i'm actually not that sorry that i love(d) you ever.

[this_time]

he showed up. for the two minutes before he walked into the store i could feel my heart beating in my stomach and thought i was going to be sick. i turned around and just smirked. than i didn't make eye contact with him for a good hour. he looked like Che Guevara - but not as accomplished. we talked about nonsense shit for a while. i cried a little but not because i was sad, because it was important to see him listening as i told him how much or little everything has meant. i said my peace. he made his peace. he might have been lying, we've changed. but the people we were (together) over three years ago do still exist (inside ourselves and in eachothers hearts) and it's obvious when we're next to eachother. the way i was drawn to his tulsai or the way he held onto my om. he would tell me stories about radharani sometimes, one was about how if you always tell someone you love them - it losses it's meaning. that it should be evident and not have to be reminded of. i have a lot of different feeling about that, probably because i never really understood. but no matter how many times he said i love you - while i was right in front of him, i didn't realize how much he did until i noticed he wouldn't let go of me for even a second the entire day and night. (and it wasn't anything sexual - it was about love) it was about not letting go for either of us.
i don't think we'll ever speak again. probably better that way - like a romantic story. small kiss goodbye, see you soon, take care of yourself and i love you. he walked north up my street to his rental car and me south to my car.
i'm not sad - i got my closure.

i met someone. my life is changing i don't know if for the better or worse.
i think i've disappointed jeff.

i've been on a diet of booze, water and no sleep for five days. it's like i'm 18 again.
things with my mom are not well.