woah....blast from the past.
i remember you old friend.
and im also embarrased of you old friend.
im feeling awfully reminicent today, and this past week really. i decided to look you up old friend. somehow i remembered the password, and i snuck in to read you at length. my initial thoughts were: good god my last entry was posted 2006?? so much has happened since then...
i read through this in entirety and now think "holy shit im so glad so much has happened. i am NOT the same girl as when i last wrote in this. not even close. i dont recognize her AT ALL."
i notice my vaugue sentence structure that doesnt bring back any memories, but makes me remember when i couldnt form a proper thought . i notice my excessive use of the word "fuck". i must have been a treat old friend. i am confused by the little girl hidden in the lapses of words. no wonder im being slapped by reality now; i did everything to avoid it back then. you should know, old friend, that you are now standing before a woman. and i want to slap that little girl.
well i guess i am back, old friend, because you can be some sort of comfort. i have felt the need to write down my thoughts once again because im almost sure not many will read them here. i seem to be well hidden here.
i first want to say that i still have that "stupid job selling costmetics". Not for long. im being laid off. hopefully soon, but it wont be soon enough. since the day i began this job i have been begging to get out of it but i have never been proactive about making it happen. i am....excited? to start a new chapter in my life. i need this push back out there because i think as im getting older i am starting to become more cautious and conservative: like a 65 year olds stock portfolio. at some point growing up i did have a spark that made me capable of anything and i almost think this job made me believe i was wrong. this job has made it quite clear to me that you cant do for others. you cant spend your life working for others, relying on a paycheck from them, relying on them to seek out your best intrests, because they wont. if its one thing ive learned in the past three years since we have spoken, old friend, its that noone really has your best intrests at heart. only you. you have to be in control of your life. you have to take charge and demand life sit at your feet and wait for you to take the first step. you have to tear down the barriers, and create bridges, and burn a forest or two. but it HAS to be you. then everything else falls in place. kind of.
the things that fall either need water and sun to grow, or immediate weed poison.
as i sit here, three years later i am sure, but lost. scared but anxious. happy, and sad. i have shaken off the feeling of needing help, and grown up enough to set my own standards, make my own way, and create my own life. i wish you could talk back, old friend. i think we write to you in hopes of validation.we re-read our own thoughts, as if someone else wrote them out.... this imaginative creation agrees with every thread of the thoughts we are having. and i need you for this now, old friend.
and im also embarrased of you old friend.
im feeling awfully reminicent today, and this past week really. i decided to look you up old friend. somehow i remembered the password, and i snuck in to read you at length. my initial thoughts were: good god my last entry was posted 2006?? so much has happened since then...
i read through this in entirety and now think "holy shit im so glad so much has happened. i am NOT the same girl as when i last wrote in this. not even close. i dont recognize her AT ALL."
i notice my vaugue sentence structure that doesnt bring back any memories, but makes me remember when i couldnt form a proper thought . i notice my excessive use of the word "fuck". i must have been a treat old friend. i am confused by the little girl hidden in the lapses of words. no wonder im being slapped by reality now; i did everything to avoid it back then. you should know, old friend, that you are now standing before a woman. and i want to slap that little girl.
well i guess i am back, old friend, because you can be some sort of comfort. i have felt the need to write down my thoughts once again because im almost sure not many will read them here. i seem to be well hidden here.
i first want to say that i still have that "stupid job selling costmetics". Not for long. im being laid off. hopefully soon, but it wont be soon enough. since the day i began this job i have been begging to get out of it but i have never been proactive about making it happen. i am....excited? to start a new chapter in my life. i need this push back out there because i think as im getting older i am starting to become more cautious and conservative: like a 65 year olds stock portfolio. at some point growing up i did have a spark that made me capable of anything and i almost think this job made me believe i was wrong. this job has made it quite clear to me that you cant do for others. you cant spend your life working for others, relying on a paycheck from them, relying on them to seek out your best intrests, because they wont. if its one thing ive learned in the past three years since we have spoken, old friend, its that noone really has your best intrests at heart. only you. you have to be in control of your life. you have to take charge and demand life sit at your feet and wait for you to take the first step. you have to tear down the barriers, and create bridges, and burn a forest or two. but it HAS to be you. then everything else falls in place. kind of.
the things that fall either need water and sun to grow, or immediate weed poison.
as i sit here, three years later i am sure, but lost. scared but anxious. happy, and sad. i have shaken off the feeling of needing help, and grown up enough to set my own standards, make my own way, and create my own life. i wish you could talk back, old friend. i think we write to you in hopes of validation.we re-read our own thoughts, as if someone else wrote them out.... this imaginative creation agrees with every thread of the thoughts we are having. and i need you for this now, old friend.