If only you could see into me....

[thispainedbliss]

I was driving my bro n sis to school when i realized the date. It's been two months. It has some strange feeling of seeming like it was only yesterday yet seeming as if it were a year ago. take that as you will b/c i dont even know how i take it. She said something about me "wanting to forget her" er sumn the other day. Those wernt the exact words. i dont remember what she said. i kno it has sumn to do with her being out of my life. Uh, wrong. but wtvr. Cuz i'm the evil bitch for sticking to my word, right? right. Eh, i'm in no mood to be bitter. If anything i'm not. I just question some things every now and then. Like how she could have thought that what i said last year wouldnt hold true. that if she lost my trust again i would take her back. Did she take that for granted just like she took my trust for granted oh so long ago? Thinking i'd always be there no matter what? That i'd never go anywhere? She said something about me not valuing her anymore. She'd never been so wrong. Just because there's this vast distance between us doesnt mean i love her any less (fuck it all now i'm crying) it doesnt mean i dont still lay in bed and see her on my floor playin Amp. Or pass barnes & noble to visit the friend she cant stand for no reason at all and think about us looking thru the sex books and talking about them outloud while mothers and old ppl heard us. or how we went nuts looking for info on BEdell. Or walk passed someone wearing her perfume and just melt in how much it hurts. she IMs me and i'd do anything for us to not got into a snappy arguement. yeah she was my g/f but she was my best friend too. no one knows me like she does. and i doubt anyone ever will. not to that extent anyway. int he beginning she always thought i got over people quickly b/c of TWO people i was with for like a month. For your information i never got over Cliff. I still think he's the greatest guy i've had the opportunity of calling "my boyfriend." i still think back to those days in Columbia when me and him had that one hour to be together. and i miss it. i talk to him and wish we could still talk like we used to as much as we used to. Me and him would talk till 3 or 4 in the morning about absolutly nothing. and the conversations were neverending. never awkward. And i cherished that. and i cherish him. still do. on thomas, it took a YEAR to get anywhere with him. during that year i was VERY much single. very. it was going no where. i'm not the type of person to see an opportunity and let it pass me by. so cliff came into the picture. a year of waiting around and getting nothing accomplished and everything showing no sign of change is NOT moving on quickly. so i dated cliff. we broke up. about two months later tom finaly came around. we went out. for like a month. i got in shitloads of trouble. wasnt working out. then her. (and dont go thinking you're the SOLE reason we broke up. ur maybe a percent of the reason.) So there. two people. three if u want to count her (cuz im sure i can be single while im dating sum1. i dont really see how that works.) And my rebounds are where? oh. right. they dont exist. but good try. Kudos for ur theory that u always thought held tru. So i guess you were a backup too? Ah, that sucks. Sad you;d think that. Back ups are people you keep in the back of your head while you're with sum1 to fall back on just in case shit hits the fan. I dont recall eevr doing that with anyone. The thought of someone else crossed my mind, that i wont deny. I'd be lying if i did. But see, i was with her*. i wanted to be with her*. i nevre let anyone ever stay in my head for long. even when my "good friends" made it seem like they'd be good to me or i "made them feel special" i was stong enuff to not let it get to me. Its been two months. I still love her. I still miss her. I still dread seeing her b/c i'd be torn btwn wanting to hold her and just walking away b/c i dont want to be bothered with the shit that would most likely start. Cuz i know she wouldnt break down on me if i was there. but if she did, i'd still hold her and try to make her smile, run to get a tissue, not find one and use my sleeve to wipe the snot off her face. Heh, and she thinks i "got over her" and "forgot about her." baby u were never more wrong. Anyone who's been my friend during these last few months knows i still adore u even in my silence about it. I just dont beat myself up over it. you may think i "need security" b/c i "move on fast." in truth i dont need anyone. Just like i didnt need you. Wanting and needing are two very different things. I need air and water and friends to live. I dont need sum1 to call my own. its something i WANT. thats the whole point to life. finding sum1 u WANT to be with. i' ahte to ever say i *need* sum1. how would that make them feel? that they;re just sum cushion to catch me when i fall when everyone knows full well i pick my OWN self up when i stumble. u were never my security. i never had a backup or rebound for u. so think what you will. say what you will. two months. i dont see that boyfriend i supposedly should have had by now, do you? no. u just see me going to see hobbes all the time. you read me talking about him. but you dont see me running after him like i ran after you, now, do you? To be honest as much as i would LOVE for me and him to go out i'm scared of hurting him like u hurt me when we first started going out. when all you talked about was Catie. When i comforted YOU over her over sumthing that happened a year before. This thing with u and me is very much a new thing. i cried infront of him once over you. i hope it doesnt happen again. cuz i felt like shit about it. cuz i see you and me paralleling in so many small ways it terrifies me. I wont hurt sum1 over what someone else did to me. I wont punish someone else b/c i was hurt b4. yeah i'm scared shitless that i'm gonna get hurt again. but im not gonna spend the rest of my life watching everyone who cares about me walk on by b/c of it. i'm been pretty happy this past month (give or take a bit) b/c i AM single and i DONT have to think abot sum1 else and what they're doing. if he was such a "rebound" (as you so sweetly put it) i'd be on his ass whenever he went out. but oh, im not and i dont give it a second thought cuz i have nothing to worry about. he does his thing and i have no right to be concerned with it unless he feels like telling me. Why? b/c he's *not* my boyfriend. Lately i've been questioning what he is exactly cuz thats how i am but thats none of your concern thats btwn me n him so i stop ::here:: Everyone comes up to me appologizing about what happened to you and me. Because they KNOW i LOVE you. not 'i think i love you b/c im with u all the time' love. not 'this is so cute i must love her' love. No. I Love You as in 'i wanted to give u the rest of my life' love. I Love You as in 'i can let go no matter how much it hurts' love. I Love You as in "when someone talks shit about you to me I'm on their ass in a heartbeat b/c no one says shti about you nd gets away with it b/c im still protective of what ppl say about you" love. Just how i said something about Catie back in high school and you were down my throat? yeh. thats what i do. I guess someone needs to 're-evaluate' their own shit. . .

correction: one month. y the fuck do i feel like we broke up b4 our 1 yr. im gettin fuckin senile.