(no subject)
It's funny, there have been quite a few days where I've felt like updating, but today I've had no urge to do so.. just a random hey, there IS something to do right now.
Yesterday, at about noonish, I finished my time at Mt. SAC, officially. I handed my blue book full of historical half rememberances to Ralph Spaulding, engaged in some small talk, extended my hand toward his, exchanged rather warm smiles with him, and walked out of a Mt. San Antonio College classroom I may very well never enter again. I passed a girl named Sara, talked about the future, and mistakenly said I'd see her later. I laid on the grass, under a tree that was nearly directly below the sun, and the breeze floated through the leaves and branches a in a way that left me gently contented and just as light.
Now it's time to transfer to a 4-year university.
Initially, the first UC school I was admitted to was Irvine. I found out seconds after Bryan discovered his own acceptance, and we were full of an overwhelming joy. In the coming days and weeks, we talked of how we'd be neighbors, how we'd visit frequently, how we'd walk to classes together (our Colleges would have been right across from each other), joked that we'd wave to one another from our classroom windows, and talked about how he'd come over and we'd cook vegan food together. We were overly elated with the idea of living in the same apartment complex, going to the same school for two years, and sharing a so-far-unique, unconcealed happiness and closeness.
Later, we both got into UCR, but we were set on UCI and our little happy dreams. Then came May 1st. I hadn't heard from LA yet, but I was magically admitted to Berkeley. I was shocked, amazed, and ohmygoodnessed out. I decided I would wait to hear from LA to decide which school I would go to. Within a week, LA finally changed my "In Review" late status to unaccepted. From the beginning, Bryan and I had said that if only one of us got into a better school, that person should go there, no matter what. So, the good news turned bad when he didn't get into Berkeley. I figured I would wait and think it over for awhile before making a final decision, weighing the different majors, the quarter vs. semester systems, the workloads, the distance, the trying to have an extra-long-distance relationship, the whole leaving my comfort zone thing... but the only thing I could keep thinking was that I would regret it for the rest of my life I didn't make this change in my life... all out of fear.
So, three days ago, Tuesday night, beside a boy in anguish, I submitted my Statement of Intent to Register at the University of California, Berkeley. Today, I paid my hundred dollar SIR fee and began to look at my housing options. Of the 5 schools I applied to [CSUF & UCR for Sociology, UCI for Social Ecology, UCLA & UCB for (Mass) Communication(s)], I was admitted to all but UCLA. At a Cal welcome/orientation-type thing I went to, at the LAX Hilton, a met another girl who told me why. In this case, had I not applied to Cal, I might not be relocating so distantly. But what's done is done, and though there will be some major obstacles, I think I've made a good choice. I'm both excited and scared about the future. It'll be sad to leave. I know it will be hard for my mom and sister especially, but I know they'll be all right in time. They've got each other. I'm going to miss lots of familiar faces, places, and things. I know I'm going to worry about everyone.. my mom and her incessant hidden stresses, Raquel in her last year of high school, Nick in his constant pursuit of something better, my grandparents and their health, and Tracy with her deep-rooted, ineffable skepticisms. But every one of them will be all right without me around. The only one that might not be is Bryan, which saddens me. I know it'll be him that misses me. Nonetheless, I'm set on doing this and making our relationship work. I have no idea how, but I'm terribly in love with him, so it will, somehow. Or so I hope, times infinity.
I know that for everything I'm going to miss, I'm going to have something new to learn, to try, to experience, and to take with me. I also know it's not going to be easy, and I'll probably want to die at some point/s, but I'm honesty looking forward to the change, the fear, the good, the bad... all of it. Mostly, I'm striken with the knowledge that I have no idea what's going to happen. Therein lies all that I'm ready to embrace.
Cal is on the semester schedule, unfortunately, so I'll be moving in mid to late August. Accordingly, there are 3 months before the Jessica of Southern California destructs.
I am watching
Guarding the moments
They are leaving like all of you
Yesterday, at about noonish, I finished my time at Mt. SAC, officially. I handed my blue book full of historical half rememberances to Ralph Spaulding, engaged in some small talk, extended my hand toward his, exchanged rather warm smiles with him, and walked out of a Mt. San Antonio College classroom I may very well never enter again. I passed a girl named Sara, talked about the future, and mistakenly said I'd see her later. I laid on the grass, under a tree that was nearly directly below the sun, and the breeze floated through the leaves and branches a in a way that left me gently contented and just as light.
Now it's time to transfer to a 4-year university.
Initially, the first UC school I was admitted to was Irvine. I found out seconds after Bryan discovered his own acceptance, and we were full of an overwhelming joy. In the coming days and weeks, we talked of how we'd be neighbors, how we'd visit frequently, how we'd walk to classes together (our Colleges would have been right across from each other), joked that we'd wave to one another from our classroom windows, and talked about how he'd come over and we'd cook vegan food together. We were overly elated with the idea of living in the same apartment complex, going to the same school for two years, and sharing a so-far-unique, unconcealed happiness and closeness.
Later, we both got into UCR, but we were set on UCI and our little happy dreams. Then came May 1st. I hadn't heard from LA yet, but I was magically admitted to Berkeley. I was shocked, amazed, and ohmygoodnessed out. I decided I would wait to hear from LA to decide which school I would go to. Within a week, LA finally changed my "In Review" late status to unaccepted. From the beginning, Bryan and I had said that if only one of us got into a better school, that person should go there, no matter what. So, the good news turned bad when he didn't get into Berkeley. I figured I would wait and think it over for awhile before making a final decision, weighing the different majors, the quarter vs. semester systems, the workloads, the distance, the trying to have an extra-long-distance relationship, the whole leaving my comfort zone thing... but the only thing I could keep thinking was that I would regret it for the rest of my life I didn't make this change in my life... all out of fear.
So, three days ago, Tuesday night, beside a boy in anguish, I submitted my Statement of Intent to Register at the University of California, Berkeley. Today, I paid my hundred dollar SIR fee and began to look at my housing options. Of the 5 schools I applied to [CSUF & UCR for Sociology, UCI for Social Ecology, UCLA & UCB for (Mass) Communication(s)], I was admitted to all but UCLA. At a Cal welcome/orientation-type thing I went to, at the LAX Hilton, a met another girl who told me why. In this case, had I not applied to Cal, I might not be relocating so distantly. But what's done is done, and though there will be some major obstacles, I think I've made a good choice. I'm both excited and scared about the future. It'll be sad to leave. I know it will be hard for my mom and sister especially, but I know they'll be all right in time. They've got each other. I'm going to miss lots of familiar faces, places, and things. I know I'm going to worry about everyone.. my mom and her incessant hidden stresses, Raquel in her last year of high school, Nick in his constant pursuit of something better, my grandparents and their health, and Tracy with her deep-rooted, ineffable skepticisms. But every one of them will be all right without me around. The only one that might not be is Bryan, which saddens me. I know it'll be him that misses me. Nonetheless, I'm set on doing this and making our relationship work. I have no idea how, but I'm terribly in love with him, so it will, somehow. Or so I hope, times infinity.
I know that for everything I'm going to miss, I'm going to have something new to learn, to try, to experience, and to take with me. I also know it's not going to be easy, and I'll probably want to die at some point/s, but I'm honesty looking forward to the change, the fear, the good, the bad... all of it. Mostly, I'm striken with the knowledge that I have no idea what's going to happen. Therein lies all that I'm ready to embrace.
Cal is on the semester schedule, unfortunately, so I'll be moving in mid to late August. Accordingly, there are 3 months before the Jessica of Southern California destructs.
I am watching
Guarding the moments
They are leaving like all of you