the cup is not half empty as pessimists say...
its funny how i have a boyfriend whose absolutely perfect, who would do anything for me at any time if i said the word, but i can't make myself fall in love with him. he's everything that i've always said i wanted in a guy, but now that i have it, i want someone else.
basic background story:
i was friends with this kid chris for about a year and a half after we met at camp, but for the first year i had a boyfriend. a few months after i broke it off with the boyfriend, chris and i got together. i fell a little too hard for him. basically i've never felt like that about anybody. but a lot of shit happened, and i ended up deciding that i was jsut gonna get hurt in the end, which ended up hurting me most. we're still friends, but thats it. i mean, technically thats all we ever were, but after a certain point i didn't consider us friends. but now we're back there, and i have this new boyfriend. whose amazing.
so if he's so amazing, why am i not head over heels for him??? i dont want to feel like this about chris anymore, and i didn't, i was good at not thinking about him. if i didn't think i was over him, wouldn't have started going out with larry. but the other day i heard this song, and it just seemed to be the exact story of me and chris, and idk, i just dont think i can be that comfortable with anybody else. he knows more about me than almost anybody. my friend thinks i'm in love with him, and no matter how many 100% perfect guys i come across, they're never gonna compare to the only boy whose made me cry. go figure. i want the asshole while mr. right tells me he loves me.
thats the other problem... yesterday larry told me he loves me. i've known him for 2 weeks. he doesn't know me. well, he does in the sense that he knows my name is meghan and i'm short and have brown hair and eyes. but he doesn't know ME. he doesnt know that every time it rains i run until i pass out just because i like it. he doesn't know that my favorite thing in the whole world is sitting outside in the rain while everybody else runs for the nearest roof because its water. i mean, he can like me all he wants, but he does not love me because he doesn't know me. i'm one of those people who thinks that in order to completely love somebody, you have to know them. sometimes better than they know themselves because thats what they need. i dont know if i need that, but it'd be nice if he knew at least half of what i know, considering i dont know that much. but saying that he's in love with me after 2 weeks is just not cool. i've now said i love you to 3 guys, i've only meant it to one. i wonder who.
wow. that was a ramble that even i didn't expect.
on a better note, i'm starting a fast tomorrow. water only. i swear i'll do it. this time i can't lose. i can't. i won't. i have to get something right because i haven't recently. i've been slipping, and its bad. i have to fix that. i've only lost a pound. i have a lot more to go, at least 9 before im REMOTELY happy. i took pics today, and they just bothered me. i look worse than the mirror made it seem. i think i need a new scale... i probably broke mine...
i give up.
basic background story:
i was friends with this kid chris for about a year and a half after we met at camp, but for the first year i had a boyfriend. a few months after i broke it off with the boyfriend, chris and i got together. i fell a little too hard for him. basically i've never felt like that about anybody. but a lot of shit happened, and i ended up deciding that i was jsut gonna get hurt in the end, which ended up hurting me most. we're still friends, but thats it. i mean, technically thats all we ever were, but after a certain point i didn't consider us friends. but now we're back there, and i have this new boyfriend. whose amazing.
so if he's so amazing, why am i not head over heels for him??? i dont want to feel like this about chris anymore, and i didn't, i was good at not thinking about him. if i didn't think i was over him, wouldn't have started going out with larry. but the other day i heard this song, and it just seemed to be the exact story of me and chris, and idk, i just dont think i can be that comfortable with anybody else. he knows more about me than almost anybody. my friend thinks i'm in love with him, and no matter how many 100% perfect guys i come across, they're never gonna compare to the only boy whose made me cry. go figure. i want the asshole while mr. right tells me he loves me.
thats the other problem... yesterday larry told me he loves me. i've known him for 2 weeks. he doesn't know me. well, he does in the sense that he knows my name is meghan and i'm short and have brown hair and eyes. but he doesn't know ME. he doesnt know that every time it rains i run until i pass out just because i like it. he doesn't know that my favorite thing in the whole world is sitting outside in the rain while everybody else runs for the nearest roof because its water. i mean, he can like me all he wants, but he does not love me because he doesn't know me. i'm one of those people who thinks that in order to completely love somebody, you have to know them. sometimes better than they know themselves because thats what they need. i dont know if i need that, but it'd be nice if he knew at least half of what i know, considering i dont know that much. but saying that he's in love with me after 2 weeks is just not cool. i've now said i love you to 3 guys, i've only meant it to one. i wonder who.
wow. that was a ramble that even i didn't expect.
on a better note, i'm starting a fast tomorrow. water only. i swear i'll do it. this time i can't lose. i can't. i won't. i have to get something right because i haven't recently. i've been slipping, and its bad. i have to fix that. i've only lost a pound. i have a lot more to go, at least 9 before im REMOTELY happy. i took pics today, and they just bothered me. i look worse than the mirror made it seem. i think i need a new scale... i probably broke mine...
i give up.