A priest, a rabbi, and an ATA user walk into a bar . . . (co-written with eruthros)
Dear the internet: this is how much eruthros and I are dorks. We were trying to open a jar of honey, and began to imagine what would happen if Team Sheppard were sitting in the Atlantis commissary trying to open a jar, of, say, mustard. And so we told the following joke to each other:
Team Sheppard is sitting at a table and they need to open a jar. Rodney says, "Give me five, ten minutes, tops, I'll modify some Replicator nanites." John says, "I didn't want any mustard anyway." Ronon spends five minutes straining to open it. Teyla picks it up and says, "Wait, the plastic wrap is still on this."
. . . and then we said, wait! I bet the people on Atlantis tell each other that joke all the time! In fact, I bet there's a whole bunch of jokes that are only told on Atlantis. So then eruthros and I started telling those jokes, LIKE FOR EXAMPLE:
SGA-1 walks into a bar. Rodney says, "Ow."
SGA-1 walks into a bar. SGA-2 says, "Watch out for that."
On Atlantis, instead of tagging fortune-cookie fortunes with "naked" or "in bed," everyone says "with an ancient device" or "and a squad of marines." You will meet a tall dark stranger (and a squad of Marines) - or, To reach your goals, you must work harder (with an ancient device).
Instead of "An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician" jokes, it's "An anthropologist, a botanist, and Rodney McKay" jokes. SO:
An anthropologist, a botanist, and Rodney McKay are about to be executed by a guillotine. The anthropologist goes up first, and the guillotine doesn't work. The anthropologist thinks fast and says, "this is a clear sign that your gods have favoured me," and the executioner agrees and lets her go. The botanist goes up next, and again the guillotine doesn't work. The botanist remembers what the anthropologist said, and says "because the gods have favoured us, your crops will fail if you attempt to execute me again." The executioner agrees, and lets her go, too. Rodney McKay goes up last, puts his head through the guillotine, and before anyone even pulls the cord, he says, "Oh, wait, morons, I think I see your problem - give me five minutes and a wrench."
How many ATA users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one: Rodney McKay stands still and holds it, and the universe revolves around him.
How many ATA users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he won't do it if he can't do it with his brain.
How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but McKay will expect a Nobel for it.
How many ATA users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, if it's John Sheppard.
How many Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? One lieutenant and a whole squadron, but they won't come back.
How many Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? One squadron, but you better send John Sheppard with them if you want them back alive.
A Colonel, a Major, and a Lieutenant walk into a bar. For reasons that nobody understands, the Lieutenant explodes.
Atlantis physicists do it with Ancient devices.
ATA users do it with their brains.
Atlantis botanists do it with sex pollen.
Atlantis psychologists do it with telepathy.
Atlantis does it with a ZPM and Rodney McKay.
Atlantis does it with John Sheppard.
The Wraith do it with disco boots on.
The Wraith do it with organic technology.
SGA-1 encounters a forty-foot dragon. Sheppard smiles winningly at it, Teyla tries to talk to it, Ronon tries to shoot it, and Rodney dials the gate and requests a squad of Marines. (written by Dr. R. McKay)
SGA-1 encounters a Satedan device that is counting down to zero. Sheppard says, "Shit, we better call in the bomb squad." Rodney says, "Give me a minute, I can deactivate it! I work best under pressure!" Teyla says, "We had best evacuate this building." Ronon eats it, and says, "What? It was almost past the expiration date!"
An anthropologist, a biologist, and an ATA user walk into Atlantis. Rodney McKay says, "Don't they ever send anyone useful?"
An anthropologist, a biologist, and an ATA user walk into Atlantis. Rodney McKay says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
What do you get when you cross John Sheppard and a cactus? I don't know, but he couldn't be any harder to hug.
What do you get when you cross Rodney McKay and a puddlejumper? I don't know, but I bet John Sheppard is the only one who can handle him.
What do you get when you cross John Sheppard and Buffy Summers? Nothing changes - you still have the one girl in all the world who can defeat the vampires.
What do you get when you cross an ATA user with a chair? Nothing changes - it still just sits there.
Three people touch an Ancient device. The first person develops exploding tumours. The second person has visions and dies of an aneurysm. The third person is John Sheppard.
Knock knock! Who's there? An Athosian. An Athosian who? I don't know, none of them have names. (n.b.: this one made us feel bad about ourselves.)
Knock knock! Who's there? Rodney McKay. Rodney McKay who? Never mind, I've already got the door open.
Knock knock! Who's there? A Runner. A Runner who? Whoops, now it's a Runner and the Wraith.
SGA-1 walks into a peaceful farming village. Teyla negotiates an excellent deal for tava beans. Rodney fixes the irrigation system, even though, hello, he's a genius, this totally beneath him. John is kidnapped by the hot chick who is also the only Wraith worshipper on the planet. Ronon is there, too. (n.b.: this one too.)
John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are held hostage offworld by a hundred Genii. First, Elizabeth Weir sends in a Marine Lieutenant to negotiate. He mysteriously explodes, three feet from the gate. Next, Weir sends in a whole squad of Marines to break them out. They are hacked to pieces, three feet from the gate. Then she sends Ronon and Teyla.
What do you get when you cross Rock Hudson with a puddlejumper? Nothing - John Sheppard doesn't sleep with men.
What happens when John Sheppard goes to the planet of fast women, fast cars, and fast food? He gets ketchup on the steering wheel.
Feel free to add your own. Especially if you have a punchline for the one in the subject line, as we failed. :(
Team Sheppard is sitting at a table and they need to open a jar. Rodney says, "Give me five, ten minutes, tops, I'll modify some Replicator nanites." John says, "I didn't want any mustard anyway." Ronon spends five minutes straining to open it. Teyla picks it up and says, "Wait, the plastic wrap is still on this."
. . . and then we said, wait! I bet the people on Atlantis tell each other that joke all the time! In fact, I bet there's a whole bunch of jokes that are only told on Atlantis. So then eruthros and I started telling those jokes, LIKE FOR EXAMPLE:
SGA-1 walks into a bar. Rodney says, "Ow."
SGA-1 walks into a bar. SGA-2 says, "Watch out for that."
On Atlantis, instead of tagging fortune-cookie fortunes with "naked" or "in bed," everyone says "with an ancient device" or "and a squad of marines." You will meet a tall dark stranger (and a squad of Marines) - or, To reach your goals, you must work harder (with an ancient device).
Instead of "An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician" jokes, it's "An anthropologist, a botanist, and Rodney McKay" jokes. SO:
An anthropologist, a botanist, and Rodney McKay are about to be executed by a guillotine. The anthropologist goes up first, and the guillotine doesn't work. The anthropologist thinks fast and says, "this is a clear sign that your gods have favoured me," and the executioner agrees and lets her go. The botanist goes up next, and again the guillotine doesn't work. The botanist remembers what the anthropologist said, and says "because the gods have favoured us, your crops will fail if you attempt to execute me again." The executioner agrees, and lets her go, too. Rodney McKay goes up last, puts his head through the guillotine, and before anyone even pulls the cord, he says, "Oh, wait, morons, I think I see your problem - give me five minutes and a wrench."
How many ATA users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one: Rodney McKay stands still and holds it, and the universe revolves around him.
How many ATA users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but he won't do it if he can't do it with his brain.
How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but McKay will expect a Nobel for it.
How many ATA users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, if it's John Sheppard.
How many Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? One lieutenant and a whole squadron, but they won't come back.
How many Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? One squadron, but you better send John Sheppard with them if you want them back alive.
A Colonel, a Major, and a Lieutenant walk into a bar. For reasons that nobody understands, the Lieutenant explodes.
Atlantis physicists do it with Ancient devices.
ATA users do it with their brains.
Atlantis botanists do it with sex pollen.
Atlantis psychologists do it with telepathy.
Atlantis does it with a ZPM and Rodney McKay.
Atlantis does it with John Sheppard.
The Wraith do it with disco boots on.
The Wraith do it with organic technology.
SGA-1 encounters a forty-foot dragon. Sheppard smiles winningly at it, Teyla tries to talk to it, Ronon tries to shoot it, and Rodney dials the gate and requests a squad of Marines. (written by Dr. R. McKay)
SGA-1 encounters a Satedan device that is counting down to zero. Sheppard says, "Shit, we better call in the bomb squad." Rodney says, "Give me a minute, I can deactivate it! I work best under pressure!" Teyla says, "We had best evacuate this building." Ronon eats it, and says, "What? It was almost past the expiration date!"
An anthropologist, a biologist, and an ATA user walk into Atlantis. Rodney McKay says, "Don't they ever send anyone useful?"
An anthropologist, a biologist, and an ATA user walk into Atlantis. Rodney McKay says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
What do you get when you cross John Sheppard and a cactus? I don't know, but he couldn't be any harder to hug.
What do you get when you cross Rodney McKay and a puddlejumper? I don't know, but I bet John Sheppard is the only one who can handle him.
What do you get when you cross John Sheppard and Buffy Summers? Nothing changes - you still have the one girl in all the world who can defeat the vampires.
What do you get when you cross an ATA user with a chair? Nothing changes - it still just sits there.
Three people touch an Ancient device. The first person develops exploding tumours. The second person has visions and dies of an aneurysm. The third person is John Sheppard.
Knock knock! Who's there? An Athosian. An Athosian who? I don't know, none of them have names. (n.b.: this one made us feel bad about ourselves.)
Knock knock! Who's there? Rodney McKay. Rodney McKay who? Never mind, I've already got the door open.
Knock knock! Who's there? A Runner. A Runner who? Whoops, now it's a Runner and the Wraith.
SGA-1 walks into a peaceful farming village. Teyla negotiates an excellent deal for tava beans. Rodney fixes the irrigation system, even though, hello, he's a genius, this totally beneath him. John is kidnapped by the hot chick who is also the only Wraith worshipper on the planet. Ronon is there, too. (n.b.: this one too.)
John Sheppard and Rodney McKay are held hostage offworld by a hundred Genii. First, Elizabeth Weir sends in a Marine Lieutenant to negotiate. He mysteriously explodes, three feet from the gate. Next, Weir sends in a whole squad of Marines to break them out. They are hacked to pieces, three feet from the gate. Then she sends Ronon and Teyla.
What do you get when you cross Rock Hudson with a puddlejumper? Nothing - John Sheppard doesn't sleep with men.
What happens when John Sheppard goes to the planet of fast women, fast cars, and fast food? He gets ketchup on the steering wheel.
Feel free to add your own. Especially if you have a punchline for the one in the subject line, as we failed. :(