor - still breathing, she noted quickly - but Kirk and her dad had him backed against a wall. His blue shirt was torn and there were deep scratches on his cheek. The green blood was bright against his pale skin.
Nevertheless, he said with amazing calmness, "Ah, Security Chief Dawson. Your arrival is most timely. Assist me in securing these impostors."
Without turning, Kirk said, "Dawson, Commander Spock is out of his mind. Shoot him!"
Joanna saw the uncertainty flash across Dawson's face. He looked at his men. He looked at Uhura and Scotty's unconscious figures. Then he looked at Kirk and Spock again and raised his phaser. "Who am I, Captain?"
"Lieutenant Dawson!" Kirk yelled impatiently. "I'll make it Lieutenant Commander Dawson if you'll-"
The phaser beam hit him right between the shoulders and he crashed to the floor.
Her dad had time to turn before the second phaser beam hit him. His eyes met Joanna's, and there was so much disgust in them that she nearly broke down right there. An instant later, her dad fell gracelessly across Kirk's supine form.
Dawson slid his phaser back into its holster. "For once," he said, regarding his captain's double, "you should've said 'Cupcake.' What the hell's going on, Commander?"
That was exactly what Joanna wanted to know. She stared at the man she'd first mistaken for her father. With his eyes closed, he looked so exactly like him that her impulse was still to run to him and hug him. She suppressed it.
"It would seem," said Spock, stepping over Kirk and her dad and going to kneel beside Uhura, "the ion storm caused the transporter to malfunction." He touched two fingertips to her temple - rather tenderly, Joanna thought, considering her nails had probably made those scratches on his cheek. "Most intriguing. I detect no alien intelligence. This is not a possession. My initial assessment seems to be correct: these are not our friends. I shall study the matter further, but for now I must conclude that the storm opened a door to a parallel universe, one that is quite barbaric." His eyebrows rose minutely. "And one where I have a beard, apparently."
"So, wait," Joanna said. "Does that mean my dad and Kirk and the rest are in their universe?"
"It is possible," Spock replied. "Indeed, it is my hope, because the alternative…" He glanced up at her. "It would be best, I think, if you returned to your quarters and remained there."
"But-" Then she remembered the way Kirk had looked at her when he'd first stepped off the transporter pad, and she swallowed. As curious and worried as she was, she wanted to be far away from him, with a locked door or ten between them. In a small voice, she said, "I'll just, um-"
She turned and fled.
*
Huddled on her bed, legs hugged to her chest, Joanna tried hard not to think about the scene in the transporter room, but she couldn't help it. In a parallel universe, she was Kirk's woman. What did that mean? That he owned her? That they were having sex? She and Captain Kirk? Was that why her dad seemed to hate her so much? She shuddered convulsively. She had to keep reminding herself that that man was not her dad.
It was too bizarre. Years ago, she'd had a crush on Kirk. Just about all her friends had. They'd gathered in the schoolyard and passed around the latest holographic images, giggling over descriptions of Captain James T. Kirk's "autumn-gold hair" (whatever the hell that meant) and his "Neptune-blue eyes." They were all going to join Starfleet when they were old enough and become the love of his life.
Then, of course, Joanna had found out that her own dad was already the love of Captain Kirk's life. Her grumpy, aviophobic old dad. Talk about an abrupt end to a crush. She wondered sometimes if she'd have felt worse if the revelation hadn't come in the middle of a crisis. Seriously, who cared about a stupid crush when her dad was trapped and maybe dying on Adhara III, and Kirk was heartsick with worry, but trying - for her sake - to stay calm? She'd barely even noticed when her crush turned into something else.
But into what? She wasn't sure. She didn't know what Kirk was to her. He was definitely an authority figure, but he wasn't exactly a father figure even though, technically, he was someone's father. She couldn't think of him as a stepdad. Roger had been her stepdad, and thinking of anyone else in that role felt like a betrayal. Roger had actually married her mom, and he'd been there for most of her growing up. Kirk wasn't married to her dad, and she'd only met him a year ago. She couldn't think of him as an uncle or a big brother because that would make the fact that he was having sex with her dad even weirder and ickier. A friend? Maybe. Yeah, he gave her orders and expected her to obey them, but he also listened when she talked, and he really seemed to care about what she was saying. A teacher? That didn't seem right either.
You'd think I'd know after a year.
You'd think.
In a parallel universe, she was Captain Kirk's woman. They were probably having sex. Her dad sure didn't seem to like it, but he'd still sided with Kirk against her and Spock. For how long had she been Kirk's woman? What had he meant when he'd said he'd made her? And why her? She knew she was pretty enough, but come on. Nyota Uhura, Gaila, Janice Rand - they were beautiful. And so much older and more experienced. Did he care about her at all, or did he just use her for leverage with her dad? What had their first time been like? Scary and awful? Or not so bad? In this universe, the one she firmly thought of as the real one, she hadn't done it with anyone yet. (And wasn't likely to, for as long as she lived on the Enterprise.) Was Kirk nice to her at least, or was he as big an asshole as he'd seemed in the transporter room? If he was mean to her, why the hell hadn't her dad rescued her? In this universe, he'd said he'd kill anyone who hurt her. Was she an asshole in that parallel universe? Maybe she was some kind of power-hungry bitch who had the evil version of Captain Kirk wrapped around her little finger. Maybe she was sexier in that universe. Maybe she actually knew how to talk to guys and make them like her. Maybe she'd seduced him, maybe…
She shuddered again, sick to her stomach. She clutched her limbs tightly until the nausea passed. She wanted her real dad back, and her real … Kirk. She wanted to know that the real Uhura and Scotty were all right. She wanted to do something, but she could hardly move. She felt completely useless.
She hoped Spock came up with something fast.
*
Despite the two hours she spent in quiet agony, Joanna assumed everything would be all right once Spock got things figured out and everyone was back where they belonged. Once Spock told her that it was safe and had answered her sharp questions correctly - she had to be sure it wasn't a trap - she hurried down to the transporter room.
An awkward scene awaited her there. Uhura and Scotty seemed genuinely glad to be back, but Kirk avoided Joanna's eyes, and her dad avoided Kirk's. In fact, her dad didn't even give her time to say anything to Kirk, not that she knew what to say; he just put in arm around her shoulders and started walking her toward the transporter room doors.
"So, not tonight, huh?" Kirk said. She'd never heard him sound so uncertain.
Her dad paused in the doorway and shook his head. "Not tonight, Jim, no."
Glancing back over her shoulder, Joanna saw Kirk flinch, but he recovered quickly. "That's fine. I'll … see you."
"What's not tonight?" Joanna asked as she and her dad took the turbolift up. Scotty had gone to Engineering, Uhura to the bridge, and Kirk had remained behind to debrief Spock.
"Dinner," said her dad.
"You're not having dinner tonight?"
He looked down at her and a faint smile tugged at his lips. "No, I'm not having dinner with Jim. Tonight, it's just you and me. I'm in need of some comfort food. I'm thinking mac and cheese, some collards… How about you?"
At the mention of food, her stomach growled. She'd missed lunch, she realized.
"You and Kirk didn't have another fight, did you?" she asked as they stepped off the turbolift. She tried to sound nonchalant, but she really was worried.
"No," said her dad. "I just feel like spending the evening with my daughter." There was just the slightest emphasis on my, and it pushed a button in her, one that started a torrent of mindless babble.
"What was the evil universe like?" she asked as they walked toward his quarters. "Was everything dark and scary, or did the Enterprise look the same? What does ISS stand for? Did Spock really have a beard? Wow, you've met three different Spocks now. Did you go on evil missions? I mean, instead of seeking out new life and new civilizations, did you - oh, I don't know - go around killing things? Were you still a doctor? What does an evil doctor do, anyway, commit malpractice on purpose? Was I a power-hungry bitch?"
"Jo." They'd reached his quarters. Once they were inside and the door had closed behind them, he turned to face her and take her by the shoulders. He looked so tired, she thought.
"I'm sorry I said bitch. Uh, twice."
"Jo, I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. Hey, can we have dinner with Kirk tomorrow?" She remembered the way he'd flinched; she had to show him she didn't hate him just because he was twisted and gross in another universe.
Her dad sighed. "Are you ever going to call him by his first name?"
"I don't know. I guess. So, can we?"
"Maybe."
"And Spock too?"
He frowned.
"I know you don't always get along," she went on hurriedly, "but, Daddy, you should've seen him. He was so awesome. He knew almost right away that something was wrong and he … kind of protected me. I swear, he jumped right between me and those … people. He got beat up, too. Not badly, but… Could we invite him? And Uhura too? Since you like her. And I guess Scotty, since he was there."
"Maybe," her dad said again.
She stared up at him. He looked more than tired, she decided. He looked completely drained. He was leaning against the door as if he truly needed it to keep him upright.
"You okay?" she asked quietly.
"My head hurts," he said. Then he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.
Her ribs creaked, but she didn't protest. She squeezed him back and rested her head against his chest. He smelled like coffee and antiseptic: comforting, familiar scents. The hand that cupped the back of her head was warm. She actually felt sorry for the other Joanna; maybe she was having passionate sex with the captain and practically ruled the Enterprise through him, but her dad clearly didn't love her like her own did.
Don't be mad at Kirk, she wanted to tell him, but she didn't dare look up. She felt the way he shook, and she knew that if she looked up and saw her dad crying, she'd shatter.
Five
The dinner went well, with Spock and her dad acting almost frighteningly civil toward each other. Afterward, the six of them - Joanna, her dad, Kirk, Spock, Uhura, and Scotty - sat around drinking coffee and talking about the academy and old missions, and Joanna saw her dad give Kirk's hand a squeeze, so she figured things were going to be okay between them.
But Kirk continued to act spooked whenever he bumped into her alone in the corridors or the galley. She didn't know how to tell him it was okay without asking him what the hell he'd seen in the mirror universe, and she'd decided that she didn't want to know. So Joanna started going to her dad's office to study. Kirk never went there when her dad was off-duty, and it turned out to be a good place to work. Between missions, it was pretty quiet, her dad's computer was faster and had better programs installed, and the other doctors and nurses were nice to her; they brought her coffee and tea, and tried their best to help when a particularly difficult problem had her stumped.
So she was there when her dad's voice came over the comm, telling the med team on duty to be ready for an emergency surgery. And she was still there when they brought Kirk in on a stretcher.
Standing in the office doorway, she didn't actually see him - there were that many people - her dad and Spock included - crowding around his stretcher. She just knew it was him. Then her dad said - pleaded - above the others' voices - "Damn it, Jim, stay with me, kid. Just breathe-"
And her own throat closed up.
For a few terrifying seconds, she struggled to breathe. During that time, they transferred Kirk to a biobed in the OR. Once they were all out of sight, she gasped and the dark, icy thing that clogged her throat dislodged itself. But her heart started beating like crazy, like it was trying to punch a hole through her chest, and all her limbs trembled.
Nurse Robbins emerged from the OR. She caught sight of Joanna. "Honey," she said, "you shouldn't be here."
"Is Kirk … is he..." She touched her neck.
"Breathing? Yes, he is." But there was nothing comforting in her tone or in the way she avoided Joanna's eyes while she loaded up a hypospray. There was blood on her scrubs. Too much, Joanna thought, though she honestly didn't know how much was too much. It was Kirk's blood. Any of it was too much.
"I don't understand. I thought … it was supposed to be a cakewalk. That's what Kirk said. They like the Federation on Lystraea."
"Some of them don't."
"Robbins!" It was her dad's voice again. "Where's that goddamn-?"
Nurse Robbins disappeared.
Joanna stood there. She could hear the anxiously pitched voices, muffled both by the door to the OR and the hums and beeps of machines. "Please," she whispered, her fingers curling uselessly against her thighs. She didn't even see Spock approach. She jumped when he touched her shoulder.
"Your father has asked me to take you to your quarters." There was blood on his clothes too, and on his hands.
"I wanna stay," she said. She really didn't, but she wasn't sure she could walk all the way back to her quarters. Besides… She swallowed. Besides, what if Kirk…? She couldn't make herself think the word, but what if…? When her mom and stepdad … when they were in that shuttle crash, she'd been at her friend Eleanor Ann's house. For something like two and a half hours, she'd been blissfully unaware. She'd been sitting on her best friend's floor, eating pizza and playing stupid computer games while her mom and stepdad… And if Kirk, if Jim…
Spock pressed her shoulder gently. His palm was very warm. "The captain is receiving the best possible care."
"That doesn't mean anything! That doesn't mean he'll be okay."
He had no response to that.
"He can't die. He can't. He just can't." With each can't, her voice dropped until it was barely a rustle in her throat. "What happened?" She mouthed the words.
"The captain was shot with an arrow."
That was just about the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. She wanted to laugh. They lived on a spaceship. Living on a spaceship and dying from an arrow wound just … did not go together.
"That's all? He just got shot with a stupid arrow?"
Spock appeared to hesitate, and something in Joanna crumpled.
"It was not," he said, "an ordinary arrow. Upon contact with an organic life form, the arrowhead bursts open, sending out…"
She didn't hear the rest. She couldn't hear anything over the roar of blood in her ears. She wished Spock would go away. Once he was gone, she could crawl under her dad's desk and cry. She'd done that years ago when her parents fought and it seemed like the right thing to do at the moment.
And suddenly she missed Savannah. She missed it so badly it hurt. She missed the rustle of Spanish moss, and the hum of bees in the magnolias and azaleas. She missed sitting outside on hot summer nights, talking with Eleanor Ann and her other friends about the stupidest things: holovids and boys and which teachers they hoped wouldn't be back next September. She wanted her old room, with her glow-in-the-dark stars, her ruffled lilac bedspread, and her stuffed animals, which she was way too old for but couldn't bring herself to throw away. She wanted her books and her music. She wanted real pecan pie, not that synthesized crap that came out of machines in the wall.
"The captain," said Spock in a low, almost gentle tone, "is in the best possible hands."
She'd forgotten he was touching her shoulder and that he was a touch telepath. He could sense her homesickness. And that realization made her feel even worse because he didn't have a home to go back to; New Vulcan was nice and all, but it couldn't replace the planet those Romulans destroyed.
"I'm sorry," she stammered, "I-"
He looked down at her quizzically. She glanced away, to the OR door. It stayed closed, and she took that as a good sign because it meant they were still working and if they were still working, Jim was still alive.
"He's like … your best friend. Isn't he?" she said. "Kirk, I mean."
"He is my brother."
"Do you … do you think he's gonna be okay?"
There was a fractional pause. "I do not know."
But at least that wasn't no. She clung to his answer as if it were a lifeline. She'd have clung to him, but it would've been really awkward. Though she might've tried with the older version; he wasn't quite as uptight.
Instead Joanna grasped at her disappearing hope and clutched what little she could to her heart. For Spock, who'd lost his whole planet and needed his brother. For her dad, who belonged out here in space no matter how much he grumbled, and wouldn't want to stay without Jim. For Jim, who... Who defied definition, she decided suddenly. Whatever he was, she loved him and she needed for him to be okay. She held her formless love like a light, a beacon to lead him back home to her.
Part Two
Part One of Three
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot
Rating: teen
Characters/Ships: Joanna-centric, with Kirk/McCoy, Spock/Uhura, Sulu/Rand, Mirror!Kirk/Mirror!Joanna, Joanna/OC, Joanna/Chekov
Warnings: Implied adult/minor (just in the Mirror Universe - the other Joanna ships are normal teenage crushes)
Summary: Five times Joanna McCoy wished she'd never set foot on the Enterprise, five times there was nowhere in the universe she'd rather have been, and one time she wasn't so sure.
A/N: 6,600 words (this part only - 16,200 words total). Beta read by boosette. This is a follow-up to The Next Time You Say Forever, and it's probably a good idea to read that one first.
Status: Complete
One
Please, Joanna McCoy thought as Lieutenant Sulu half-led, half-dragged her down the corridor to Sickbay. Please don't let my dad be on duty. Let it be Doctor Desai or Nurse Ryan. Anyone but my dad.
"I'm fine," she insisted for about the fifth time since he'd marched her out of the galley.
"Uh-huh," Sulu said, which was exactly what he'd said all the previous times. He didn't even look at her. Which was probably just as well, Joanna thought with a heavy sigh, as blood dribbled onto her lips. She wasn't exactly looking her best at the moment.
Of course her dad was on duty, and of course he was standing right there when they entered Sickbay, arms crossed over his chest, like he'd been waiting for them. Yeoman Rand - with whom Joanna had been having lunch before her … accident - must have told him over the comm. Damn it.
Her dad's eyes kind of bugged out when he saw her, and his jaw dropped a little. Like he'd never seen a little blood before. Honestly.
"Rand said she walked into a wall?" he said as he hurried to take her from Sulu. She tried to wriggle away, but with her dad's hands clasping her shoulders firmly and Sulu standing right behind her, it was a wasted effort.
"I didn't see what happened," Sulu said as they both sort of propelled her toward one of the empty biobeds. "I just heard this smack and when I turned around, she was on the floor. Um, she got right to her feet again, so I figured she couldn't be hurt too badly."
"She's not," Joanna grumbled, glaring from one man to the other. "And, hello, she is right here."
"Sorry, sweetheart." At least her dad looked kind of contrite. "Move your hand, Jo. I need to see what you did to yourself."
"I'm fine," she said for the sixth time. Even though her fingers were slippery with blood and her shirt was probably ruined.
"Jo."
With a sigh, she dropped her hand. Her dad peered at her nose, then touched it gingerly with his forefinger. "Well, it's not broken. Pinch it - here." He guided her fingers to just below the bony bridge. "Lean forward. I'll get you a cold pack and some tissues."
"So," said Sulu, when her dad had left them, "what were you so wrapped up in that you forgot to pay attention to where you were going?"
Joanna stared at her knees. "Nothing," she muttered.
"Come on," he said, poking her arm playfully. "For a graceful kid, that was pretty clumsy."
Joanna looked up at him. "You think I'm-" she said, but stopped herself because she wasn't sure how to finish the sentence. You think I'm a kid? You think I'm graceful? The one burned; the other almost made her forget she was sitting in her dad's sickbay, holding her nose, covered in her own blood. Reluctantly, she supposed fifteen and a half did seem kind of young to a man of twenty-nine. Still, it wasn't like she was some dumb redneck. She might not be a Starfleet officer or even a crewman, but she was still an interstellar explorer. But hey, didn't her dad sometimes call Captain Kirk 'kid'? Her dad was definitely older than the captain - by six years, not fourteen, but still - and that didn't stop him from doing … stuff Joanna really didn't want to think about, thank you very much.
Sulu was smiling at her, she realized. He really had the most adorable smile. And the loveliest brown eyes she had ever seen; it was so sweet the way they crinkled at the corners.
Her dad's bark interrupted her reverie: "Head down, Jo." He came back with a cold pack, which he put into her free hand. "Hold that - yeah, right above where you're pinching. That's right. All right, just sit like that for five minutes, then we'll see if the bleeding's stopped."
"It's cold," she complained.
"That's why it's called a cold pack, sweetheart," he said dryly. He'd brought some tissues, which he now used to dab the blood from her lips and chin. "Now, are you gonna tell me what the hell happened?"
Joanna bit her bottom lip.
"Lieutenant?" her dad said after a moment. There was just the faintest growl in his voice, like he wanted Sulu to know he wasn't going to take any bullshit.
"I told you I didn't see what happened," Sulu replied. "I swear, I wasn't even paying attention to her. I'm trying to remember who else was in the galley at the time, if there were any good-looking ensigns she might've been ogling."
She could just about feel her dad's intense gaze on her bowed head. Suddenly she was glad of the cold pack, her hair falling in her face, even the blood: they hid her flaming cheeks.
Two
"Jo!"
Janice Rand was calling to her. Joanna stopped walking, turned, and waited for the yeoman - and the boy trailing after her - to catch up.
"Hi, Jo," said Janice. She indicated the boy. "This is Charlie Evans. Charlie, this is Joanna McCoy. She's Doctor McCoy's daughter. She's just about a year younger than you are. Maybe the two of you can…" She gestured vaguely and it occurred to Joanna that Janice looked a bit flustered, like she was at the end of her patience, but determined to seem bubbly and helpful. "I mean," she went on, "we're taking Charlie to Colony 5, and I thought it would be nice if he could spend part of the trip with someone his own age."
Great, thought Joanna.
"He's never met anyone his own age before."
Joanna had the feeling Janice wasn't telling her something. She looked Charlie up and down. She didn't like his looks, she decided. It wasn't just that he wasn't her type. There was something weird about his eyes. They were huge in his thin face, and gray, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it, but there was just something really weird about them. Also, he was gazing raptly at Janice, like she was some kind of basket-haired goddess.
Great, just great.
Still. She supposed it couldn't hurt to be nice.
"So," Joanna said after Janice had extricated herself and beat a hasty retreat in the direction of the turbolift. "So, um, what's on Colony 5? And where're you from? How come you never met anyone your own age before?"
"You ask a lot of questions," Charlie said, not quite looking at her.
"I asked three questions," Joanna pointed out. "That's not a lot."
"I don't like you," he said casually.
She didn't like him either, but his remark actually stung. A little. People usually took at least a few minutes to decide they didn't like her.
"You're not her," he went on, looking over his shoulder, though Janice was long gone.
"Um, no, I'm not. I'm me. So-"
He turned back to her then, and her breath froze. His eyes were crossed, his brows drawn together sharply over the bridge of his nose. Joanna's skin began to tingle, but she asked, "Um, are you okay?"
Through his teeth, Charlie said, "Go - a - way."
"Oh, for f-" And then everything disappeared.
*
Everything came back a moment later. At least, that was how it felt. Joanna felt disoriented for about a minute. Then she hurried up to the bridge. She arrived just in time to see Charlie vanish and some aliens - whom she'd learn later were called Thasians - apologize to Captain Kirk for the inconvenience.
"Okay," Joanna began, after the Thasians had departed as well. "What the hell is-?"
Then she noticed Sulu and Janice. She was standing there in this long, flimsy, pink nightgown, and her blonde hair was all unbound about her shoulders. So, Joanna had been gone at least long enough for Janice to change. And no one had noticed! Certainly not Sulu, who had his arm around Janice's waist kind of protectively, and kind of like he just enjoyed having his arm there.
"Everything all right, Jo?" Kirk asked.
She nodded because she couldn't seem to form words around the bitter mass that had lodged itself in her throat. As she backed toward the turbolift, she decided she didn't really blame Charlie and actually kind of envied him a little; there were definitely some people she wished she could make disappear.
Three
Kirk and her dad were fighting. Had had a fight, rather - a big one - and hadn't made up. Joanna didn't know what it was about, who had started it, and who was being a stubborn idiot, but it had her stomach all twisted up in knots. She'd been very young - barely six - when her parents divorced, but she remembered the fighting. Not so much the reasons for it, but the raised voices, followed by incredibly tense silences. And then, of course, her dad just walking out and slamming the door behind him.
He'd come back for his stuff and to spend time with her. But Joanna always remembered that night as the night her dad walked out.
She knew her dad wasn't going anywhere this time. For one thing, where the hell would he go? He couldn't just beam down to some planet or hop into the Galileo and fly away. Even if he could, he wouldn't just leave her this time. At least she wasn't going to lose him again.
But she didn't want to lose Kirk either. For the past year, he'd been such a big part of her life and she really, really liked him. Yes, he was reckless sometimes, and smug, and sometimes she kind of cheered - in secret - when her dad or Lieutenant Uhura told him he was full of it. But other times he was … awesome. He was so smart; she was convinced he could outwit anyone, except maybe Commander Spock. He knew the weirdest, coolest, most random things about history and other planets and Starfleet's top brass. She loved just talking with him. And he was brave, too. He didn't just send his officers into danger, like some captains probably did; he went with them, and if something bad happened, he didn't just try to save his own life. Sometimes not everyone who'd beamed down a planet came back to the ship, and you could tell just by looking at his face that Kirk was upset when that happened; he'd get this hard look in his eyes and his jaw and fists would clench, and you knew he wasn't just going to forget about that poor security guy, or whoever he was.
Most important of all, though, Kirk loved her dad. It was so obvious, he didn't even have to say it - and for all she knew, he didn't. The love just shined out of him; it was a wonder he'd managed to hide it for so long.
Joanna kept thinking about her dad and Kirk, and her dad and her mom. She couldn't concentrate on anything. Not the book she'd borrowed from Uhura, not the stuff she was supposed to be studying for her high school equivalency and her aptitude tests. She couldn't eat. She didn't want to talk to anyone. If anyone even tried to talk to her, she thought, she'd scream her head off. She was nearly sixteen, too old for tantrums, but - damn it.
She had to do something, she decided finally. She didn't really know how to talk sense into Kirk - that was basically Spock's job aboard the Enterprise - but maybe if she could get her dad to tell her what the hell had happened…
She went down to Sickbay. At first, her dad didn't appear to be there; she didn't see him anywhere in the main room and his office door was closed. He usually kept it open because he hated the way it chirped at him when someone wanted to come in. Well, maybe there'd been an accident, though Joanna hadn't heard anything announced over the comm.
She was just turning to leave when the door to her dad's office slid open. Suddenly and irrationally uncertain, Joanna ducked behind a biobed.
As she watched, her dad appeared in the doorway. He glanced over his shoulder and said something she couldn't quite make out. It might have been "Is this recent?" or "Are you decent?" or something else entirely.
A moment later, Kirk emerged, smoothing down his gold shirt. He flashed her dad a grin. "What do you think?" he drawled. Then he leaned toward her dad. Joanna clapped a hand quickly to her face, but peeked through her fingers as her dad's lips met Kirk's.
It was a very slow, gentle kiss, like they hadn't the energy for anything more, or like they were deliberately taking the time to taste each other. Right away, Joanna wished her brain hadn't had that thought. It wasn't because they were men; her mom and stepdad had grossed her out plenty of times too. It was fine for Kirk and her dad to be in love. Really, it was great. Her dad had been alone for a long time after divorcing her mom. Well, he'd been on dates, but none of the women he'd gone out with in Savannah had been good enough. The only woman good enough for her dad had been her mom. Somehow, the fact that they'd fallen out of love with each other long ago hadn't changed Joanna's mind about that. As far as men went, Kirk, in her opinion, was very nearly good enough. She just didn't want to think about certain aspects of their relationship. Like what they did when they were alone. Or thought they were alone.
She knew. She wasn't stupid. Some mornings she'd come by her dad's quarters for breakfast and Kirk would be there. They'd both be dressed (thank God) but come on. The one time Kirk had tried to pretend he'd just gotten there a few minutes before she did, she'd rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, please."
And of course there were the glowy looks they gave each other, and the way her dad liked to stand behind Kirk's chair on the bridge and rest a hand on his shoulder. Actually, that stuff was all right. It was kind of sweet. The stuff they were doing now, though...
They were still kissing. Only now, Kirk's hands were moving through her dad's hair, messing it up, then stroking it back into place. Her dad had his arms around Kirk's waist, kind of possessively. One fist rested against the small of Kirk's back, and the other… Joanna swallowed as she realized (oh God) she couldn't see where her dad's other hand was.
One of them made this low, growly sound against the other's mouth. Joanna did not know who'd made it. She turned away. Where, she wondered desperately, was a hull breach or a freshly thawed-out twentieth century megalomaniac when you needed one?
Four
The ion storm was causing some trouble with the transporter, but Spock didn't seem too worried. Then again, Joanna mused, Spock probably thought worrying was dumb and illogical and just didn't even bother with it. As she watched the away team flicker in and out on the transporter pad, she wished she could do the same.
For a second, her dad's eyes met hers. Then he, Kirk, Uhura, and Scotty were gone again, and Joanna's stomach lurched. She clasped her hands tightly and stared at the spot where her dad had been, as if she could will his atoms back onto the Enterprise. It was all she could do to stop herself from flying at Spock, wringing his arm and demanding that he do something. He was doing something, she knew. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see his fingers flying over the transporter interface.
In another moment, the away team was back, and Joanna expelled a painful breath. Boy, was her dad going to be pissed. He didn't like beaming under normal conditions; Kirk was probably going to catch hell for having Spock beam them up during an ion storm.
She started toward him, then stopped. Kirk was looking at her, and something in his expression gave her the queerest feeling, all gross and crawly, like a june bug had just scurried up her neck. His eyebrows rose and his lips kind of hitched to one side. It was like his customary smirk, but not quite, and Joanna just stared at him.
"Joanna," he said, raking her with his gaze as he stepped off the transporter pad, "why are you dressed like that? I can't see enough of your lovely body. And didn't I tell you to wait for me in my quarters? Spock," he went on, like he'd just noticed his first officer was standing there, "I think I liked you better with the beard."
Joanna looked to her dad, a What the fuck? on the tip of her tongue. But Spock grabbed her arm, nearly yanking her off her feet and knocking the breath right out of her. He pushed her behind him, then flung his arms wide, barring her from the away team.
"Is this a mutiny?" demanded the man who looked so much like Kirk. "Well, Spock? And Joanna." His cold eyes flicked back to her. "I never trusted you; I made you, after all. But I thought you'd have had a little more sense. I thought you liked being a captain's woman." His glance and his tone held so much derision that Joanna wanted to close her eyes and ears.
"Is it true, Spock?" Uhura's voice was a cool purr. "You've replaced me so quickly? And with this … child?"
"Daddy," Joanna said in confused desperation, looking around Spock's tall, immobile frame at her father. The whole room, the whole ship seemed to be tilting crazily; her legs felt like icicles and her stomach roiled. What the hell was wrong with everybody? "This isn't funny. Say something," she pleaded.
Her dad's look was almost like a physical blow: it was so cold, so hard. He'd never looked at her like that, never, not even when she'd really given him good reasons to be angry. "Joanna," he said in a stern voice, like she was the one who was insane or possessed or playing fucked-up games, "if you've betrayed your captain, I can't protect you."
A dry sob wrenched itself from her lips.
"Joanna." Spock's voice was quite firm. "That is not your father. Nor is that Captain Kirk. These are not our friends."
"Oh, I'm still captain, Spock," Kirk said in this low hiss. "As long as I'm alive, the ISS Enterprise is mine. And so is that girl. You want either of them, you'll have to kill me first."
"Fascinating," said Spock. Then: "Spock to Security. Intruder alert in the transporter room. Assistance is required."
"Belay that order," Kirk said. He started toward them again.
Spock was fast. And strong. In an instant, he had Kirk by the throat. The other three ran at him, but he just swept them all aside like they were flimsy stalks of wheat. He didn't even seem to care that one of them looked a whole lot like Uhura. Joanna stood there goggling stupidly for a moment or two. Then Spock, still grappling with Kirk, said over his shoulder, "Alert security. Hurry."
Joanna ran. She didn't think she'd ever run so quickly. But it was like she wanted to escape more than just that scene in the transporter room. She wanted to fly out of her own skin, which just crawled when she thought about Kirk's awful leer and her dad's chilling detachment.
She was breathless by the time she reached Security Chief Dawson's office, but she managed to gasp out Spock's message. Dawson didn't hesitate. He signaled to his officers - there were three others with him - and told them to set their phasers to stun.
Joanna followed them back to the transporter room, though by then she had a serious stitch in her side. She knew she probably should've stayed behind or gone to her room or something, but she had to know what was going on. If her dad was possessed by aliens … he was still her dad.
Spock was still on his feet, but definitely in need of some help, Joanna thought, standing on her toes to peer over Dawson's broad shoulder. Uhura and Scotty lay on the floor - still breathing, she noted quickly - but Kirk and her dad had him backed against a wall. His blue shirt was torn and there were deep scratches on his cheek. The green blood was bright against his pale skin.
Nevertheless, he said with amazing calmness, "Ah, Security Chief Dawson. Your arrival is most timely. Assist me in securing these impostors."
Without turning, Kirk said, "Dawson, Commander Spock is out of his mind. Shoot him!"
Joanna saw the uncertainty flash across Dawson's face. He looked at his men. He looked at Uhura and Scotty's unconscious figures. Then he looked at Kirk and Spock again and raised his phaser. "Who am I, Captain?"
"Lieutenant Dawson!" Kirk yelled impatiently. "I'll make it Lieutenant Commander Dawson if you'll-"
The phaser beam hit him right between the shoulders and he crashed to the floor.
Her dad had time to turn before the second phaser beam hit him. His eyes met Joanna's, and there was so much disgust in them that she nearly broke down right there. An instant later, her dad fell gracelessly across Kirk's supine form.
Dawson slid his phaser back into its holster. "For once," he said, regarding his captain's double, "you should've said 'Cupcake.' What the hell's going on, Commander?"
That was exactly what Joanna wanted to know. She stared at the man she'd first mistaken for her father. With his eyes closed, he looked so exactly like him that her impulse was still to run to him and hug him. She suppressed it.
"It would seem," said Spock, stepping over Kirk and her dad and going to kneel beside Uhura, "the ion storm caused the transporter to malfunction." He touched two fingertips to her temple - rather tenderly, Joanna thought, considering her nails had probably made those scratches on his cheek. "Most intriguing. I detect no alien intelligence. This is not a possession. My initial assessment seems to be correct: these are not our friends. I shall study the matter further, but for now I must conclude that the storm opened a door to a parallel universe, one that is quite barbaric." His eyebrows rose minutely. "And one where I have a beard, apparently."
"So, wait," Joanna said. "Does that mean my dad and Kirk and the rest are in their universe?"
"It is possible," Spock replied. "Indeed, it is my hope, because the alternative…" He glanced up at her. "It would be best, I think, if you returned to your quarters and remained there."
"But-" Then she remembered the way Kirk had looked at her when he'd first stepped off the transporter pad, and she swallowed. As curious and worried as she was, she wanted to be far away from him, with a locked door or ten between them. In a small voice, she said, "I'll just, um-"
She turned and fled.
*
Huddled on her bed, legs hugged to her chest, Joanna tried hard not to think about the scene in the transporter room, but she couldn't help it. In a parallel universe, she was Kirk's woman. What did that mean? That he owned her? That they were having sex? She and Captain Kirk? Was that why her dad seemed to hate her so much? She shuddered convulsively. She had to keep reminding herself that that man was not her dad.
It was too bizarre. Years ago, she'd had a crush on Kirk. Just about all her friends had. They'd gathered in the schoolyard and passed around the latest holographic images, giggling over descriptions of Captain James T. Kirk's "autumn-gold hair" (whatever the hell that meant) and his "Neptune-blue eyes." They were all going to join Starfleet when they were old enough and become the love of his life.
Then, of course, Joanna had found out that her own dad was already the love of Captain Kirk's life. Her grumpy, aviophobic old dad. Talk about an abrupt end to a crush. She wondered sometimes if she'd have felt worse if the revelation hadn't come in the middle of a crisis. Seriously, who cared about a stupid crush when her dad was trapped and maybe dying on Adhara III, and Kirk was heartsick with worry, but trying - for her sake - to stay calm? She'd barely even noticed when her crush turned into something else.
But into what? She wasn't sure. She didn't know what Kirk was to her. He was definitely an authority figure, but he wasn't exactly a father figure even though, technically, he was someone's father. She couldn't think of him as a stepdad. Roger had been her stepdad, and thinking of anyone else in that role felt like a betrayal. Roger had actually married her mom, and he'd been there for most of her growing up. Kirk wasn't married to her dad, and she'd only met him a year ago. She couldn't think of him as an uncle or a big brother because that would make the fact that he was having sex with her dad even weirder and ickier. A friend? Maybe. Yeah, he gave her orders and expected her to obey them, but he also listened when she talked, and he really seemed to care about what she was saying. A teacher? That didn't seem right either.
You'd think I'd know after a year.
You'd think.
In a parallel universe, she was Captain Kirk's woman. They were probably having sex. Her dad sure didn't seem to like it, but he'd still sided with Kirk against her and Spock. For how long had she been Kirk's woman? What had he meant when he'd said he'd made her? And why her? She knew she was pretty enough, but come on. Nyota Uhura, Gaila, Janice Rand - they were beautiful. And so much older and more experienced. Did he care about her at all, or did he just use her for leverage with her dad? What had their first time been like? Scary and awful? Or not so bad? In this universe, the one she firmly thought of as the real one, she hadn't done it with anyone yet. (And wasn't likely to, for as long as she lived on the Enterprise.) Was Kirk nice to her at least, or was he as big an asshole as he'd seemed in the transporter room? If he was mean to her, why the hell hadn't her dad rescued her? In this universe, he'd said he'd kill anyone who hurt her. Was she an asshole in that parallel universe? Maybe she was some kind of power-hungry bitch who had the evil version of Captain Kirk wrapped around her little finger. Maybe she was sexier in that universe. Maybe she actually knew how to talk to guys and make them like her. Maybe she'd seduced him, maybe…
She shuddered again, sick to her stomach. She clutched her limbs tightly until the nausea passed. She wanted her real dad back, and her real … Kirk. She wanted to know that the real Uhura and Scotty were all right. She wanted to do something, but she could hardly move. She felt completely useless.
She hoped Spock came up with something fast.
*
Despite the two hours she spent in quiet agony, Joanna assumed everything would be all right once Spock got things figured out and everyone was back where they belonged. Once Spock told her that it was safe and had answered her sharp questions correctly - she had to be sure it wasn't a trap - she hurried down to the transporter room.
An awkward scene awaited her there. Uhura and Scotty seemed genuinely glad to be back, but Kirk avoided Joanna's eyes, and her dad avoided Kirk's. In fact, her dad didn't even give her time to say anything to Kirk, not that she knew what to say; he just put in arm around her shoulders and started walking her toward the transporter room doors.
"So, not tonight, huh?" Kirk said. She'd never heard him sound so uncertain.
Her dad paused in the doorway and shook his head. "Not tonight, Jim, no."
Glancing back over her shoulder, Joanna saw Kirk flinch, but he recovered quickly. "That's fine. I'll … see you."
"What's not tonight?" Joanna asked as she and her dad took the turbolift up. Scotty had gone to Engineering, Uhura to the bridge, and Kirk had remained behind to debrief Spock.
"Dinner," said her dad.
"You're not having dinner tonight?"
He looked down at her and a faint smile tugged at his lips. "No, I'm not having dinner with Jim. Tonight, it's just you and me. I'm in need of some comfort food. I'm thinking mac and cheese, some collards… How about you?"
At the mention of food, her stomach growled. She'd missed lunch, she realized.
"You and Kirk didn't have another fight, did you?" she asked as they stepped off the turbolift. She tried to sound nonchalant, but she really was worried.
"No," said her dad. "I just feel like spending the evening with my daughter." There was just the slightest emphasis on my, and it pushed a button in her, one that started a torrent of mindless babble.
"What was the evil universe like?" she asked as they walked toward his quarters. "Was everything dark and scary, or did the Enterprise look the same? What does ISS stand for? Did Spock really have a beard? Wow, you've met three different Spocks now. Did you go on evil missions? I mean, instead of seeking out new life and new civilizations, did you - oh, I don't know - go around killing things? Were you still a doctor? What does an evil doctor do, anyway, commit malpractice on purpose? Was I a power-hungry bitch?"
"Jo." They'd reached his quarters. Once they were inside and the door had closed behind them, he turned to face her and take her by the shoulders. He looked so tired, she thought.
"I'm sorry I said bitch. Uh, twice."
"Jo, I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay. Hey, can we have dinner with Kirk tomorrow?" She remembered the way he'd flinched; she had to show him she didn't hate him just because he was twisted and gross in another universe.
Her dad sighed. "Are you ever going to call him by his first name?"
"I don't know. I guess. So, can we?"
"Maybe."
"And Spock too?"
He frowned.
"I know you don't always get along," she went on hurriedly, "but, Daddy, you should've seen him. He was so awesome. He knew almost right away that something was wrong and he … kind of protected me. I swear, he jumped right between me and those … people. He got beat up, too. Not badly, but… Could we invite him? And Uhura too? Since you like her. And I guess Scotty, since he was there."
"Maybe," her dad said again.
She stared up at him. He looked more than tired, she decided. He looked completely drained. He was leaning against the door as if he truly needed it to keep him upright.
"You okay?" she asked quietly.
"My head hurts," he said. Then he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.
Her ribs creaked, but she didn't protest. She squeezed him back and rested her head against his chest. He smelled like coffee and antiseptic: comforting, familiar scents. The hand that cupped the back of her head was warm. She actually felt sorry for the other Joanna; maybe she was having passionate sex with the captain and practically ruled the Enterprise through him, but her dad clearly didn't love her like her own did.
Don't be mad at Kirk, she wanted to tell him, but she didn't dare look up. She felt the way he shook, and she knew that if she looked up and saw her dad crying, she'd shatter.
Five
The dinner went well, with Spock and her dad acting almost frighteningly civil toward each other. Afterward, the six of them - Joanna, her dad, Kirk, Spock, Uhura, and Scotty - sat around drinking coffee and talking about the academy and old missions, and Joanna saw her dad give Kirk's hand a squeeze, so she figured things were going to be okay between them.
But Kirk continued to act spooked whenever he bumped into her alone in the corridors or the galley. She didn't know how to tell him it was okay without asking him what the hell he'd seen in the mirror universe, and she'd decided that she didn't want to know. So Joanna started going to her dad's office to study. Kirk never went there when her dad was off-duty, and it turned out to be a good place to work. Between missions, it was pretty quiet, her dad's computer was faster and had better programs installed, and the other doctors and nurses were nice to her; they brought her coffee and tea, and tried their best to help when a particularly difficult problem had her stumped.
So she was there when her dad's voice came over the comm, telling the med team on duty to be ready for an emergency surgery. And she was still there when they brought Kirk in on a stretcher.
Standing in the office doorway, she didn't actually see him - there were that many people - her dad and Spock included - crowding around his stretcher. She just knew it was him. Then her dad said - pleaded - above the others' voices - "Damn it, Jim, stay with me, kid. Just breathe-"
And her own throat closed up.
For a few terrifying seconds, she struggled to breathe. During that time, they transferred Kirk to a biobed in the OR. Once they were all out of sight, she gasped and the dark, icy thing that clogged her throat dislodged itself. But her heart started beating like crazy, like it was trying to punch a hole through her chest, and all her limbs trembled.
Nurse Robbins emerged from the OR. She caught sight of Joanna. "Honey," she said, "you shouldn't be here."
"Is Kirk … is he..." She touched her neck.
"Breathing? Yes, he is." But there was nothing comforting in her tone or in the way she avoided Joanna's eyes while she loaded up a hypospray. There was blood on her scrubs. Too much, Joanna thought, though she honestly didn't know how much was too much. It was Kirk's blood. Any of it was too much.
"I don't understand. I thought … it was supposed to be a cakewalk. That's what Kirk said. They like the Federation on Lystraea."
"Some of them don't."
"Robbins!" It was her dad's voice again. "Where's that goddamn-?"
Nurse Robbins disappeared.
Joanna stood there. She could hear the anxiously pitched voices, muffled both by the door to the OR and the hums and beeps of machines. "Please," she whispered, her fingers curling uselessly against her thighs. She didn't even see Spock approach. She jumped when he touched her shoulder.
"Your father has asked me to take you to your quarters." There was blood on his clothes too, and on his hands.
"I wanna stay," she said. She really didn't, but she wasn't sure she could walk all the way back to her quarters. Besides… She swallowed. Besides, what if Kirk…? She couldn't make herself think the word, but what if…? When her mom and stepdad … when they were in that shuttle crash, she'd been at her friend Eleanor Ann's house. For something like two and a half hours, she'd been blissfully unaware. She'd been sitting on her best friend's floor, eating pizza and playing stupid computer games while her mom and stepdad… And if Kirk, if Jim…
Spock pressed her shoulder gently. His palm was very warm. "The captain is receiving the best possible care."
"That doesn't mean anything! That doesn't mean he'll be okay."
He had no response to that.
"He can't die. He can't. He just can't." With each can't, her voice dropped until it was barely a rustle in her throat. "What happened?" She mouthed the words.
"The captain was shot with an arrow."
That was just about the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. She wanted to laugh. They lived on a spaceship. Living on a spaceship and dying from an arrow wound just … did not go together.
"That's all? He just got shot with a stupid arrow?"
Spock appeared to hesitate, and something in Joanna crumpled.
"It was not," he said, "an ordinary arrow. Upon contact with an organic life form, the arrowhead bursts open, sending out…"
She didn't hear the rest. She couldn't hear anything over the roar of blood in her ears. She wished Spock would go away. Once he was gone, she could crawl under her dad's desk and cry. She'd done that years ago when her parents fought and it seemed like the right thing to do at the moment.
And suddenly she missed Savannah. She missed it so badly it hurt. She missed the rustle of Spanish moss, and the hum of bees in the magnolias and azaleas. She missed sitting outside on hot summer nights, talking with Eleanor Ann and her other friends about the stupidest things: holovids and boys and which teachers they hoped wouldn't be back next September. She wanted her old room, with her glow-in-the-dark stars, her ruffled lilac bedspread, and her stuffed animals, which she was way too old for but couldn't bring herself to throw away. She wanted her books and her music. She wanted real pecan pie, not that synthesized crap that came out of machines in the wall.
"The captain," said Spock in a low, almost gentle tone, "is in the best possible hands."
She'd forgotten he was touching her shoulder and that he was a touch telepath. He could sense her homesickness. And that realization made her feel even worse because he didn't have a home to go back to; New Vulcan was nice and all, but it couldn't replace the planet those Romulans destroyed.
"I'm sorry," she stammered, "I-"
He looked down at her quizzically. She glanced away, to the OR door. It stayed closed, and she took that as a good sign because it meant they were still working and if they were still working, Jim was still alive.
"He's like … your best friend. Isn't he?" she said. "Kirk, I mean."
"He is my brother."
"Do you … do you think he's gonna be okay?"
There was a fractional pause. "I do not know."
But at least that wasn't no. She clung to his answer as if it were a lifeline. She'd have clung to him, but it would've been really awkward. Though she might've tried with the older version; he wasn't quite as uptight.
Instead Joanna grasped at her disappearing hope and clutched what little she could to her heart. For Spock, who'd lost his whole planet and needed his brother. For her dad, who belonged out here in space no matter how much he grumbled, and wouldn't want to stay without Jim. For Jim, who... Who defied definition, she decided suddenly. Whatever he was, she loved him and she needed for him to be okay. She held her formless love like a light, a beacon to lead him back home to her.
Part Two