Shit
It is right now 11:55 pm. February 19th 2006. I want the clock to stop right now. I do not want it to become tomorrow. I am sick of having to deal with what tomorrow is.
Tomorrow is the day that I watched my Father breath his very last breath on this Earth, four years ago.
Shit.
Today on the train I did a lot of thinking. I had a moment to talk to my Dad alone before his ventilator was removed. Granted he was in acoma at that point. But still.
I made a promise to him then, at that moment, that I would give my life entirely over to God, and to not be gay.
What a bitch of a thing.
I sat and weighed things out, wether I can not feel guilty for that moment, because I was young and naive. Who truly gets held accountable for things they say in their childhood?
Was I a mere child at 16?
Then I also think of other possibilities, that perhaps that moment is the closest I have ever been to God or some other being in general. It was at that moment I lost all my mechanisms, the control was released and I was reduced to the most minute state of being just a fragment of nature. But at the same time couldn't that have been the exact opposite.
I realized once again that all I have in life is questions. I fear that I know truly nothing. My promise at that moment now 4 four years ago today might have been my deepest desire, it may have been a ill educated statement.
Who is to know? It is so hard to just fucking KNOW.
I think there is a God. I think that there is some meaning in all of this. I just can't fucking figure it out.
And again, that is life, that is beautiful. To be here en expieriencing this pain. To get the chance to wake up somehow smiling and alright with facing tomorrow.
Love your friends and your family! Stop complaining! Love your fucking life that you fucking take for granted nearly every goddamned moment of every day. BE SOMETHING
Tomorrow is the day that I watched my Father breath his very last breath on this Earth, four years ago.
Shit.
Today on the train I did a lot of thinking. I had a moment to talk to my Dad alone before his ventilator was removed. Granted he was in acoma at that point. But still.
I made a promise to him then, at that moment, that I would give my life entirely over to God, and to not be gay.
What a bitch of a thing.
I sat and weighed things out, wether I can not feel guilty for that moment, because I was young and naive. Who truly gets held accountable for things they say in their childhood?
Was I a mere child at 16?
Then I also think of other possibilities, that perhaps that moment is the closest I have ever been to God or some other being in general. It was at that moment I lost all my mechanisms, the control was released and I was reduced to the most minute state of being just a fragment of nature. But at the same time couldn't that have been the exact opposite.
I realized once again that all I have in life is questions. I fear that I know truly nothing. My promise at that moment now 4 four years ago today might have been my deepest desire, it may have been a ill educated statement.
Who is to know? It is so hard to just fucking KNOW.
I think there is a God. I think that there is some meaning in all of this. I just can't fucking figure it out.
And again, that is life, that is beautiful. To be here en expieriencing this pain. To get the chance to wake up somehow smiling and alright with facing tomorrow.
Love your friends and your family! Stop complaining! Love your fucking life that you fucking take for granted nearly every goddamned moment of every day. BE SOMETHING