i stand to lose everything i've gained.. and i wont let it happen. I WONT
i forgot what this feels like. I forgot...
flashback: the first night clint was at Case. Two years ago but in my mind as if it were yesterday. He hadn't texted me very much, hadn't returned the e-mail I sent, and hadn't called because it wasn't after nine. All I knew was he was off having a good time and I was sitting on my ass, miserable. When he got around to calling me, i wished he wouldn't. And after I got off the phone I wished even more that he hadn't. I got to listen to his story about hanging out with our best friends all night, having the time of his life even though the year had just started. And I was home. Alone. And wishing desparately that I was there.
can we say, instant replay? (Though mike has texted me more, it's true. Really, he is amazing.) But I'm miserable. I hate remembering what this feels like. I hate re-living these emotions. I'm really not sure if I can do it. But I'm also really not sure what choice I have. I was supposed to be stronger than this. It was supposed to be different this time around for me. I was supposed to be able to handle it better. And you know what I think it is? It's just jealousy, plain and simple. I can't handle having my boyfriend living a life i desparately want to be a part of without me. (esp when I could technically be a part of it) The good thing about how it ended up with Clint is that I became so much happier at OSU than I had ever been, so I didn't want to be a part of life at Case anymore. Of course with clint, I didn't get to that point before I became so worried and skeptical of his loyalty to our relationship that really it was never good.
But with Mike, I will never not want to be in Columbus. So I'm going to feel this way all quarter.
Wow it literally sickens me to feel these feelings again. Makes me SICK. I really can't fucking handle it. I want to punch and kick things and scream and cry and wail on anything in sight.
This is not healthy. This can't continue. I am not as strong as I want to be, and I guess that is all there is to it. I need to figure something out here but I have no idea what it will be. I AM SOME SORT OF SICK JEALOUS FREAK? WTF
flashback: the first night clint was at Case. Two years ago but in my mind as if it were yesterday. He hadn't texted me very much, hadn't returned the e-mail I sent, and hadn't called because it wasn't after nine. All I knew was he was off having a good time and I was sitting on my ass, miserable. When he got around to calling me, i wished he wouldn't. And after I got off the phone I wished even more that he hadn't. I got to listen to his story about hanging out with our best friends all night, having the time of his life even though the year had just started. And I was home. Alone. And wishing desparately that I was there.
can we say, instant replay? (Though mike has texted me more, it's true. Really, he is amazing.) But I'm miserable. I hate remembering what this feels like. I hate re-living these emotions. I'm really not sure if I can do it. But I'm also really not sure what choice I have. I was supposed to be stronger than this. It was supposed to be different this time around for me. I was supposed to be able to handle it better. And you know what I think it is? It's just jealousy, plain and simple. I can't handle having my boyfriend living a life i desparately want to be a part of without me. (esp when I could technically be a part of it) The good thing about how it ended up with Clint is that I became so much happier at OSU than I had ever been, so I didn't want to be a part of life at Case anymore. Of course with clint, I didn't get to that point before I became so worried and skeptical of his loyalty to our relationship that really it was never good.
But with Mike, I will never not want to be in Columbus. So I'm going to feel this way all quarter.
Wow it literally sickens me to feel these feelings again. Makes me SICK. I really can't fucking handle it. I want to punch and kick things and scream and cry and wail on anything in sight.
This is not healthy. This can't continue. I am not as strong as I want to be, and I guess that is all there is to it. I need to figure something out here but I have no idea what it will be. I AM SOME SORT OF SICK JEALOUS FREAK? WTF