Worst fucking day...hmmm... ever?
Ok so I anm spilling the deets of the day. It sucked fucking ass. I wanted to kill myself and I am just miserable. It feels kinda weird writing this now becuase i feel better after talking to steph-(you helped so much, I hope you know that <3) but I wanted to capture it, a la journal.
I had dreams all of weighing myself last night. I was feeling pretty confident that I would be down in weight. I got to school and the girls I were supposed to meet before going to the gym werent there. I finally got to the gym within hardly any time of getting back. So I weighed myself...
137.
One hundred and fucking thirty 37 pounds.
I am sooooooo far away from 100
and even further from 85.
I wanted to fucking die. Just fall off the fucking elliptical that I was on for 10 minutes and just die.
I kept seeing my flaws in the mirror. My huge shoulders, my huge legs. I wanted to cut it all off. Just chop it off. I went to the bathroom and tried to purge. I dont know why, I dont know what would be in there... I just wanted my emotions out and there was no way I would fucking eat first. I wanted to die... just fall off the planet. I went back to school. I saw eric- hes home. I think he got ugly or something. I changed my mind on him... His hair looks bad, his face looks weird. I dont know what I saw in him. OK so I saw Jade- annoyingness- I went into a fucking nervous breakdown mode. She is like "how are you" and I said "too fat to be at school" and went off onto this rampage. then you know what she said?
"Olivia, you are healthy. You look good."
HEALTHY? GOOD!!!!!!! I could have fucking shot her. I dont want to 'look healthy" I want to look fucking emaciated. I dont feel healthy. I am not healthy. So why should I look it.
I told her "healthy means fat" and she said this
"No, healthy means you curve in all the right places"
I started to hyperventilate. Do I want to curve. Lets see, how about no? I want my fucking bones to JUT right out of my fucking SKIN. I want people to look at me and be like "is she fucking anorexic?" yes, thats weird, but I want that.
So in algebra I just wanted to kill myself. I started writing in this notebook. I just wrote whatever came to mind. It was kinda morbid. But I liked it. I also wrote all these words- free association its called. I came up with all these really strange stuff. I hope to god no one saw that paper. Or they would send me to a looney bin. Then I started biting my hard again. I made it so red, but I love doing that. It was all callusy. Then I started stabbing myself with a pencil. in the wrist. It got all red and started bleeding. But it was cool and I smailed. And my teacher called on me and I just answered the problem like I was totally listening. She didnt notice me stabbing myself. I didnt pay attention one bit in math, but the pain seemed to make the time fly.
The only good point of today at school was jeremy smiled at me. For those of you not clued into my love life, he is my guy I like right now :) I am happy. He is a hottie!
I got home and I dont have to eat tonight! Thank the lord! I have no doub that i will make it to hour 24 of fast! yippee!
I had dreams all of weighing myself last night. I was feeling pretty confident that I would be down in weight. I got to school and the girls I were supposed to meet before going to the gym werent there. I finally got to the gym within hardly any time of getting back. So I weighed myself...
137.
One hundred and fucking thirty 37 pounds.
I am sooooooo far away from 100
and even further from 85.
I wanted to fucking die. Just fall off the fucking elliptical that I was on for 10 minutes and just die.
I kept seeing my flaws in the mirror. My huge shoulders, my huge legs. I wanted to cut it all off. Just chop it off. I went to the bathroom and tried to purge. I dont know why, I dont know what would be in there... I just wanted my emotions out and there was no way I would fucking eat first. I wanted to die... just fall off the planet. I went back to school. I saw eric- hes home. I think he got ugly or something. I changed my mind on him... His hair looks bad, his face looks weird. I dont know what I saw in him. OK so I saw Jade- annoyingness- I went into a fucking nervous breakdown mode. She is like "how are you" and I said "too fat to be at school" and went off onto this rampage. then you know what she said?
"Olivia, you are healthy. You look good."
HEALTHY? GOOD!!!!!!! I could have fucking shot her. I dont want to 'look healthy" I want to look fucking emaciated. I dont feel healthy. I am not healthy. So why should I look it.
I told her "healthy means fat" and she said this
"No, healthy means you curve in all the right places"
I started to hyperventilate. Do I want to curve. Lets see, how about no? I want my fucking bones to JUT right out of my fucking SKIN. I want people to look at me and be like "is she fucking anorexic?" yes, thats weird, but I want that.
So in algebra I just wanted to kill myself. I started writing in this notebook. I just wrote whatever came to mind. It was kinda morbid. But I liked it. I also wrote all these words- free association its called. I came up with all these really strange stuff. I hope to god no one saw that paper. Or they would send me to a looney bin. Then I started biting my hard again. I made it so red, but I love doing that. It was all callusy. Then I started stabbing myself with a pencil. in the wrist. It got all red and started bleeding. But it was cool and I smailed. And my teacher called on me and I just answered the problem like I was totally listening. She didnt notice me stabbing myself. I didnt pay attention one bit in math, but the pain seemed to make the time fly.
The only good point of today at school was jeremy smiled at me. For those of you not clued into my love life, he is my guy I like right now :) I am happy. He is a hottie!
I got home and I dont have to eat tonight! Thank the lord! I have no doub that i will make it to hour 24 of fast! yippee!