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Aug 05, 2006 23:32

So I'm at Nate's sister's place on Otto's lap top. Otto is upstairs talking with Nate's sister and her husband, and Nate and Binga (filling in for Carmen, who's at camp) are at Nate's mother's place looking at pictures. It's quiet down here, which is nice. It's nice to be quiet and away. It would make me think I would love to get a hotel away somewhere. I would wish I had a lap top. Then again, maybe not. I could hit a cyber cafe or something too. I wonder if I'll be able to save up money to get away at some point.

I also wonder if Carmina will last. I've got some potential news which would probably end things. I'm not sure if I could really work through to get a new member, and for some reason the idea of a trio is far less attractive to me. Perhaps the dynamics of the interatcion would just be very different. It's hard to say. Something that we'll see about, I suppose. Besides, I think we're all sort of starting to feel pulls in different directions than Carmina any more.

That would give me time for work. I don't know when I'd hear from Badger Brothers, as I only handed in my application this week -- Tuesday. Of course, I believe they don't even have an opening yet, but I believe there's a chance for the fall. It would be a great place to work, I think. And if I didn't have Carmina, I'd have more time for personal practice, which especially last year was something I had been feeling a definite lack in. I had felt Carmina was a factor in that. This could certainly be the case. Then I'd need to drop the chamber-ensemble credit. I could probably pick up something in an independent study with Dr. Eugene. I'm starting to want to get into composing, and I want to see if he'd be willing. It would be a great opportunity. After all, the man did get a doctorate in composistion from Julliard.

I wonder how the school year will go this time 'round. I wonder if I'll feel compelled to be more social, less social, just as anti-social. I mean, I won't have Emily to really keep me sane as much, of course, so what will I do for compensation? Will I retract, or grow out? Will I find someone else I could connect with so well?

*shrug* all in all. I'm not really stressed out, I just wish it hadn't had to end. But that's enough about that, I think.

I need to remember to call Rebecca tomorrow to see if I can set something up for Wednesday on. What I am hoping to do is to visit Nichole during the day on Wednesday and then hit Rebecca's for sleep that night and then maybe stay there through the weekend or more. Of course, this depends on what Rebecca and her parents are willing, as I have not actually talked to her about it. She and I had wanted to get together sometime this month, and that'd be a great opportunity for me. I would be able to see Lani before she heads out to Indiana - while I had the idea of spending time out there, it's seeming less likely I will, and hopefully I would be able to get some alone time with Rebecca. She's a great muse, really. There's something just.... refreshing about hanging out with her, or at least there has been in the past, and I don't think that'll have really changed. Maybe it's in how she listens. She listens and asks and isn't afraid to challenge or dissent. I feel like too many people (me included!) are afraid to offer up an opposing idea if they disagree with a friend. I try to work on this, but I probably tend to over-compensate, or else I can't read when it's more acceptable to do so. Either way, there's something about Rebecca.

There really have been two people in my life that feel like home. One is Rebecca. The other is Emily. With both I felt ...at home. I can't describe it any other way. Though with each person, it was a very different way I feel/felt it. Both were wonderful.

hrm.. realistically, I wonder if I'll ever see Emily again....

I should listen to Verlakte Nacht (I think I spelled it right). I keep forgetting to, though. I have the score from the library, after all. Perhaps listening to it would help me more work with it. Of course, I'm just a child staring at the Schreodinger Equation and wondering how it goes, basically, but still, there has to be something I can glean. I've already gotten an idea of a concept from the Schoenberg quartet I checked out for the 12 tone quartet. I think I'm realizing I can be a lot more open with the row, and that not each note needs to relate directly to the row. Then again, probably with Schoenberg, they all do in some way I havne't seen, but I was able to spot the row, I believe. The other notes seem to lead to virtual-tonics. There can be an implied tonality, heavily-masked, in 12 tone.

I think I'm done for now. I've been writing for about 20 minutes, that's good enough for now.
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