well im back
man, every one said this would get easier. but everyday i just sit here and wait for 2:36 to roll around. and i stil wait for her to call me, but she doesnt anymore. i cant belive this feeling in my stomach, its like nervous feeling not knowing what she is doing or who she is with, or even if she is happy. i miss racheal so much. she was so much apart of my life. she was my life. i seen her everyday after school. all day long. the weekends we were always together. now im just alone. she wont really even talk to me anymore. i feel like garbage. like something she just threw away and doesnt want to see anymore. i miss her so much. and i still love her. but i get the feeling that she doesnt miss me. not even love me , or even like me. its so hard to go from seeing her every day to not being able to even have a convesation with her. i love racheal so much. it just seems that i am annoying her. i just cant belive how fast all this happend. i just really wish i could get a 2nd chance. but i dont think she will ever even talk to me again. i told her that i couldnt be just her friend, i think thats un true. it would be really hard but just to be able to see her and talk to her would help me greatly. to be racheals friend would be differnt but, maybe it would be better again. i just dont think she wants to have anything to do with me. and i know that if she just seen me or hung out with me for even 30 mins she could see how much i have changed and how much i do care for her. that feelings back. i wonder how her day is going, but i wont know, i wonder if she has lots of homework, but i wont know, i wonder if i will ever get to know any of these things again. if i could go back i would change almost everything. wait no i wouldnt. not everything. we had some amazing times. the best i have ever had. i would just go back and appericate her the way she deseverd. the way i didnt show her. this was my first real g/f, and i learned alot. but to be honest i learnd more now than i did in the realation ship. i learned what these feelings really mean. before i thought i loved racheal. Now i know that i love racheal. she is everything to me, and to not have her right now when my life is changeing so drastically is really hard. i just wish she knew how much i miss her. i wish i could just show her how much i loved her. but she has like blinders on to me. when we talk on aim i get one word answers. last night i told her i would leave her alone, until she was ready to talk. but i dont want to. i just want to drive to her house throw her in my truck and drive her anywhere she wants. i just want to spend time with the most important person in my life. im sorry i didnt show u the attention you deserved and that will never happen again. i just really want you to think about taking me back, not even anytime soon, just think about it. i have changed so much, and i am ready to become the boyfriend that you always dreamed of. im sorry i couldnt be that person before, but i guess i was just learning everything. i have never done these things before. you were my first g/f i have ever had. and i never want to have another one. Baby i love you with everything i have inside my heart. my heart barly beats with out you. i am surviving on you memory. i need you racheal. i know i have been a dick. even after we broke up. but please under stand i am diffrent now. i want to be there for you. i want to sit there and watch the shows we used to watch. i want to watch Gilmore Girls, just because you like it. i just want to be in your life. Racheal, I Love you, and that will never change. god i miss you so much.