its just a matter of time until we're all found out...
today was a disaster and a half...
val: i<3 her dearly. really. i do. she's one of my best friends, but she just needs to shut up sometimes. i was attempting to fast (doing a damn good job too...) and she's sitting there trying to drill it into me that i need to eat. today we ditched the 2nd half of classes cuz we were both so fucked up from everything that's going on with school and friends and stuff, and we just went to the mall (i had to go anyway...). but yeah. she noticed (first time) that i didn't eat lunch. normally i cover better... i'll go home during lunch and 'eat there' that way nobody notices. but today i just didn't feel like it. besides, as horrible as it is, i felt a million times better watching everybody else eat the amount of food in one meal that i'd eat in 2 days. i guess it was some sort of satisfaction. anyway, val and i went to the mall. she wanted to get food, so i watched. she got pissy when i didn't geta nything and went off on her lovely tangent about how she's worried about me, and how i scare her sometimes, which really just means i have to watch what i say around her, that i'm not being careful enough. i think she might have told her boyfriend about it, which is bad because his best friend is my boyfriend, and the last thing i need is another boyfriend who shoves food down my throat. i had one of those for a year and a half, and he's probably the only reason i didn't end up in a hospital. he's also the reason i'm a fucking cow now, when i could be so much better...
well, unfortunately i had to stop fasting because of her lovely bitch fit. i ate pasta. and of course eating one food easily triggers another, and there were fresh made cookies when i got home.... sometimes i really hate my mother. she never made cookies when i was little and actually wanted them. now that i dont want them they're there all the time.
so to make up for screwing the fast, i ran 6 miles and did sit ups until i passed out, then purged everything i could. i still feel like a cow. i'll feel like this until i hit 95. 5 pounds, thats all i'm asking. 5 pounds...
take 2 of the fast tomorrow, which can't help because a different friend (also panicking) is dragging me out to dinner... salad? no chicken? maybe it'll work... i'll just spend more time bonding with my bathroom...
ugh.
val: i<3 her dearly. really. i do. she's one of my best friends, but she just needs to shut up sometimes. i was attempting to fast (doing a damn good job too...) and she's sitting there trying to drill it into me that i need to eat. today we ditched the 2nd half of classes cuz we were both so fucked up from everything that's going on with school and friends and stuff, and we just went to the mall (i had to go anyway...). but yeah. she noticed (first time) that i didn't eat lunch. normally i cover better... i'll go home during lunch and 'eat there' that way nobody notices. but today i just didn't feel like it. besides, as horrible as it is, i felt a million times better watching everybody else eat the amount of food in one meal that i'd eat in 2 days. i guess it was some sort of satisfaction. anyway, val and i went to the mall. she wanted to get food, so i watched. she got pissy when i didn't geta nything and went off on her lovely tangent about how she's worried about me, and how i scare her sometimes, which really just means i have to watch what i say around her, that i'm not being careful enough. i think she might have told her boyfriend about it, which is bad because his best friend is my boyfriend, and the last thing i need is another boyfriend who shoves food down my throat. i had one of those for a year and a half, and he's probably the only reason i didn't end up in a hospital. he's also the reason i'm a fucking cow now, when i could be so much better...
well, unfortunately i had to stop fasting because of her lovely bitch fit. i ate pasta. and of course eating one food easily triggers another, and there were fresh made cookies when i got home.... sometimes i really hate my mother. she never made cookies when i was little and actually wanted them. now that i dont want them they're there all the time.
so to make up for screwing the fast, i ran 6 miles and did sit ups until i passed out, then purged everything i could. i still feel like a cow. i'll feel like this until i hit 95. 5 pounds, thats all i'm asking. 5 pounds...
take 2 of the fast tomorrow, which can't help because a different friend (also panicking) is dragging me out to dinner... salad? no chicken? maybe it'll work... i'll just spend more time bonding with my bathroom...
ugh.