Can't sleep
it is almost 3 in the morning and for once i am awake and matthew isnt,... most of the time it is him that crawls into bed at 3 in the morning.. and then about 5 or 6 i start waking up. But yea.. anyways. I can't sleep. I had a baby dream again tonight. This one was a little different from the others. it wasn't about the abortion. and it wasn't about my finding out matthew knocked up another girl and i killed myself and the baby. No this one was about in the future. it really wasn't about Lillian being a baby she was a teenager and she was graduating. ANd on that day before she graduated I pulled out all my journals from middle school till when i stopped writing. and i printed off from this was well.. and i let her read about my life. I let her read about when i had my first crush in 6th grade. When my grandmother died in 8th grade and i went into a depression and i wasn't eating. I let her read about my first kiss in 9th grade. How i was raped in 9th grade. hpw my dad came down with cancer and almost died 4 times in 9th grade. How i was on the search for my real dad. How i was beat and left on the street. How i was cheated on by 4 different guys. and lied to by four different guys. I let her read about the homecomings and the 3 proms. about my first boyfriend and the goodtimes with my sister. about my first concert (it was godsmack) But what got to her was about how after i knew i was pregnant with her i started a journal called "when you have graduated" something that i wrote in ever day. It had thousansds of pages and i wrote in it almost everyday of her life. even the part of when she was in me. Her and I cried together as we read through the heard things. the things i had forgot about. I think i cried most when we read about amy. for those of you that don't know. last summer. My best friend shot herself in her basement. It was makes it worse was. I didn;t know she was going to do it. She has always been depressed but i had always been there to talk to her and help her work it out. she would crash at my house when she need to go away from her father who had raped her repeatedly. but i was away at a 6 week program at Bowdion college. and there was one buys week where i had essays and trips and college things to do. and i didn't call her once that week. and things got work up fast. so she shot herself. I still have her letter. I keep it close but i keep it hiden. no one could ever find it. it is to important. no one but I have ever read this letter. I miss her. I miss her so much. and I blame myself still. it is those hard times that when the person you normal turn to is gone. and this is a time when i need her in my life. I have wished some many times since feb. that i would find my dads gun that he has hidden in the house somewhere. and you know where i would shot myself. I would point it where my overie is. and i would fire. That is where i still hold the most pain. I have been bleeding alot lately. I have bled since that day. I am not supposed to be. I am on the shot. i know some people bleed from it. but i have gone since feb with out bleedig and suddenly i am again.. it is like a full period only worse it is worse then a heavy one. I have only bled this much one day in my life and that was when i have the surgey abortion done. I don't know why i am bleeding i just know i am really scared something isn't right in me right now. And i am wondering that even though Lillian. ( and people alway ask me why do you always say lillian. what is it was a boy). well i know it was a girl. you just know it. something inside you just lets you know. Anyway I have always wonder if even though lillian died before she even came outof me .. i wonder if she still went to heaven and if so. if she can hear me talk to her everynight. you know she would be 3 weeks old right now. She would be a week away from being a month. I would be looking down at her right now instead of being on her just rambling about what was on my . but i should go now. I think i am going to pull out a book and read. because i am not sure i will be sleeping to night. I have lillian and amy on my mind to much.