ok, here goes nothing.
personal feelings on a personal level.
one year ALMOST 8 months.
remembering back to almost that long ago, i can remember a lot of happy times. the sad thing is, i can remember a lot of the crappy times too. probably even MORESO than i do the happy times. i cried almost every night at one point just thinking about what i did so wrong to deserve the way i was being treated. he played with my emotions and toyed with my heart.
i can remember the way it felt to be in your arms and to talk in our little voice to one another.
i can remember the way it was to curl up and watch a movie for 6 hrs in a row.
i can remember the way it was to feel safe with you.
i can remember that i would always lay in your right arm because i fit so perfectly.
i can remember our holidays and our family gatherings.
i can remember the way it was to wear that ring on my finger or that necklace around my neck.
i can remember the way it was to go to the beach on a winter's day.
i can remember the way it was to sit on my front stoop and just talk.
i can remember the first time you said i love you and the last time we said goodbye.
i can remember our first kiss.
i can remember watching the fireworks on the fourth of july on a beach because that was always my fantasy.
i can remember all of the love i was given and all the love that i gave.
and to tell you the truth, i didnt cry while writing this.
usually, i would sob through something like this.
i guess i realized that this is just another step; another phase, of my life.
i love the fact that i shared almost every first experience with you.
i love the fact that i dont regret us in the least.
the only thing i regret is not listening to my heart or my head the first time you lied bc i know i wouldnt have wasted more tears then i already had on you.
i can remember the bad times too.
i can remember the times i have cried over you.
i can remember the lies.
the hurt.
i can remember the name calling.
i can remember the way it was to find out the lies.
i can remember every occasion like it was yesterday.
i can remember you and me and our fights.
i can remember the way you walked away.
i can remember ALL of the times you've walked away.
i can remember the time you told me that if you ever treated me like shit it was bc you wanted out of the relationship bc thats what you did in the past.
i can remember the shit you treated me like just to get out bc you were too much of a bitch to do it yourself.
i can remember the way we broke up last- for good.
i can remember that a few days later i wanted to hear your voice and the way you rejected every call.
i can remember that those few days later i got my wisdom teeth out and you didnt even try to see if i was ok.
i can remember that today, on my birthday, i didnt even get a call...but im glad i didnt bc i wouldnt have answered.
i can remember the tears that formed in my eyes when i listened to songs with lyrics that remind me of you.
i can remember that for closure, since you didnt call ever, just a text when you called me "fucked up", i sent you a letter for an explanation and with pictures that i had of you.
of us.
i can remember that you really dont care and you probably never have.
i can remember it all.
every second.
i can remember you and i together.
and i will never forget it.
bc you were apart of me.
still are.
always will be.
it's just that you will now be a faded memory.
you will always have that part of me.
always that spot in my heart to remember you by.
i only hope that you will remember me.
even though you are probably too stoned all of the time; trying to rid me from your memory bank.
i hope that one day you can share our story to your next girlfriend and instead of you saying that it was fucked up and you that you wished it never happened, like you did to me about your past girlfriends, i hope you can tell her that at one point i was your everything.
tell her the way we kissed.
tell her the way it was to hold me.
tell her that you loved me.
the way you told me.
and even more than that, tell her that you were IN love with me.
bc if you dont, that would be a lie.
but what more can i expect?
i know you did love me in the beginning.
i know you were in love with me.
i know that you would have gone to the opposite end of the world for a glimpse of me in the beginning.
i wont take that away from you.
the only thing that makes me upset/angry is that the last time we were together, you said you loved me and that you were in love with me.
but for whatever reason, i think that was a lie.
i think that was to TELL yourself that you did instead of knowing you did.
and its ok.
people fall out of love.
i just wish it didnt happen to us.
but you know?
it made me stronger.
made me grow wiser.
and you know what?
now im going a plane to buffalo.
ive been on an elevator.
and i will get my license.
i have grown stronger, wiser, more aware of my surroundings.
i love you, sean.
actually, i loveD you.
and i can say that with confidence now.
you were my everything.
my breath.
my sun.
and i can say it without crying now.
and i hope you can do the same.
may you live, succeed, and love.
to our relationship for almost one year and eight months.
cheers.
<3
one year ALMOST 8 months.
remembering back to almost that long ago, i can remember a lot of happy times. the sad thing is, i can remember a lot of the crappy times too. probably even MORESO than i do the happy times. i cried almost every night at one point just thinking about what i did so wrong to deserve the way i was being treated. he played with my emotions and toyed with my heart.
i can remember the way it felt to be in your arms and to talk in our little voice to one another.
i can remember the way it was to curl up and watch a movie for 6 hrs in a row.
i can remember the way it was to feel safe with you.
i can remember that i would always lay in your right arm because i fit so perfectly.
i can remember our holidays and our family gatherings.
i can remember the way it was to wear that ring on my finger or that necklace around my neck.
i can remember the way it was to go to the beach on a winter's day.
i can remember the way it was to sit on my front stoop and just talk.
i can remember the first time you said i love you and the last time we said goodbye.
i can remember our first kiss.
i can remember watching the fireworks on the fourth of july on a beach because that was always my fantasy.
i can remember all of the love i was given and all the love that i gave.
and to tell you the truth, i didnt cry while writing this.
usually, i would sob through something like this.
i guess i realized that this is just another step; another phase, of my life.
i love the fact that i shared almost every first experience with you.
i love the fact that i dont regret us in the least.
the only thing i regret is not listening to my heart or my head the first time you lied bc i know i wouldnt have wasted more tears then i already had on you.
i can remember the bad times too.
i can remember the times i have cried over you.
i can remember the lies.
the hurt.
i can remember the name calling.
i can remember the way it was to find out the lies.
i can remember every occasion like it was yesterday.
i can remember you and me and our fights.
i can remember the way you walked away.
i can remember ALL of the times you've walked away.
i can remember the time you told me that if you ever treated me like shit it was bc you wanted out of the relationship bc thats what you did in the past.
i can remember the shit you treated me like just to get out bc you were too much of a bitch to do it yourself.
i can remember the way we broke up last- for good.
i can remember that a few days later i wanted to hear your voice and the way you rejected every call.
i can remember that those few days later i got my wisdom teeth out and you didnt even try to see if i was ok.
i can remember that today, on my birthday, i didnt even get a call...but im glad i didnt bc i wouldnt have answered.
i can remember the tears that formed in my eyes when i listened to songs with lyrics that remind me of you.
i can remember that for closure, since you didnt call ever, just a text when you called me "fucked up", i sent you a letter for an explanation and with pictures that i had of you.
of us.
i can remember that you really dont care and you probably never have.
i can remember it all.
every second.
i can remember you and i together.
and i will never forget it.
bc you were apart of me.
still are.
always will be.
it's just that you will now be a faded memory.
you will always have that part of me.
always that spot in my heart to remember you by.
i only hope that you will remember me.
even though you are probably too stoned all of the time; trying to rid me from your memory bank.
i hope that one day you can share our story to your next girlfriend and instead of you saying that it was fucked up and you that you wished it never happened, like you did to me about your past girlfriends, i hope you can tell her that at one point i was your everything.
tell her the way we kissed.
tell her the way it was to hold me.
tell her that you loved me.
the way you told me.
and even more than that, tell her that you were IN love with me.
bc if you dont, that would be a lie.
but what more can i expect?
i know you did love me in the beginning.
i know you were in love with me.
i know that you would have gone to the opposite end of the world for a glimpse of me in the beginning.
i wont take that away from you.
the only thing that makes me upset/angry is that the last time we were together, you said you loved me and that you were in love with me.
but for whatever reason, i think that was a lie.
i think that was to TELL yourself that you did instead of knowing you did.
and its ok.
people fall out of love.
i just wish it didnt happen to us.
but you know?
it made me stronger.
made me grow wiser.
and you know what?
now im going a plane to buffalo.
ive been on an elevator.
and i will get my license.
i have grown stronger, wiser, more aware of my surroundings.
i love you, sean.
actually, i loveD you.
and i can say that with confidence now.
you were my everything.
my breath.
my sun.
and i can say it without crying now.
and i hope you can do the same.
may you live, succeed, and love.
to our relationship for almost one year and eight months.
cheers.
<3