Frustrated.
Several things are on my mind.
1. Queer politics are so goddamn confusing. Gay and trans people span so many different cultures and religions and other characteristics that sometimes it seems as though we rarely agree on anything. There are queer people who think the very definition of queerness involves subverting mainstream culture and thus refuse to partake in any heteronormative institutions, including marriage and monogamy. There are queer people who don't identify with the queer or lgbt or gay community at all and simply view their sexuality as an extra thing added on to the list of things they may be with no particularly strong ties or connections to the rest of us. There are queer people who hate the word queer (which I understand, given it's atrocious history) and people who hate the word gay and people who hate labels in general and refuse to use any of them. There are queer people who want to fuck the man and be radical and protest and queer people who want to work within the system and will take whatever they can get in terms of legislation. There are queer people who are transphobic and queer people who are biphobic and even queer people who are homophobic. There are queer people who are rich and white and upper-class and queer people who are poor and black or brown or yellow or red or some combination of all of them and are working-class. There are queer people who are religious and queer people who are racist and sometimes it makes me just want to tear the hairs from my head in frustration.
Guess what guys? Those people who are fighting against us, all of us or any of us... they all agree on this: we're not the same as them and we don't deserve to have the same rights.
2. I see the path that I'm following and it all feels so familiar and I'm struggling to find my own self worth to stop that from happening. You'd think that simply knowing that you're doing the same things you did years ago or thinking the same way or acting in the same fashion will help you spur some change. It doesn't. And that is frustrating. You know those psych tests or surveys and shit when they ask you if you think people can change their inherent qualities or the most basic characteristics about them? It's times like this that make me think you can't. I will always put other people before myself. It's inevitable. That's how I feel good about myself, because I know that I can make other people feel good. It's when I can't that creates problems. It's when I have to make a decision and see myself going the same way and ask, "what's it gonna take to change?" (other than the extreme) that creates problems.
3. I suck at money. I'm quite sure I'll always be bad at this.
4. The happy person inside me wants to burst out and jump but I keep punching her in the face.
Ok, I feel slightly better. Bad lex is subdued.
.
Oh yeah, that reminds me. I had this convo with Caitlin a while ago, but when I start a "new life" (like get a real job where people don't know me or whatever) I'm going push the Lex on people. I love Alexis, I really do, but sometimes I get all tingly when people like Sammie or Rosa or Marie or India call me Lex. Well actually, maybe it's cause I don't push it on them that I like it...damn. Ok. New plan: use mind power to encourage people to call me that. :#
1. Queer politics are so goddamn confusing. Gay and trans people span so many different cultures and religions and other characteristics that sometimes it seems as though we rarely agree on anything. There are queer people who think the very definition of queerness involves subverting mainstream culture and thus refuse to partake in any heteronormative institutions, including marriage and monogamy. There are queer people who don't identify with the queer or lgbt or gay community at all and simply view their sexuality as an extra thing added on to the list of things they may be with no particularly strong ties or connections to the rest of us. There are queer people who hate the word queer (which I understand, given it's atrocious history) and people who hate the word gay and people who hate labels in general and refuse to use any of them. There are queer people who want to fuck the man and be radical and protest and queer people who want to work within the system and will take whatever they can get in terms of legislation. There are queer people who are transphobic and queer people who are biphobic and even queer people who are homophobic. There are queer people who are rich and white and upper-class and queer people who are poor and black or brown or yellow or red or some combination of all of them and are working-class. There are queer people who are religious and queer people who are racist and sometimes it makes me just want to tear the hairs from my head in frustration.
Guess what guys? Those people who are fighting against us, all of us or any of us... they all agree on this: we're not the same as them and we don't deserve to have the same rights.
2. I see the path that I'm following and it all feels so familiar and I'm struggling to find my own self worth to stop that from happening. You'd think that simply knowing that you're doing the same things you did years ago or thinking the same way or acting in the same fashion will help you spur some change. It doesn't. And that is frustrating. You know those psych tests or surveys and shit when they ask you if you think people can change their inherent qualities or the most basic characteristics about them? It's times like this that make me think you can't. I will always put other people before myself. It's inevitable. That's how I feel good about myself, because I know that I can make other people feel good. It's when I can't that creates problems. It's when I have to make a decision and see myself going the same way and ask, "what's it gonna take to change?" (other than the extreme) that creates problems.
3. I suck at money. I'm quite sure I'll always be bad at this.
4. The happy person inside me wants to burst out and jump but I keep punching her in the face.
Ok, I feel slightly better. Bad lex is subdued.
.
Oh yeah, that reminds me. I had this convo with Caitlin a while ago, but when I start a "new life" (like get a real job where people don't know me or whatever) I'm going push the Lex on people. I love Alexis, I really do, but sometimes I get all tingly when people like Sammie or Rosa or Marie or India call me Lex. Well actually, maybe it's cause I don't push it on them that I like it...damn. Ok. New plan: use mind power to encourage people to call me that. :#