(no subject)
So time is running up.
I've been through about a million emotions since May- every extreme, including empassioned soapbox anger, almostinsanity, suicidal yearnings/tempations, tranquil contentedness, incoherent elation inflicting this crazy feeling that makes me dance (yes, dance.) like an old lady who won the jackpot, glorious awe, and enlightened euphoria.
It's been... interesting.
The days before I leave are dwindling. I've found a lot of refuge in reading and music. Words mostly. They're comforting. Tiny phrases with enormous impact.
I've done a lot of people watching everywhere. Sometimes it makes me smile, other times cry, almost always from beauty, sometimes from the tragedy of innocence. It's one of my favorite things to do alone. I think I am going to take up my almostsecret project of notemaking, or at least I've constantly plagued my mind with the belief. Even if I don't do it down here, I'll try up there. I wish I would have had the courage to do it before.
Courage is still something I lack.
I've had a lot of problems the past few months with the people I care about. I guess I'd forgotten what it was like to have the people you love hurt you. Such is life. One of my biggest fears is that everything will fall apart beyond repair. I know that when I come back nothing will be how I left it.
It hurts to think about it.
Some nights I sit in the backseat of the car and cry excrutiatingly, I guess the word is sob, deeply. and despite the fact that I sit with three others, no one knows a thing - partially from my persistence in trying to be quiet, partially because of headphones and music, partially from the motions of the machines and the road, the aid of conversation and distance, all with some help from the darkness.
100% of the time, I try to be strong, but only 99% of the time can I pretend with others that I truly am.
But I am not invincible, and as a result, I am taken by a great sorrow. It is a very lonely and solitary sorrow that I alone carry. That's not to say that it's never been experienced, or that no one is experiencing it because that would be an outright lie, but I carry it alone in that I am going alone, and it is a sadness that I suppose only the journeyer can feel.
I wish it on no one.
I am very afraid. But my love is with everyone. Everyone. Those I know and don't. Those I saw and watched, and those my eyes have never seen. I've felt them in my heart. I felt them beside me, inside of me; they are part of me. You are part of me, and I, you. If anything should happen, if everything should happen. Let us be full of love, and wonder, and awe.
I've been through about a million emotions since May- every extreme, including empassioned soapbox anger, almostinsanity, suicidal yearnings/tempations, tranquil contentedness, incoherent elation inflicting this crazy feeling that makes me dance (yes, dance.) like an old lady who won the jackpot, glorious awe, and enlightened euphoria.
It's been... interesting.
The days before I leave are dwindling. I've found a lot of refuge in reading and music. Words mostly. They're comforting. Tiny phrases with enormous impact.
I've done a lot of people watching everywhere. Sometimes it makes me smile, other times cry, almost always from beauty, sometimes from the tragedy of innocence. It's one of my favorite things to do alone. I think I am going to take up my almostsecret project of notemaking, or at least I've constantly plagued my mind with the belief. Even if I don't do it down here, I'll try up there. I wish I would have had the courage to do it before.
Courage is still something I lack.
I've had a lot of problems the past few months with the people I care about. I guess I'd forgotten what it was like to have the people you love hurt you. Such is life. One of my biggest fears is that everything will fall apart beyond repair. I know that when I come back nothing will be how I left it.
It hurts to think about it.
Some nights I sit in the backseat of the car and cry excrutiatingly, I guess the word is sob, deeply. and despite the fact that I sit with three others, no one knows a thing - partially from my persistence in trying to be quiet, partially because of headphones and music, partially from the motions of the machines and the road, the aid of conversation and distance, all with some help from the darkness.
100% of the time, I try to be strong, but only 99% of the time can I pretend with others that I truly am.
But I am not invincible, and as a result, I am taken by a great sorrow. It is a very lonely and solitary sorrow that I alone carry. That's not to say that it's never been experienced, or that no one is experiencing it because that would be an outright lie, but I carry it alone in that I am going alone, and it is a sadness that I suppose only the journeyer can feel.
I wish it on no one.
I am very afraid. But my love is with everyone. Everyone. Those I know and don't. Those I saw and watched, and those my eyes have never seen. I've felt them in my heart. I felt them beside me, inside of me; they are part of me. You are part of me, and I, you. If anything should happen, if everything should happen. Let us be full of love, and wonder, and awe.