take a good look around you
Let's start at the beginning, then, because I think I have figured this out (to a degree).
What I need is to be loved. I need to care, and I need to be cared about in return. I've got feelings, emotions, and what have you that I don't quite know what to do with, and it's more than a possibility that those feelings and emotions are best expressed when directed to another person. This, of course, leads eventually to a pretty debilitating vulnerability that I'm still trying to make myself wary of. These feelings and emotions yearn to reach out from within and wrap themselves around another person...but they cannot do that without willing reciprocation. Without a return of emotions, it doesn't seem (at least at this point) as though my own can be put to rest. Without my feelings at rest, obviously, my mind can't be put at ease, and so on and so forth. (Dear God, I hope nobody ever reads this.)
The problem, then, is that because I find myself in a position that puts me predisposed to yearning for such a connection, I am understandably at somewhat of a disadvantage during the preliminary stages of forging such a relationship. I, all to eager to be where I was eighteen months ago, have a tendency, I suppose, to forgo the initial nonchalance, instead heading straight for what is supposed to take a bit more time to develop. This, of course, is also where the game playing comes in. I'm obviously supposed to be playing the game from the very beginning. The winning strategy here is to make it look like I don't give a shit, but not in a way that makes me look like an asshole. I guess it's more of a strategic asshole kind of situation. Apparently feigned indifference is more attractive than a genuine heart...in which case I'm screwed. Anyhow, not only does the game require that I play it, but it would seem as though I'm running the marathon with a sprained ankle, as my emotional condition puts me at a disadvantage when it comes time to seem indifferent, because that's the farthest thing from what I want to be. It's like I'm ready to just spend some time with someone. I have such an earnest desire (that word, again...) to be in the company of someone that appreciates me and that I appreciate in return...it's hard to balance that with the fact that other people might not be exactly where I am. In no way would I consider myself emotionally unstable. I think given the events of the last year or two, my current emotional state is completely acceptable and understandable...if anything, I think I dealt with my situation in a way that most people wouldn't have. But even so, it makes it tough to play the game and do things right. It's tough not to fuck things up and seem creepy/overbearing/etc from the very beginning.
This is exactly the problem I had. And within the last half hour, I've figured out what I've been trying to understand for the last few days. It wasn't until very recently that the gravity of my reactions do the girl situation completely dawned upon me. I had been dating Madeline for longer than I had been dating this last lady, and her "ending things," so to speak, really didn't affect me in any way close to the way this last one did. This last one left a taste in my mouth that I almost hadn't felt in a year. It left a lingering sting that seemed to chase after me everywhere I went. Things I heard, saw, read, or wrote were once again able to trigger within me a feeling so complex and yet so simple that it defies logical explanation. Written word simply cannot begin to describe the degree and combination of frustration, sadness, and so many other feelings and emotions that were called to the surface yet again. It was strange, feeling that way once more. The familiarity of it all was what frightened me so...the last girl that was able to do this to me had been mine for a year and a half--in all prudence, I think it was safe to say we were in love. So why, then, does a girl that I've been seeing for just under a month have the power to bring forth these feelings once again? Why does it hurt to read things she's written or think of things that we have inside jokes about? We were only seeing each other for a month, for fuck's sake! The absurdity of the situation is staggering, but there's no denying that she left me markedly sadder than any girl has in about a year. Of course, this isn't to say that any of the feelings I felt because of her were anywhere close in magnitude to those inspired by my ex-girlfriend. But they were certainly similar...similar enough to make me wonder, at least.
And like I said, the last girl I was involved with lasted even longer, but certainly didn't call forth such emotions as this one did. And then I think I realized it. At the beginning, at least, this last girl made me feel loved. She made me feel like she couldn't stop thinking about me (and to give her the benefit of the doubt, it really seemed like she couldn't). She made me feel loved, cared about, and cherished. She made me feel feelings whose last presence I honestly can't remember. For once, I was starting to care about someone, and she was caring about me back. And the reason that it hurt so badly when it was over was because of how quickly the rug was pulled from under me. It sounds more malicious than I really mean it to be, but I was teased with what I've been struggling to come to grips with for about a year now. It was something that I had gotten used to in the last year, and it was brought back with stunning clarity...and now I have to get used to it all over again. And that's why this last month or so has seemed like such an odd, yet familiar diorama of the hell I went through a year ago. And like I said, it's important to keep in mind that this was obviously nowhere near the magnitude, scope, or importance of what I went through all those months ago. This was just a taste, but it's an unpleasant one to be sure. I'm learning again, it seems, how to cope with myself, and how to appreciate what I have here before me...there's certainly got to be more of it than one sees at first glance.
hold your head up, you silly girl
look what you've done
When you find yourself in the thick of it
help yourself to a bit of what is all around you
silly girl
What I need is to be loved. I need to care, and I need to be cared about in return. I've got feelings, emotions, and what have you that I don't quite know what to do with, and it's more than a possibility that those feelings and emotions are best expressed when directed to another person. This, of course, leads eventually to a pretty debilitating vulnerability that I'm still trying to make myself wary of. These feelings and emotions yearn to reach out from within and wrap themselves around another person...but they cannot do that without willing reciprocation. Without a return of emotions, it doesn't seem (at least at this point) as though my own can be put to rest. Without my feelings at rest, obviously, my mind can't be put at ease, and so on and so forth. (Dear God, I hope nobody ever reads this.)
The problem, then, is that because I find myself in a position that puts me predisposed to yearning for such a connection, I am understandably at somewhat of a disadvantage during the preliminary stages of forging such a relationship. I, all to eager to be where I was eighteen months ago, have a tendency, I suppose, to forgo the initial nonchalance, instead heading straight for what is supposed to take a bit more time to develop. This, of course, is also where the game playing comes in. I'm obviously supposed to be playing the game from the very beginning. The winning strategy here is to make it look like I don't give a shit, but not in a way that makes me look like an asshole. I guess it's more of a strategic asshole kind of situation. Apparently feigned indifference is more attractive than a genuine heart...in which case I'm screwed. Anyhow, not only does the game require that I play it, but it would seem as though I'm running the marathon with a sprained ankle, as my emotional condition puts me at a disadvantage when it comes time to seem indifferent, because that's the farthest thing from what I want to be. It's like I'm ready to just spend some time with someone. I have such an earnest desire (that word, again...) to be in the company of someone that appreciates me and that I appreciate in return...it's hard to balance that with the fact that other people might not be exactly where I am. In no way would I consider myself emotionally unstable. I think given the events of the last year or two, my current emotional state is completely acceptable and understandable...if anything, I think I dealt with my situation in a way that most people wouldn't have. But even so, it makes it tough to play the game and do things right. It's tough not to fuck things up and seem creepy/overbearing/etc from the very beginning.
This is exactly the problem I had. And within the last half hour, I've figured out what I've been trying to understand for the last few days. It wasn't until very recently that the gravity of my reactions do the girl situation completely dawned upon me. I had been dating Madeline for longer than I had been dating this last lady, and her "ending things," so to speak, really didn't affect me in any way close to the way this last one did. This last one left a taste in my mouth that I almost hadn't felt in a year. It left a lingering sting that seemed to chase after me everywhere I went. Things I heard, saw, read, or wrote were once again able to trigger within me a feeling so complex and yet so simple that it defies logical explanation. Written word simply cannot begin to describe the degree and combination of frustration, sadness, and so many other feelings and emotions that were called to the surface yet again. It was strange, feeling that way once more. The familiarity of it all was what frightened me so...the last girl that was able to do this to me had been mine for a year and a half--in all prudence, I think it was safe to say we were in love. So why, then, does a girl that I've been seeing for just under a month have the power to bring forth these feelings once again? Why does it hurt to read things she's written or think of things that we have inside jokes about? We were only seeing each other for a month, for fuck's sake! The absurdity of the situation is staggering, but there's no denying that she left me markedly sadder than any girl has in about a year. Of course, this isn't to say that any of the feelings I felt because of her were anywhere close in magnitude to those inspired by my ex-girlfriend. But they were certainly similar...similar enough to make me wonder, at least.
And like I said, the last girl I was involved with lasted even longer, but certainly didn't call forth such emotions as this one did. And then I think I realized it. At the beginning, at least, this last girl made me feel loved. She made me feel like she couldn't stop thinking about me (and to give her the benefit of the doubt, it really seemed like she couldn't). She made me feel loved, cared about, and cherished. She made me feel feelings whose last presence I honestly can't remember. For once, I was starting to care about someone, and she was caring about me back. And the reason that it hurt so badly when it was over was because of how quickly the rug was pulled from under me. It sounds more malicious than I really mean it to be, but I was teased with what I've been struggling to come to grips with for about a year now. It was something that I had gotten used to in the last year, and it was brought back with stunning clarity...and now I have to get used to it all over again. And that's why this last month or so has seemed like such an odd, yet familiar diorama of the hell I went through a year ago. And like I said, it's important to keep in mind that this was obviously nowhere near the magnitude, scope, or importance of what I went through all those months ago. This was just a taste, but it's an unpleasant one to be sure. I'm learning again, it seems, how to cope with myself, and how to appreciate what I have here before me...there's certainly got to be more of it than one sees at first glance.
hold your head up, you silly girl
look what you've done
When you find yourself in the thick of it
help yourself to a bit of what is all around you
silly girl