entry 120 - it doesn't matter anymore
Title: It Doesn't Matter Anymore
Author: stelladelnordxd / think4paperinkw
Beta-Edited: by no one.
Pairings/Characters: James Potter/Lily Evans and Severus Snape/Lily Evans
Word Count: 1,160 Words
Rating: Uh. R? NC-17? PG-14? Fuck if I know.
Genre: Angst?
Spoilers: None.
Status: Complete.
Summary: The wind was howling the first night it happened...
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. If I did, there'd never be a 'good' Snape /scoffs/
Warnings Infidelity on Lily's end.
Notes: I wrote this for a challenge for HiH. For most of it, I had no idea who the main characters were going to be, but then the last scene happened, so, yeah. I'm thinking of a sequel, but who knows. Enjoy :D
[Spoiler (click to open)]
The night it first happened, the wind was howling. She wishes she could focus on something else about that night - maybe the fact that it was an early day in October, or that she had received an outstanding mark on one of her essays. Hell, she wishes she could even focus on the fact that the night it happened, she had fought with the one person she thought she'd never fight with. Instead though, the only thing that she can focus on is what his lips feel like on her neck, her breasts, her stomach, her - well, you get the picture. Even after it happened, the dull throb in between her legs keeping her awake, the only thing she could focus on was that the wind had been howling throughout and his mouth.
When she tried to close her eyes and fall asleep, her bed empty and lonely, she would imagine what his body felt like pressed up against hers, and the wind would howl even louder, as if knowing her thoughts and feeling betrayed by them. So she would open her eyes and let out a sigh, shake her head, and turn to face another side of the dormitory.
The night it first happened, she didn't sleep at all, and it wasn't because she felt no guilt over the act - even if she should. It was because she wanted more, wanted it to continue, to feel as cherished as she had then, once more. The wind had continued to howl that night.
***
The night it happened for a second time, she had just come from her boyfriend's. They had gotten over their previous fight, after an extensive amount of grovelling on his end for calling her such an ugly term. They had made love upon his apology and it was then that she had felt absolutely disgusted and guilty with herself. Here her boyfriend was, apology accepted, making love to her and all she could think about was him. If she was being truly honest with herself, all she wanted was him. The night between her boyfriend and herself was over with quickly, and she couldn't help but get out of there as soon as she could.
"I just remembered I had a huge assignment due," She states, faking apologetic as she got dressed. He had nodded with a smile before turning around and closing his eyes. She had left then, no guilt coursing through her body as she made her way to her house's tower, slipping up the stairs into the boys' dormitory softly, climbing into bed with him with a happy sigh.
She could feel the confusion in his body as he woke up with her touch, believing that their first night was their only night. But she knew that that would never be true. She whispered that she wanted him, wanted to be with him and that that thought scared the shit out of her.
She even whispered that she was with her boyfriend before, and the only thing she could think about was him, and that he absolutely ruined her for anyone else. It was then that she could feel the soft smile against her neck and it was then that everything changed.
***
The numerous times after that - and boy, did she mean numerous - weren't all at night. After their second night, she found herself pulling away from her boyfriend more and more and going to him instead. And sometimes, she would find him during class time, where she'd pull him into a spare broom cupboard, or before classes, where she'd charm the area around his bed.
She liked to say that those times were the best times. That would be a lie though, because while those times were certainly fun - especially when they would sneak out during classes - the best times was when it was slow, pleasurable and full of love. Those were often the best times. All of the other times - quick, hurried, secretive, could never compare to the ones where he whispered he loved her and she whispered it back.
***
Four months after their first night, and it was February 14th. She was on a date with her boyfriend, and just being there wasn't something she wanted to be doing. Instead, she had wanted to be with him, fulfilling all of the things he promised her for that night. However, she was with her boyfriend, glaring at the woman that was sitting across from her, sitting with him. And while she knew she had no right to be jealous -
She was. She was incredibly jealous, because he should be with her. And she knew she had no right to be because her boyfriend was in front of her, staring into her eyes searchingly, wondering why she had been pulling away from him, and for so long too.
With a sigh, she turned towards her boyfriend and let out a placating smile, playing with the napkin on her plate, frowning slightly as her boyfriend scowled at her. He had opened his mouth to say something, probably something sickening like 'I love you' when his table was jerked off of the ground as the female stood up angrily.
"Everyone knows you and Evans are fucking, Potter," She snarls and her eyes widen as she notices her boyfriend's own eyes narrow, his face turn whiter than it currently is out of the corner of her eye.
"Everyone but her stupid boyfriend, of course," The other female smarts, and she cringes backwards when said boyfriend looks at her with betrayal in his eyes. She looks down briefly before looking back up at him defiantly; a tilt of her chin showing just how much she cares.
"You didn't used to be like this," He whispers, leaning backwards in shock. She nods slightly, knowing how true that is.
"You stopped giving me what I needed," She replies, narrowing her eyes.
"Since when?"
"The night of our fight. He-"
"He took an opportunity!" Her boyfriend snarls and she finds herself narrowing her eyes even more, baring her teeth at the young man.
"And I let him! I wanted him to! I was kidding myself, Severus, thinking I wasn't attracted to James."
"James? You call Potter, James?" Severus snarls, standing up at his own table as his fists clench at his side.
"I love him!" She shouts, standing up in defense of herself, noting the wide grin on James' face, causing her cheeks to redden. Sure, she's whispered it to him in the darkness of night, but now - shouting it in front of everyone - well, it was kind of thrilling.
She briefly hears an, 'Aw hell, Prongs," come from Sirius' mouth and hides a giggle in her chest before looking up at Severus sadly.
"We were already over a long time ago, Severus." She whispers, stepping backwards. She can see the hurt shining in Severus' eyes, and she wishes she could care.
But she doesn't.
***
Author: stelladelnordxd / think4paperinkw
Beta-Edited: by no one.
Pairings/Characters: James Potter/Lily Evans and Severus Snape/Lily Evans
Word Count: 1,160 Words
Rating: Uh. R? NC-17? PG-14? Fuck if I know.
Genre: Angst?
Spoilers: None.
Status: Complete.
Summary: The wind was howling the first night it happened...
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. If I did, there'd never be a 'good' Snape /scoffs/
Warnings Infidelity on Lily's end.
Notes: I wrote this for a challenge for HiH. For most of it, I had no idea who the main characters were going to be, but then the last scene happened, so, yeah. I'm thinking of a sequel, but who knows. Enjoy :D
[Spoiler (click to open)]
The night it first happened, the wind was howling. She wishes she could focus on something else about that night - maybe the fact that it was an early day in October, or that she had received an outstanding mark on one of her essays. Hell, she wishes she could even focus on the fact that the night it happened, she had fought with the one person she thought she'd never fight with. Instead though, the only thing that she can focus on is what his lips feel like on her neck, her breasts, her stomach, her - well, you get the picture. Even after it happened, the dull throb in between her legs keeping her awake, the only thing she could focus on was that the wind had been howling throughout and his mouth.
When she tried to close her eyes and fall asleep, her bed empty and lonely, she would imagine what his body felt like pressed up against hers, and the wind would howl even louder, as if knowing her thoughts and feeling betrayed by them. So she would open her eyes and let out a sigh, shake her head, and turn to face another side of the dormitory.
The night it first happened, she didn't sleep at all, and it wasn't because she felt no guilt over the act - even if she should. It was because she wanted more, wanted it to continue, to feel as cherished as she had then, once more. The wind had continued to howl that night.
***
The night it happened for a second time, she had just come from her boyfriend's. They had gotten over their previous fight, after an extensive amount of grovelling on his end for calling her such an ugly term. They had made love upon his apology and it was then that she had felt absolutely disgusted and guilty with herself. Here her boyfriend was, apology accepted, making love to her and all she could think about was him. If she was being truly honest with herself, all she wanted was him. The night between her boyfriend and herself was over with quickly, and she couldn't help but get out of there as soon as she could.
"I just remembered I had a huge assignment due," She states, faking apologetic as she got dressed. He had nodded with a smile before turning around and closing his eyes. She had left then, no guilt coursing through her body as she made her way to her house's tower, slipping up the stairs into the boys' dormitory softly, climbing into bed with him with a happy sigh.
She could feel the confusion in his body as he woke up with her touch, believing that their first night was their only night. But she knew that that would never be true. She whispered that she wanted him, wanted to be with him and that that thought scared the shit out of her.
She even whispered that she was with her boyfriend before, and the only thing she could think about was him, and that he absolutely ruined her for anyone else. It was then that she could feel the soft smile against her neck and it was then that everything changed.
***
The numerous times after that - and boy, did she mean numerous - weren't all at night. After their second night, she found herself pulling away from her boyfriend more and more and going to him instead. And sometimes, she would find him during class time, where she'd pull him into a spare broom cupboard, or before classes, where she'd charm the area around his bed.
She liked to say that those times were the best times. That would be a lie though, because while those times were certainly fun - especially when they would sneak out during classes - the best times was when it was slow, pleasurable and full of love. Those were often the best times. All of the other times - quick, hurried, secretive, could never compare to the ones where he whispered he loved her and she whispered it back.
***
Four months after their first night, and it was February 14th. She was on a date with her boyfriend, and just being there wasn't something she wanted to be doing. Instead, she had wanted to be with him, fulfilling all of the things he promised her for that night. However, she was with her boyfriend, glaring at the woman that was sitting across from her, sitting with him. And while she knew she had no right to be jealous -
She was. She was incredibly jealous, because he should be with her. And she knew she had no right to be because her boyfriend was in front of her, staring into her eyes searchingly, wondering why she had been pulling away from him, and for so long too.
With a sigh, she turned towards her boyfriend and let out a placating smile, playing with the napkin on her plate, frowning slightly as her boyfriend scowled at her. He had opened his mouth to say something, probably something sickening like 'I love you' when his table was jerked off of the ground as the female stood up angrily.
"Everyone knows you and Evans are fucking, Potter," She snarls and her eyes widen as she notices her boyfriend's own eyes narrow, his face turn whiter than it currently is out of the corner of her eye.
"Everyone but her stupid boyfriend, of course," The other female smarts, and she cringes backwards when said boyfriend looks at her with betrayal in his eyes. She looks down briefly before looking back up at him defiantly; a tilt of her chin showing just how much she cares.
"You didn't used to be like this," He whispers, leaning backwards in shock. She nods slightly, knowing how true that is.
"You stopped giving me what I needed," She replies, narrowing her eyes.
"Since when?"
"The night of our fight. He-"
"He took an opportunity!" Her boyfriend snarls and she finds herself narrowing her eyes even more, baring her teeth at the young man.
"And I let him! I wanted him to! I was kidding myself, Severus, thinking I wasn't attracted to James."
"James? You call Potter, James?" Severus snarls, standing up at his own table as his fists clench at his side.
"I love him!" She shouts, standing up in defense of herself, noting the wide grin on James' face, causing her cheeks to redden. Sure, she's whispered it to him in the darkness of night, but now - shouting it in front of everyone - well, it was kind of thrilling.
She briefly hears an, 'Aw hell, Prongs," come from Sirius' mouth and hides a giggle in her chest before looking up at Severus sadly.
"We were already over a long time ago, Severus." She whispers, stepping backwards. She can see the hurt shining in Severus' eyes, and she wishes she could care.
But she doesn't.
***